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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not lend father the money

120 replies

Downandout21 · 23/03/2024 19:02

I've posted a few times about DF but for background, he has never been good with money. Growing up he would spend on cards and mum would bail him out.

He was an abusive man, both physically and mentally to mum, but he is still my dad.

DH and I are trying to buy our first home, it's been a disaster and we have been trying for 2 years but for one reason or another they have fallen through.

Eventually we have found a new build, however there has been delays of around 6 months so far. Being FTB we literally have saved enough for deposit, legal fees and about £2000 just in case.

Whilst the delay was happening DF kindly let us move in with him, we paid rent, bought the food shopping and did all housework including making dads packed lunch for work. Eventually we ended up getting on each others last nerve and as the new build has been delayed even longer so we decided to move Into a short term rental. Because of this we are now down the £2000 just incase money as this was spent on deposite and first months rent.

Went to see DF today and the first thing he said was 'I'm glad your hear, do you remember that money you said you would lend me I really need it'. I said to him that I don't have any space money and he replied saying you said when you move to the new build you could lend me money, I explained I haven't moved to the new build and due to going into the rental have no extra cash. He told me that he was screwed, he has spent money he owes someone else because I said I would lend him some money. I asked him how much he needed and he said £4000 and would pay me back over 3 months. I just can't take the chance if I lent it him, I would no longer have enough for my house deposit which I worked 7 days a week to scrimp together. I told him to ask my sister as she is quite well off, and he said I'm not asking her she will just say no and that he is now f**ked. He then said after all I've done letting you live with me and you can't even lend me money when you just have it sitting in the bank.

I left shortly after and now feel sick with guilt and anxiety. He looked so worried when I left I worry he may do something stupid.

Should I just give him the money and hope the house isn't due completion in the next few months? We won't be penalised if we have to pull out as we are way past our long stop date.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 23/03/2024 20:10

what does your husband think ? after all it is HIM that you are buying your new home with NOT YOUR FATHER

Bonbon21 · 23/03/2024 20:13

He has fucked up his life.. his problem.. dont let him fuck up yours!

Dontbeme · 23/03/2024 20:17

OP this man was abusive when you were growing up, he's still being abusive. Distance yourself from him and get support to deal with the trauma of growing up in a domestic violence home. This man knows exactly how to push your buttons as he installed them when you were growing up. I hope you're enjoying your new home soon.

Original poster
Downandout21 · 23/03/2024 20:18

DH is less then impressed but trying to be supportive.

DF caused me a lot of mental health issues growing up which took me a long time to work on, living with him bought them all back and moving away again has helped, until now when all the guilt and anxiety has returned.

I am a bit of a walkover as I'm very empathetic and people's problems burdon me probably more then they should. I just keep picturing his face over and over again and it's making me feel really anxious and stressed.

OP posts:
usererror99 · 23/03/2024 20:21

He was an abusive man, both physically and mentally to mum, but he is still my dad.

Did you not feel any loyalty at all to your mother at anytime? Or were you prepared to put aside what he did in exchange for you living with him?

If I was your mother have to say I'd feel pretty betrayed by you cosying up together

And no I wouldn't lend him the money

Barrenfieldoffucks · 23/03/2024 20:22

WrylyAmused · 23/03/2024 19:11

You are not unreasonable.
You should definitely not give/lend him the money.

He's been bad with money all his life. He knows you're trying to buy a house and doesn't scruple to ask it of you despite knowing you're in a somewhat precarious situation currently.

He chose to spend money that he did have, and that he knew he owed to someone else on the chance that you would be able to help him, or, more accurately, on the chance that he would be able to guilt you into giving it to him.

He won't ask your sister, despite her having money, because she also has boundaries and has seen right through his bullshit.
Take her example, stay strong, don't let him manipulate you and make you feel guilty for his failings.

All of this.

Shelby2010 · 23/03/2024 20:23

Don’t give him the money.

You & your DH have worked hard & saved hard for that money. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you to give it to DF to gamble away. You will never get it back & your house will fall through.

Candleabra · 23/03/2024 20:24

He was an abusive man, both physically and mentally to mum.
DF caused me a lot of mental health issues growing up
He has never been good with money. Growing up he would spend on cards and mum would bail him out.

Read again out loud what you’ve written. Now do you think you should lend him the money? Don’t screw up your chance to escape and get financial freedom in your new house. Stay strong.

Original poster
Downandout21 · 23/03/2024 20:24

usererror99 · 23/03/2024 20:21

He was an abusive man, both physically and mentally to mum, but he is still my dad.

Did you not feel any loyalty at all to your mother at anytime? Or were you prepared to put aside what he did in exchange for you living with him?

If I was your mother have to say I'd feel pretty betrayed by you cosying up together

And no I wouldn't lend him the money

Of course I loved my mother, she stayed with him until the day she passed away, I was still living with them at the time as was still young.

I don't condone any of his behaviour but he still My dad.

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 23/03/2024 20:25

Do not give up your future😶.

BobbyBiscuits · 23/03/2024 20:30

If you think he's liable harm himself, then he needs MH support. He needs a crisis line and some kind of debt advice. Go to gov.uk they have links to free debt advice.
Is he claiming all relevant benefits?
Tell him you haven't got it. Offer to help him find the support above or other external services.
It's not feasible to lend him anything any more.

Milkandnosugarplease · 23/03/2024 20:31

Stay strong lend no money. You will never see the money again and he will probably come back for more

Laalaland · 23/03/2024 20:37

How come you wouldn't have any guilt about enabling his poor financial choices?

You won't be doing him any favours by giving him money. He needs to deal with the consequences of whatever it is he has done with his money.

Stay strong. Don't give him the money. Don't listen to his emotional blackmail. You don't owe him anything.

woahboy · 23/03/2024 20:40

Downandout21 · 23/03/2024 19:22

I know I shouldn't but I can't live with the guilt if anything happened to him or he harmed himself.

You have a sister. She has money. This isn't her fault but it also isn't your fault. You carry no blame.

gamerchick · 23/03/2024 20:41

Downandout21 · 23/03/2024 19:22

I know I shouldn't but I can't live with the guilt if anything happened to him or he harmed himself.

He won't

He also doesn't care if you lose the house.

Just stop and breathe OP. Focus on the goal, people like your dad always finds someone to leech off.

caringcarer · 23/03/2024 20:42

BananaLlama123 · 23/03/2024 19:10

Do not give him the money. You won't see it again.

This. A good father would never put this huge guilt trip on to you. He needs to learn to manage his money better. Let him get a bank loan.

KTheGrey · 23/03/2024 20:45
  1. Did you say you would lend him this money?
  2. Is this not half your DH's money?
  3. Do you mind if your DH dumps you because you have taken his money or messed up the house purchase he is sharing with you?
  4. If your dad needed money why did he not make more of an effort to keep you in his place paying rent etc?
BMW6 · 23/03/2024 20:46

OP, yes he is still your Dad, but you must see that he does this emotional blackmail to you because he's caused you to respond to it!.

It's not empathy for him that makes you feel guilty for saying No - its his conditioning of you from childhood. He's manipulating you.

A good father would be doing all he can to help YOU, not wheedling you for £££££.

Sure, you lived in his house for a while - but you more than covered any costs you incurred and he got a free maid!

Please, take a leaf out of your sisters book. She's got him sussed. Time you did too.

ohdamnitjanet · 23/03/2024 20:48

NO! You won’t get it back and he’ll never stop asking and guilt tripping you. He's a wanker.

Cherrysoup · 23/03/2024 20:51

You’re not jeopardising your future but also that of your Dh. Why should be down £4K? Don’t do it, you’ll never see the money again and he doesn’t deserve your empathy.

Testina · 23/03/2024 20:53

“DH is less then impressed but trying to be supportive.”

What does this actually mean?
If after all this time trying to get a house, I lost it because you gave your abusive father money, I might very well end the marriage.

Don’t do it!

Ihadenough22 · 23/03/2024 20:58

Tell your father you have no access to money saved for your house at the moment and you can't give him that amount of money from your salary.

Your lender will look at your bank statements and if they see a large sum going out they will ask you questions. They could withdraw the mortgage off from you as well.

You need to tell him that your not willing to lose your 1st home to lend him this money that you know he won't pay back. I would also tell him that most parents try to help their children when they are trying to buy a home and he should be ashamed of himself begging you for money.

If you lend him money you won't get it back.

Original poster
Downandout21 · 23/03/2024 20:58

Testina · 23/03/2024 20:53

“DH is less then impressed but trying to be supportive.”

What does this actually mean?
If after all this time trying to get a house, I lost it because you gave your abusive father money, I might very well end the marriage.

Don’t do it!

After living with my father he understands how guilty he can often make me feel, he gets why I feel like I do, but isn't happy that I'm being made to feel this way.

The deposite moneyamine, I sold my car and worked every weekend as overtime to get the money, DH has stated its my money to do as I please and he would never bad mouth my dad, but said he doesn't think it's a good idea as we probably won't see the money again

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 23/03/2024 21:02

Your father ruined your childhood without a second thought.
Don't let him ruin your opportunities now.

Londonrach1 · 23/03/2024 21:02

You need to do what works for you...get that house , any normal parent would understand...tbh I'd go nc with your so called dad. He sounds a nasty man. Good luck in your new home. Deep down you know what you need to do here

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