Not being invited on family holidays

[Scrambledeggplant]

I'm 26F and have a 1.5yr old toddler, I live alone. I only have contact with my mum, grandparents and brother who I'm close to and I see them every other day. They've booked multiple UK holidays this year ranging from 1-2 weeks and I haven't been invited. They know I get incredibly lonely, and that I have severe depression which has become worse recently resulting in having to up my medication. I've been asked to look after the dog, which I said yes that's fine to, but I'm struggling to look after my toddler so it'll be a bit difficult. I said last year about coming away with them but they said there isn't enough room or isn't enough room in the car. I offered to pay each time and get a train down, but they still say no.

AIBU to feel a little bit hurt that they don't invite me and toddler along? They're the only family I have, and I'm not a confident enough driver to drive far or feel comfortable going away with just me and toddler at the moment.

I reported this thread . So many people felt for you and wanted to help but here you say you never see your family yet on this you see them constantly.
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I never did see them no, it's only a recent thing where I've started seeing them regularly as I needed the company. Every other day isn't really "constant", is it? Not sure why you had to report it to be honest. I went through a phase of not being in contact with them as I felt they weren't being fair in regards to my parenting, constantly judging me saying I'm not doing enough for LO. Sometimes circumstances change like the wind, but go ahead and believe what you like

I felt so sorry for you, but I think perhaps you have very much misrepresented your situation.

Yes, every other day is 'constantly.' I would feel lucky, and privileged, to see my family every other week.

Indeed ☹️.

@Scrambledeggplant I can understand you feel hurt, but have you had a conversation that gives a hint as to why you’re not invited?

Do they want to spend time as a MN ‘little unit’ and you would be surplus to requirements?

Are they offended you went low contact then popped back up now you’re lonely and expect to be taken on holiday?

Did their ‘criticisms’ around your parenting have any merit?

It could be anything or nothing, so you can speak to them to hopefully resolve it or accept there are no family holidays to be had.

I’m sorry you are struggling 💐

Bloody hell, talk about malicious reporting.

OP, you’re fine, ignore.

I think they are horrible actually, since they’ve invited other family and not you. And they should tell you that you are a wonderful person who deserves better than an absent partner who doesn’t contribute in time, money or practically. You should say no to the dog and imagine a future where a happy you has a supportive partner and takes your brother on holidays sometimes to have a good bond with him but still says no to looking after their dog, because you don’t have to. And that’s what they are doing, they don’t have to take you on holiday so instead of being loving and supportive they are just saying no.

My family do this OP and I was always expected to take on the extra care with granny while they were away. It took a lot of other incidents for me to realise it was part of a bigger problem about how they saw me. I’m very low contact now. OP for your own sake tell them no to dog sitting. You have to set your boundaries

It could possibly have something to do with becoming distant, we (mainly DGM) had a disagreement about me still breastfeeding LO and saying how I'm starving him. But also had my partner telling me to go no contact with them due to how often we were having small disagreements. It wasn't very long, but no contact is no contact I guess. Then I reached out saying partner hasn't been around and I felt so isolated. But before then I still drove over every other day for an hour or two, then go home again. Reading back it makes me sound awful but I do help them out with housework, walk the dog etc. I don't want to come across as taking advantage. Me, Db and possibly LO are neurodivergent, so maybe they'll just find it too full-on if we all went together. I'm going to try and not take it personally

Softly, YABU. You see them every other day, that is already a lot. Chances are that as much as they love you and your toddler, they want a break. A toddler on holiday is very different to a 7 year old and it's important the family hs time focused on the 7 year old too.
Leave them have the holidays they've planned, but you could suggest a weekend away with them - "hey I found this Air B&B and thought a weekend away would be fun, I was thinking X dates. I've checked public transport and thought I/we could get the train."
I would also try to widen your circle a bit, make some mum friends with children the same age.

I suppose it is quite a lot. I grew up seeing them every day, my mum works at DGPs house so sees them daily. It's just what I always thought was the norm for us. Maybe I need to back off a bit as I can see how they could be feeling a bit suffocated. LO has just started walking so I'm looking into toddler groups. I'm also going to a few agricultural shows this summer so they're always a good opportunity for meeting new people

I think yabu to expect to be invited when it's your grandparents, mum and primary aged brother going away. It would be different if it was just you and a child but you have a partner too.

It is just me and LO. They have told me I'm basically single as DP doesn't get involved. In the many years we've been together I can count on one hand how many times he's met my family. It's got to the point where he isn't even coming home anymore at night. They're very much aware the relationship is as good as dead and has been for a while now

Give them time and space.

They’re spending time with you, but don’t want to share holidays and that’s fine.

If you feel used, you can stop looking after the pets etc and have a more casual relationship until (if) things improve.

People always encourage no contact, but just like you, the people you cut off move on and become accustomed to a life without you in it. Hopefully this can be fixed.

It may be worth building other support systems of you can.

No wonder you're depressed. No one's got your back. I really think you should try and build your own circle because the one you have isn't working for you.

I think you need to ask for outside help and support. Your world seems very narrow. Do you take the little one out ( not just to your mums) do you go to toddler group, to the park or even just for a walk? Your little one needs to socialise. Please ask for help.

Yes I try and aim to go out atleast once per day as I can't be stuck inside for long. I don't want to be isolating myself of LO from the outside world, so I try and spend as much time as possible outside and around other people. Even if it's just a trip to the supermarket. The thing that worries me about having friends is that I never know what to talk about as I can't do small talk

Please don't take this the wrong but your brother needs special time away with your mum and dad. Where he can do things like stay up late and not have to worry about his niece needing attention.
Maybe you could look into a weekend away with your family and take the lead in arranging it. Somewhere you could take the dogs. You could drive behind them and meet for lunch. So your not alone.

They usually only go for walks on their holidays, or go for a drive so probably not ideal for a baby who hates the car seat anyway.

Does the 7 year old like ‘going for drives’?

Do you all get along Really well?

I would try to speak to your mum to unpick what’s going on.

Are they picking a small house and sharing the costs 50/50 with your mum/grandparents? Do they think that you wouldn’t be able to afford paying a third for a bigger property? Are they concerned about how you would all go out for the day as currently they can all fit in one car but if there were two more people (one in a car seat) then it would limit where people went? Does your mum feel like it would be another two people to look after/cook for/clean up after?

I would talk to her about it. If you (and your mum) for example, both have limited money and strained relations (I don’t know this, but it could be one reason), then I can understand why she wants her holidays to be as they are.

Me, Db and possibly LO are neurodivergent, so maybe they'll just find it too full-on if we all went together.

I missed this part. Yes, that could well be a factor. Three adults dealing with one ND child for a holiday could be quite different to three adults and three ND people perhaps.

1. don’t look after the dog. If you’re not welcome on their holidays you should at least not faciliate them. Let them pay for a dogsitting service.
2. try and go on your own holidays with DC. Take the train. Seems like you need a change of scenary.