To not date until my children are grown up

[RunningUpThatHill12]

I'm 32 and a single mum of two lovely children (8yr old girl and 4yr old boy). My eldest came from a long term relationship with my first boyfriend, who left me unexpectedly at 7 months pregnant for someone else and ended up marrying her. He never wanted to know DD. It absolutely devastated me at the time and I have remained single since then. My DS was conceived through a one night stand (the only person I have actually slept with in this whole time). It was extremely stressful but I decided to keep him. He is the light of my life, they both are. DS has some additional needs and he makes me so proud every day with his progress. They truly are my everything. To the point - I'm still young and of course I sometimes feel lonely/want to have sex/wonder what having a more traditional family unit would be like. But I feel like we are a tight unit and they've never known me to be with anyone. They are happy and settled and I'll be honest, I do sometimes think not having step-parents/split custody arrangements has been easier for all of us in a way. I genuinely believe they aren't affected by not having a father (at this point, anyway). I speak openly with my daughter about it, tell her it is ok to ask questions, etc, and she just isn't bothered. Would it be sensible to decide not to date/have any relationships until they are older? My own parents divorced and remarried multiple times growing up and I had many step siblings who I didn't get along with and I just don't want this for them. But I also feel like I'm young and "should" be dating. I don't know. Thanks, J. X

I think she also said something about better to date while dd was small and cute

You tend to find other paired up people want to see you trapped in the same miserable situation they're in.
We need to celebrate singleness more, it is not a punishment. It is not putting your life on hold, it's choosing a different and usually much calmer and peaceful way of life.
Dating can be fun in the beginning, it can also be stressful and disapointing. Most relationships end up tired and fraught. Look at the mess most step parents are in, who would want that, just so they're in a relationship.
I've been on my own ten years, it's opened up a whole new world and you couldn't drag me back into the suffocating constraints of a relationship. It is so empowering living life on your own terms, raising your children your own way.
Dating and relationships are very over rated in my opinion.
Wild, free and untethered any day.

My xh's love life has been chaotic with girlfriends being introduced to dc way too soon and often new gf before the existing gf was aware they were being replaced.

I've not dated in over 10 yrs. My precious "me time" is spent with friends or just shutting the door on the world. I've not missed dating and have developed a far wider range of interests than I was ever able to manage when I had to factor a partner's demands into the equation.

I rarely see a relationship that I would want for myself. DC have seen that you can be happy and socially active without having to have a man in the picture. I might not be modeling a happy relationship but she doesn't see much evidence of it amongst parents of her friends either.

I've talked about this a bit with a friend in a similar situation, kids with SEN, chronic illness, abusive ex. Kids needs aside and that's a big thing to leave aside, we can't imagine ever wanting to meet someone else after what we've been through. I was with Stbxh for a decade before we got married and it turned out I still didn't know him at all. I don't think everyone is suited to or needs to be in a relationship.

Not dating doesn't mean my lifes on hold, right now and maybe long term I don't want to sate and no one's going to should me into that. What I want to do is focus on my kids and on giving them the support they need and spending time with family and friends and being able to just feel peaceful and safe. I'm not on hold, Im not giving things up for my kids, this is what I want. We should stop trying to push people into the same boxes. If you want to date, date, if you don't want to date then don't, there's no should about it and its ok to want a period of your life to not be defined by dating/sexual/intimate relationships.

Sounds like you're doing an incredible job and of course putting them first. I was a couple of years older than you, single with 2 young kids.
I dated after they were asleep and never introduced boyfriends to them until I met someone I had been with 9 months and who I knew was going to be long term.

He has been their step dad for 15 years now and has added to and enriched their lives so much in that time.. their lives have changed for the better due to him.

So I think you really have to see how it goes.. in no way would I have introduced them to any boyfriend, and they always felt and were my priority. The only issue you might have if you met "the one" is insecurity at first from your kids, them never having shared you before. But that's no reason for it not to happen, and can be sensitively dealt with at the time.

If my husband left or passed away, I wouldn't have any interest in dating. I'm not hugely motivated by sex and I cope fine by myself so don't think I would need someone.

I'm not someone who really wants to do a lot of compromising to maintain a relationship, so the chances of me finding someone well suited enough are low enough that I don't think it would be worth my time.