Fling from 27 years ago

[donkeyleg]

Could be a long one.
Who's being unreasonable me or DP?

Been together 19 years and 3 children together. If that matters.

So when I was 17 I had a little fling with someone. (Slept together after a night out twice). A couple of months later I found out my dad had started a relationship with his mum. They are still together now, not married but living together. Quite awkward at first but was all soon forgot about, we were teenagers when it happened and nothing happened afterwards. We had no idea our parents knew each other never mind get in a relationship.
He's married with children I'm with dp.

So my dad has a big birthday coming up this weekend and we are all getting together for food and drinks for it.
My DP is now saying he's not going, he doesn't want to sit and have drinks with someone I've "done things with before" even though it was 27 years ago and he's met him a couple of times before.

Hes saying it's disgusting and he's embarrassed by me and I should be ashamed because I'm disgusting!
We've had an argument about how he's spoke to me and that what I did when I was 17 has nothing to do with him.

Aibu or him?

I didn't tell him. His brother knows the other guy so when we first got together his brother told him.
I wouldn't tell him anything like that cos I know what he's like!

Nothing in the world would make me stay with a PRICK like that.

If I felt like I couldn't tell my DH something like that he wouldn't be my DH. You know it would be a bit embarrassing in a healthy relationship if you hadn't told your DH that the person he is stood chatting away to was someone you had sex with years ago and then he found out elsewhere.

Fucking hell OP, how the hell have you ever managed to feel any love for someone so mysoginistic?

I have no idea. I think in the beginning he kind of got me in a trap. Making me feel like I don't deserve someone like him. (Never done drugs, never slept around, did well for himself and never took the wrong path in life). I felt lucky to have someone like that, felt I'd never get or deserve anyone better. Due to me having a bit of a wild past. I kind of felt like I was besotted with him.
Now years later I'm finally starting to realise what type of person he really is. I'm not a bad person, I'm a good mum and partner who does everything for him and our kids. I can get better than him. Not all men treat women with a past like he does.

You have kids with this abusive man?

Kick him out for their sake.

Oh OP, this is such an awful situation. You got together with him when you were around 25 and have spent almost half your life being told you should feel grateful that he’s willing to be with someone like “you”. I.e. a woman who’s done perfectly normal things like have sex and enjoy life. He sounds like an abusive, controlling, misogynistic arsehole. I hope you can find the strength to leave him.

@donkeyleg

I really am considering telling ending it. I've been thinking it for a long time. The name calling is awful

I'm glad you've been considering the life you have with this hypocritical, abusive person and getting out of this relationship. If, as I hope you are serious, then ensure you should put your plans in place (AKA get your ducks in a row) so that you are in a good position when you are ready for the split.

You call him "partner/DP" so I guess not married so divorce is one hurdle you won't have to worry about. However, do look at what benefits you might be entitled to (www.entitled to.co.uk), look at any equity which might be due to you from your home, and/or speak to Womens Aid for further advice, including any legal advice you might need. Focus and do your research before talking to him about this so you're in a good position when you are ready. 🌹

What do you mean by "having a past"?

Everyone has a past. And for the vast majority of people that means having had flings or one night stands at various points in their lives.

Don't let him make you feel like you're unwantable or "damaged goods" because you dared to have fun before you met him

Seriously? He can't be in the same place as one of your not-very-serious exes? Two of DH's exes were at our wedding, one of them flirting outrageously with him on the day, bless her misguided heart.

He needs to learn that people have history. There is nothing disgusting in having had a relationship before marriage. He is very strange to think there is.

Short term - go to the party without him and have a much better time

Long term - LTB

I think this is relationship dependent. My partner and I haven’t gone through our pasts with a fine tooth comb, but if there’s someone still in our lives who we were once romantically involved with then we both know about it. Mainly because it’s no big deal and neither of us are jealous, but imagine finding out in years to come that so and so was an ex, would look a bit sus that no one had mentioned! In this circumstance however I can see that the OP may have felt unable to for fear of the name calling after etc. OP defo needs to leave him.

That’s shocking, no way I’d let a man treat me like that. I’d be out. How whole attitude to women is nauseating.

I am assuming you are not out. So just go to the drinks leave the utter tool behind.

Yes gaslighting for sure. When men talk like that they're truly telling you how they feel about themselves, not you. Don't put up with this for another minute. Its classic mental/emotional abuse to keep you feeling bad about yourself so you don't realize what a twat he is. In his mind he probably feels you are too good for him, so he has to roll you in the mud and kick you to keep you on his level. I'd tell him I was glad he was staying home. It will give you time to "catch up" with old friends that don't think you're disgusting 🤗

It doesn’t sound like there’s anything there that you should regret OP.

Your OH is a jealous, controlling dick!

He's a controlling manipulative mysogynistic bastard. I'm so sorry this is who you're with OP. Don't berate yourself please, these men can be very devious. I had one in my younger life. I hope you find the strength to leave.

So by his logic the only women that aren't "dirty" are those that had the good fortune are those that have sex with him as long as they have never had sex before him and never have sex again afterwards? Wow he must spectacular in the sack!

Exploration of your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed especially when it's in the early years of it. Sure we can all look back and go "I'm not sure I would do that now and cringe at the memory" but it's life to make less than ideal decisions with your sex life when figuring it out. As long as the world didn't end on the back of the encounter give yourself some compassion

I have very little respect for any men that judge women's sexual decisions when free and single. You have the same right to make clumsy decisions as any man or woman.

Whilst I think.it might be uncomfortable to socialise with someone who you or a partner has slept with before, for the sake of the celebration i would do it. As for disgusting he is an ass hole calling u that.

Mad. I’m still friends with loads of past flings.

I'm so confused did he think you were a virgin when you met?? Why were you disgusting for sleeping with someone before you got with him? Am I missing something or is he really that vile and pathetic.

Well flip, he’s a nasty piece of work.

My deeply religious husband knows I had boyfriends and did stuff before I converted and eventually met him and he’s never called me any kind of name over it.

99% of the population have past sexual partners. It’s the norm. His sanctimonious attitude is not.

He sounds pathetic. Have you never seen this other man in 20 years?

Funny story. My sister and my now dh's brother were in a relationship (for 2 years) which overlapped with ours for about a year. Their relationship ended but my sister and her husband and his brother all came to our wedding. No issue at all.

He is absolutely pathetic.

All your posts show this relationship is a farce. Just dump him and end the misery. You're not dependent on him for housing or anything, are you?