DH just seems completely oblivious to everything

[erin892]

I think I just need a rant.

DH is a good man, he's loyal and loving and a great dad but he just seems so oblivious sometimes and I'm sick of having to ask for things to be done or to help me.

I've been suffering back pain since the birth of our baby almost 11 months ago, I saw a dr today who's referred me to the hospital for scans etc, a chiropractor hasn't helped neither do strong painkillers, I'm in agony with my back most days.

We have an open plan living room and kitchen, he cooked whilst I bathed baby and did bedtime. I then washed up, this is an issue in itself. He'll use everything we own cooking wise for one meal, he doesn't wash as he goes etc so it takes me ages to sort it all out after.

The dog's food bowl is empty, there are toys that need to be put away in the play pen, dog also needs letting out for a wee. So I'm washing up, dog at my feet because he wants food and to be let out, trying to make DH lunch for work tomorrow, wash baby's bottles ready to be sterilised, refill milk pots ready for tomorrow. DH just sat there on his phone. I'm like hello? Please can you do something like either make your own lunch, sort the dog, wipe down babies high chair, fill the milk pots?

This is just an example. Another example is, leaving clothes on the floor his side of the bed. I never know what needs washing (obviously boxers and socks) but he changes out of uniform and he gets in so I don't know and don't keep track of how many times he's worn the T-shirt/shorts that are left every single night by the bed when he gets in.

I have to ask him and constantly remind him about bin and recycling otherwise he'll watch it pile up, my back is terrible and we live in first floor flat, I cannot physically carry them down and around into our bin store it kills me.

It's lots of little things that all add up to me feeling like his mother. I bring this up to every other month and he's on top of it for a couple of weeks then it slips back.

What do I even do about this? I'm tired of being up with the baby at 6:30/7 and not sitting down until gone 9:30 by the time I've had a shower. I don't get an evening because by 10pm I'm so tired I just want to go to bed.

Set up reminders on his mobile phone.

DH empty bin 5pm
DH walk dog 5.30pm
DH unload dishwasher 6pm etc.

As for the cooking thing. I cook & tidy as it's faster every evening. I don't have the patience watching DH dithering about. Gives me the rage.

@LamonicBibber1
Reading your list made me feel SO GOOD about leaving my ex husband, all of the mess and thoughtless stress created by him went with him. All my resentment melted away because I'm in charge now and it's all on me, no lazy useless disrespectful imitation of an adult dragging me down.

I didn't even get to the end of the OP and I felt this.

It's weaponised incompetence OP. Start doing less and just look after you and baby for now, leave him to make his own lunches. FFS he's an adult.

Stop behaving like his mother and he will stop behaving like a child. he picks his own smelly clothes up and puts them in the wash basket surely, he is a grown man. He can make his own lunch. sit down with him and list the tasks then ask him which half he is going to do and you will do the other half. seriously these men behave like this because women enable them by just doing it. stop.

I was saying to someone the other day that the best example I see of a house that works are both db and dbils. We were always making faces that they discussed so much (ten minute conversation about washing machine settings once) but as we had more kids we realised it really works
Ds: I’m about to feed the baby can you let the dog out?
dbil: great yes, then I’m going to move x, can you do y when you’re finished with the baby?
tbh there were times I was thinking oh god please just do it and stop proclaiming what you’re about to do, but their stuff gets done, their house is slick and span even though both work crazy hours (nurses and healthcare professionals) and their kids are on the same wavelength too. If the dog needs to be let out don’t ask can you, say ‘if you fill the water bowl and let the dog out I’ll feed the baby. And repeat (I won’t say it always works around here but it does work a bit)

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this, and that previous conversations have not resulted in long term changes in his behaviour.

I love the Emma article that was linked to, but the article that springs to mind for me is this one:

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

and this follow up article:
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/would-you-leave-your-spouse-over-dirty-dishes-a-lesson-on-conflict-management/

It’s been written about a lot and it’s written from the husband’s perspective which might help get the message across once and for all, if reinforced with you having the conversation that others have suggested that you really need to spell it out what the consequences of this situation will be, and also you need to change your actions - stop doing everything! Focus on your health and the baby.

He comes across as seeing you as the “little lady at home” giving you money for hair and nails - it’s not a treat that’s his way of saying I want you to look like a certain way for me but I will dress it up as a treat so you don’t notice my inherent sexism and vanity that you only exist to serve me in whatever way I want.

If he wants to change then he will. I think you need to give yourself a timeframe to decide whether you have seen enough to assess if he is showing you enough respect and partnership or is still seeing you as the little woman so he does enough for a short time and then reverts back. It gives you the time to prepare practically and otherwise if you do decide to separate.

DH asked yesterday why I couldn't just make his packed lunch up for work. I said he can make it himself. I've enough to be getting on with. Just say it like it is.

I cook & tidy as it's faster every evening. I don't have the patience watching DH dithering about. Gives me the rage.

And here we have another husband who has successfully used weaponised incompetence.