To not lend father the money

[Downandout21]

I've posted a few times about DF but for background, he has never been good with money. Growing up he would spend on cards and mum would bail him out.

He was an abusive man, both physically and mentally to mum, but he is still my dad.

DH and I are trying to buy our first home, it's been a disaster and we have been trying for 2 years but for one reason or another they have fallen through.

Eventually we have found a new build, however there has been delays of around 6 months so far. Being FTB we literally have saved enough for deposit, legal fees and about £2000 just in case.

Whilst the delay was happening DF kindly let us move in with him, we paid rent, bought the food shopping and did all housework including making dads packed lunch for work. Eventually we ended up getting on each others last nerve and as the new build has been delayed even longer so we decided to move Into a short term rental. Because of this we are now down the £2000 just incase money as this was spent on deposite and first months rent.

Went to see DF today and the first thing he said was 'I'm glad your hear, do you remember that money you said you would lend me I really need it'. I said to him that I don't have any space money and he replied saying you said when you move to the new build you could lend me money, I explained I haven't moved to the new build and due to going into the rental have no extra cash. He told me that he was screwed, he has spent money he owes someone else because I said I would lend him some money. I asked him how much he needed and he said £4000 and would pay me back over 3 months. I just can't take the chance if I lent it him, I would no longer have enough for my house deposit which I worked 7 days a week to scrimp together. I told him to ask my sister as she is quite well off, and he said I'm not asking her she will just say no and that he is now f**ked. He then said after all I've done letting you live with me and you can't even lend me money when you just have it sitting in the bank.

I left shortly after and now feel sick with guilt and anxiety. He looked so worried when I left I worry he may do something stupid.

Should I just give him the money and hope the house isn't due completion in the next few months? We won't be penalised if we have to pull out as we are way past our long stop date.

OP, are you on good terms with your sister, as if so, then please tell her what's going on, and ask for her advice on how she manages to say no to your father. If needs be, ask her to speak to him and tell him what an abusive shit he's being, expecting his daughter to put her chance of happiness on hold, just so that he doesn't have to face up to his appalling spending habits. Ask your partner to speak to him and tell him it's not going to happen, and if all else fails, block him on your phone, and make sure you don't see him until you've paid the money over for your house. You have got to STOP bailing him out NOW!

I know how hard this is, as I have a son who has always been useless with his money, he recently asked me to act as guarantor for him, as he has so much bad credit, that he can't rent a place without having a guarantor, and said that if I wouldn't, he'd end up on the street. He knows what a soft touch I am, as I have stupidly bailed him out so many times before, and I admit that was on the verge of giving in, until when telling a close friend about it one day, she said to me, 'would he do it for you?' It really brought me up sharply, and made me realise that he wouldn't lift a finger to help me if the situation was reversed, as he only bothers with me when he wants money. So, hard as it was, and it broke my heart to do it, I said that I wouldn't put myself at risk of having to pay his rent if he lost his job yet again, (he has a dreadful record of this) he'd got himself into the mess he was in, and he would have to get himself out of it'. He used every tactic he could think of to lay a guilt trip on me, but when he finally realised I meant it, he had to resort to asking his girlfriend's parents to be guarantor. Now, his girlfriend's dad is a real hard man, so if he doesn't pay the rent, and it falls to her father, he's going to be in deep shit, but it's his responsibility, I've done all I can, and enough is enough!

So, do what you've got to do OP. Think about it, the word NO, is one of the shortest in the dictionary, so simple to say, and yet so many of us struggle to say it, but now is the time for YOU to gather all your courage, and tell your father that you will NOT lend him ANY MORE MONEY, and if he wants to argue about it, tell him that if anyone should be lending money at this stage, it should be him lending you some, to help you get on the housing ladder, not being a leech, and prioritising himself, selfish git!

You already know the answer op, you are just stressing with fear and guilt about making the correct decision.

Buy the house

love doesn’t come with a price but if HE loves YOU he should say buy the house.

Don't give your hard earned cash to your dad. He is actually gaslightimg you into believing that you promised to lend the money when you didn't. He's no friend of yours, he's happy for you to lose the chance of owning your own house.

Lock the money into premium bonds or a 30 or 60-day notice day account, so it's hard for you to access the money easily. This prevents you from handing over the money easily to your dad. Or just open an account in your husband's name and put the money in there.

You will end up driving your DH away because of this man who abused you and do you know what? When you are on your own and upset at the failure of the relationship your father won't give a damn.

Don't do it. You want to because he has manipulated you, and you learned well from your mother.

' He was an abusive man, both physically and mentally to mum, but he is still my dad. '

still my Dad - umm actually he is your father, he impregnated your mother with his sperm...

what kind of dad was he to you whilst he was abusing your late Mum ?

are you going to allow him to abuse you financially ? and enable future financial abuse to you if you do give him £4000...

Give him a list if banks he can try.

I know I shouldn't but I can't live with the guilt if anything happened to him or he harmed himself

Hes an adult. He won’t suddenly be good with money. If he owes someone he can pay them over 3 months.

It’s not your problem - you don’t have any spare money to lend.

Just say no.

Sounds like he could live with the guilt if your house deposit money was used and not given back in time leaving you and DH having to pull out of a house sale. What does DH think? Presumably it’s his money too? I wouldn’t lend any, I’d say I have no spare end of

Assuming you have exchanged contracts on your new build... you do realise you will be penalised if you are unable to complete the transaction when the property is ready?

If you are 100% sure you will have the money when you complete then go ahead but it doesn't sound like that security is there.

With all due respect you haven't mentioned anything about your partner. Isn't this his money as well, and your joint plans/dreams? He would be furious if you messed all that up without consulting him. This is absolutely a "two yes" situation, and you should be talking to him rather than online strangers.

Your dad should also be included in asking him, as he'd be costing him a house. Did you tell your dad you'd lend him money or was he making that up?

I wouldn't lend him the money in your situation, but you could talk to your sister about your concerns.

He told me that he was screwed, he has spent money he owes someone else because I said I would lend him some money.
He didn't have to spend this money, he chose to do so expecting he could guilt trip you into giving him the money. You have to be a very entitled, selfish, shitty parent to do this to your child. He didn't have an emergency, his car didn't break down, he didn't suddenly get ill or lose his job, he did this knowingly and on purpose TO YOU while you're in the middle of buying a house because he wanted to spend that money and doesn't care if it messes up your house purchase.

He can pay the person back over 3 months, or go to a pawnbroker, or one of those companies that lend you advances based on your pay or get a credit card or personal loan. He doesn't get to spend money he doesn't have and then expect you to bail him out. Don't screw up you and your DH future for him. You can love someone and still see their faults and set appropriate boundaries. Bailing him out doesn't actually help him or you, he'll be back here again expecting a bailout and you'll be back here feeling guilty and once again losing your deposit because he sees the fact you have money saved as an easy get of jail for him having spent outside his means again.

It depends who he may owe money too 🤷‍♀️….from my past turbulent life some people you owe money to you won’t survive not paying back. So if it was a life or death situation like that I’d pay the debt.

He was an abusive man, both physically and mentally to mum, but he is still my dad.

This is a really warped way of thinking. When does it end? If he murdered someone would you say ‘but he’s still my dad!’

He’s still being emotionally abusive to you. Open your eyes. He’s manipulating you and trying to guilt you into giving him your precious, hard earned money, which is for your future, not his gambling debts. Nothing bad that comes out of this situation is your fault. He created this mess and he can’t expect you to get him out of it.

It doesn’t sound like he’s a positive part of your life. You don’t HAVE to have relationships with your family you know. I cut my father off years ago and I’ve never regretted it.

How is he going to pay you back that amount of money over the period of time you said? He can't and won't.

Do not lose your home because of him.

Could you just get your DH to tell him no. I'm sure he would love to tell him where to go.

How many times?

Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.

I think I understand how you feel… there are some people who seem to need to ask for what you have not got for you to prove your love.. my dad was a bit like that, and terrible with money, although not abusive. Whatever you could give him (and it would be giving) it would not be the end of it. And the fact is that you do not have it to give. You’d maybe love to help him for your own peace of mind but you can’t. What does it tell you that the amount he asked you for was TWICE as much as you had ever set aside for safety?

Don’t do it.

Great post. Sounds like he spent the money on something frivolous or gambling, he has a job so presumably can cover his basic expenses. Giving a gambler cash is just setting your hard earned money on fire. He wants to complete that broken feedback loop of being due for the next big score and correcting the loss.

He's a bully. He's very manipulative. Emotionally abusive still. I can see why you are feeling guilty and obliged. I have experience of emotional abuse. You are being made to feel like shit by this man, and he says you owe him, either money, or whatever. Been there myself. Also have had someone in the family get into financial bother. My exH took out loans to help out, because the relative's credit score was rubbish. It held us back in many ways. FFS, don't lend the money. Build your future instead. You paid rent ffs. You're damaged because of the childhood you endured. You owe your father fuck all. Stay strong, get support from your sister. I wish you well with your new house.

He won't.

These guys never do. They can always manipulate someone else.

No don't lend him any money.

He sounds like he is just irresponsible with money and manipulative in trying to guilt trip you.

You have worked so hard to make your life better. A decent father would say "Well done!! I am so proud of you!"

He said "I owed someone some money but I spent it because I know you have money that you can give me"

See the difference?

Would you have kids with a man like your father? Would you want your friend to marry a man like your father? Would you recommend him to any woman who asked if she should be in a relationship with him? Would you, for want of a better phrase, give him a reference?

No? Then there is your answer.

If this man told you that the sky is blue, you would look up to check. That is not a man to a) give the time of day to or b) fork over the money you have saved for your future home to.

You know that deep down. I suspect that you posted her to get the FOG part of your brain to fuck off and allow the sensible part of your brain to do the right thing.

You should ask
'Dad, what do you mean you 'let us live with you' - we paid you rent. Money you wouldn't have had otherwise' So what happened to the money we paid in rent, the money we spent on food shopping? What did you spend that on? That's why you haven't the money.
Aside from which I don't understand why you think we agreed to lend you any money, you knew we need to spend every penny on the new build house. We simply have not got the money to lend you. '

Do not give him the money! Your guilt is unreasonable and inappropriate and comes from growing up in an abusive household. Please get counseling to work through issues from the abuse ASAP.