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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fling from 27 years ago

83 replies

donkeyleg · 23/03/2024 06:55

Could be a long one.
Who's being unreasonable me or DP?

Been together 19 years and 3 children together. If that matters.

So when I was 17 I had a little fling with someone. (Slept together after a night out twice). A couple of months later I found out my dad had started a relationship with his mum. They are still together now, not married but living together. Quite awkward at first but was all soon forgot about, we were teenagers when it happened and nothing happened afterwards. We had no idea our parents knew each other never mind get in a relationship.
He's married with children I'm with dp.

So my dad has a big birthday coming up this weekend and we are all getting together for food and drinks for it.
My DP is now saying he's not going, he doesn't want to sit and have drinks with someone I've "done things with before" even though it was 27 years ago and he's met him a couple of times before.

Hes saying it's disgusting and he's embarrassed by me and I should be ashamed because I'm disgusting!
We've had an argument about how he's spoke to me and that what I did when I was 17 has nothing to do with him.

Aibu or him?

OP posts:

MassageForLife · 23/03/2024 06:57

Are you his 'one and only'?

If not, I would absolutely turn this around on him, and start calling him disgusting.

Yanbu.

Springtime79 · 23/03/2024 06:58

He sounds like a pathetic, jealous baby. HE is the only one who should feel embarrassed, OP. How dare he try and shame you for this? Go without him.

Btowngirl · 23/03/2024 07:00

He needs to grow up. I’m 33 and if a partner had that much of an issue with my past I would see it as a red flag, totally get your relationship is much more advanced than that though lol. His words are cutting though and I find that unacceptable!

Purpleavocado · 23/03/2024 07:00

Is he normally so childish? It's a very odd reaction.

Myopicglass · 23/03/2024 07:03

He’s an idiot.
I assume your partner had never touched female flesh before he met you?

He is building resentment and I would ask him what he is going to do to stop building resentment. You cannot change the past. He cannot beat you for something you did before you met. And you presumably told him about early in the relationship?

Resentment is one of Gottman’s 4 horsemen that destroy relationships. If that is a path he doesn’t want to walk down then he needs to explain why he feels this way and get help if he needs it.

Read the 7 principles of making marriage work by John Gottman. Look out for the horseman that’s clip clopping through your relationship - If your husband won’t discuss his issues you have a bigger problem.

Enjoy the party.

Sparklesocks · 23/03/2024 07:03

It’s quite pathetic. You had a life before him and don’t have to justify yourself to him. Don’t engage with his bullshit.

VestibuleVirgin · 23/03/2024 07:03

Bin the idiot now.
Before you get to the stage where you are back on here telling us he is bullying and gaslighting you, and what do you do next...
This behaviour will not improve

SweetFemaleAttitude · 23/03/2024 07:04

He is the disgusting one. I'd be embarrassed to be with someone like that. I'd be happy he didn't want to come along.

Go on your own and while you're there, have a think about re-evaluating your relationship, because I can guarantee, things are only going to get worse, but I'm sure you've noticed things that have already upset you over the years.

Hiddenvoice · 23/03/2024 07:07

He’s being ridiculous, it was such a long time ago and you’ve been married for quite a while. Why has he suddenly become so insecure?
I would point out to him that it stopped before you even knew your parents knew each other.
I would still go and if he decides not to go then I’d tell him he has to be the one to explain it all

GinForBreakfast · 23/03/2024 07:07

He's a childish idiot with a strong streak of misogyny. Has he been like this all the time you've been married to him?

Original poster

donkeyleg · 23/03/2024 07:09

No I'm not his "only one".
One of his friends is with a girl from his past and we've been out together for drinks before. I never had a problem with it.

I'm getting quite fed up of him bringing things up from my past and trying to shame me for it. Yes I may have done some things I regret when I was younger but I'm with him now and I've grown up and changed. We all have a past.

I really do think he's a gaslighter, I told him this last night in an argument. Like usual it all got turned around on me as per

OP posts:

ZipZapZoom · 23/03/2024 07:09

I'm amazed you've stayed with him so long if this is how he reacts to such minor situations. It's a very unattractive trait and he sounds like a thoroughly vile person to be honest.

JollyJellyfish · 23/03/2024 07:20

This isnt about your fling 27 years ago. This is a conveniant (in his mind) excuse to verbally abuse you and make you feel like shit.

I bet he also calls you names about other things too?

After 19 years of marriage he should love and respect you. He seems to think you're his verbal punching bag.

Orangeandnavy · 23/03/2024 07:20

Good grief. If only needs one question.
‘Why do you consider me disgusting for having a relationship before we met and why doesn’t it apply to you too?’

Either it does apply and he’s some kind of religious dogmatic and thinks everyone should be a virgin before they marry and finds himself disgusting . Or it only applies to women.

Just start calling him disgusting. ‘Morning disgusting, want a cuppa?’

juniorspesh · 23/03/2024 07:21

This is so far away from being acceptable. I’d end a relationship over this, 100%.

ZipZapZoom · 23/03/2024 07:25

juniorspesh · 23/03/2024 07:21

This is so far away from being acceptable. I’d end a relationship over this, 100%.

I would end it too. I suspect it's just the tip of a very shitty iceberg.

toomanyy · 23/03/2024 07:33

donkeyleg · 23/03/2024 07:09

No I'm not his "only one".
One of his friends is with a girl from his past and we've been out together for drinks before. I never had a problem with it.

I really do think he's a gaslighter, I told him this last night in an argument. Like usual it all got turned around on me as per

OP, please leave this cunt. He doesn’t deserve you. He’s a misogynistic, woman shaming hypocrite.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 23/03/2024 07:37

He called you disgusting? Unbelievable.

He's a nasty piece of shit and totally shameful.

Go to the party and don't go back 'home' to him.

Lurkingandlearning · 23/03/2024 07:43

This is bizarre. Does he think everyone who has sex is disgusting? He’s been in the other guy’s company before but is now outraged at the suggestion he does so again. It’s so bizarre it makes me suspicious.

Is it possible that there will be someone else at the party he doesn’t want to see with you there? Someone he is being, or wants to be disgusting with?

I don’t say that lightly because I don’t like to add to what is a crappy situation but, to me, that would make sense if his nonsense

Original poster

donkeyleg · 23/03/2024 07:46

Yes he's certainly one of "those" types. It's ok for men to have a past not women!!
In his words they are "dirty women". I've also been called that before by him in an argument.

I really am considering telling ending it. I've been thinking it for a long time. The name calling is awful

OP posts:

LlynTegid · 23/03/2024 07:50

I'm not surprised that you are thinking of ending the relationship.

Riverlee · 23/03/2024 07:50

Everyone has history, and this matters to him nearly twenty years later! Fair enough to be cautious one or two years after the fling, but not thus late on.

The language is hideous. Was he a pure white virgin when you married?

MassageForLife · 23/03/2024 08:00

So who are straight men supposed to have a past with, if women are not allowed to have a past?

He's an arse. No woman deserves to be treated like that.

Frostynight · 23/03/2024 08:01

From the other stuff you've mentioned, this is not actually about the fling. He is using this as an excuse to pick a fight and cause conflict.

Please do some reading around verbally abusive relationships. It is very easy to get sucked into individual arguments, but you need to take a step back and look at the pattern of his behaviour.

Berlinlover · 23/03/2024 08:39

Why did you ever tell him that you slept with this guy? Did he really need to know? I think your partner is being unreasonable but you didn’t need to tell him you and this guy had a past.

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