To not lend father the money

[Downandout21]

I've posted a few times about DF but for background, he has never been good with money. Growing up he would spend on cards and mum would bail him out.

He was an abusive man, both physically and mentally to mum, but he is still my dad.

DH and I are trying to buy our first home, it's been a disaster and we have been trying for 2 years but for one reason or another they have fallen through.

Eventually we have found a new build, however there has been delays of around 6 months so far. Being FTB we literally have saved enough for deposit, legal fees and about £2000 just in case.

Whilst the delay was happening DF kindly let us move in with him, we paid rent, bought the food shopping and did all housework including making dads packed lunch for work. Eventually we ended up getting on each others last nerve and as the new build has been delayed even longer so we decided to move Into a short term rental. Because of this we are now down the £2000 just incase money as this was spent on deposite and first months rent.

Went to see DF today and the first thing he said was 'I'm glad your hear, do you remember that money you said you would lend me I really need it'. I said to him that I don't have any space money and he replied saying you said when you move to the new build you could lend me money, I explained I haven't moved to the new build and due to going into the rental have no extra cash. He told me that he was screwed, he has spent money he owes someone else because I said I would lend him some money. I asked him how much he needed and he said £4000 and would pay me back over 3 months. I just can't take the chance if I lent it him, I would no longer have enough for my house deposit which I worked 7 days a week to scrimp together. I told him to ask my sister as she is quite well off, and he said I'm not asking her she will just say no and that he is now f**ked. He then said after all I've done letting you live with me and you can't even lend me money when you just have it sitting in the bank.

I left shortly after and now feel sick with guilt and anxiety. He looked so worried when I left I worry he may do something stupid.

Should I just give him the money and hope the house isn't due completion in the next few months? We won't be penalised if we have to pull out as we are way past our long stop date.

So your abusive wastrel of a Father sucked the life out of your Mother and now you’re going to let him do the same to you?

Also I honestly think you will lose some of your DH’s trust if you give your house deposit to your Father - as he would clearly be shown that you put your abusive father ahead of the life you could have had with him in your own new house together.

Firstly just NO. Secondly it doesn’t say that you promised him 4000 and assuming you would give him that is insanity.

i would send him in the direction of step change/debt support charities and wash my hands of any financial support.

I just keep picturing his face over and over again and it's making me feel really anxious and stressed.

You need to get some strategies to deal with this. Therapy, maybe CBT. It's not necessary to fixate on that - if you have to fixate on anything, you could fixate on how abusive he was to you and that would make you feel more justified in not giving him the money. You absolutely must not give it to him and must work on ways to manage your unfounded guilt. You owe him nothing. He's manipulating you because he knows he change. Show him you've changed.

Don’t do it. You can’t afford it, he won’t pay you back and he’s doing the exact same thing my (abusive) ex used to do to get money out of me: twisting things to make it all my fault so I’d feel bad. You said yourself your dad is abusive. It’s hard to not get sucked in by parents like that- they’ve been messing you up for so long they know exactly what they’re doing to make you doubt yourself even when you’re being totally reasonable.

What are you thinking?

He was physically and mentally abusive to your mother. You know what kind of man he is.

I don't condone any of his behaviour but he still My dad.
Would you tolerate it from a friend?
He doesn't get a pass on his horrible behaviour purely because he's related to you.
Grow a backbone and say no, are you willing to lose your home to protect his feelings?

Please do think about the question I posed.....are you prepared to lose this house? The home that you have started to create? Does your concern for your Dad trump your commitment to creating that home with the person you love?

You describe yourself as having empathy and therefore concern. You believe by giving your Dad £4k you are safe guarding him. Please consider whether what you are actually doing is enabling him. To continue to financially live beyond his means. It's this amount this time - which funnily enough is the amount you have - but what are you going to do next time?

@Newestname002 we live in an expensive part of the country, and unfortunately it was peak stamp duty holiday/post covid house transaction frenzy time. Instead of being there 3 months, me and my 2 DC ended up being there 15 months and only completed on the 3rd house purchase after 2 others fell through.

I spent A LOT of that 15 months biting my tongue 😐😐😐

Wise words

Do not be a fucking idiot.

This could set you back years and years and if by some chance in the future you get another go at being homeowners against the landscape of ever rising house prices and stagnate wages. Your father will be there waiting again to suck you back into the guilt cycle.

You well off sister has learnt the score. Learn from her.

@LouOver

You said it all in one sentence - your first one !

Who the hell needs £4K suddenly? You haven’t got it, it’s not worth risking a house over it, your dh would be quite right to end the relationship over it too, if a woman came on here with this story and had actually lent money there would a LTB chorus with a encore and a matinee on Wednesdays.

He asks you because he thinks he can manipulate you into it. Never tell him how much money you have.

Tell him you have arranged exchange and transferred the deposit so you no longer have access to it.
You deserve your new home OP - you have worked hard for it.

If your dad chooses to borrow money off random people and spend it then that is up to him. It may not even be true. It is no coincidence that he finds out that you have a few thousand and now he needs a few thousand.

Well OP, what happened? Did you lend him the money? More importantly did you get the house you worked so hard for?

Give him nothing.
Block him.

If you give him money I hope your partner has a re think about the relationship as that is how wrong you are to hand that money over.

Please don't

I have done this sort of thing and lent all my adult life and on only one occasion was it repaid. It hasn't changed my life but we could probably have a better home now and I would not have worked so hard for so long. Good luck.

Your choice is to give your dad the money or get the house you’ve worked so hard for. There is no way to do both - he won’t give it back in time.

if I was your DH and you risked our security like this I’d probably leave you.

your dad is a grown up, his actions are his responsibility. He doesn’t sound like he deserves the title anyway.

Nope didn't give him they money and he's never asked for a penny since.

Not in the house yet but moved out of dads 😁

@Downandout21 Good for you !
does your update mean you are still in the short term rental ?
what happened to the new build ?

Well done for not giving him the money OP, if he was truly in trouble, he would have asked your sister even though he didn't want to. Sad though it is, he's a user, and that's why I'm so pleased you didn't give in and put your life and your DP's life at risk. How on earth much longer are they expecting you to wait to move into this new build? What's the hold up?