To not lend father the money

[Downandout21]

I've posted a few times about DF but for background, he has never been good with money. Growing up he would spend on cards and mum would bail him out.

He was an abusive man, both physically and mentally to mum, but he is still my dad.

DH and I are trying to buy our first home, it's been a disaster and we have been trying for 2 years but for one reason or another they have fallen through.

Eventually we have found a new build, however there has been delays of around 6 months so far. Being FTB we literally have saved enough for deposit, legal fees and about £2000 just in case.

Whilst the delay was happening DF kindly let us move in with him, we paid rent, bought the food shopping and did all housework including making dads packed lunch for work. Eventually we ended up getting on each others last nerve and as the new build has been delayed even longer so we decided to move Into a short term rental. Because of this we are now down the £2000 just incase money as this was spent on deposite and first months rent.

Went to see DF today and the first thing he said was 'I'm glad your hear, do you remember that money you said you would lend me I really need it'. I said to him that I don't have any space money and he replied saying you said when you move to the new build you could lend me money, I explained I haven't moved to the new build and due to going into the rental have no extra cash. He told me that he was screwed, he has spent money he owes someone else because I said I would lend him some money. I asked him how much he needed and he said £4000 and would pay me back over 3 months. I just can't take the chance if I lent it him, I would no longer have enough for my house deposit which I worked 7 days a week to scrimp together. I told him to ask my sister as she is quite well off, and he said I'm not asking her she will just say no and that he is now f**ked. He then said after all I've done letting you live with me and you can't even lend me money when you just have it sitting in the bank.

I left shortly after and now feel sick with guilt and anxiety. He looked so worried when I left I worry he may do something stupid.

Should I just give him the money and hope the house isn't due completion in the next few months? We won't be penalised if we have to pull out as we are way past our long stop date.

I voted YABU @Downandout21 , but only because you seem to be veering towards handing your hard earned deposit over. Please don't do this. If he was any kind of a decent father there's no way he would be asking this of you. Put your DH and yourself first. I'm sure there's a reason your sister won't give him the money he's demanding.

Good luck in your new home.

Your dad is emotionally blackmailing you.
If he cared about you at all, he never would’ve thrown your living with him back into your face.
My dad actually killed himself. He didn’t warn me in advance, or threaten anyone, he just got a gun and shot himself. That’s how it works - it doesn’t involve a lot of drama or chewing the scenery. People who kill themselves don’t warn people in advance because then we’d stop them - see?
Your dad’s trying to “guilty conscience” you into giving him that money.
Give your dad the money because you want to — NOT because you’d never forgive yourself if you didn’t and he did something drastic and dramatic and foolish if you didn’t.
It’s your money, that you saved, for your down payment for your new home.
Don’t you act foolishly too. And think about what’s fair to your husband.

I will never lend money again

If any money is coming out of your deposit it should be to pay for therapy for you to help you understand how dysfunctional your relationship with your dad is.

Yes he's your dad but being a dad means that he should be looking after you. That he should not burden you with his woes. That he takes responsibility for himself. That he prioritises your happiness and security. As far as I can see he's doing none of that.

He won't come to harm without the money. He's just saying that to manipulate you. He may not be aware or doing that consciously (or he might!). It's been his (very successful) way of operating for years. Now you mum is gone you are his next victim.

Please don't allow yourself to be. You are worth more than that.

Stand firm keep your eyes on the prize of your new home. A home that will give you and your partner security, sanctuary and a place to heal. You deserve that too.

One of the most difficult things from an abusive childhood is that it leaves you with an innate feeling of being responsible for other people’s feelings and situations. The person you feel most responsible for is the actual abuser, though you will likely find yourself repeating the pattern in other relationships if you don’t address the problem. even if your father never directly abused you, you still learned to temper your own behavior to keep him from abusing your mother.

you don’t want to loan your father the money because you love him. Rationally what he is asking is ridiculous and you know that. You are considering it because you have been conditioned to fear his reaction if he isn’t happy.

now, that doesn’t mean you don’t love your father, which is why it’s especially awful to come to the realization that you have been programmed to prioritize him over yourself and others.

@Downandout21

I don't condone any of his behaviour but he still My dad.

• He's a man who's willing to destroy your dream of owning your own home whilst you stay in higher priced, less secure rental accommodation
• Who didn't let you live rent free in the time you and your husband were with him - you paid rent and on top of that looked after the house, looked after him, didn't to making packed lunches for him
• He's a man who'll play on your soft boundaries to guilt trip you to get what he wants, even though your husband isn't happy about it
• He has no problems in getting others, your mother, your sensible sister who, obviously learned the lesson about how manipulative he is to great what he wants, whatever might be the cost to them.

He will still be your dad if you don't lend him the money but you should not allow blackmail from him to hold you, and your husband, back from getting on with your lives.

As another poster said, if he was truly planning on paying you back within three months (how? What concrete plan has he got to do this? Has he got a car he can sell - you sold yours to get your deposit for your first family home with your husband). why can't he come to this arrangement with the person he owes the money to?

Don't follow the pattern your poor mother got trapped in. You will never be free of his demands if you cave in now. What if you have children in the future- will you out his needs before theirs? You don't deserve this. 🌹

You are extremely empathetic as you grew up always putting your abusive narcissist father's needs first, time to put an end to it. The Empath Child-Narcissistic Parent Dynamic - True Empath

My DM tried to access £2k of my house deposit while I lived with them briefly after a relationship breakdown.

I had to say no despite wanting to help, as I knew:

• she would never pay me back
• I'd have no way of saving it up again as I was paying them £1k rent per month, plus shopping plus cleaner of £50 per week

She had the hump with me for months, and even now is a bit frosty, but that's her issue, not mine 🤷‍♀️

Don't give it to him.

Do not give it. You do not owe your father anything and you need this money for your future.

Don't discuss your finances with your dad anymore. If he asks how you are doing financially just give a vague 'never have much spare. ' comment.

If the deposit is what you have saved are you ring fencing it?

You don't have any spare money, it's already earmarked for the deposit.

You won't see a penny of that back.
You have a deposit on a house. Not "spare money sat in the bank". Don't do it.

Do not give him money
You owe him nothing
the very least he could do as a father is host you- he even managed to get on your nerves - sounds like a difficult man

head straight and look to the future!

Wow - they were really gouging you! I hope you weren't there too long! 🌹

DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY

He does not care that you could lose the house, your marriage, your future happiness and your dreams. He just wants your cash. This is not how a dad behaves!! He is guilt tripping you. This is the same as what he would have done to your mum.

You are not responsible for his actions. He won’t pay it back!

Your husband should be your priority. This could damage that future with him. Is that what you want? You need to think about priorities. You don’t have that money it’s spoken for. It’s so difficult getting on the ladder whilst renting don’t do it. Don’t let him get in your head like this. You have to be strong.

Oh right we can all do this then. Spend money because we think that someone else will repay it? He's a gambler. I promise you will never see the money again. And you will lose your soon to be home.

If he cared about you at all he would never have asked.

You have to look after your own future.

Please read @Lazypeopledrivemecrazy post, then read it again Op. It was an outsider who made her see the truth that her DS would take and take with no guilt and your DF is just the same, he's run up debts and expected the women in his life to pay for years. He owed money and still spent more because he knew you'd let him get away with it, if he could pay you back in three months why didn't he pay the original debt?
You sold your car and worked weekends, ask yourself, what sort of a Dad would see his DD do all that and see it as money he could take for himself? You should follow your Sister's example Op and tell him No and mean it

But you don't have any share money, it's for your house that could be ready at any time. So because of a vague 'if you're stuck I could maybe lend you ' your dad went off and spent double what you might have been able to give him? He's taking the right piss out of you and emotionally playing you. Tell him your husband said no if you have to but don't give him the money and jeopardise your house finalising

@DreamTheMoors I am so sorry to read this 🌹

Please don’t do this x u won’t get the money back and I bet once u have helped him this time he will know how to guilt u again and again. Sometimes you have to think of yourself, this is not spare cash it’s yr future xx

Your dad is a disgrace for asking you.

Look up FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

This is you towards your dad.

He’s emotionally blackmailing you because you’re a soft touch and he knows it. (I mean that in a constructive way, so you can see💐).

You need to detach to be able to see how detrimental he is to your mental wellbeing.

If you could talk to a professional (or someone who really understands what he is doing to you), it would really help you to see the wood from the trees and have proper boundaries in place.

Good luck with your new house, let it be a fresh start and well done, you should be very proud of yourself 😊

Your bad is just like mine. We were about a week away from final purchase date when he emailed and asked for £10k, and I quite "I realise that might leave you short for buying your house".

His real issue was not having realised we had a large savings pot coupled with his unshakeable belief that he is always entitled to everyone else's money simply because.

Tell your father you are not going to lose your house because he is shiy with money. The answer is no, stop asking.

You don't owe him anything. From what you have posted he is emotionally blackmailing you, ensuring you feel responsible for the consequences of his poor behaviour.

He's a grown man. You are an adult now. You can see him for what he is. You don't have to support him to your own detriment

Definitely don't do it. With family you really must only lend money that you could afford to lose if they never pay it back. You can't. It would be a terrible idea.

How dare he put pressure on you now and risk you losing your new home? Tell him to fuck off!

OP he won’t love you more if you give in. He will just despise you.
Threatening suicide to control people is VERY abusive. He is your dad, not your responsibility. Ask yourself why he doesn’t feel bad and somehow you do. Apologise to your husband for even considering putting him second to your useless father.

I’lI just say, if I was your partner and you gave him this money, I’d leave you. You’d be better off spending any spare money on some therapy. You’re relationship with your dad is not healthy.