Husband won't tell his family we've split up

[Mummypig16]

I decided that I wanted to end our marriage 10 days ago after being incredibly unhappy for 7 months. I won't go into detail why I made this decision but it's been a long time coming and he wasn't surprised either. Infact he took it quite well (maybe too well..)

We rent a house together, both on the tenancy but I'm the lead tenant and my dad's the guarantor. All bills come out my account, he sends me money when he gets paid but honestly I pay for the majority of things.
He said the split will have to be 'gradual'. He won't discuss moving out even though we agreed it makes sense for me to stay here with our 2 daughters. He says he is respecting my boundaries but still keeps telling me he loves me etc. I understand its an adjustment and I'm in a totally different place to him and I'm trying to be considerate and reasonable... but I'm also so tired of him pretending we're still in a happy relationship to his family.
His mum is getting married in August and I'm a bridesmaid. He asked if I'm still comfortable with that. I said as long as she is then definitely, but I want him to tell his family because I feel like he's in denial even though he insists he isn't.
'It's up to me when I tell them and I'm keeping it to myself for now'
Am I being unreasonable here? He's put me through so much and I have nothing left to give him. I just want him to leave so I can move on and live my life with my daughters. Why do I feel like I'm the bad guy?

Why don’t you just take the bull by the horns and tell them yourself?

Yes because how can the Mum “be comfortable” with you being the bridesmaid if she doesn’t know your marital status? Tbh I would knock that role on the head. You’re splitting up so why do you still want to be involved with his family? I think it sends mixed messages to him.

Yep, you tell them and then see a solicitor re going forward.
Youre just in limbo at the moment. Not good for anyone including dh.

Sounds like he's going to wait you out and hope you change your mind while he carries on as normal.

I'd probably start the legal process so it sinks in and tell him that he has until x day to tell his family or you will. I'd probably back out of being a bridesmaid as well tbh. You'll feel weird.

He said the split will have to be 'gradual'.

He doesn't get to make this decision, OP. Go see a solicitor and file for divorce. Phone his Mum and say, 'Sorry to tell you Linda but Jack and I are getting divorced. I don't think it's appropriate for me to be your bridesmaid any longer - and certainly not without putting you in the picture.'

Pull out of being bridesmaid. When you ex-MIL asks why, you say because it doesn’t feel appropriate now that you are separated from and divorcing her son.

Job done.

I think that he's being reasonable because he thinks you don't mean it. He thinks if he waits then it will all go away. Unfortunately, once he understands that you mean it, you may find that he is far less reasonable. In mumsnet parlance, get your ducks in a row, OP.

Do your children not no you have split up?

I would let the mother know - advise her that you wanted to give her the opportunity to change her mind re you being bridesmaid.

Best to do it over message so that she has time to process it all and reach a decision

What did he do to you? Was he controlling?

I would let the mother know - advise her that you wanted to give her the opportunity to change her mind re you being bridesmaid.

Best to do it over message so that she has time to process it all and reach a decision

This is what I would do.

He is trying to control you by not acknowledging the break up or telling people.

See a solicitor .
Tell people yourself!!!!

Do your children know?

In a nutshell yes he was controlling. Always interfering with my job and dictating what hours I worked. I was constantly in the wrong about everything and I could never disagree with him. He had anger issues. Never hit me and is a good dad but not many other positives about him unfortunately. I got tired of being his verbal punching bag and never being allowed an opinion. He would bombard me with angry messages at work about daft things like he couldn't find gloves for our daughter or I hadn't washed dishes properly.

So I've told my family and friends, I've taken my wedding ring off. He says it's his decision on when to tell his family.
Our kids don't know yet. They're only 7 and 3

He's used to controlling you.

He's labouring under the illusion that he can continue.

He thinks he can dictate the terms of your separation. He can't.

I'd give him a week then tell the inlaws yourself.

If he really won't leave, can you? Ir have his name removed from the tenancy. If yoi don't force this he'll still be there in a year. It must be awful in that house.

I mean,I suppose he's right! He can tell them when he wants!

But you can also tell them when you want. You don't need permission.

All of this. Move things along as quickly as you can, so that he can't control you any longer. He can't stop you saying anything to anyone.

I could leave, my parents would happily take me in. I don't want to give up the house though. My daughters are coming with me, we're settled in this house and have a garden and it's a steal for rent. I can afford it on my own with help from UC, he can't and my dad would withdraw from being guarantor if I left so he'd be screwed anyways.
Its just so weird, he's acting normal but we're anything but. I feel suffocated

oh well there you go! He loves to be in control

be careful if you do tell her as he might not react well when his mother contacts him! Best do it when the children are not around as he might start on you or worse

hopefully he will go soon

Tell his parents, it’d be useful if they’re already used to it when you tell your children. Then you can kick him out and he can go stay with them.

I don't think he's being unreasonable at all! It's only been 10 days. It took my sibling months to tell us of their separation and we're close! His family, his choice IMO but I don't think you have to play along. He will have to explain your absence.

I would absolutly not tell his parents.
You are dealing with an abusive controller with anger issues! Do you have any idea what men like this can do when the control is ripped away from them

I would speak to the LL.
Move to your parents with the idea that he needs to leave for you to return.

Then do everything legally.
Get him out

You are being to passive.
Who gives a shit when he tells his family. Why does it matter to you?
Will it change anything?

I'm not certain - but I think if you are lead tenant and want him to move out then if you contact the LL you can get the tenancy put in your sole name. Particularly if your DF is your guarantor.

I would certain check this as he will have no choice then but to go.

Your dad doesn’t have an automatic right to withdraw as guarantor. We found this out the hard way.

He can ask the landlord to accept it, but the landlord doesn’t have to agree, and there’s a good chance they won’t agree if they think there’s a risk of you (the person who can afford the rent) leaving your ex (who can’t afford the rent) to take over the property.

If I were you I would get the ball rolling on that now before the split becomes common knowledge. You dad needs to ask your landlord now about withdrawing (on the grounds you’ve been paying for x amount of time with no issue) before your ex refuses to leave and won’t pay the rent. He won’t care if your dad ends up picking up the bill - he will probably think it serves you right. And your dad will have to pay if your ex doesn’t.

I think OP has no choice but to tell her in laws as she’s expected to be a bridesmaid for his mum.
It would be wrong to carry out that role under false pretences.