Husband won't tell his family we've split up

[Mummypig16]

I decided that I wanted to end our marriage 10 days ago after being incredibly unhappy for 7 months. I won't go into detail why I made this decision but it's been a long time coming and he wasn't surprised either. Infact he took it quite well (maybe too well..)

We rent a house together, both on the tenancy but I'm the lead tenant and my dad's the guarantor. All bills come out my account, he sends me money when he gets paid but honestly I pay for the majority of things.
He said the split will have to be 'gradual'. He won't discuss moving out even though we agreed it makes sense for me to stay here with our 2 daughters. He says he is respecting my boundaries but still keeps telling me he loves me etc. I understand its an adjustment and I'm in a totally different place to him and I'm trying to be considerate and reasonable... but I'm also so tired of him pretending we're still in a happy relationship to his family.
His mum is getting married in August and I'm a bridesmaid. He asked if I'm still comfortable with that. I said as long as she is then definitely, but I want him to tell his family because I feel like he's in denial even though he insists he isn't.
'It's up to me when I tell them and I'm keeping it to myself for now'
Am I being unreasonable here? He's put me through so much and I have nothing left to give him. I just want him to leave so I can move on and live my life with my daughters. Why do I feel like I'm the bad guy?

Firstly you don't need a solicitor, you can file yourself online at this stage, filing requires just a few details, and he then needs to complete his section (they email it to him). You likely will need mediation and a solicitor for the financials but they come later. That said 10 days is pretty quick to be telling everyone, I waited a few months to process everything first.

More importantly you need to explain to your children and he needs to make plans to move out or you need to work out when you can get out of your rental contract. Until housing is resolved you are in limbo. As for the bridesmaid thing, I would get him to tell his mum by Easter, still plenty of time to cancel then. It will be another week for him to process it

He’s hoping you’ll cave again. His DM doesn’t want him.

Tell everyone he’s been binned and persevere with getting him out.

You absolutely shouldn't be a bridesmaid at his mums wedding now. It's not his place to say you still can be without talking to her.

You can't rush him to tell his family before he is ready though.

Are you sure your dad can withdraw from being guarantor if you move out? I don't think he would be able to do that during the term of the tenancy. How long before the break clause?

YANBU

give him 10 days to pack up and leave, or you will go. Contact a solicitor who can write to him and state you are filing for divorce. He is still trying to control you and trying to play the long game. Just start putting in boundaried and see a solicitor.
pull out of the wedding too. That is going to be a headache for everyone.

Hard as it is, I think you need to show him you mean business. Don't wait for him to accept the situation, as pp have said he'll just hang on hoping you'll change your mind. Talk to your MIL yourself. Just because he doesn't want to doesn't mean you can't.

You need to withdraw from being a bridesmaid for his mother. Just tell her you're sorry you can't do it anymore, and tell her she should speak to her son if she wants more information. They are his family, chances are their loyalty will always be with him, so you can't rely on them to treat you well and fair. Be cautious. He isn't telling anyone because he hasn't accepted it yet. He's likely going to try to work on you.

Controlling people can be dangerous when they lose all control. If I were you, I think I would forget about keeping the house. The safest thing for you is to have to deal with him as little as possible. Go to your parents, get your name taken off the tenancy, and start afresh. He can have no control over that.

OP please seek advice and guidance from Women's Aid on getting an occupation order which effectively tells him he has to leave the house. Also look at non molestation or restraining order. I think you can't attend as his mum's bridesmaid now.

Ignore the bridesmaid thing - it’s not relevant at the moment and the wedding is months away. Plenty of time for the bridesmaid chat. It’s a distraction from the main issue.

What is the plan for him moving out? When is it going to happen? What is the plan for the divorce? When will that start? That is what you should focus on. More important than what he is/isn’t telling his family.

Basically I couldn't win
Absolutely right OP you can never win with someone like him. He won’t let you.

I agree with him, it is his family and his decision and it has only been ten days. I think you should be more concerned about your approach with the children than his family.

But of course you should not be a bridesmaid, I dbt understand why you have said you will definitely do this. I would assume that this will be in the open by August and of course his mother won’t want you to be a bridesmaid then.

Are you physically safe from him? I'm worried that you could be in danger.

If you get on with his mum can you talk to her and see if she can help?

Tell him it's not fair on your mum to have you as her bridesmaid under false pretences.
I think you tell them, you can tell them why too, sounds like the kind of guy who'd make it all your fault, so give them the truth while you can.

Take back control he's trying to eke this out.

I decided that I wanted to end our marriage 10 days ago after being incredibly unhappy for 7 months. I won't go into detail why I made this decision but it's been a long time coming and he wasn't surprised either. Infact he took it quite well (maybe too well..)

He has not taken it well at all! He's living the same life he was 10 days ago! Nothings changed?

Agreed. He’s using the bridesmaid thing to manipulate you as he knows you wouldn’t want to let MIL down but essentially the minute you decided to divorce him it’s not your concern. As harsh as that sounds. If he inconveniences his mother by pretending things are normal then that’s on him. He’s caused all of this himself anyway by being vile.

You have bigger things to think about and yes, please make sure you are safe, possibly with help from Women’s Aid and speak with your landlord about the house situation as a priority.

Totally agree with whoever said that it’s time to start squirrelling away precious things like photos and passports and documents to another house.

Good luck OP

Women's Aid could offer good advice here

Leaving is one of the most dangerous times for the woman

When does the tenancy end? I might be tempted to end it and move out, if he's refusing to leave

Your Dad can't unilaterally decide to stop being guarantor

Be honest with his mum. It's not fair on her having you in such a prominent position in her wedding only to then divorce & have you in all the family & personal photos

I think the bridesmaid thing is a red herring. I think that he's abusive and likely to get worse (sorry). I think you should contact women aid.

Its just so weird, he's acting normal but we're anything but. I feel suffocated

This is the crux, right here. He thinks he can stop it by pretending it's not happening. He doesn't get to choose what happens now, just do your thing OP starting by telling him to leave.

In this event it would be a courtesy to tell his mum you can no longer be her bridesmaid, and explain why.

Thank you all for your replies!
Just to clarify, I do generally feel safe when he's in the house. When he's on one he can be difficult (he's broken several door knobs, broke the baby gate etc) but he has never been physically violent to me or our children.
I had a talk with him last night about moving forward and he broke down. He said I didn't understand that I'm leaving him with nothing. He'll be homeless and won't have any money. He said he's broken and doesn't know how he's going to move forward. Said I'm the love of his life and he'll never find anyone else (as stupid as me probably). Said he'll miss living with our daughters. Begged me for more time for him to adjust and to make plans.
I said I can give him more time but I want to move into separate beds and for him to stop saying he loves me. And I want his family to know within the week or I'll tell them. You're right that being her bridesmaid won't be right, and she should know everything. I get on very well with her and his step dad, I don't like this secret being kept

Tell them yourself. Sorted.👍

He doesn't want to tell them because he still thinks he's in control here and he can make you stay with him.

Just tell people, it's your news not just his.

So it’s all about him, as far as he is concerned. He will be homeless, out of pocket and will miss the kids. Nothing about how he will treat you better.
I hope you’re not falling for this.