To leave a good marriage to potentially adopt

[WhatCouodveBeen]

I’ve name changed as I know family are on here. I’m mostly a lurker who occasionally replies but have been around a long time.

I have always loved children and wanted them, but due to a medical issue, cannot naturally have a child. I was very open about this and my desire to potentially adopt in future, something he said he wanted to.

Unfortunately, a while after we had married DH told me he didn’t actually want children, that he never really had but had just gone along with it for my sake but he had realised he couldn’t continue the lie.

I felt deeply hurt, angry and betrayed. I can’t truthfully say that I wouldn’t of entered the relationship or married if I’d been told the truth
because I honestly don’t know if I would have, but what I do know is I would’ve made a much more informed decision

Our marriage and relationship is generally good
hes kind
lovivg
Supportive of other things I want
We have a good life and I am mostly happy

I have a fantastic relationship with my nieces and nephews and work with chikdren

but the desire to be a parent hasn’t dimmed and if anything it’s getting stronger

I am aware that there are no guarantees that I or DH would be approved to adopt anyway
and I feel I’d have much less change as a single person because I have a much smaller support network

But there are times when I am consumed by the thought of leaving DH with a view to applying to adopt as a single person

AIBU to consider doing this?
has anyone else either stayed and resigned themselves to no children, or left because the desire was too strong?

In case it was me you were balancing, I’m not anti-adoption at all! Please don’t think that. I’ve just found a lot of people have an unrealistic view prior to looking into adoption and think it’s important that it’s thought through carefully. The process does this anyway, but in this case, I wouldn’t want OP to leave a marriage only to find she hadn’t fully considered difficult parts as well as the obvious lovely bits, which come with having a child. If OP has all the info and wants to, as I said, I’d definitely go ahead with it. I have a fab relationship with my parents (adoptive), but it wasn’t an easy ride for them - not that it always is with birth children either.

I agree with this. Even if you decided not to try for adoption and stay child free, the marriage would be over for me. He lied and manipulated you, not just something small but what would be a life changing event. There's not future after that.

I don’t think it’s lying to be willing to go along with someone’s wishes, then change your mind later when you’re confronted by the reality.

I'm an adopter and have often found the anti-adoption stance on mumsnet very strange
I’m not anti adoption. But I do think people envisage themselves raising a healthy baby or toddler who has no contact with their birth family, and that’s rarely the case. Most children who are available for adoption are older, have trauma or special needs or profound disabilities, and in many cases the adoption service pushes for them to maintain links to their birth family. I’m not saying it isn’t fulfilling for the people who choose it, but it’s not the same as having your own child and many people who have or want kids would not enjoy adopting. OP needs to be clear about what she’s signing up for if she’s considering leaving her husband in order to adopt.

It’s quite possible that OP’s husband was willing to go along with her desire to adopt because he assumed (as many people do) that they’d be adopting a healthy baby. Then he learned that’s not the case so he changed his mind.

Would he be more receptive to his own child if you looked into the surrogate option with his sperm. Maybe it’s the adopting bit he’s not sure about.
Also if you split up, there is the possibility he might have a child with someone else and that would be naturally very upsetting to you.

Having worked in this field, I feel it's my duty to dispel some myths around adoption.

There actually ARE many babies (under 2 years old) who require adoption. The idea that adoption is, in the main, traumatised sibling groups isn't accurate. Yes there are many older children in care who have had very difficult starts in life; those children will however tend to be placed in long term foster. And fostering is completely different to adoption, foster carers are paid carers, they aren't parents nor are they encouraged to view themselves as such.

Contact with birth family isn't the 'norm' either; adoptive parents hold the cards once an adoption order is made and full parental rights are given (and some handle the idea of contact better than others).

As with everything, the online world puts a skewed focus on the negative - contented adopters and adoptees (ie the majority) tend not to take to the internet to tell their story! There's also a tendency online for adopters and adoptees who haven't had a positive experience to presume that their experience is the norm, and they feel compelled to warn people off (I haven't looked at it in years, however Adoption UK's forum was infamous for it's negative bias; I used to advise prospective adopters to avoid such forums!).

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough quandary @WhatCouodveBeen good luck in whatever you decide.

@Bluefell he lied, he admitted he lied, he's a liar and liars are deceitful!

I'd rather a thief than a liar, you can't trust a word a liar says.

The trust has gone because he lied to get what he wanted.

He may have lied, but adopting is not a walk in the park. If it were me I would get the ball rolling now and let the chips fall where they may. Let him choose if he wants to stick around or not. He may change his mind, who knows?

I don't think the op will get far with getting the ball rolling if the husband is so against it - she will be wasting the social workers time as the very first time there is a chat with the husband and he says he is not agreeable that's it - over !

to adopt as a married couple, both potential parents needs to be committed.

I think the Op should find the adoption board on MN...

I wouldn't advise this. If @WhatCouodveBeen starts the adoption process as a married woman/couple (and I mean as early as an expression of interest) and was to separate at any point during, it would almost certainly rule her out (she would be advised to discontinue, and it would still figure in the process were she to try and resume once she had established her life as a single person).

I m sorry OP. That’s a tough place to be. I agree with others that the deceit is a huge issue. If he’s ok with tricking you into marriage that’s a big red flag.
he knew how important motherhood was to you, he said it was an option with him but he never intended to allow it. I wouldn’t be able to get passed that.

Im going to go against the crowd a bit. I actually think a lot of men aren't particularly bothered about having kids. They see it as an occupational hazard of being married. They'll go along with it and can even be reasonably decent dads but they would have been happy enough without them. I suspect your dh was like this and would have been ok with having biological kids but adoption is a different situation and not one he wants to commit to.

Personally I wouldn't end an otherwise good marriage to adopt.

I think the Op should find the adoption board on MN...

This is the best advice. @WhatCouodveBeen is actually in a tricky situation vis a vis adoption. I can't see a family placement team giving the green light to progress past the expression of interest stage until she has been separated (divorced; they'll need to be assured no reconciliation is likely during the process) for a reasonable length of time, and has then been demonstrably supporting herself (financially, emotionally) for a significant period of time.

Two different things here. Your husband's lack of openness is one thing. Adopting is another entirely. You may find as you enter the process that it isn't for you. I know of 5 families with adopted children and life is very difficult for each family. Others will have different experiences of course.

I know a single adopter who has fronted a campaign on this. She adopted as she never found anyone she wanted to settle down with, so she has no additional challenges of dealing with a relationship breakdown, which you would have.

Think long and hard on all fronts OP

How on earth can you say it is a good marriage when he has robbed you of the opportunity to have children?

He is not loving, he is not kind, he is not a good man.

This isn’t someone who has changed their mind, he deliberately deceived you. I don’t know how you can stand to look at him.

You'd be amazed at how often the opposite is true. In my experience, if one half of a couple is reticent, it tends to be the woman.
One tough situation I personally encountered whereupon during the period between placement and adoption order being granted, the Dad approached services and said if his wife (she was struggling to bond) was to disrupt the adoption, he planned to leave her and complete the adoption alone. They separated post adoption order (he left her) and he got full custody of his son; he essentially chose his child over his wife.

“but it’s not the same as having your own child”

It is exactly the same thing as having your own child, because you have your own child.

As usual we have people out in full force who know nothing about adoption, so rather than keeping quiet they make up a load of rubbish.

OP, if you decide to stay together and not have children, are certain are you that the relationship with remain happy, fulfilling and not full of resentment? Thats really the most important thing. You may leave and never be a mum, but in that scenario at least he isn’t preventing you from being a mum.

There are lots of single adopters around, I was one, and I ended a relationship to become a parent, however I hadn’t been led on by my the partner, it just became clear one of us would have to give up something too important, so we jointly decided to go our seperate ways.

If you do want to be a mum you need to be divorced and living alone/not in the family home when you start the process, there’s nothing else you actually need to do first. Agencies and LAs will hold fairly regular information events, some are in person, some are online, some include adopters who can give insight into their own journey. You may find your local area has an adoption support group, potential adopters are often welcomed in so they can get a bit of an insight on the process, what to do next etc.

I don’t know where you are in the UK, but in England it takes from 6-14 months on average to go from start to approval, then you can either wait to be matched by your agency, or you can get on linkmaker and view children who are available and suggest links to your social worker who can then review them. Depending on the child when the link is make you are likely to meet a few times, often within the foster carers home, you may be able to do short trips out together etc before bringing them home. If they’re younger, you may find this process is actually a bit quicker, we met our daughter once before bringing her home.

@WhatCouodveBeen

You have two things going on here - whether to stay with your husband despite the lies. As a long term single I don’t feel I can offer advice, though I think long term the relationship is probably doomed.

However, I am both a single adopter and foster carer - please come over to the adoption board to come some balanced input about adoption.
But to respond to some of the comments here.
@user1492757084 As a foster carer I care for someone else’s child, as an adopter I am mum to my child, I do not have caring responsibilities for him, I am his parent. Fostering and adoption are completely different. The ops husband would still need to be on board and in effect using foster kids as a bit of an experiment is unacceptable.
@Brabican my son is my child. Its not my job as a foster carer to ‘save’ my foster child. Yes you have outlined some of the challenges but in such a skewed way. Yes my son wants to know about his birth family, thats fine, it is his right and he is supported in that. He was not expected to fit in with my family, we created our family together and he has had a profound, positive impact on my extended family. My parents adore him and are as proud of him as the other grandchildren. I know lots of people who adopted babies and very young children, I’m the rarity who adopted an 8 year old.
@VestibuleVirgin any child who needs a new family either by adoption or fostering is starting from a far from ideal place. Better my son be adopted by me as a single person than go through the instabilities of foster care. My foster child is better off with me than in the residential home he was in.
@SloaneStreetVandal I agree with most of what you say. Apart from the ‘negative bias’. I think Ive had a successful adoption, my son is now 20, happy, at university, tons of friends, doing very well for himself. It wasnt easy to get him here. I thank god for all those ‘negative’ posters on adoption uk who gave an honest, realistic picture of the challenges adoption brings whilst celebrating the good things.
@JustMaggie the op cant just apply and let the chips fall. She wont get past the first stage with an unwilling husband.

@WhatCouodveBeen Im a single adopter, its the best thing I have ever done, yes its hard but I have the most amazing son.
If you decided this is what you want to do, be aware that you will some significant time between leaving your relationship and applying to adopt. SWs will want you to be divorced and have come to terms with the loss of that relationship. You will need to be in secure, stable housing. You will need employment that can support you and a child. Think about how you will fund adoption leave. There is lots more I could say but come over to the adoption board

“but it’s not the same as having your own child”

It is exactly the same thing as having your own child, because you have your own child.

Brilliant post.
Just like giving birth, adoptive parents experience that rush of maternal/paternal love when they first lay eyes on their child.
And once an adoption order is granted, you are viewed in law entirely equitably to any birth parent, as though that child were born to you. As it should be.

I would definitely have left anyone in pursuit of motherhood. Even after my first, I would have left to have a second.

The big thing here is the lie though. He tricked you. Deliberately. He decided to completely ignore what you wanted and con you. I would never forgive that.

Thank you @Ted27 As I said, it's been a number of years since I looked at Adoption UK, so I may have spoken out of turn!

When I would look at that forum back in the day, it was marshalled mainly by high volume users who'd (I often struggled to grasp how some of them were approved, but I digress...) spread fear and project their own unhappiness. The tendency was to define their children by their adoptive status, and they'd refuse to accept that there were adopted people who had embraced their family and viewed themselves only as someone who just happened to have become part of their family in a different way (the idea that an adoptee could actually live a 'normal' life, go through school, uni etc without anyone needing to know their adoptive status was completely alien!).

The vibe struck me as a bit of an extremist fringe - perhaps though I was browsing the forum at a time where it was experiencing a low point.

While an adopted child is your own child by virtue of them having been adopted, the process isn’t the same, the journey there isn’t the same, and the child born of adoption isn’t a child you have personally given birth to.

Many people wouldn’t want to adopt if they weren’t able to have biological children, because it’s not the same.

We are quick to pull posters up when they suggest that “you can always adopt” in response to someone who is unable to have children biologically, so it absolutely ks the case that it’s not the same.

That doesn’t mean that adoption is parenting in any less sense than having biological children, but it isn’t the same, and it isn’t for everyone.

I actually think there i a difference between committing to want biological children at some point and then going back on it, and committing to adopt. The process is different, the outcome is different, the scrutiny you have to go through is invasive, and the outcomes aren’t always positive ones. Of course those negative ones aren’t always there, but you have to be realistic when entering the process that there will be hard times, and in some instances adoptions break down, and in others it’s a hard road. It’s not for everyone, and TBH it would be a lot easier to casually say that you’d be prepared to consider adoption and to then back out because there’s not a process of deciding to come off the pill, deciding to start actively trying etc.

For OP’s DH children weren’t on the cards anyway. He knew that the OP wasn’t able to have children biologically, so it’s likely he viewed the whole situation differently.

I would look into the process perhaps, but if the relationship is otherwise a good one, I would think long and hard whether to leave on the basis of something which as yet has no guarantees, and the outcomes of which are uncertain.

Pursuing adoption isn’t anywhere near trying to have your own children biologically.

I don't know what you should do, or even what I would do in your shoes, and for various reasons probably am not the best person to give advice either on relationships or parenthood.

But what I do know is that what you have here are two distinct issues and you should work your way through them separately, instead of thinking in terms of whether you should leave him in order to adopt a child.

Agreed @IAmThe1AndOnlyconceiving is the easy part! A person can be the scummiest soul ever to walk the earth and conceive with ease. Being approved (as is required with adoption) as fit to parent IS a gruelling process; though I'd imagine the OP has already made herself aware of that.

On the adoption front from personal experience I would say don't do it. It is nothing like it is made out to be. It is not like parenting a birth child. I am saying this as an adopter myself and knowing other adopters.

The children have big trauma even if they come to you from birth or under a year. Plus a lot have special needs on top of the trauma. Then normal issues for their age. When they reach the teen years it is x10 worse than a 'normal' teen.

My girls both have SN. Both refuse school and/or college. Both vape and smoke. Neither can self regulate despite having professional intervention and I have attended multiple courses to help them and we have done NVR.

Eldest drinks alcohol and doesnt know when to stop, smokes weed and dabbles in other substances, meets strangers off the internet and is violent to me. Will not engage with professionals. Shop lifts and has been in trouble with the police due to violence. Presents much younger emotionally and socially and worldly than her age. No understanding of money or getting a part time job.

Younger one can be violent. But is more mature and independent overall. And will attend therapy. Hoping she will sit some gcse's. She is trying her best.

I am in constant contact with social services and I have to call the police regularly. Also I am on first name terms with the reception staff, guidance team and senco team at school and college as we have to communicate so much.

The support network you have at the start will fall away until you have nothing. Friends and family will pull back when things get tough.

I have given 100% and more and it isnt enough.

Working on top is almost impossible.

But if you are serious about this I would suggest you look into fostering first as there is more support out there. Read lots of books on the subject and you can attend prospective adoption meetings for more information.