Help! I can’t stand MIL over excitement about our pregnancy

[MumDaisy1980]

I m already in month 9 and had already a few times felt like bottleneck as MIL just too excited about the grandkid. Pouring all the labour stories, asking every single details about our baby preparation, self invite herself to check our baby set up. She also has a tendency like to spread things around in family, as in feel like is her mission to make sure everyone is informed about everything. Like by now I know my sis in law her history of her preg (how’s her labour, during preg what she did) or my DH’s bro’s partner medical records. I have been keeping my discomfort to myself, didn’t share with DH.

now, I m close to my due date , would say 3 weeks away. And I felt irritated when got a message from MIL asking if the baby is out yet. I felt like can she just leave us alone. If it happened for sure we will share? We won’t hide it or anything. And I also got the feeling as in she want to be the first one to find out then can break the news, rather than us.

although yes she was being friendly or caring. But because the contrast between before and after preg just too much. As in before preg , hubby n I are quite independent from the fam. We meet the fam during bdays etc and occasional basis . Also won’t have much contact If not necessary. After preg, just message as freq as my midwife appointment as of she is part of the journey. There were times I didn’t reply her (she message on watsapp group with me and hubby). So maybe she sense I don’t want to be disturbed, then she would call hubby to find out all the details.

last night during dinner, I don’t want to be offensive but also really want to let my DH knows in advance. I did say when baby born I want to 100% follow my gut feeling. But I am afraid I can’t handle his fam excitement, like want to visit or ask everything about the baby - while I think the focus should be on bonding among DH , me and baby. My DH reaction was positive and said sure. He seems respected my thoughts but I arent sure if it will be the case when it actually happen. At least I communicated.

i wonder if anyone got similar experience?! Or advice to keep sane in situation like this - like the in laws obviously try to help and care and happy for us. But just felt too much.

thanks!!

I think this is about you needing to have firmer boundaries if you can. Don't respond to some messages. Get DH to say that too much interest from outside is getting you stressed out. You need to set some limits.

But having a child in a family means you are a carrier of precious cargo. Babies can make some PIL completely crazy and if you're not comfortable with the presumption and forced intimacy of that - then it's pretty grim. I loved it but also found it overbearing and overwhelming at times.

Having a baby massively changes your role and status in a family, it can feel very odd.

Congratulations op! It's a lovely time and so exciting for everyone.

I'd respond to your mil, send her a pic of the baby, let her know you're both doing well but obviously very busy and tired so apologies if you don't message frequently.
Then leave the messaging to dh without any further thought.

Congratulations OP!

I sympathise with the situation, family went mad when I was having my daughter too - I got daily texts and calls from the 1st of July to the 23rd when she was eventually born.

It's way too much.

I wouldn't even respond to any of the messages at this point but would ask DH to, especially in respects to his own family. My MIL got a phone call about an hour after birth.

Congratulations. I'd just message back that you are fine but don't have time for messaging at the moment so will be taking a break from social media to focus on your baby. Copy and paste to all of them and then don't open WhatsApp etc and ignore the nonsense.

And the difference is my fam and friends won’t message my DH and congrats and/or ask how he is doing

That seems a bit mean-spirited of them.

It's normal to get lots of messages after birth, that isn't a mil thing, or even specific to you. It's nice that people are so interested and care.

Having said that, on don't need to respond immediately. It took me an hour because I'd just given birth and couldn't find my phone charger. People are aware. It's fine for you to enjoy baby and respond In a few hours.

Sorry but you sound very cold. Why are you so distant from "the fam"? Do you spend more time with your own family? Unless there is a massive backstory then I think you are being horrible. Your mil sounds excited and wants to be involved yet you ignore her messages and only deign to spend time with her on special occasions. Is your dh happy with only seeing his mum like this?

And what is wrong with mil messaging you directly? You can have a relationship with her independently of your dh you know

Indeed.
we have a Whatsapp group for DS,DDiL, DH and me. DiL will also often message me separately, as does DS. Baby is five weeks and we get some sort of contact every day, sometimes just a photo and a comment on sleep, other times a lovely long video call where was basically all gaze adoringly at His Highness for half an hour. All very normal behaviour amongst my friends too.

I never got to meet my MIL and my own mum showed zero interest.
It could be a lot worse.

PFB

Just engage to the extent you want to. So reply to a reasonable number of messages and ignore the rest. If she then contacts your DH he can deal with it. I have no idea what you mean about her 'wanting to be on the journey', what does that even mean? What 'journey'? If she asks to visit to see the nursery and other prep for the baby and you don't want her to, tell her no. Though I don't see what harm it does, but its your call. Similarly if she asks for a lot of detail about the ante natal appointments just tell her what you want her to know. Though again, what is there to tell other than all is well (assuming it is)? so I wouldn't have thought it would hurt her son to tell her that.

Don't rush to tell her. We told MIL once we were home with DC2 and 3 after her turning up at the hospital just after we were moved onto the postnatal ward without any warning or invite when we told her about DC1 being born.

We also made sure we were ready to do all the important phone calls at once as we knew she would try to tell others first. She was actually on the phone to Dps brother when we tried to call him straight after telling her about DC3, knowing we had just said we were going to call him and tell him 😒

emoji's are your friend here. When my dad died i responded to these type of messages with Heart emoji's. It means you have acknowledged the message and appreciate the check in. However it doesn't leave it open for a conversation. you can always come back in a few weeks and reopen the chat if you want to.

OP it’s hard for new parents to understand this but one day YOU will be older, the grandma-to-be for the baby your about to have and you will be the excited one, having raised your own child and watch them go into the world to make a family of their own.

Let’s see how well you cope when your child’s OH gets shitty because you have the nerve to take an interest.

Seems like our MIL have similar traits!

It can be really overwhelming this close to the birth. For me it was just friends checking in the whole time, asking if labour had started yet etc. I'm sure they were just trying to be supportive. But it's one of the biggest, scariest things you've ever done in your life and it's also so public and everyone feels like they have the right to information (to be fair, you'd be hurt if they weren't interested).

You just need to put your boundaries up. Stay off your phone and stop texting back. Take the space you need. Ask your DH to communicate with his parents on your behalf.

If you announce long-awaited and very happy news on a Whatsapp group, it's hardly surprising those group members then message you back. They'd look pretty miserable if they all ignored you. It's up to you when/if you reply to their well-wishes.

That is presuming a lot.

That presumes the child doesnt have disability to the extent they'll never be independence, that they're not same sex attracted, that they event want children, that OP will react in the exact same way. My MIL thankfully didn't pull this nonsense.

If I ever have the privilege of being a mother in law, I wouldn't be doing this. It's not nice to smother people especially at what is arguably the most vulnerable time of their lives.

i eventually will move to a new thread on MIL.

just an update to conclude this thread…

maybe because I didn’t reply at all, she started imagined we hard to coup with the situation and decided to give us some space. Left a message (out of the blue, but probably based on the silence on my side) .., ‘I know the experience must be traumatised , let me know if you need anything ‘

so a positive side is that seems she got the memo needing space.

Honestly I wouldn't do the thing which often gets recommended on here, which is to have two weeks totally visitor free. I think it's a really mean thing to do to excited grandparents - let them meet and cuddle the new baby. And remember that as much as you might feel closer to your own parents, both yours and your DH's parents are equal grandparents to the baby. It's okay to want support from your own folks more, but be careful not to exclude the in-laws.

But, that said, it's okay to request people phone and arrange a convenient time to visit and not just pop by. And you don't have to accept visitors every day.

So many grandparents go a bit batshit and totally wreck the relationships they have with their dc by being so full on.
My own in-laws used to turn up uninvited, stay all day and it drove me crackers - I am someone who very much needs personal space. It did cause some discomfort when I had to get dh to get them to back off a bit. Which could have been avoided if they'd just thought it through a bit and not viewed my newborn as giving them a right to do whatever they wanted.

But importantly, they adored my kids and my kids likewise adored them. And that's important. So try to be a bit tolerant of the mad excitement (which is better than them not caring at all) but don't feel you have to let them run totally amok with no boundaries.

Re personal information - she can't share what she doesn't know. When you are in labour, keep it to yourself and announce the birth when you feel ready. Make sure your partner knows your wishes. If you don't want anyone putting updates on fb, then clearly state this. If they don't respect it, then make clear they won't be told anything in future if they can't be trusted.

Really everyone needs to meet in the middle a bit.

Always kind but firm boundaries is the way.

No, the mother doesn’t have to meet anyone in the middle.

Polite but firm boundaries are key.

Of course she does - these people are her partner's parents and her baby's grandparents. I'm not saying she shouldn't have boundaries - I used to insist on agreed visits, no dropping in for hours, uninvited, not giving the kids constant sweets etc, but I strongly believe she does need to have a bit of tolerance for their excitement and to foster the relationship her in-laws have with her child. The baby's part of a wider family unit.

Uh, no, she really doesn’t.

If a woman can’t put herself first when she’s freshly postpartum, exactly when is she allowed to? Why do what the grandparents want matter more than she does?