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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband won't tell his family we've split up

95 replies

Mummypig16 · 24/03/2024 17:53

I decided that I wanted to end our marriage 10 days ago after being incredibly unhappy for 7 months. I won't go into detail why I made this decision but it's been a long time coming and he wasn't surprised either. Infact he took it quite well (maybe too well..)

We rent a house together, both on the tenancy but I'm the lead tenant and my dad's the guarantor. All bills come out my account, he sends me money when he gets paid but honestly I pay for the majority of things.
He said the split will have to be 'gradual'. He won't discuss moving out even though we agreed it makes sense for me to stay here with our 2 daughters. He says he is respecting my boundaries but still keeps telling me he loves me etc. I understand its an adjustment and I'm in a totally different place to him and I'm trying to be considerate and reasonable... but I'm also so tired of him pretending we're still in a happy relationship to his family.
His mum is getting married in August and I'm a bridesmaid. He asked if I'm still comfortable with that. I said as long as she is then definitely, but I want him to tell his family because I feel like he's in denial even though he insists he isn't.
'It's up to me when I tell them and I'm keeping it to myself for now'
Am I being unreasonable here? He's put me through so much and I have nothing left to give him. I just want him to leave so I can move on and live my life with my daughters. Why do I feel like I'm the bad guy?

OP posts:
Mummypig16 · 24/03/2024 18:41

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 24/03/2024 18:32

I would absolutly not tell his parents.
You are dealing with an abusive controller with anger issues! Do you have any idea what men like this can do when the control is ripped away from them

I would speak to the LL.
Move to your parents with the idea that he needs to leave for you to return.

Then do everything legally.
Get him out

You are being to passive.
Who gives a shit when he tells his family. Why does it matter to you?
Will it change anything?

This is the biggest issue, I'm too passive. I've just let him walk all over me for 10 years and thought it was normal. Its only when I started opening up to people a few months ago that I realised it wasn't right. Do you have any idea how much courage it took to tell him we were over? That I didn't want to be with him anymore? I'm on medication for anxiety and still vomited after the conversation. I'm just trying to hold it together for the sake of my daughters.

OP posts:
xSideshowAuntSallyx · 24/03/2024 18:43

Absolutely do not tell his parents, they won't thank you for it and nor will he. It's been10 days not weeks and weeks. It's something he needs to do.

My ex threatened to tell my parents we had split and it felt absolutely like he was being a controlling twat. It was something I had to do in my own time when I was ready.

They're his parents he tells them not you. It won't go down well with his parents if you tell them. After I told mine, my ex went round (just to stir a little I found out later) but they've never spoken to him since (in fact none of my family have).

cerisepanther73 · 24/03/2024 18:44

@Mummypig16

Controlling right to the end , can't give it up relinquish that aspect of himself which is all consuming fucked damaged immature man child
pathetic excuse of a man ...

You certainly are doing the right thing,

I can amagine when he tells his family that you've split up as a couple,

Whats the chances of him making 🤔 up his own narrative too
such as i don't know whats wrong with her or up with that one,
everything seemed alright,
All couples have their ups and downs in life that's just how it is, or to similar effect,
and she sprang this on me out of the blue,
I am confused why she want to split up etc,

Or

It must be the kind of friend or circle of friends she has got are a negative influence and influenced her in this big decision of splitting in some way,

be aware he will definitely make serious attempts to manipulate you through your children given half the chance,
for sure,

100 per cent agree with your decision to split up from him

Make sure you get good enough emotionally and financially wise advice support too as much as possible
with your own family and good charitable organisations out there too,
that can beneficial to you in your situation

Look up on the Internet for charties also citizens advice bureau can help with financial advice ,

You could maybe get a support worker who acts like an advocate go between yourself and can sign post to best support out there locally ect and services,
could help you too who are involved with charitable organisations ..

Best of Luck

I would also look into seeking having good therapy to explore and understand and address the factors the reasons behind being acctracted to arsehole immature man child as this in first place,

I've been there myself and very much regret this now.

ThinWomansBrain · 24/03/2024 18:48

I kind of get that ten days isn't that long - but on the other hand, August is five months away - and weird that you'd still be a bridesmaid if you're no longer married to her son.

BookArt · 24/03/2024 19:01

See a solcitor asap. They will be able to confirm the best course of action. Your ex sounds incredibly similar to mine, and every bit of control i take back his anger shows, so I would get your plan of action guided by your solicitor in place before you say or do anything. I would also be sneaking anything precious to you and the kids to your parents for safe keeping, including important paperwork and passports, clothes just incase you do need to leave.
Don't tell his family yet. When you are all safe (either he is out or you are out temporarily, depending what the solicitor advises) then I would tell them, mainly because of the wedijng/bridesmaid role as I feel that is respectful to MIL.

Mummypig16 · 24/03/2024 19:03

ThinWomansBrain · 24/03/2024 18:48

I kind of get that ten days isn't that long - but on the other hand, August is five months away - and weird that you'd still be a bridesmaid if you're no longer married to her son.

So although we officially split up 10 days ago we had a conversation 3 weeks ago about his anger and our marriage and he was on his knees begging me for one more chance and that he will change. A week later he blew up at me because I took an extra shift on my day off because he was only working half a day and we need the money. He was unwell and didn't want to look after the girls on his own. So my mum offered to have them overnight and he blew up at that and said he didn't want to come home to an empty house. Basically I couldn't win unless I didn't work that shift but I'd been sick earlier that week and had a day off so I wanted to make up the hours I'd lost..

OP posts:
SergeantDawkins · 24/03/2024 19:09

Sounds like he’s realised he’s losing control of you and he’s trying to hold on to something. So let him have that I suppose,he can tell his family when he wants to, but he should also tell them to speak to you re. bridesmaid duty as his mother might change her mind -
BUT in the meantime speak to women’s aid, consult the Rights of women website , citizens advice, a solicitor to get the ball rolling, he doesn’t get to control what you do in that respect, find out your legal rights and see if your landlord will update the contract so it’s just in your name.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 24/03/2024 19:11

Your dad is obliged to be the guarantor until the end of the tenancy. He can't just withdraw.. Just send mil a text. Honestly what can he do?

decionsdecisions62 · 24/03/2024 19:19

No, you can't be her bridesmaid. Give your head a wobble op! Every time she thinks of her beautiful day she's going to think it was spoiled by you two not coming clean! He's a coward and you're not behaving much better.

tothelefttotheleft · 24/03/2024 19:33

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 24/03/2024 19:11

Your dad is obliged to be the guarantor until the end of the tenancy. He can't just withdraw.. Just send mil a text. Honestly what can he do?

Hope you don't miss this post op.

Twazique · 24/03/2024 19:47

I wouldn't worry or focus on his family yet, I would put my energy into getting him off the tenancy and getting some advice from a solicitor and starting the process of divorce. Not telling his family may be useful if he is difficult.

If in a couple of months he still hasn't told her I would send a brief text withdrawing as bridesmaid.

Notanotheruser111 · 24/03/2024 19:52

Without knowing a lot of the background. You have a controlling ex partner, who sounds like is in denial about the relationship end. His flashpoint include controlling where his kids are “can’t come home to an empty house”.

OP I would seek some professional family violence support and the creation of a safety plan to help leave him safely with support. Coercive control is a serious risk factor when relationships break down.

maddening · 24/03/2024 19:59

Tell him his mum will be pissed off having you in all the pics etc of the wedding and then finding out you are splitting.

BirthdayRainbow · 24/03/2024 20:06

H and I split. He told his mum before he told me. I wrote and told the rest of his family as he wouldn't have done. Tell who you want. I wrote around 2-3 months after we split but there were reasons child related for that.

Angelsrose · 24/03/2024 20:30

I think not living with your husband would be the safest option. With the issues you've had with him, it's not impossible that he could turn violent as he is losing control of the situation. Please be safe and careful.

Pumpkinpie1 · 24/03/2024 20:34

How well do you get on with your MIL ? Are you friends not just DIL & MIL ?
If it’s just amicable you need to let her know you can’t be her bridesmaid. If you are close that’s different.

I think you need to keep the momentum going . Your Ex is comfortable, controlling and hopes you will change your mind.
Speak to your Landlord about the lease and see a solicitor so you know your rights.
You know this marriage is over , so take action

User364837 · 24/03/2024 20:35

I think you’re right that he is in denial, or being overly optimistic you don’t really mean it.
I experienced this and unfortunately you might have to tell him a few more times. I felt I was kicking a puppy sometimes but it is kinder to be honest, clear and consistent. Be prepared for his behaviour to change once he realises you’re not going to change your mind.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 24/03/2024 20:36

Sorry OP I just re read again and see that you can afford rent with UC.
Have you discussed this with your LL. As some will not see you as meeting affordability with UC and you may still be rejected.

Gcsunnyside23 · 24/03/2024 20:52

I would tell him you're no longer comfortable being bridesmaid. By saying you will then he's holding on to chance of you changing your mind. Also I highly doubt his mother will want you to be anymore. If you tell him you won't that will force his hand. What's his plan for the gradual separation? You don't have to agree. Can you speak to LL about removing him from contract. By the type of person he is unless you start legal proceedings he will drag his heels

Shetlands · 24/03/2024 21:53

Do you feel safe at home with him at the moment?

samqueens · 24/03/2024 21:58

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I really recommend you call women’s aid and get some advice about how you can move things forward and get him out of the house (I have no idea how this works with rentals, but I imagine it’s possible to severe the tenancy and put it in your sole name, especially if your dad is guarantor). Legal advice is obviously a must. Even more obviously don’t discuss any of this with him.

i think you have to accept that a man like this is NOT going to leave willingly, or do the right thing, or what would make things easier for you or what would be best for the children. He is going to carry on telling you one thing, doing another, gaslighting and controlling you etc. If he gets the notion that this is for real happening, and he is going to lose everything, he could very quickly turn very nasty. So please go and get the information you need from trusted impartial sources, and get a plan together… Don’t rock the boat any more than you have to until you know what’s what.

The wedding is not for a while and for now you need to prioritise your well being and that of your children. Hopefully you’ll have a chance to let his mum know that you are separating and wouldn’t want to be her bridesmaid under what now feels like false pretenses… if you’re lucky perhaps she will ask for more info and you might be able to tell her (in confidence) that he is very controlling… (out of interest are his parents divorced? Did she leave his dad…?) But unless you have a genuinely close relationship with her discussing this kind of personal info with her may never be appropriate. (Sometimes I wonder about all the women who think their adult sons are so marvellous when on fact they have raised abusive arseholes. Do any of them ever get told and stand up for the abused partner I wonder…?)

Anyway, when he tells his family/friends he will no doubt make out you’re some kind of crazy witch, and will probably use the wedding issue against you if he can. But chances are there’s no real way to get ahead of that so I think it’s probably something you’ll have to deal with as and when.

The most important thing right now is the safety and well being of you and your children, so get advice and get him out.

I also can’t recommend strongly enough that you read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Download on kindle app or Apple Books and do NOT let your H know about it). This book did more for my sanity and willpower than anything else including Counselling. It is really compassionate and helped me feel seen and understood. It also really helped me find a vocabulary to talk and think about what was happening to me.

Good luck 💐

Axx · 24/03/2024 21:58

He's hoping he can get you to change your mind.

Rubbish situation for you.

tara66 · 24/03/2024 22:10

His mother needs to know asap because it would seem that he may need to move to live with her. He doesn't like going home to empty house you say? What a baby. Yes he needs to move back with his mum - NOW - before she gets married as he may not be able to afterwards. That may be why he is not telling her?

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 24/03/2024 22:22

decionsdecisions62 · 24/03/2024 19:19

No, you can't be her bridesmaid. Give your head a wobble op! Every time she thinks of her beautiful day she's going to think it was spoiled by you two not coming clean! He's a coward and you're not behaving much better.

wtf?

JordanPeterson · 24/03/2024 22:39

If someone is controlling & difficult then you may need to compromise to escape their grip in order to achieve your long term goal

If someone won't leave a rented home willingly & you have the option to leave without financial impact, then it may be wise to bite the bullet & move out, even if it was a bargain

If someone is controlling when communications go out to their family, then you can still decline to be a bridesmaid without undercutting them & revealing their "secret"

When the mother asks why, just keep repeating "I'm so sorry to let you down, I wish circumstances were different, I'm afraid you'll need to talk to your son about it all, best it comes from him"

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