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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to dread visits of my husbands sister

139 replies

JaneMumofTwins · 27/03/2024 15:53

About twice a year we see my husbands sister and her husband. What happens is I get left with her and my husband finds 'manly' things to do with her husband. This would be OK if I found her company remotely agreeable but I don't. She is a stream of consciousness talker and a major hypochondriac. She talks over me continually and if she wasn't my husbands sister I would have no problem in just telling her to STFU, but I am hamstrung by family duty. I find her company so difficult I stop sleeping properly when she is in the house. I am sure she means well but I have endured 3 hours of her tedious boiler story and now she has underfloor heating issues I have completely lost the will to live. I have told husband that if he leaves me alone to deal with her again I will divorce him but I know that it will just repeat itself. How do I get her to shut up without killing her? Am I being unreasonable feeling this way?

OP posts:
Callisto1 · 28/03/2024 13:55

Does your health condition allow you to go on walks? Or any other light activity like gardening where you can be occupied, but still have a bit of a conversation. I find sitting in a room and conversing after 1 or 2 days tortures even if I like the people. DH family have accepted that I am “strange” and need my space so let me wander off for a bit or go out to activities without me so I get a break.

I still find anything over 3 days with family hard work and have refused to have them round for Christmas this year after I had to do a 6 day stint.

godmum56 · 28/03/2024 13:56

Awrite · 27/03/2024 16:23

There is no way I would stand for dh pissing off with the bil so as to avoid his own sister. Not happening.

Just no to the manly outings. Dilute her company.

Otherwise, yes, rude as it is - I would not be home. Life is too short.

This exactly and I have done it. We had a rule between us (I am a widow now) is that the inviter does not bog off. Support on social occasions is not a right and is subject to quid pro quo. Ask your husband if he's rather put up with his sister alive or bury the body and be your alibi.

Original poster
JaneMumofTwins · 28/03/2024 13:57

Gettingbysomehow · 28/03/2024 13:54

I wouldn't be able to cope, I've had a lifetime of people pleasing and Id just refuse to do it anymore. I'd leave the house for a hotel and wouldn't come back until she had gone.

This is where I am heading. Have had a brain wave about getting headphones and telling her I have a technical IT work project on my laptop, and learning Power BI. She's more physically incapable than me so bike rides are out of the running for either of us.

OP posts:
UncomfortablyBig882 · 28/03/2024 13:59

I'd tell DH in no uncertain terms that he needs to socialize with his own sister and you are not to be left alone with her. I would fake a migraine and lock myself in the bedroom.

godmum56 · 28/03/2024 14:00

JaneMumofTwins · 28/03/2024 13:57

This is where I am heading. Have had a brain wave about getting headphones and telling her I have a technical IT work project on my laptop, and learning Power BI. She's more physically incapable than me so bike rides are out of the running for either of us.

Show quote history

Don't make excuses. Don't be forced to do something you don't want to do.

toddlepod · 28/03/2024 14:00

As soon as you mentioned ‘boiler story’ I thought fr jack in a cupboard with the boring priest talking about his favourite humming noise, cost of boilers and preference for square envelopes.

Ladyj84 · 28/03/2024 14:01

Go out and do something but wouldn't bother me twice a year

soupfiend · 28/03/2024 14:05

JaneMumofTwins · 28/03/2024 13:33

She is not autistic. In fact I am on that spectrum and it turns out sensitive to sensory overload. Which I think is the root cause of my problems with her. We have many friends and family who are either autistic or have traits, they are not an issue. You seem to be determined to be antagonistic.

Show quote history

You seem to be quite rigid in your understanding about autism, there isnt 'one' autism presentation

A lot of people who are ND have difficulty gauging social situations, self awareness and social communication abilities. She might have this issue, she might not, but to discount it out of hand becuase of your own traits and other autistic people's traits isnt helpful

Nevertheless, there are lots of suggestions about how you can avoid the problems when she visits.

Original poster
JaneMumofTwins · 28/03/2024 14:26

soupfiend · 28/03/2024 14:05

You seem to be quite rigid in your understanding about autism, there isnt 'one' autism presentation

A lot of people who are ND have difficulty gauging social situations, self awareness and social communication abilities. She might have this issue, she might not, but to discount it out of hand becuase of your own traits and other autistic people's traits isnt helpful

Nevertheless, there are lots of suggestions about how you can avoid the problems when she visits.

Show quote history

Maybe I am rigid because I am also on the spectrum? I just cannot cope with constant exposure to her and I was dragged up to be polite, my DH is quite capable of just picking up a paper and reading it and ignoring everyone, I feel constrained by social niceties. At what point is someone just a crushing tedious person and not someone with mental health issues? Is no one responsible for their appalling behaviour?

OP posts:
soupfiend · 28/03/2024 14:29

Perhaps feeling or demonstrating more empathy toward her would be of benefit to you.

ND isnt a MH condition by the way

Original poster
JaneMumofTwins · 28/03/2024 14:33

soupfiend · 28/03/2024 14:29

Perhaps feeling or demonstrating more empathy toward her would be of benefit to you.

ND isnt a MH condition by the way

I have done this for years. I have reached breaking point.

OP posts:
pavedwithgoodintentions · 28/03/2024 14:46

Just make plans to do something with friends this weekend and disappear. Tell you husband he can host his sister and her husband as it's his family and you're tired of him always dumping her on you.

Make him deal with her, because he won't if you're there. You know this.

phoenixrosehere · 28/03/2024 15:04

YANBU

Your DH should be spending time with his sister, not leaving you to entertain her alone knowing what she is like.

I think it is interesting that posters are calling you unkind when your DH, her own brother doesn’t want to be around her and chooses to bugger off and find something to do so he doesn’t interact with her much.

Can you say you aren’t feeling well and stay in the bedroom for the rest of her visit?

soupfiend · 28/03/2024 15:13

JaneMumofTwins · 28/03/2024 14:33

I have done this for years. I have reached breaking point.

Show quote history

Fair enough, there are lots of ways to avoid her it seems, I also would consider a hotel, or holiday, go away when she is planning to visit and have a lovely break

GardenGrind · 28/03/2024 15:40

I'm sure she'd love to go and see that big isle of man waterwheel - every single visit. Make it her new favourite thing. Go several days in a row, cos it's her favourite thing. Report back how many hours you can clock up before she loses her guest facade.
Xmas presents can be totally big wheel themed from now on.
You can thank me!

Lotsofthings · 28/03/2024 15:46

Can you find excuses to go out on your own for a bit, doctors appointment, collecting dry cleaning, a number of emergencies dental appointments for the week.

CactusMactus · 28/03/2024 16:04

Drink heavily. And make her drink more.

SoreAndTired1 · 28/03/2024 16:11

I've only read your posts OP, but from reading your posts, it seems you are copping abuse from smug, heartless, narcissistic posters who don't understand how overwhelming it can be for someone like you, with autism, to have to deal with this. It is totally overwhelming and it affects your health. As an introvert, I would have had an emotional breakdown.

I am being very serious now.... can you afford to go to a motel for 4 days to a week? Maybe classify it as a health retreat for yourself. I think it's way past time your husband dealt with her on his own and learned from this. You are in danger of having a really serious breakdown if you don't. Please, just go. Just go to a motel, any motel. Even a cheap one. You need this and you have really well past earned this. My fear is you'll read all this and the thread replies, and not do anything and stay, and put up with it. Again. Make the change, get out on your own. Breathe and just.... be.... You need to take this chance and go to a motel because you known damn well your husband won't change his tactic this time either and he needs to experience this himself for himself. Just do it. Consider it as a lesson to him he needs to experience and you're doing him a favour.

BMW6 · 28/03/2024 16:11

Can you not just say at some point "Will you PLEASE STOP TALKING SO MUCH"?

Or stand up when she's in mid flow and say "I've got a banging headache and I'm going ........ for some peace and quiet"?

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 28/03/2024 16:14

I think the only thing you can do is excuse yourself at the earliest opportunity (maybe after you've finished a cup of tea and politely listened to her during) and then go and get your husband with a "your sister wants to talk to you".

Have a raft of excuses ready for if he says he's nipping out to the <wherever> so he can't. Cheeky sod.

diddl · 28/03/2024 16:31

So she comes to visit her brother with her husband, brother & husband promptly piss off & op is the rude one?

I'd be holed up in my room reading/watching Netflix/iplayer & eating chocolate!

LookItsMeAgain · 28/03/2024 17:06

GaryLurcher19 · 28/03/2024 12:03

You have a DH problem, OP. It is his DS and he should stop making it your job to entertain her.

100% this.

His side of the family, his job to entertain and not leave you to deal with someone who he freely admits is hard work and/or difficult.

I really would begin to make arrangements to be out for at least part of their visit so that you're not there 24x7 with her. Make appointments and then announce that you are doing X or Y on the morning and DH, BiL and Sis can do something together while you're off doing your thing.

Just because you're a woman and she's a woman doesn't mean that the menfolk get to leave you to your sewing or whatever they used to do in the time of Emma or Jane Eyre!

Lotsofthings · 28/03/2024 18:07

Maybe fake a bad headache and have to lie in a quiet room (with phone!) Sometimes you can cope if you have some control and a chance to escape.

IsawwhatIsaw · 28/03/2024 18:17

pavedwithgoodintentions · 28/03/2024 14:46

Just make plans to do something with friends this weekend and disappear. Tell you husband he can host his sister and her husband as it's his family and you're tired of him always dumping her on you.

Make him deal with her, because he won't if you're there. You know this.

Yes, your DH is offering the invite, then deliberately planning to avoid spending time with her. I’d be furious. That’s the bad behaviour, not Op!
Now reverse it, so you’re the one inviting a tricky brother then leaving your DH to deal with him…

TryingNotCrying24 · 28/03/2024 18:18

If you have autism I would say it is a totally unacceptable cognitive overload for you in this scenario. I'm surprised you're not having meltdowns at the time or breakdowns after they leave. Your husband is being so selfish. You need to tell him - "my autism means that the time spent with your sister is impacting my mental health. I am also disadvantaged in that my physical health means I am trapped spending time with her. If you do not change and take the lead in spending time with her, the next time they come to visit I am going to book into a hotel for the days they are here."