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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave a good marriage to potentially adopt

78 replies

WhatCouodveBeen · 25/03/2024 23:14

I’ve name changed as I know family are on here. I’m mostly a lurker who occasionally replies but have been around a long time.

I have always loved children and wanted them, but due to a medical issue, cannot naturally have a child. I was very open about this and my desire to potentially adopt in future, something he said he wanted to.

Unfortunately, a while after we had married DH told me he didn’t actually want children, that he never really had but had just gone along with it for my sake but he had realised he couldn’t continue the lie.

I felt deeply hurt, angry and betrayed. I can’t truthfully say that I wouldn’t of entered the relationship or married if I’d been told the truth
because I honestly don’t know if I would have, but what I do know is I would’ve made a much more informed decision

Our marriage and relationship is generally good
hes kind
lovivg
Supportive of other things I want
We have a good life and I am mostly happy

I have a fantastic relationship with my nieces and nephews and work with chikdren

but the desire to be a parent hasn’t dimmed and if anything it’s getting stronger

I am aware that there are no guarantees that I or DH would be approved to adopt anyway
and I feel I’d have much less change as a single person because I have a much smaller support network

But there are times when I am consumed by the thought of leaving DH with a view to applying to adopt as a single person

AIBU to consider doing this?
has anyone else either stayed and resigned themselves to no children, or left because the desire was too strong?

OP posts:

Motomum23 · 25/03/2024 23:19

I think the fact that he deliberately lied and led you on about being open to adoption would be a deal breaker for me. He hasn't had a sudden change of heart which he would be entitled to - he just lied and manipulated you until he presumed it would be too late. It's despicable. The fact that your journey to motherhood would be harder than others doesn't mean he gets to dictate that you don't do it.

Stompythedinosaur · 25/03/2024 23:22

It's a deal breaker, really, not being on the same page about kids.

He's behaved really badly and I think that would be hard to get over. Is it really a good marriage if he's willing to mislead you over something like that?

TaupeTurtle · 25/03/2024 23:23

I can't tell you what to do about your marriage, and I am so sorry you are in this situation, it must be really tough and you must be feeling betrayed.

There is an adoption board on here and quite a few single adopters on Instagram that may be worth a follow, to get an idea if it is something you want to do. Adoption UK will also have information.

I'm an adoptee and believe that adoption is wonderful and complicated. There is a lot of trauma involved all around, so I would suggest fully researching before making a decision whether you want to adopt (I am sure you would anyway!)

CornishTiger · 25/03/2024 23:23

I couldn’t stay in a relationship where I’d be lied to about being open to adopt if childless even if the relationship was overall good.

Id rather be single and try for adoption even if it didn’t work out than never try.

Good luck in your decision.

LightSwerve · 25/03/2024 23:24

I would leave a man who lied to me about something so important.

I am very sorry this happened to you but I couldn't define this relationship as good.

funfactjanetisme · 25/03/2024 23:29

LightSwerve · 25/03/2024 23:24

I would leave a man who lied to me about something so important.

I am very sorry this happened to you but I couldn't define this relationship as good.

Agree with this. How good is it, really, if it’s reliant on you sacrificing something you desperately want? How kind is he, really, to have misled you like this?

This must be hugely difficult and hurtful to deal with. But no, YANBU to leave.

Ohffsbarbara · 25/03/2024 23:31

He’s a twat to have done that to you. Basically lied to get you to marry him and then gone back on it.

Id be so resentful the marriage would be over anyway.

I know someone who is in the same situation as you, she’s unable to have them but always wanted to adopt - her dh knew this. Now after 15 years it turns out he hates kids and will never want them.

She’s 39 now and had kind of just accepted it - except it also now turns out he’s recently been having an affair - just to stick the boot in!

It infuriates me because she’s gorgeous and successful and he’s just smashed all her dreams to pieces IMO. She’s a friend of a friend and I believe she’s going to stay with him. I don’t understand it - He’s a p.o.s.

I couldn’t have been happy without children but everyone’s different - I’d just worry the resentment would be too much when it became too late to do it and you’d regret it.

(Sorry I’m probably projecting here but I’m just so mad at what he’s done to her )😡

whiteboardking · 26/03/2024 00:00

Gosh awful. He's seriously lied here.
Big style. Adoption is very tough tho.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/03/2024 00:00

I wonder if one day his lie will lead you to resentment, I also wonder if you may spend the rest of your life wondering ' what if '/ ' if only '

RandomButtons · 26/03/2024 00:03

He deliberately, willing-fully lied to you. This is a dealbreaker for me.

KimberleyClark · 26/03/2024 00:05

Lots of men do actually go along with what their wives want re children. He’s not alone in that. What if you are not accepted as an adoptive parent? Would you be happy to be single and childless?

Mmhmmn · 26/03/2024 00:14

You feel how you feel about parenting and you can’t help that. Maybe focus on that for clarity and not his deceit in your decision making process. Think it can take a while to get checked out as potential foster / adoptive parent so maybe start looking into it sooner r/t later while you decide. FWIW I think a person who has a strong urge to be a parent should make it happen. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal and all that 💜

hoarahloux · 26/03/2024 00:20

His lies are what kills it for me. I've been open with my partner about potentially wanting children, and he's been equally open with never wanting them. I've willingly sacrificed having children because I prefer my life with him. If he had lied years ago? I don't think my choice would have been the same. It's a shitty, shitty thing to lie about.

user1492757084 · 26/03/2024 00:35

I could accept a change of heart but a lie, no.

Do you think he could be telling a white lie now, to spare your feelings about not being able to have children?

The future.... adoption is tricky, very.

Could you stay married, because you like the man, but qualify yourself as a foster carer to babies and young children?
Then you will be assessed, you will interact with authorities and you will feel a little what it is like to have caring responsiblities for another person's child. Your husband will also get to see young children in your home and gauge whether he does still feel like a life with kids is not for him.
It could give you a chance to think and experience and make informed decisions.

Could be that you choose a childless life with husband.
Could be that husband sees supporting you with children as great.
Could be that you see leaving husband and fostering as the answer, and adoption, if it transpires.

Meadowfinch · 26/03/2024 00:42

My fiance announced three weeks before our wedding that he'd changed his mind and didn't want children. For me, it was a deal breaker.

I had my own ds eventually so not quite the same, but I'm happy with the choice I made although it broke my heart at the time. Having a child is so fundamental to life for me.

I would understand completely if you left.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/03/2024 00:42

Fostering - wouldn't the husband have to apply as well and go through the same process to be accepted ?!!!
Wouldn't the husband need to be happy and willing to foster ?!!!

jengachampion · 26/03/2024 00:43

I’m so sorry. I left when my ex (among other things) changed his mind about children. Never ever could have stayed - I would have been too resentful. Having kids was my life’s dream.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/03/2024 00:47

There was a post yesterday ? by a lady asking if x husbands went onto have children with other people in the future. similar but different situation, but that Op left her husband and is now very happily expecting a baby as a single parent.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 26/03/2024 00:53

I wouldn’t have started the relationship with my DH if he hadn’t wanted children. And he’s always been aware that if he ever changed his mind and decided he didn’t want them I would leave him. In my opinion being on the same page about having children is essential for every relationship. You can compromise on other things but if one wants children and one doesn’t it’s never going to work. In your position I would definitely leave him.

CupOfCoffeeandaPineappleChunk · 26/03/2024 00:58

I was in a position where I had a child having got pregnant by accident against the odds very early in a relationship but desperately always wanted to try for another child later on. My husband was horrendous about my first pregnancy but eventually came round, he was never accepting of me needing another child. It got to the point where my need to have another child was to during and despite all the plusses in our marriage I told him i was leaving him. It's an undeniable urge and something you will never be able to look back on not going for even if it doesn't pan out, in my opinion, you'll end up being bitter. In my case my husband suddenly had some kind of massive epiphany and devided a baby would be a great idea and now more in love with our second child than possibly imaginable but this is a surprise and odd outcome. I would have absolutley gone ahead on my own and gone for a child. It was important to complete me,I would have become more and more bitter and resentful as time went on , my future and possibilities were stolen. If I were you id very much see it that way given he was untruthful with you at the start

MCOut · 26/03/2024 01:03

It is profoundly selfish behaviour to tell a lie of this magnitude. Even if you decide that you prefer your marriage over adoption, what is to guarantee that he will not manipulate you in such a big way again?

RosalindFranklin13 · 26/03/2024 01:20

I'm going to go against the grain here. If you and your husband truly love each other, I would not be quick to give that up. I could imagine that he might have felt as if he would try to have children with you if you really wanted them at one point, but that when it came down to actually going through with it, he realized he just didn't want that and felt as if he would be lying to say or do otherwise. Is this man your soulmate? If so, I would not give that up. Obviously, you can't have him AND children. But only you can decide whether you value him more or the potential to have children more.

MsDogLady · 26/03/2024 01:28

@WhatCouodveBeen, he is not ‘kind and loving’ if he married you under false pretenses, essentially duping you from the very beginning about something so hugely important to you. He had no right to sabotage your life like this.

Move on and adopt your child.

ShrinkingDaffodil · 26/03/2024 02:45

Noyesnoyes · 26/03/2024 02:48

He tricked you into the marriage, dreadful behaviour and i would walk away.

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