Annoyed with partner finances AIBU

[Rockdaylia44]

So bit of background been together 13 year's living together in my home for 7years whilst he rents out his house in our early 40's.
No kids together but 1 daughter each at University's from previous marriages.now my issue is DP earns double what I earn and insists everything financially is halves on bill's everything. He's a good partner caring,loyal, thoughtful but I'm from a traditional background where the husband ( my father) takes care and pays for his wife as the main breadwinner. I've recently had a work contract end and am earning less whilst looking for a new job in sales. Really want to go on a overseas vacation I told him I'm strapped for cash currently for him to reply that's tough we won't be able to go and give it a miss this yr. AIBU to expect my life partner to not offer to pay for me? Really disappointed with his reaction. He said a vacation isn't essential and he'd help more with bills.

He only makes £150pm on the rental.

He would be better off moving back to his rental property and stop paying OP for half of HER mortgage and all her bills.

move into his property, let yours out and pay half his bills, see how he likes that

He has offered to pay more of the bills while the OP is struggling, how is that not helping out in her time of need?

Two posters have claimed he could claim half her house they are not married?

My lodgers pay my mortgage but will never have a claim on my house

You need to try and speak to him about increasing the rent to meet the market rate. Also he should be paying more for bills. But demanding someone pays for you to go on holiday when you are unemployed is just bizarre.
It sounds spoilt and it shouldn't be a priority. Get yourself a new job, get settled in, then go on holiday next year. By which time your bf should be putting in more for the bills and getting a higher rental income. Which he should split with you as he can only rent it out because he's in your house!

It's funny how you're "traditional" when it comes to his money. Or is it also traditional in your family for unmarried couples to live together in the woman's house?

Would OP also pay half his mortgage? Because that would be a sweet deal for him.

Also he should be paying more for bills.

How can he pay more on bills? OP says He pays half on mortgage and bills everything, so he's paying all bills already!

Bluntly you are very silly to have done this.
In the event of the split... he keeps his home and has a claim on yours.

• *More broadly finances need to be mutually agreed in the relationship. Right now he views it as a business agreement and you seem to think you a joint partners. Either get him on the same page or start looking after your financial interests as he is

@toomanyy I missed that post. Surely that's a week????

To go against the grain here, I totally disagree on the higher earner paying way more than the other on bills etc. Why should they work harder/more stressful job etc and have to pay more? I get maybe treating more and paying more for luxuries because they can but we all have to pay bill for the life set up we want!

I agree with you to a point, higher earners don't always have a harder/more stressful job. I earn triple my dp and his job is a lot harder and more stressful, mine's easy in comparison.

I'm from a traditional background where the husband ( my father) takes care and pays for his wife as the main breadwinner.

YABU for this.

Go on a holiday when you can afford to.

I agree with you. Years ago I was in a relationship where we paid proportionally to income. Over the years I earned more and more and found myself taking on more and more of the bills. He then had his hours cut at work so paid in less (I later found out he’d requested to go part time because “we”
could afford it)

Id never go proportional split again. You are both adults- you can both be responsible for your own living expenses

Absolutely! I am the higher earner in my relationship but I am not his keeper!! I I decide on a more expensive trip, I will happily pay the difference etc but thats my decision to make! Cant think of anything more unattractive than someone living off someone else willingly!

2 separate issues in my view…

1. he should pay bills proportionately according to income
2. being female doesn’t mean men have to pay for your holidays/clothes etc

Why? I mean, it’s a valid opinion. But others will state bills should be split equally. I don’t think either is intrinsically correct.

You are looking to be treated like a wife (ie legally upon divorce you would be entitled to monies that you did not earn like his pension) but you are not a wife, you are a partner which is why you have separate accounts and finances. I would be very, very wary of the paying half your mortgage without the legal protection of marriage. He surely would be entitled to a portion of your house equity if you split.

But, I think it is really tightfisted to watch someone go without if you have the means to enable something like a holiday which would benefit both of you. If you loved someone wouldn't you want to give them things? Make them happy? I am not necessarily suggesting that he subsidises you every month but I am betting those savings for this future house are in his sole name.

It’s quite difficult to get a share of the house if you are not married and just paying rent - not impossible, but it is hard. If they get married and are living in the house then becomes community property so he would be entitled to a share working back from a 50:50 split. That would have to be some pension to make that trade off worth it for the OP.

Marriage wouldn’t solve her problem of wanting him to pay for a holiday she can’t afford. Or financially support her.

@Haydenn The only time the entitlement to a share in a property has come up for me is with my SIL who just let her boyfriend move in and a few years later they split and I know there was talk of him getting a share of the equity because he specifically labelled his bill share as "mortgage". They got back together so it was never tested.

I agree marriage wouldn't solve her day to day problem of financial disparity but she clearly has a "partner" who is willing to go without because she cannot afford her share of a holiday. I would think that was a shit partner. She would have been able to ring fence some of the equity of her property before he moved in but clearly didn't get any financial advice. I think it is a very sad situation she is in. Does he even care about her?

Same - I’m also the higher earner but we split living costs 50/50 (at his insistence, I was actually happy to pay a little more). I do pay upfront for holidays IF he doesn’t have the available cash to do 50/50 when we book, but he pays me back, either in instalments or by buying all of our food when we’re on the holiday. Sometimes I travel alone if he can’t afford to come or can’t get the time off. I don’t feel obliged to subsidise him because I want an equal partner and I’m fairly sure I’d feel the same if I was a man, or if my partner was a woman (I’m bi so not beyond the realms of possibility).

Seems you wanted one thing but then went for something else.

You keep saying your father/grandfather were the type to maintain/support their wives. If that is what you wanted then your current partner is a pretty stupid choice. He doesnt sound like he has made any secret in the way he sees things and he has been very consistent. Everything he is doing tends to go with the normal way people who bring separate finances to the party behave.

You have a few choices.

Be up front with him and tell him separate finances don't work for you and its going to be a deal breaker going forward.

Tell him he earns % more than you so you expect him to contribute % more towards household expenses to free up some of your income

Put up with it and accept you will always be playing catch up.

Its pretty clear cut for me

Does he actually want to go on holiday?

I don’t think you can assume traditional gender roles anymore.

If you were his wife from a younger age, had children with him, stayed at home to raise his children, and took care of the house, I think it is much more reasonable to expect him to financially provide for you.

Im afraid I don’t think that applies as much when you didn’t have shared children, or you didn’t do things for him.

You should insist on equal division of labour at home however, and make sure to put money on your own pension, as you are not entitled to his. Would he marry you?

This