Help! I can’t stand MIL over excitement about our pregnancy

[MumDaisy1980]

I m already in month 9 and had already a few times felt like bottleneck as MIL just too excited about the grandkid. Pouring all the labour stories, asking every single details about our baby preparation, self invite herself to check our baby set up. She also has a tendency like to spread things around in family, as in feel like is her mission to make sure everyone is informed about everything. Like by now I know my sis in law her history of her preg (how’s her labour, during preg what she did) or my DH’s bro’s partner medical records. I have been keeping my discomfort to myself, didn’t share with DH.

now, I m close to my due date , would say 3 weeks away. And I felt irritated when got a message from MIL asking if the baby is out yet. I felt like can she just leave us alone. If it happened for sure we will share? We won’t hide it or anything. And I also got the feeling as in she want to be the first one to find out then can break the news, rather than us.

although yes she was being friendly or caring. But because the contrast between before and after preg just too much. As in before preg , hubby n I are quite independent from the fam. We meet the fam during bdays etc and occasional basis . Also won’t have much contact If not necessary. After preg, just message as freq as my midwife appointment as of she is part of the journey. There were times I didn’t reply her (she message on watsapp group with me and hubby). So maybe she sense I don’t want to be disturbed, then she would call hubby to find out all the details.

last night during dinner, I don’t want to be offensive but also really want to let my DH knows in advance. I did say when baby born I want to 100% follow my gut feeling. But I am afraid I can’t handle his fam excitement, like want to visit or ask everything about the baby - while I think the focus should be on bonding among DH , me and baby. My DH reaction was positive and said sure. He seems respected my thoughts but I arent sure if it will be the case when it actually happen. At least I communicated.

i wonder if anyone got similar experience?! Or advice to keep sane in situation like this - like the in laws obviously try to help and care and happy for us. But just felt too much.

thanks!!

@ChubbyMorticia obviously she can do what she wants, but the result may be grandparents who feel less connected to the child down the line, or ones who are less inclined to help mum and dad out in the future,if they are kept at arms length. Particularly if the mother's own parents are given unlimited access. That's not in the child's best interests. Imo good parents want to facilitate strong bonds with extended family (assuming no safeguarding type issues). This requires a little flexibility on all sides.

No one is saying gps have a right to be on the doorstep the second a new mum gets home from hospital etc - there's a responsibility of gps to behave with care and consideration too. A lot of gps stamp all over reasonable boundaries and utterly wreck the relationship themselves! Which is why I say both parties need to be a bit willing to bend.

I just don't think that a 2 week no in law visits, as often recommended on MN, is a good way to go. Assuming a normal birth.

Why? And I mean that sincerely. Is baby going to morph into a loaf of bread in two weeks?

Two weeks to allow Mom to heal, to allow the parents to get to know their baby, to attempt to get into some sort of rhythm… what’s wrong with that? Other than what someone else wants.

This is exactly what I’m referring to. If a woman can’t put her needs and wants first after giving birth, when the heck does she get to be a priority in her own life? Why does she have to worry about what anyone else wants? Baby gets zero benefit from visitors, and in fact, only potentially negatives. Exposure to more bacteria and viruses, over stimulation, disruption of routine. Baby doesn’t bond with anyone other than primary caregivers at this stage. Visitors are solely for the benefit of the parents and the visitors. And if the parents don’t want people around for two weeks, that needs to be respected.

Yup. The baby’s not going to go stale. I didn’t see anyone for three weeks.

I laughed at the picture. It's semi-tongue in cheek, laughing at your own feelings of possessiveness. I felt exactly like that, and MIL came around two days after the birth and weekly for about 9 weeks, so was hardly unwelcome.

The mardy responses grumping about childcare in future are pretty emotionally inept.

If you're not close to someone (by which I don't mean "see them a lot" but "voluntarily share intimate details about your emotions and physical health), then them being excited about something that's daunting and precious to you can be overbearing!

My MIL wanted to drive us to the hospital - she lived 45m away, hospital is 15m away! She ordered the pram to her house because she was just so excited to see it, and had to spend ages delivering the separate bits. She wanted to host a day of introducing the baby to her friends at hers when he was ten days old.

None of these were bad spirited things to offer or to want. They were just infuriating to have to navigate when I had enough emotions to deal with of my own.

Thanks everyone! I did mention will open a new thread but indeed there is a continuity.

MIL had visited two days ago and since then everyday she called DH asked how’s grandson and requested one photo a day. I have no clue if it’s joking or she did mean it. But I entirely kept quiet during the call and let DH deal with r.

i am doing 100% breastfeed and not expressing milk so hardly have any sleep or can do anything everyday. Can’t really deal with any other communications and can’t care that much.

btw next week SIL is visiting and MIL probably joining too.

This is just normal, in my experience. My in-laws asked for a photo a day and I loved choosing a cute photo to send each day. And of course they want to see the baby. If you don't want to deal with this then your DH can.
It's nice to have people who love your baby. It's fine to have boundaries but I wouldn't push away loving family members.

My lovely DIL had a very tough time delivering our last DGS. My DS sent us a video of DGS after he’d been born, whisked out of the delivery suite and, later, returned to his DPs, intact and breathing. He sent the same video to his in laws at the same time.

When mum and baby were discharged they requested a few days on their own, without visitors. Of course ourselves and her parents readily agreed, and sympathised with the terrible experience they had lived through but were relieved they had all came out the other end. Both sets of parents were concerned about DIl and DGS. I’m sure DS received many genuine, concerned sympathetic text messages during that awful time.

DIL and DGS pulled through (Thank God 🙏) and a year on they are not short of babysitters.

Every baby has two sets of GPs. Some are excited about their birth. Some couldn’t care less. Why ostracise those who care?

Some people are pissed off because their in laws are excited about the birth of their DGC. But are happy for their mother to be excited about the birth of their DGC. We reap what we sow.

I can’t wait for OPs post in a years time - “My MIL won’t have her DGC for me to get my nails done” 🙄

You sound like a miserable self centred pain . Begrudging a bloody photo !

What kind of person pisses on the excitement of a GP hoping their GC makes it safely into this world?

I’m guessing free childcare is out of the question once the novelty of a newborn has worn off then. And rightly so.

Congratulations OP!

Enough with the snarky comments! This woman is days post partum. She's allowed to not want to feel invaded by an overbearing MIL.

OMG! I’m so sorry! 😞 I didn’t realise OP was so much more special than the hundreds of million women who have given birth before her. She didn’t mention it.

Anyway, you do you OP. I’m sure you’ll be happy to face the consequences of your very selfish decision. Good Luck! 🍀

You mentioned a couple of times you will open up a new thread for MIL . I guess your mind is premeditating all the rotten things about her and you can’t wait to post.You are spiteful.

Sending a photo would take less of your precious time than coming on here to type up complaints about your mother in law.

I have to admit all the posts about well when you want free child care or keep this up no free childcare are hilarious 😂

pretty shitty grandparent to decide that you’d rather not spend some one on one with the then older grandchild because when they where a baby the new parents may or may not of been over the top a little or because you just didn’t get what you wanted.

That’s also saying they even want you to babysit, I can count on my hands how many times I’ve asked for a baby sitter at all in 15 years.

"Two weeks to allow Mom to heal, to allow the parents to get to know their baby, to attempt to get into some sort of rhythm… what’s wrong with that? Other than what someone else wants. "

A woman can do all that and still allow the grandparents to pop in for a little visit to meet their new grandchild.
Barring situations where a birth has gone horribly wrong and mum or baby are very unwell, it's really not that difficult to sit on your sofa for an hour or two and allow the gps to be all excited for a bit!

I know what it's like to have overbearing in-laws. In their excitement and happiness with their new grandchild, they were extremely full on, and I'm not defending that for a minute, although I understand why it happened, in retrospect. It did damage our relationship for a bit. I had to get dh to speak to them and get them to not just turn up and sit in my house all day, to phone and arrange a mutually good time to visit etc. And honestly, I did feel differently about my own parents.
But in the years that followed, all gps were equally loved and valued by my children. And for all the irritating niggles between me and my in-laws at times, they absolutely loved the bones of my kids and that is so important. I'm really glad that I didn't please myself entirely and freeze them out (which I'll be honest, I did want to do at times). I had 4 dc - I like to think we all improved with practice.

My in-laws are both dead now, and I'll never regret that mil especially (fil passed quite early in) had such a strong bond with my children and they with her.

Younger me wouldn't have really appreciated just how important that was for my children.

I don't think one photo a day is that unusual for a newborn. Just get your husband to do it.

But @ABirdsEyeView, having a good relationship with all of a baby’s grandparents isn’t in any way incompatible with not having visitors for a couple of weeks. I saw no one for three weeks, purely because I didn’t want to, and DS has grown up very close to all four grandparents.

Obviously your prerogative, but I do think that's a bit mean tbh, assuming you had an okay birth and neither you or baby were very unwell.

self invite herself to check our baby set up

Very odd way of viewing the very normal thing of a grandparent being interested in how you've decorated your nursery.

Why is it ‘mean’ to prioritise yourself and your wishes? Regardless of the birth or your health, settling in to first time motherhood isn’t always easy or straightforward., or at least I didn’t find it so. I wanted to find my feet a bit before seeing people. I don’t need to have the ‘excuse’ of ill health for that. A new grandchild is still a new grandchild at three weeks old.

These threads are really really heartbreaking.

3 weeks of prioritising your wishes is mean imo. You can still find your feet etc and allow excited grandparents who want to welcome the new addition to their family too, a short visit. There's room for both - it wouldn't have cost you much but would have meant a lot to them.

Well, we disagree. I’m very fond of my parents and my PILs, unlike many posters on here, and see a lot of them, (as does that baby, now 12), and it’s possible that part of the reason we have such a good relationship (especially given that my father and DH’s mother are both difficult characters) is because I don’t bend myself out of shape.

I know right? My MIL did irk me a bit, and because my son is an EBF boob monster he's only just been babysat at 5.5 months.

MIL was absolutely thrilled, and is gagging to do it again. The idea of "no free childcare for you" wouldn't enter her head, not for a second.

I find it pretty sad that some people see it as a quid pro quo - "behave exactly as we want you to when you're feeling at your most vulnerable or we won't show love to your baby" is what it boils down to.

As a mum of two boys who will only ever be the MIL to any grandkids, this thread makes me sad. It often feels like MILs can do nothing right. Be too excited, not be excited enough. Ask for photos, ask for photos too much, don't ask for photos enough. Offer childcare, not offer childcare. It feels like many MILs are hanging on the edges, walking on eggshells.

@MumDaisy1980 I've been there with my own MIL but with time I've come to relax and enjoy the bond that's growing between her and my kids. Just let her be involved and maybe stop trying to take offense at literally everything she says and does. Is this the first grandchild? Does she only have sons and won't get a chance to have that close bond that some mums have when their own daughter has a baby? It's likely she's been waiting to love another baby for years since her babies grew up (trust me, you'll get it when your baby grows up) and she'd likely be devastated to know you're already storing up imaginary slights. Share your joy, share some photos, appreciate the fact that you have someone else in your baby's life who loves them.