DH just seems completely oblivious to everything

[erin892]

I think I just need a rant.

DH is a good man, he's loyal and loving and a great dad but he just seems so oblivious sometimes and I'm sick of having to ask for things to be done or to help me.

I've been suffering back pain since the birth of our baby almost 11 months ago, I saw a dr today who's referred me to the hospital for scans etc, a chiropractor hasn't helped neither do strong painkillers, I'm in agony with my back most days.

We have an open plan living room and kitchen, he cooked whilst I bathed baby and did bedtime. I then washed up, this is an issue in itself. He'll use everything we own cooking wise for one meal, he doesn't wash as he goes etc so it takes me ages to sort it all out after.

The dog's food bowl is empty, there are toys that need to be put away in the play pen, dog also needs letting out for a wee. So I'm washing up, dog at my feet because he wants food and to be let out, trying to make DH lunch for work tomorrow, wash baby's bottles ready to be sterilised, refill milk pots ready for tomorrow. DH just sat there on his phone. I'm like hello? Please can you do something like either make your own lunch, sort the dog, wipe down babies high chair, fill the milk pots?

This is just an example. Another example is, leaving clothes on the floor his side of the bed. I never know what needs washing (obviously boxers and socks) but he changes out of uniform and he gets in so I don't know and don't keep track of how many times he's worn the T-shirt/shorts that are left every single night by the bed when he gets in.

I have to ask him and constantly remind him about bin and recycling otherwise he'll watch it pile up, my back is terrible and we live in first floor flat, I cannot physically carry them down and around into our bin store it kills me.

It's lots of little things that all add up to me feeling like his mother. I bring this up to every other month and he's on top of it for a couple of weeks then it slips back.

What do I even do about this? I'm tired of being up with the baby at 6:30/7 and not sitting down until gone 9:30 by the time I've had a shower. I don't get an evening because by 10pm I'm so tired I just want to go to bed.

This is not uncommon OP!!!

I will get disagreed with for this ... but I would just ask him to do the things, every time. I know you shouldn't "have" to ask him, and you are already having conversations about that. But asking him is better than passive aggressively doing everything while simmering with resentment.

I would just say "DP can you give me a hand please". If he says "with what" I'd just say "lunches, washing up, toys, dog, bottles". And do this every night till it becomes a proper habit for him to do it.

There's nothing much to add to this. I had back problems since my early twenties and after C sections and hefting big babies around, my back was very painful. My DH, as gormless around the house as OP's, did make huge effort and did a lot of the physical lifting when he was around. Also we paid for a cleaner to deal with the housework, including the dishes - although we did have a dishwasher.

Right.
My husband is not a great dad, since we are child free.
He's not someone I would describe as "lovely".
But he's a decent man.
That's why he would never remain "oblivious"
to this stuff if my back was "killing me".
Sorry.

No, he's not wonderfully kind and generous and whatever.
He's taking you for a mug, with a smile on his face.

Im sorry you have to do everything.
When my kids were little I accepted that life was chaotic domestically.
.My then partner was a corporate workaholic and I determined that I wasnt going to make nagging a way of life. All the clutter and Toys were safe toys. I just focussed on Clean body s Home Cooked Food and lots of days out. I did not want to be a slave to the House . Everyone is different and my Twin is different whom follows you around with a dustpan.

Has he ever lived alone, or just not with a mummy or a mummy/wife? Because that's what you are to him.

Honestly I'd just stop. Stop picking up his laundry and washing it, stop making his lunches, stop facilitating his ridiculous dinners by making them yourself and leaving him with the washing up.

I always find it interesting that when it comes to sex, men are always claiming to be such visual creatures - but when it comes to stuff they don't want to do, like laundry or washing up, they suddenly just can't see it! Wild isn't it?

Holy crap. Stop doing his stuff for him for a start. He needs to start doing his own laundry and making his own lunches.

My husband can be a bit oblivious so I don't ask him to do things, I tell him. I say I'm doing X and you need to do y. With timelines if needed.

What you've got there is a man child. Which I know, cos I've got one too that I'm working on.

Brilliant.
Also the sex - wouldn't happen in a million years
with this one.
🤢

Someone who can't meet the basic needs of his child without someone telling them what to do is not a good Dad

Why is the bar for men to fucking low yet so fucking high for women?

My DH actually works longer hours than me, so I do pick up the washing and cooking in the main but then he cuts the grass and does the DIY 🤷🏻‍♀️, however, conversation at the weekend went ‘are you dusting upstairs whilst I deal with downstairs then I will clean the bathrooms if you hoover, yes?’ And off he went and did it.

He also knows I have no time for feigned incompetence, I was clear about that before he moved in… you do a job badly you’ll need to do it again to learn to do it properly was my motto.

This is our life, it ticks along well!

So my suggestion when you find him sitting on his ass would be ‘Right, I am heading up to put baby to bed, I can see you are free to feed the dog then let him out if I leave that with you’ or ‘I am bathing baby, could I leave you with the washing up, yes?’

Always lead with the ‘this is going to happen’ wording.

I bet he doesn’t forget to feed himself or pour himself a drink when he is hungry or thirsty, or forget where the toilet is when he needs a wee.

If he remembers for himself he isn’t oblivious, he just doesn’t care if others have to pick up the slack or suffer.

That’s the thing, though, having to do that all the time is wearing - it puts the woman ‘in charge’ with them just waiting to be told what to do

He acts like a teenager because you allow it. Why are you making his lunch, why are you picking his clothes up, you are not his mum so stop acting like it. Sit down and tell him he has to pull his weight.

You're making his lunches?

And why do you care if his clothes pile up and don't get washed?

He's not oblivious. But he doesn't seem to think housework is his department.

See I don’t find it wearing. To me I guess it’s no different to collaborating with my colleagues over how we get the workload done in a day.

If my colleagues spent their time scrolling on their phones as default mode unless I were dishing out the motivationally worded instructions, I'd very quickly find it wearing. Same for my DP.

Hi
Just about the back pain - did you have a c section? I had awful back pain after a c section and have done a ton of work to strengthen abs / tummy muscles and core and it has helped my back pain SO MUCH.
If you haven't already looked into a physio for helping you to strengthen your abs then I deffo recommend it.
Basically because the abs were cut, the back was taking all the strain.
Best of luck x

He’s not oblivious he just ignores the things he cba to do. Wise up.

Oh agreed TBH. Although I do have one in my office at the moment, but that’s being dealt with! 😂

It was just an example of how we all have to collaborate and communicate though, really, in life. It isn’t necessarily about a person being ‘in charge’ it’s about divvying up the work to work together and, to a degree, someone has to start those conversations so everyone is on the same page or it doesn’t run effectively.

It's exhausting OP. Honestly think about what life will look like in 12 months/3 years/10 years.
This is how it started with 'D'H. Now DD is 4. I earn more than him, work more hours, generally in office whilst he wfh and do 85-90% of the child/house related stuff. I'm actively making plans for us to have separated by this time next year. It is death by a thousand cuts. Things have been slightly improved (less than a week so I don't anticipate this will last) but I it's too late now. I needed that 'help' the last 4 years and frankly it isn't help when it's your child and your house.

🤦🏻‍♀️ no one gets rid of their dog for any of these reasons. Are you ok?

Stop behaving like his mother

Sit down with pen and paper and share out jobs make expectation clear , I.e no clothes left on side of bed , feed dog at 6 on the dot

He can sort out his own washing and laundry and lunches

His laundry and his lunch-prep stops today if you have any self-respect.

I see you have gone into ‘but he is a lovely man/perfect dad’ mode now as posters often do.

A decent human doesn’t sit there on their phone whilst someone runs themselves ragged around them. Never mind a good spouse.

Why are you letting it happen?

It's not nice having to bluntly tell people you love they aren't pulling their weight but I do it regularly. If they say I'm nagging I tell them to stop taking the piss and I'll stop nagging and that I won't put up with it, if they don't like it I refuse to live like that and they can make of that what they wish.
Constant battle, yes, but will I crack on and not say anything, hell, no! Why would I let someone treat me like that?

Why would you make his lunch for him in the first place? I’d find that so embarrassing if my partner always made my lunch for me, a one off is a nice gesture but all the time? I’m not a child!

Same for laundry, make him do his own. if you hate it on the floor dump it in a laundry basket and just wash yours/babies.

buy a dishwasher or tell him to do the washing up on days he cooks and you wash up when you cook. You are not a slave