Help! I can’t stand MIL over excitement about our pregnancy

[MumDaisy1980]

I m already in month 9 and had already a few times felt like bottleneck as MIL just too excited about the grandkid. Pouring all the labour stories, asking every single details about our baby preparation, self invite herself to check our baby set up. She also has a tendency like to spread things around in family, as in feel like is her mission to make sure everyone is informed about everything. Like by now I know my sis in law her history of her preg (how’s her labour, during preg what she did) or my DH’s bro’s partner medical records. I have been keeping my discomfort to myself, didn’t share with DH.

now, I m close to my due date , would say 3 weeks away. And I felt irritated when got a message from MIL asking if the baby is out yet. I felt like can she just leave us alone. If it happened for sure we will share? We won’t hide it or anything. And I also got the feeling as in she want to be the first one to find out then can break the news, rather than us.

although yes she was being friendly or caring. But because the contrast between before and after preg just too much. As in before preg , hubby n I are quite independent from the fam. We meet the fam during bdays etc and occasional basis . Also won’t have much contact If not necessary. After preg, just message as freq as my midwife appointment as of she is part of the journey. There were times I didn’t reply her (she message on watsapp group with me and hubby). So maybe she sense I don’t want to be disturbed, then she would call hubby to find out all the details.

last night during dinner, I don’t want to be offensive but also really want to let my DH knows in advance. I did say when baby born I want to 100% follow my gut feeling. But I am afraid I can’t handle his fam excitement, like want to visit or ask everything about the baby - while I think the focus should be on bonding among DH , me and baby. My DH reaction was positive and said sure. He seems respected my thoughts but I arent sure if it will be the case when it actually happen. At least I communicated.

i wonder if anyone got similar experience?! Or advice to keep sane in situation like this - like the in laws obviously try to help and care and happy for us. But just felt too much.

thanks!!

Can you tell her that they have moved your due date and it is now later m? Say you had a scan etc etc everything is fine but they think dates are wrong? Something like 3% babies are born on their due date so this might just save your sanity if you go to nearly 42 weeks like me!

For everything else I would discuss with your partner what your boundaries are. Absolutely do not tell her when you are in labour. Tell her when the baby is born of course but say ‘please respect our wishes of keeping this news to yourself as we want to be the ones to tell other family and friends that our child has been born’. By telling her first she will feel special.
Tell her before baby is born when you would like to be receiving visitors and that you are limiting that to morning until 11am etc etc. This is obviously bound to change depending on what type of delivery and baby you have.

I had a similar experience with my mum but I actually called her earlier when my first was born as he was a tricky newborn had colic very unsettled. We prepared for the same with my second but he is the total opposite & just slept 😂 so when she came I caught up on sleep and recovered.

It is very frustrating when you are pregnant to have someone like this, especially with your w. But if she loves children, is good with them and wants to be around them, the support for childcare is invaluable so set the boundaries in a firm but fair way but don’t piss her off as having support is really needed!

wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy and a safe delivery.

I don't see a problem really. It sounds as if your baby will be really loved. You may welcome a hands-on grandma who wants to help and be involved.

When you have your lovely baby in your arms, you will understand that that love is lifelong. Your mum still loves you like that and your mil still loves your dh like that.

What harm can her excitement possibly do? If you don't want to communicate with her, let dh do that.

My mum was exactly like this, it's exhausting. Now baby is here and there's no let up- wants constant photos and even when sent, asks for more in reply, then sends them to everyone in her phone book. Her obsession with her grandchild is off the scale and I don't think especially healthy- especially when she wasn't so bothered about her own kids growing up 🙄

I honestly don't know what the answer is as my sister tried speaking to her, to be told "it's my grandchild" and seemingly thinks this gives her the god given right not to respect boundaries.

All I do now is send the odd photo, don't reply to her messages for a few hours and make excuses not to see her every time she asks.

To the pp, yes of course you want your children to be loved by their grand parents but how the op has described and what I'm going through with my mum is suffocating. They are making themselves the star of the show and it's unfair to be making announcements and telling other family members every detail when it's not necessary and often private medical info which she has no right to do.

@CaribbeanCupcake
She can only spread ‘private’ medical information if she is given it. In which case it’s not private.
As for sharing photos, part of the joy of being a grandparent, and how long does it take to forward photos already taken?

Oh another MIL bashing thread. And if she wasn't interested, how would that go? 🤔

It's annoying. Yes, she's excited (about baby) but you are still there and you also have needs. It's totally understandable you don't want to be hounded as you will also have your own anxieties, thoughts and feelings.

I'd remove myself from facebook or limit contact. Also tell your other half to contact her.

Yep! There’s at least one of these threads every day. The crime? Wanting to love her grandchild and be involved.

And what the hell is that vile pic attached for OP?

It's not a vile photo op. I felt like that too and it's a natural motherly response to having a baby. Your instinct is to protect.

I dont think you are being unreasonable, however I also dont think your MIL is being unreasonable by being excited. I think its really natural for new mothers to feel protective about their newborns and anxious about others impinging on their space-- look at any other mammels and how they behave after birth, its a time of feeding and bonding between mother and baby e.g with cats if the mother is disturbed or a stranger picks up the kittens after the birth she will often move the whole nest, or may sometimes reject the kittens. Not that it is exactly the same🤣
But I understand how you feel, my MIL was incredibly excited about my firstborn and went from contact every few months to every few days...it was a lot! Its a time of adjustment, and that includes MIL-- i think their place in the family can change when perhaps they werent expecting it. My MIL expected to have my son staying a lot, even though they live 5 hours away, referred to herself as mama several times, literally wept anytime she was leaving after a visit..she also repeatedly thanked us for having a grandchild for her, which at the time made me want to murder her🤣😅

They calm down and you will also feel more comfortable and confident as time goes on. Eventually it will all work out, I am now pregnant a second time and my MIL is much calmer and more respectful of boundaries. I think some women can see the birth of their grandchild as a "second chance" to do it all again, but she will some come to realise her role (which is also wonderful and valuable)

Sorry, Im rambling. To sum up I think its natural and normal to feel like this, pregnancy hormones can contribute a lot also--try not give it too much headspace, dont feel obliged to respond to texts immediately/give out personal information. Best of luck with the pregnancy, birth and your lovely new baby :) xx

What a sad post. Remember everything you’ve said about MIL when you’re wanting to use her for childcare (which you will).
There is nothing wrong with DH family being excited about the baby.
if it’s bothering you that much , let DH deal with the WhatsApps?
as for after birth, discuss with DH but you could say you want three days at home alone then you will let everyone come. Be clear

What is that picture? Why are you mocking your own motherly instincts?

You would have thought I'd given both my mum and mum in law a winning lottery ticket when I told them I was pregnant.
I didn't mind them being involved in everything, I appreciated their love and concern.
I didn't mind them wandering round the nursery or buying baby things either.
They're brilliant grandma's with a close bond with the kids.
My daughter in laws involved me with their pregnancies, I was at the birth of one of the grandkids, it was a wonderful experience.
I have fabulous daughter in laws.

Exactly. Poor woman is damned if she’s excited and damned if she isn’t. Mother in laws can’t do right for doing wrong on here.

Get a grip. It’s a difficult relationship at the best of times, and when one insists upon stamping on boundaries set by the other, it’s never going to work.

My MIL was exactly the same. I have genuinely never seen anyone so excited about anything in my life! It continued when the baby was born. My DD seemed to be the only thing she thought about.
I think I found it particularly hard because I had mild depression and struggled in those first few months of motherhood. Her excitement and joy was quite a contrast to my exhaustion and misery!
But she eventually calmed down and she's always been a wonderful grandma. I know it's hard but try not to push her away. She'll be a big support as your child grows up and you'll probably be grateful for that extra pair of hands.
The more people that love your child, the better.
Obviously if she's too much, you'll need to (gently) push back at times but remember your baby is her family too. Let her develop a relationship with her grandchild.

“I’m taking a break from my phone until after baby is here. I won’t be answering calls or texts, but one is us will be in touch when there’s news.”

Personally, my husband would send it on behalf of both of us, so neither one would be hassled for updates, but do whatever works best for you guys.

It really is okay to pull back and focus on each other and the transition from a family of two to three.

My friends constantly tell me how lucky I am that MIL will take my DC for a few days during hols etc. They've been involved from the start and now have a wonderful bond. I know she sounds exhausting but it is lovely to give your children strong family ties. Maybe just keep her updated on the big things but mute her texts so you can reply when suits.

Your MIL can only blab the info she's given, so stop telling her everything. Get off the Whatsapp chat and have an agreement with your husband about what info you'll share and when. When the baby is born, inform everyone at the same time.

Oh come on, there's being 'interested in her grandchild'...but the baby isn't even here yet. Of course it feels really uncoomfortable to go from having a respectful but fairly distant relationship with someone, to suddenly have them invite themselves round, ask about your medical info, and tell everyone things that you wouldn't otherwise be telling them. I think it's possible to be super excited at the same time as respecting boundaries. It's completely normal to wonder if a baby has arrived yet but constant texts asking about it is really obviously not going to help

100%. I understand the OP’s POV.

It’s up to your OH to manage that and put boundaries in place especially when the baby arrives. If you want some time with the baby alone in your bubble… do it!

The best thing you can do, OP, is give her only vague information. Don't share anything too personal. Don't tell her you have braxton hicks or the midwife has suggested a sweep. Just go for placid and calm. 'Nothing to see here today.'

She's excited and that's understandable but she can only pass on what you tell her, so cut off any supply of drama.

Agree with your dh how you will announce the birth. And when you first want visitors. Make sure he doesn't give her a key to your house. Don't feel pressured to answer texts immediately - you'll have your hands full with baby and having someone in your house irritating you isn't helpful.

Maybe agree a weekly visiting time for her - eg. Tuesday afternoons? - so she sees her grandchild and try to keep it to that. Then your dh can visit her for an hour at the weekends with baby, while you have a decent shower.

Hi OP
I could have written it myself 😂
It’s very normal to feel that way.
I think the issue here is family expectations changing when you get pregnant. If there was not much close relationship before, it may feel like a shock that all of a sudden MIL wants to be so involved.
It made me feel like means to an end ( baby incubator..) as clearly she was not that interested before…
Please ignore people telling you to “share the baby” etc. It’s not a bar of chocolate
Follow your gut - it is about you and your little family. Grandparents come into it much much later ( and the hormones do tend to quieten down with time..they make you feel very protective for a reason though!)
Hope it goes well for you :)

All I can see is someone who doesn't want to be a part of a family. It's normal to see your family on more than just birthdays, if you don't want to be part of the family you need to speak up and tell them you and DH want to go solo. Because what they are doing sounds fairly normal.

No, “the crime” is not respecting boundaries and making OP feel suffocated.
Quite a different thing to loving your grandchild..

That sounds reasonable. I also don’t think anyone is wrong in this scenario. There are some mismatched expectations about levels of involvement / excitement that need managing.