DH just seems completely oblivious to everything

[erin892]

I think I just need a rant.

DH is a good man, he's loyal and loving and a great dad but he just seems so oblivious sometimes and I'm sick of having to ask for things to be done or to help me.

I've been suffering back pain since the birth of our baby almost 11 months ago, I saw a dr today who's referred me to the hospital for scans etc, a chiropractor hasn't helped neither do strong painkillers, I'm in agony with my back most days.

We have an open plan living room and kitchen, he cooked whilst I bathed baby and did bedtime. I then washed up, this is an issue in itself. He'll use everything we own cooking wise for one meal, he doesn't wash as he goes etc so it takes me ages to sort it all out after.

The dog's food bowl is empty, there are toys that need to be put away in the play pen, dog also needs letting out for a wee. So I'm washing up, dog at my feet because he wants food and to be let out, trying to make DH lunch for work tomorrow, wash baby's bottles ready to be sterilised, refill milk pots ready for tomorrow. DH just sat there on his phone. I'm like hello? Please can you do something like either make your own lunch, sort the dog, wipe down babies high chair, fill the milk pots?

This is just an example. Another example is, leaving clothes on the floor his side of the bed. I never know what needs washing (obviously boxers and socks) but he changes out of uniform and he gets in so I don't know and don't keep track of how many times he's worn the T-shirt/shorts that are left every single night by the bed when he gets in.

I have to ask him and constantly remind him about bin and recycling otherwise he'll watch it pile up, my back is terrible and we live in first floor flat, I cannot physically carry them down and around into our bin store it kills me.

It's lots of little things that all add up to me feeling like his mother. I bring this up to every other month and he's on top of it for a couple of weeks then it slips back.

What do I even do about this? I'm tired of being up with the baby at 6:30/7 and not sitting down until gone 9:30 by the time I've had a shower. I don't get an evening because by 10pm I'm so tired I just want to go to bed.

This is all so infuriating. Are you secretly married to my OH.

To all those saying just stop doing his laundry etc..... if I didn't constantly nag my husband about the pile of clothes on the floor, or just sonetimes do it myself, I would have to sleep in a smelly messy bedroom. And before you start off with send him to the spare room comments, my children are already sharing, we haven't an inch of spare space.

The first response gets it.

Perhaps due to your bad back you might want to book a chiropractor or even doing something like getting a massage and you must stay overnight afterwards to get the benefit of it.

You need to sit him down before you go though and tell him that you're leaving the house in the state you want to return to it. No mess. No laundry piling up. No dishes in the sink or waiting in the dishwasher. It gets left clean, you get to return to it clean. Very simple.

Or just go on strike.

I would hazard a guess that OP's OH would either not notice (thread title says he's oblivious) or if he did, not care.
So the strategy would just create an unlivable environment.

I also think you need to have a long hard think about how you want your DC to grow up. Do you want them to think that the woman should be doing all the chores and taking on all the mental load while the man loafs around? Do you want them to continue this same dynamic in their lives as adults? If you can't make the changes for yourself, make them for your DC.

Even having to "divvy up" household tasks, and ask for "help" and give directions is just so fucking tiresome that if you're at that stage it's a slow decent into oblivion for the relationship. It's the very definition of death by a thousand cuts, and unless he has an epiphany in the night and wakes up with a new found realisation of what a wife actually is, you will get to the point where you will have lost every last shred of respect for him as a partner, and the resentment has overtaken any love and trust.

He will contine to say yes dear, I understand, and doing short performative bursts of being "helpful" and then backslide. It's a wheel of madness, stay on it at your peril.

Get rid of him before you get rid of the dog. The dog respects you more.

I’m sorry but why are you doing all that stuff for him. Do for you and the kid and the dog, tell him to do things you want done, let him make his own meals, laundry etc.

I could have written this. My dh is a wonderfully kind funny and generous man and I love him dearly but oh my, he notices absolutely nothing. I can’t tell you the list of household disasters we have had over the years as a result of his utter and total obliviousness.

He does the same things over and over again, no matter how many times I tell him. As an example when he unlocks the front door, he STILL leaves the keys in the lock outside and comes inside. His brother is the same and SIL has post it notes all over the house reminding him of basic things.

Our daughter was born with a global developmental delay and I said to him a few years back that not a day goes by when I don’t think about whether I did something during pregnancy to cause it. He looked at me completely blankly and said “Really? I just assumed it was the genes from my side of the family”.

I am a super organised person and I do completely explode at times but overall I’ve learned to live with it. I just have to accept that I can’t trust him to remember to do things.

This cartoon from The Guardian sums it up perfectly for me and most of the women I know (who are in relationships and have children).

He is not oblivious.

He knows full well what he is doing.

He thinks housework, childcare, making his packed lunch are “wife work”

He is just lazy and can’t be arsed. He knows that if he goes on his phone and acts oblivious that you will do everything.

Do you want to be in a relationship where one partner is happy to be lazy while his partner with a baby and a bad back suffers?

Great explanation! I've not seen this before but it sums it up really well.

I'm in no position to diagnose, but I would consider whether inattentive ADHD is a possibility in your situation - I think that's a bit different from the common or garden "household and kids are women's work" misogynist thinking seen in the rest of this thread.

Thank you all for your advice.

I do think he's genuinely oblivious, I don't think he's unkind or does it on purpose.

If he's not working at the weekend he will absolutely put laundry on, hoover round etc. he's hands on with baby, nappies, some bath times and bed times, he does nice things for me like runs me baths, tells me to go treat myself and will give me money out of his wages to have my nails or hair done etc, he's affectionate and a great dad to little one. Every weekend I get a lay in, he'll take her out to the park or to his parents etc so i feel like the LTB comments are a tad unfair.

I just get pissed off with the obliviousness to certain things like the dog needing food, or a wee or a walk or picking clothes up from the floor, putting towels up to dry or in laundry bin if needed.

For those who said the dog goes first, over my dead body. He's been with me 9 years and I adore him.

I just get pissed off with the obliviousness to certain things like the dog needing food, or a wee or a walk or picking clothes up from the floor, putting towels up to dry or in laundry bin if needed

You just need to communicate this. It's not a difficult solution to say "I've noticed you don't feed the dog when he's whining for food and you can see I'm doing something" or "you keep leaving your clothes on the floor". If your partner is a keeper, they will listen and take it on board. If they don't, then you know they don't care about working in a partnership with you and you have your answer. We can all be lazy and not "see" what needs doing sometimes especially if it's tasks the other partner has always done so I think suggestions to LTB are a bit quick if you haven't actually communicated that you want to reassign the load.

Why are you making him packed lunch like he is a as little boy?! Just droo that task for starters

Then get him off good phone and tell him to do the stuff

He is not a great guy, what makes you think he is great guy? Why is the bar so low for men to be considered "great"

Money out of his wages to get your hair done? There's another problem.

I would wait until a Friday and put all and I mean all OHs t shirts in the wash. Tell him you could figure out what was clean or dirty so you washed everything. Not washing clothes is less an inconvenience as he will know which items pass the sniff test. Having only wet clothes is much more of a problem!

I was ill after my daughter and at 10 months in I fed me and my daughter and I did the washing my partner did absolutely everything else with asking or complaining. His and my priorities were my health and my daughter's needs and that meant that my partner did his share and most of my share too. I will always be grateful for this. To have the space to heal without being made to feel guilty was the best medicine I could have had.

You shouldn't have to and without a doubt your not the only one.

I end up doing questions like do you want to make dinner or do hoovering etc and my partner does housework but doesn't seem to notice things like plates go straight in dishwasher not next to the sink, socks go in the laundry basket, drives me potty especially cleaning up after a toddler too.

Decided to put up a house list task broken down into days. Even if it just helps me stay on track with laundry so if I forget he will always put on towels on a Thursday for example

Yes, what does this mean? Do you have no access to family money?

My back was never the same after having my two children, quite close together. I rue the days I carried my babies on my hip. It eventually 'went' 10 years ago and I have been in pain virtually every day, since. My exH didn't do much to help around the house either, and struggled with practical empathy, albeit he worked all the hours. I wish I'd had better boundaries back then. I blame their mothers a lot of the time, picking up after them and treating them like babies until they leave home. I sincerely hope I've brought my son up differently.

No I didn't mean it like that, I have access to every bank account I mean he will just give me £100 randomly and tell me to treat myself etc out of his own pocket (we both pay into a joint account which is for bills and it's split based on income so I'm not contributing much right now as I'm taking extended mat leave) and then we both have our own money too and a joint savings account.

Some things you have to simply stop doing: washing anything that isn't in the basket, making his lunch. Some things you might need to remind him of: feeding the dog. Some things you can hand to him as his job and help him set up reminders for: bins, making his own lunch.

I'm old school and like you did every bloody thing. It's too late for my life to improve tbh but not for you. If he won't change his ways then just concentrate on your child and yourself. Prioritise the essentials for you and the baby and leave his clothes alone. Kick them in a heap on his side or give him his own laundry basket and let him cope. Wash up what you need and clean up what is strictly necessary for hygiene purposes. Leave the toys. Sit down yourself.
He does him you do you.
Hopefully he'll see what's going on and change his ways otherwise you'll end up hating him, I know this it's not pretty... dont be a doormat.

It’s harder to be oblivious though when you’re hungry and can’t find any clean boxers.

Stop picking up his clothes, when he runs out of clean stuff he'll start washing it or at least putting it in the basket. Stop making his lunch, tell him he has to do it. Open the door to let the dog out, get the dogs food ready whilst it's outside. Wash up, have a shower and go to to bed xx

Get a dishwasher and cleaner for a start. You've got a seriously bad back by the sounds of it- if he won't step up he can pay for replacements of himself! Doing the stuff he should be doing to help you. At least you spoke up but now it's time to take it one step further. And stop fucking making his lunch. Leave his clothes on the floor.