DH just seems completely oblivious to everything

[erin892]

I think I just need a rant.

DH is a good man, he's loyal and loving and a great dad but he just seems so oblivious sometimes and I'm sick of having to ask for things to be done or to help me.

I've been suffering back pain since the birth of our baby almost 11 months ago, I saw a dr today who's referred me to the hospital for scans etc, a chiropractor hasn't helped neither do strong painkillers, I'm in agony with my back most days.

We have an open plan living room and kitchen, he cooked whilst I bathed baby and did bedtime. I then washed up, this is an issue in itself. He'll use everything we own cooking wise for one meal, he doesn't wash as he goes etc so it takes me ages to sort it all out after.

The dog's food bowl is empty, there are toys that need to be put away in the play pen, dog also needs letting out for a wee. So I'm washing up, dog at my feet because he wants food and to be let out, trying to make DH lunch for work tomorrow, wash baby's bottles ready to be sterilised, refill milk pots ready for tomorrow. DH just sat there on his phone. I'm like hello? Please can you do something like either make your own lunch, sort the dog, wipe down babies high chair, fill the milk pots?

This is just an example. Another example is, leaving clothes on the floor his side of the bed. I never know what needs washing (obviously boxers and socks) but he changes out of uniform and he gets in so I don't know and don't keep track of how many times he's worn the T-shirt/shorts that are left every single night by the bed when he gets in.

I have to ask him and constantly remind him about bin and recycling otherwise he'll watch it pile up, my back is terrible and we live in first floor flat, I cannot physically carry them down and around into our bin store it kills me.

It's lots of little things that all add up to me feeling like his mother. I bring this up to every other month and he's on top of it for a couple of weeks then it slips back.

What do I even do about this? I'm tired of being up with the baby at 6:30/7 and not sitting down until gone 9:30 by the time I've had a shower. I don't get an evening because by 10pm I'm so tired I just want to go to bed.

Re your back, try an osteopath, not a chiropractor.

Ah the classic mistake decent people make. "I'll show willing and do my bit, I just get stuck to what is obviously needed, the other person will join in". Nope, not when the other person is a man, in a domestic home.

Making his lunch while he sits on his phone?!!?!

Why are you making his lunch?

Well that’s clearly nonsense as there’s plenty of men who ‘join in’ with chores.

Were you doing his laundry and making his lunch before you were on mat leave? Or has he always been useless?

You need to tell him what he needs to do, and why. Yes, he will think you're nagging. But hoping he'll notice and do it isn't working, is it. Men (many, not all) will happily do as little as possible while their wives run themselves ragged doing all the housework and childcare. Demand equality now - in fact, demand more than equality, because you're injured - or you'll be divorced in a few years.

You need assigned jobs. I usually cook because I’m home but the assigned jobs after we’ve eaten are DH does the dishes, takes the recycling/rubbish out, tidies the toys. I do the kids school reading, sweep the floors, feed the cats. Every day the same so there is no question what needs doing and who does it.

Combine cooking and cleaning the kitchen so he clears up after himself. Alternate doing the baby and the cooking- it will rest your back, too.

If he’s on his phone and you’re doing chores say sharply point that out. ‘It’s not time to sit down, there’s still chores to do!’

Why do you feel you should wash his pants and make his packed lunch?

Just wash what is in the laundry basket. My teenager manages to put things in the washing basket and he is busy. He has school, extra tuition (needed unfortunately). He has a part time job, hobbies and does volunteer work. So your husband can't use the "busy" excuse

Strike strike strike strike strike. Stop making dinner for a week and eat toast or cereal. Stop making lunch for him. Stop doing his washing. Stop tidying up after him. He’ll soon realise all you do for him and that he was taking you for granted and you should see him pulling his weight.

You don't have to live this way. There's no rule that says you are the skivvy in this relationship.

What everyone else said. The problem isn’t him leaving his washing on the floor which makes washing hard for you: the problem is you doing his washing. Divvy the tasks up, he does all the stuff that hurts backs, you do the other stuff. Stop acting like it’s all your job and he just helps.

My first thought too

Stop doing stuff for him; I don’t wash clothes that aren’t in the wash bin and DH does his own work stuff so it’s his problem if he’s not sorted it to have enough clothes. Also why are you making his lunch?
I think they do see it but just don’t really care and they know someone else will do it if they don’t. Give him specific jobs so he has no excuses ie he tidies toys away

There are so many women out there, who are running around doing everything for their sons. Who in turn 'grow up' to become so called adult men like OP's dh.

That's really shitty of him. No advice on that but one thing I found really helpful after my c section was a grabber stick so I didn't have to bend down to pick stuff up off the floor. You can get online for relatively cheap and it makes life so much easier with a bad back.

Honestly, I've read so many of these threads by now I'm at the point where my advice would be:

Sit him down, and say

'I am doing the lions share of the housework and childcare and I am having to pick up after you or remind you to do things like you are a child. I shouldn't have to tell you what to do - you are supposed to be a partner, not someone I have to direct, like I'm your manager. It's not acceptable for our child to grow up watching mummy do all the housework and daddy sitting around not contributing.
I shouldn't have to point out that me being on my feet doing house/baby stuff isn't fair. You step up for a bit then slide back into your old habits and that's not okay. You wouldn't behave like this at work, or you'd lose your job because you'd be letting other people down. You are letting ME down.
You behaving like a child in this way, by letting me run around doing everything, is making you less attractive to me, because I am not attracted to children. If this continues, one day I will never want to have sex with you ever again and our relationship will be dead, because you will have made me feel like your mum and not your partner for too long and there will be no clawing it back. To be crystal clear: if you keep doing this, I will stop being attracted to you and our relationship will end and our daughters life will be affected. I'm being very direct with you, because we've had conversations before and things slide back to the way we were, and im comcerned that you maybe dont fully understand that you treating me this way is hurtful, regardless of your intention behind it or any reason or excuse - you are treating me, your partner, like a maid or your mum, and that impacts how i feel about you, not just short term but long term. I love you and I want you to fully understand how serious this is and how you are pushing me away, so that you can commit to changes. Do you understand?'

Honestly, behave like a child, get spoken to like one. We all know men who are shocked when their marriage ends when there have been problems for years. Make it CRYSTAL CLEAR (you shouldn't bloody have to, mind) and then stick to that narrative.

Oh and stop making his lunch or doing his laundry. Don't buy things like his toiletries - really step back and assess what you are considering 'household' tasks, pick out what only benefits him, and stop.

Exactly my thoughts!

Just why?

This!!

Wow. Poor dog.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Depressingly true

Stop treating him like you ARE his mother.

Time for an adult to adult conference.

if this feels bad after 11 months think how you will feel 11 years in…
make things change
if they don’t then you need to consider your options

I feel your pain OP, my DP is similar in some regards. There are many times I'm cooking dinner with baby whining at my feet while he's sat on his phone...sadly seems pretty common!

I just ask him to do stuff now, so I'll shout through to him to put the highchair up and get baby in it, sort the table out. He'll do it if asked but rarely thinks to do it himself unless he's alone.

Very frustrating.