Not being invited on family holidays

[Scrambledeggplant]

I'm 26F and have a 1.5yr old toddler, I live alone. I only have contact with my mum, grandparents and brother who I'm close to and I see them every other day. They've booked multiple UK holidays this year ranging from 1-2 weeks and I haven't been invited. They know I get incredibly lonely, and that I have severe depression which has become worse recently resulting in having to up my medication. I've been asked to look after the dog, which I said yes that's fine to, but I'm struggling to look after my toddler so it'll be a bit difficult. I said last year about coming away with them but they said there isn't enough room or isn't enough room in the car. I offered to pay each time and get a train down, but they still say no.

AIBU to feel a little bit hurt that they don't invite me and toddler along? They're the only family I have, and I'm not a confident enough driver to drive far or feel comfortable going away with just me and toddler at the moment.

They obviously want an adult holiday. Its thoughtless and i would be upset too.

Gently...do they need a holiday without you ? It can be very wearing being around a depressive person

I’d refuse to look after the dog. What are you getting out of that? You say it’s going to be difficult so don’t do it for them. They don’t want to make it pleasant for you for a week, to have a nice holiday with them and your child so don’t make it easy for them. Start playing them at their own game.

I can never understand people who treat their adult children like this. My parents did. I don’t. I’d go to the ends of the earth for mine. I’m sorry @Scrambledeggplant they’re not very nice, you deserve better.

It's difficult to say, but some of the reasons could be
• can't organise day trips if no room in the car
• toddlers are full on and this often leaves adults unable to switch off. If you aren't there there will be a 7 year old and 3 adults I think, so a more chilled out dynamic.

I can't believe that your mum invites her parents but not her daughter and dgc.
That's really unkind.
Maybe we're in yhe minority but we've always had holidays with our children, their partners and now grandchild too.
We all get on well, love spending time together, it's fun!
Could you try and organise a holiday and invite your mum and brother?
So sorry you're having mental health problems. Solidarity to you 💐

Most gently op Are you struggling more then you have said? No friends ever do to stubbornness is concerning. The antique car that can't be driven far. What happens in an emergency with your child if the car can't be driven much? Perhaps it's time to get a second car that can be driven. Its great to have a antique car but with a child you have to be practical too. You said you had a bad relapse. We're you able to care for your self and your DC? Personally if I was your mum I think I'd not go on holiday knowing you are in such a vulnerable place with an even more vulnerable child. Please look into to help. Make friends. Make a life for you and your child.

Why not ask your mum why you're excluded from family holidays? She might not realise you're upset about it (even if it seems obvious to you).

An adult holiday with a 7 year old? Granted I also read the first post and assumed her brother was an adult, but she's clarified it long ago.

I have to wonder if you never having had a single friend due to your “stubbornness” & your family not wanting to holiday with you is linked.

Also stubbornness & “people pleaser” aren’t two traits that usually go hand in hand, in fact I’d say they’re on opposite ends of the spectrum.

I imagine there’s a whole lot of backstory here that would shed some light on this situation.

Yanbu and I would not be looking after the dog

OP do you think it could have to do with your DP. I know just a few days ago you were upset he won't take you and your son anywhere. Could your mum not be inviting you in order to force him to step up ?

What, why should OP be paying for someone else's dog??

wait, she has a partner?? I assumed she was a single parent from the OP!

It is very hurtful op. I am so sorry. If you were my dd and little grandson, I would absolutely want you with us on holiday - if you were free to come.

Cancel the dog sitting, say you can't do it unfortunately and don't feel bad. Tell them you are taking your toddler away yourself. It is very unfair and rude of them to ask you to care for their dog whilst they take a holiday you would love to go on!

Book a fun few days with your toddler and work on building up strong friendships and a network, so you no longer have to rely on these people you call family. You will have far more fun with your friends and their children.

It seems to me you are investing far too much time into your family, when you could be investing the same time in great friends that include you and value your company.

Just to clarify I do have a partner (although not much of one), but he's never around. I haven't seen him for the last 3 days. He chooses his work over his family, and doesn't financially contribute to his son. So in my eyes I see myself as a single parent, or in a similar position to one. No physical or financial support, and we don't see him. Not much of a partnership. Family are aware of this and tell me I need to let him work if that's what makes him happy and that I won't ever change him. They've been very supportive and offer me help knowing he isn't around. I've also never been away with him, furthest we've been was a few miles away to pick up a shed. So going away with him is out of the question. I'm probably going to say no to the dog sitting, it'll be too much for me I think. I don't believe it's my depression making them hesitant, I'm very good at masking it and don't show it infront of them, usually only when I'm alone. I don't like the thought of dragging them down with me

I think they are horrible and am not surprised you feel left out. I would never do a family holiday and exclude one of my daughters regardless of circumstances.

Could you ask outright if they could book or you could help them look for accommodation that fits six or six and the dog as you and your DC would really like to go in one of their trips.
State again that you’ll get the train and won’t need lifts when you are there.
I just saw your update that you have a partner, I expect they think you would enjoy holidays with your little family.

That sounds like a relationship that strongly disadvantages you. Does he live with you? Or drop in and out? Oh op, it all sounds so miserable for you.

Please build up your own network of good people.

No wonder you are depressed, I think anyone would be in your situation. Work should not come before you and the baby! Especially if he doesn't even contribute. You need to put in a claim for child maintenance today.

That's shit and I completely understand why you feel left out.

Phone them up today, and say you are making your own holiday plans and you can't have the dog. Book a caravan at a holiday park with a soft play, a pool and a playground, that you can get to by train. Your toddler will love it.

Have a think about what positives your partner brings to your life.

Firstly OP, sorry for your depression, and I hope you are able to get support to keep getting better. I think the age your baby is currently at was, for mez the hardest - when they are mobile and quite active but as yet impervious to reason. Must be even harder with little to know support from your partner. Please believe me that for most of us it DOES get easier as the child becomes verbal.

There is a lot to unpick in your post. I agree your mom's and grandparents' behaviour is hurtful. My daughter will always be welcome on ANY holiday that I go on that she wants to join - I would feel privileged and lucky, I think, if she wanted to join me as an adult. Can I ask what your connection with your mom is like generally? Are you close enough to tell her exactly how this is all making you feel? You say you are generally good at masking - is it possible she doesn't currently know how much this all is hurting you?

I also think you need to consider moving on from your partner (easier said than done I know - but what does he bring to your life? You sound like an interesting and intelligent woman - if you were single there is the chance you would meet someone in the future who would truly support and value you).

I also wonder if it would be time to revisit the friendship question? Your post about never having had a friend really touched me actually. It sounds so isolating! I struggled with friendships when I was younger, but as a slightly older woman managed to find my tribe, and it is amazing how my friends enrich my life, almost like a second fanily. Is it something you would ever feel like revisiting?

Good luck. X

Glad you're saying no to the dog sitting.

You really need to break free from your partner as well. Does he live with you? Don't let him come over again.

The fact that your family support this waste of a space partner shows they do not have your best interests at heart.

The fact you feel you have to 'mask' your depression tells me a lot about your parents op. I would really really want my dd to be honest about her MH and to support her as much as I could. Not expect her to mask in any way. I am so sorry it sounds so hard for you, with such a young child, but things will get easier.

You mentioned you're struggling to look after your DC. Maybe they're concerned your DC is either high maintenance (sorry I know sounds harsh) or that they'll need to get involved and help with care while you're away.

This! With bells on.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5032089-choosing-work-over-family?reply=133893068