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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed with partner finances AIBU

79 replies

Rockdaylia44 · 27/03/2024 08:23

So bit of background been together 13 year's living together in my home for 7years whilst he rents out his house in our early 40's.
No kids together but 1 daughter each at University's from previous marriages.now my issue is DP earns double what I earn and insists everything financially is halves on bill's everything. He's a good partner caring,loyal, thoughtful but I'm from a traditional background where the husband ( my father) takes care and pays for his wife as the main breadwinner. I've recently had a work contract end and am earning less whilst looking for a new job in sales. Really want to go on a overseas vacation I told him I'm strapped for cash currently for him to reply that's tough we won't be able to go and give it a miss this yr. AIBU to expect my life partner to not offer to pay for me? Really disappointed with his reaction. He said a vacation isn't essential and he'd help more with bills.

OP posts:

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 27/03/2024 08:25

To be fair you can't really afford a holiday so he's got a point.

ViciousCurrentBun · 27/03/2024 08:26

Bills should be split proportionately taking in the income of each person.

RandomButtons · 27/03/2024 08:26

You’re not his wife and he’s not treating you like you are.

I agree it’s hurtful. Does he pay half your mortgage?

FatherDickByrne · 27/03/2024 08:28

Who gets the money from him renting out his home? If you don’t get a share, why not consider asking him for some rent? That would top up your income nicely!

LittleGreenDragons · 27/03/2024 08:29

He earns double and gets rental income but only pays halves in your house? I thought it was supposed to be proportional. Is it just half of bills or does he give you rent as well?

Original poster

Rockdaylia44 · 27/03/2024 08:30

He pays half on mortgage and bills everything

OP posts:

Goinggoingone · 27/03/2024 08:30

I think you are both being unreasonable, given you aren't raising children together there is no reason for him to support you. You are clearly able to work and support yourself. He should be paying in more than you if he earns more though. Does he share the rent he gets from his place because he is living in yours? Fair would be the two of you meeting somewhere in the middle.

Original poster

Rockdaylia44 · 27/03/2024 08:31

He saves all his rental income for our future we are hoping to move to a nicer area in the future

OP posts:

WarshipRocinante · 27/03/2024 08:32

Does he keep the rental income? Because if you had moved into his home, then you’d be renting your place out and you’d have more income. Why should he profit from living with you?

That should be “family money.” But the rest of it… you’re adults on your second partners, and whatever money you save up will go to your respective children when you pass. Why should he support you just because he is a man? You’re not a family together with kids together when money should be pooled. You’re older adults with grown children on your second serious relationship. You have your own incomes. Costs should be split and you can’t afford a holiday. Was pretty cheeky to text him saying you want a holiday abroad because you were basically saying, “I want you to pay to take me abroad because I want a holiday I can’t afford.”

WarshipRocinante · 27/03/2024 08:35

Rockdaylia44 · 27/03/2024 08:30

He pays half on mortgage and bills everything

Be careful with this. If he is paying half your mortgage then he could claim half your house. So, his place will be left to his daughter but your place won’t because he’ll claim half.

If you’re going to sell up and move to a better area, make sure you have half the new place each and you leave your half to your daughter, with him having the right to live in it until he dies. Don’t allow him to own a larger percentage because he has been paying towards your mortgage on this current place.

Protect your assets for your child.

Autienotnaughtie · 27/03/2024 08:36

The rental is additional money he makes because he lives with you . I would expect he pay more because of that. So in fairness half the rental money extra.

But no he shouldn't have to'support ' you

Mrsttcno1 · 27/03/2024 08:37

I have to say I don’t really see a massive issue with this? You’ve both been married before and I think it’s really common in second relationships (after marriage) to keep more financial independence for your respective children. He should be paying a higher % of bills if he does earn so much more, but I don’t see why he should pay for a holiday unless he wants to.

LordPercyPercy · 27/03/2024 08:37

That sounds like a flatmate with a side of sexual services, not a partner.
If you love someone you'd want to be kind to them.
However you'll get slaughtered on here now because you've mentioned somewhat old fashioned views on relationships.

Original poster

Rockdaylia44 · 27/03/2024 08:38

My father grandfather uncles have always treated their wives/ partners. Looked after them.I guess I thought my DP would do the same

OP posts:

Idontknowwhatmynameis · 27/03/2024 08:39

Rockdaylia44 · 27/03/2024 08:31

He saves all his rental income for our future we are hoping to move to a nicer area in the future

Because you are not married, you have no legal entitlement to this money at all. He could just walk away with all of it and then make a claim against your house by proving that he’s been paying half of the mortgage. You need to protect yourself and insist on any savings for both of you being in your individual savings accounts.

Beamur · 27/03/2024 08:39

He's offering to pay more towards the bills while you're not working though? Just (sensibly) saying you can't afford a holiday too.

SpringChiken · 27/03/2024 08:40

I think you’re being taken for a mug. Are these savings of his rental income in a joint account? If not, he’s living a subsidised life in YOUR house whilst making piles of cash on the side. You aren’t married. He can walk away and you’ve got nothing.

I would say to him that these savings should be split down the middle in future or put in a joint account. If he kicks off, you will know what he’s up to.

Original poster

Rockdaylia44 · 27/03/2024 08:40

Maybe I'm just very old fashioned but I would pay for him if the roles were reversed

OP posts:

WarshipRocinante · 27/03/2024 08:40

Rockdaylia44 · 27/03/2024 08:38

My father grandfather uncles have always treated their wives/ partners. Looked after them.I guess I thought my DP would do the same

Right… but it’s not the 50s anymore. Why do
you need to be looked after?

You haven’t given up your career to raise his kids. You haven’t given up your career to support him having one with house moves or family commitments.

This is a second relationship in the second half of your life, and you both have careers and can support yourselves.

Why should he support you? Because you’re a woman? Is that what you’re teaching your daughter… to marry rich?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2024 08:41

Rockdaylia44 · 27/03/2024 08:38

My father grandfather uncles have always treated their wives/ partners. Looked after them.I guess I thought my DP would do the same

Then why move in with him if he isn't what you want from a partner? At the point he earned double your wage plus is getting rental income from his house, and insisted he wouldn't pay more than 50%, surely it was clear you wouldn't be happy

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2024 08:41

And he should absolutely be prioritising paying more towards bills than spending thousands on a holiday

SpringChiken · 27/03/2024 08:41

But you wouldn’t pay if your gambit was to use a partner with not much financial awareness to get away with stockpiling cash for yourself…

concernedchild · 27/03/2024 08:41

He is looking after you, by saving the rental income to move in the future.

Original poster

Rockdaylia44 · 27/03/2024 08:43

He actually doesn't make much on his rental property and ended up paying a lot out when the tenants fell behind with the rent. He doesn't charge nearly enough so probably only makes about 150 per month

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 27/03/2024 08:44

Rockdaylia44 · 27/03/2024 08:38

My father grandfather uncles have always treated their wives/ partners. Looked after them.I guess I thought my DP would do the same

You do realise paying for holidays when you can’t afford one is not the be all and end all of someone taking care of their partner?

You’re not married, you both have separate children you will want to provide for, it’s not the same as when you start out together, marry, have kids and share everything.

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