To leave a good marriage to potentially adopt

[WhatCouodveBeen]

I’ve name changed as I know family are on here. I’m mostly a lurker who occasionally replies but have been around a long time.

I have always loved children and wanted them, but due to a medical issue, cannot naturally have a child. I was very open about this and my desire to potentially adopt in future, something he said he wanted to.

Unfortunately, a while after we had married DH told me he didn’t actually want children, that he never really had but had just gone along with it for my sake but he had realised he couldn’t continue the lie.

I felt deeply hurt, angry and betrayed. I can’t truthfully say that I wouldn’t of entered the relationship or married if I’d been told the truth
because I honestly don’t know if I would have, but what I do know is I would’ve made a much more informed decision

Our marriage and relationship is generally good
hes kind
lovivg
Supportive of other things I want
We have a good life and I am mostly happy

I have a fantastic relationship with my nieces and nephews and work with chikdren

but the desire to be a parent hasn’t dimmed and if anything it’s getting stronger

I am aware that there are no guarantees that I or DH would be approved to adopt anyway
and I feel I’d have much less change as a single person because I have a much smaller support network

But there are times when I am consumed by the thought of leaving DH with a view to applying to adopt as a single person

AIBU to consider doing this?
has anyone else either stayed and resigned themselves to no children, or left because the desire was too strong?

He took away your choice. That is something that can’t be taken back and is a dealbreaker.

Plenty of single mums adopt 😊

but had just gone along with it for my sake but he had realised he couldn’t continue the lie

if that’s a literal description of what happened then it’s not a good marriage, I would suggest.

Having children is a huge decision. Everyone has the right to change their mind about it. Children put enormous stress on a relationship. Many women push for children and then find themselves doing most of the work and they grow to resent their partners, For a man, adoption can be a real challenge and his doubts and lack of conviction would count against acceptance as an adopter.
I am a teacher and adoption is hard. You can forgive your own child almost anything because you made them and their faults are often your faults. Often adoption today involves adopting a ready made family. They may well have had a traumatic early childhood and need lots of support. Often they are allowed, encouraged to have contact with birth family members.They may resent being expected to play a version of happy families with someone new. A high number of adoptions break down because the reality of coping with someone else's birth child is not easy. You might fondly imagine a future baby slotting into your extended family. However, your adopted child is unlikely to be a baby and may well hanker for knowledge or even contact with their own family as they grow up.
I think fostering can give you a real understanding of nurturing a child that is not your biological child. A good foster parent can save an unhappy, broken child and give them stability.
Dawn French has written movingly about adopting her daughter. From the sound of it, their relationship is fractured even today. Dawn was a teacher who loved children yet it is clear that it was so much harder than she thought it would be and it continues to be really tricky even though her adopted daughter is now in her thirties.
To be honest, you don't sound like you have much time for your husband so divorce is probably inevitable. I know a male colleague who split with his wife over a similar issue. He went on to marry a widow with grown up daughters. He has grown to love them and he enjoys being a granddad. Ditto,some women find being a step mother satisfies their maternal urges. Although, don't underestimate how hard many women find it to care for someone else's child. Take a look at the step parenting boards on here.
I also know an older woman who adopted and she has very little contact with her adopted son as an adult. It is her nieces who look out for her and she acts like a granny to their children.
Good luck on your journey but do seek counselling as you enter the process.

Is he objecting to children because you want to adopt or would he be against having children generally? Adopting is really hard and takes a certain type of person to be able to do it. I know I am not that type of person.

As8de from your DH's behaviour, you shoul seriously consider all the cons of solo adopying. There are many threads here outlining how difficult it is to be a single parent.
Whilst yes, 2 parents don't always work, willingly denying a child the benefit of 2 parents is just selfish

How old were you when you married, how much of a discussion and soul searching was there about children/adoption? I think mostly people assume they'll have children and it'll all work out and that's the way of things. The complexities and realities are not always like the dream. Fair enough to feel angered and let down and to consider making a plan to leave but I wouldn't take a view that he deliberately ensnared you with a lie.

You say in your OP, he supports the things you want … except he doesn’t. He has been deceitful in the most awful way. Not sure if there’s any coming back from that.

You’d probably have a better chance of adopting as a single person tbh. As soon as the social workers doing the home study interviews find out that your husband is reluctant and only keeping you happy you would be at risk of both being knocked back. This is because adoption is not for the faint hearted and the child has to be very much wanted by both parents.
I have come across a few singles who have done it successfully though - it’s actually fairly common.

I think some of the early posts on here have a very simplistic view of adoption. There are few babies available in the UK today for adoption. Most adoptions involve older, traumatised children. Authorities try to keep children together so many adoptions involve two or three children from one biological family being adopted. It takes a special person to take on a ready made family. Don't underestimate the strength of desire in some adopted children to know more about their biological family. It can be hard as an adopter to feel like an outsider in your ready made family unit, particularly if you don't have a partner.
I think it is unfair to try to force the adoption process on a reluctant partner.
The selection of would be adopters is rightly rigorous. This case horrified me recently.
Couple adopted vulnerable children to abuse
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-68629466

While your husband may have lied which is grim or has just grown and changed his mind which is fine, you can pursue other ways of having a family on your own if you wish but none are ‘easy’ and can be expensive as well as hugely stressful. @Brabican gives the most realistic view of adoption. It is not like the 50’s when babies were relinquished due to lack of contraception and abortion care. There are very few babies now for adoption and usually older children with trauma or special needs. That may be ok with you but is an incredibly challenging parental journey supporting a child with complex needs. I know many couples that did the adoption course and once it became clear what was likely to be offered to them and what it was like to raise these children, dropped out. Fostering would give you an idea to see what it could be like. Then there is surrogacy. Expensive and difficult to find. Or a new partner with children, who will have parents and you may find that’s a good compromise. Ultimately it’s up to you but I would think long and hard about the reality of having children if you can’t have your own.

OP does say that he said he's never really wanted it, but had gone along with it.

So for me that level of deceit is unacceptable.

It was a known before marriage and whilst I agree it's an extremely difficult process, if he knew he should never have agreed prior to marriage.

He’s told you he doesn’t want kids. At first he was willing to go along with it and have kids for you, but now he’s changed his mind. Which is fair enough. If you want kids then leave. But be aware that adoption isn’t the same as having your own kids.

And be prepared for your DH to move on and have kids with someone else who’s able to have them! He doesn’t want to adopt because I suspect, unlike you, he understands the reality of adoption. I bet if he has the chance to have his own biological kids he will, though.

But OP said he said he'd never wanted them? Not that he's changed his mind.

She said “he never really had but had just gone along with it for my sake but he had realised he couldn’t continue the lie”.

So he didn’t particularly want kids but had been willing to go along with it and have them for her sake. Then changed his mind.

@Bluefell he said he wanted to adopt, knowing OPs situation. He then admitted he hadn't really wanted to

It's all in the OP, it was deceitful to get OP to marry him.

*was very open about this and my desire to potentially adopt in future, something he said he wanted to.

Unfortunately, a while after we had married DH told me he didn’t actually want children, that he never really had but had just gone along with it for my sake but he had realised he couldn’t continue the lie.*

I had the other side. My H said he wanted kids…. Until we were married and ready to try. Then he was unsure. A year later (after I gave him space and time to consider) he really didn’t want kids. I was all for leaving and finding someone new so he changed his mind. However he hadn’t really and resentment poisoned our marriage eventually. We are divorced now and he sees our daughter reliably but isn’t hugely enthusiastic.

@Bluefell as you say he was lying...... aka as deceitful!

Not a good thing to base a marriage on!

I agree with pps who've said that life as a single adopter sounds incredibly difficult so I would think very carefully about the situation- could couple therapy help?

I think look into adoption first. It’s a different way of making a family and has wonderful moments but is also tough. Lots of adopted children have attachment problems, they aren’t easy to parent. I think they generally say about a third of adoptive families go on to have no noticeable issues, a third have some problems and another third have severe problems. It isn’t always predictable by age either.

The adoption board here is good. Go on there, read and ask questions. Read ‘No matter what’ by Sally Donovan and The Guide to Therapeutic Parenting and watch ‘a home for Maisie’ and ‘Love is not enough’. Listen to the Adoption and Fostering Podcast by Al Coates.

The main things I would think about are:

1. If you have issues, will you resent the child? It sounds awful, but you’ll be leaving a life where you’re happy and your child is quite likely to reject your affection until they feel able to accept it. Can you manage that?
2. Have you got a good support network? Adoption agencies ask this whether or not you are in a relationship. However, yours will be important as a single parent. You’ll want to have people that listen and don’t judge, as you’ll most likely need to parent differently (unless they already use PACE etc)
3. Have you thought about how trauma could impact a child and how you manage that?
4. Think about your day. What parts are harder with one person instead of two? How will you manage if the child doesn’t want to be left when you need a bath? It sounds silly but thinking through these bits can help you understand the reality and come up with useful plans. Who would you call to help if you ever had an inpatient stay in hospital?

If you think all of this through and read everything and watch everything and still feel it’s what you really want, then - yes, I would do it.

In case it helps, I’m an adoptee and hope to adopt in the future when my birth children are older.

He is not a “good and caring partner” if he tricked you into marrying by lying about something that important

how old are you? why are you considering adoption rather than getting pregnant (sorry if I missed that)

The fact he lied would make me very upset, but I would be reluctant to adopt as a single person.

I wouldn't want to be raising children alone (biological OR adopted)

I'm an adopter and have often found the anti-adoption stance on mumsnet very strange. Just to balance out pp, I have had an amazing experience and it has been no harder than parenting my bio child. My adopted DD is the best thing I ever did. There are specific challenges, yes, but that can be true of any parenting. You adapt. As for the comment above about forgiving your bio children anything, I fundamentally disagree. When my bio child is difficult/moody/whatever, I look at family traits and wonder where he got it from, and blame myself sometimes. With my adopted DD, I find it much easier to accept that she is who she is. There's a purity to that.

I wanted DC and my partner at the time was on the same page. I absolutely would have left the relationship if he was not.

It sounds like having SC is a dealbreaker for you, and if that's the case, you need to leave and adopt DC on your own.

The resentment will only grow over the years, and you'll end up hating him eventually.

Also think about how you'd feel if you gave up your dream of having DC for your DH, then he changed his mind again in 10 years and had DC with someone else.

The adoption process takes years. You need to crack on with it.

From the OP, second sentence

I have always loved children and wanted them, but due to a medical issue, cannot naturally have a child. I was very open about this and my desire to potentially adopt in future, something he said he wanted to.