Help! I can’t stand MIL over excitement about our pregnancy

[MumDaisy1980]

I m already in month 9 and had already a few times felt like bottleneck as MIL just too excited about the grandkid. Pouring all the labour stories, asking every single details about our baby preparation, self invite herself to check our baby set up. She also has a tendency like to spread things around in family, as in feel like is her mission to make sure everyone is informed about everything. Like by now I know my sis in law her history of her preg (how’s her labour, during preg what she did) or my DH’s bro’s partner medical records. I have been keeping my discomfort to myself, didn’t share with DH.

now, I m close to my due date , would say 3 weeks away. And I felt irritated when got a message from MIL asking if the baby is out yet. I felt like can she just leave us alone. If it happened for sure we will share? We won’t hide it or anything. And I also got the feeling as in she want to be the first one to find out then can break the news, rather than us.

although yes she was being friendly or caring. But because the contrast between before and after preg just too much. As in before preg , hubby n I are quite independent from the fam. We meet the fam during bdays etc and occasional basis . Also won’t have much contact If not necessary. After preg, just message as freq as my midwife appointment as of she is part of the journey. There were times I didn’t reply her (she message on watsapp group with me and hubby). So maybe she sense I don’t want to be disturbed, then she would call hubby to find out all the details.

last night during dinner, I don’t want to be offensive but also really want to let my DH knows in advance. I did say when baby born I want to 100% follow my gut feeling. But I am afraid I can’t handle his fam excitement, like want to visit or ask everything about the baby - while I think the focus should be on bonding among DH , me and baby. My DH reaction was positive and said sure. He seems respected my thoughts but I arent sure if it will be the case when it actually happen. At least I communicated.

i wonder if anyone got similar experience?! Or advice to keep sane in situation like this - like the in laws obviously try to help and care and happy for us. But just felt too much.

thanks!!

Every time she asks direct her here: www.haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com

I can sympathise. We adopted our DS and he came to live with us about two weeks before his birthday. He had been with the FC for a year or so and they held a birthday party for him shortly before he moved to us. We discussed it, we were happy with that. Our feelings were that he needed to settle with us after the upset that moving would cause, take it slowly, no major excitements etc.

But MIL was having none of that. She organised a family party for him, invited various random relatives. We only found out because one of the relatives phoned to congratulate us on the adoption and to ask about what they could get him as a birthday present. When DH told her NO, we have discussed this, there isn't going to be a birthday party this year, she started crying and saying we were being cruel to her. DH said its not about what any adult wants, it's about what is appropriate for a small, confused child, probably grieving for his lost life and friends. Next year, we can have a big party, but just not this year.

She was a bloody nightmare at a time when i would have appreciated some support from her as a mother.

Christmas was a few months later, and she bought him 50 presents. Some were small and inexpensive, but even so. He was so overwhelmed. After he had opened about 20, I said let's save some till later as I could see he was getting beyond himself. I took him outside into the garden to play for a bit and he had a bit of a cry and said he missed FC. I said shall we leave the rest of the presents and open them later and he said yes please. But I was in the dog house for "not letting" him open his presents.

I totally get that he was the first grandchild, and likely to be the only one, and I was extremely grateful, and still am, that both sides of the family accepted him immediately as part of the family. But in those early months it was all about meeting her needs as a grandparent with no attempt on her part to try to understand his needs as a small child adapting to a new home, new family, new routines, new nursery, new friends and dealing with the loss of the old familiar things.

You can't win.
I've know MiL's that could not care less and would not lift a finger to help as they disliked the DiL
OP, you need to be pleased that MiL is showing great interest

You will get the MiL's insight when you become a grandmother. Please put yourself in her shoes and maybe you will understand what I and others are trying to educate you about.

My step-DIL had these issues when she had her daughter. Her MIL was so intrusive it irrevocably damaged their relationship. She and DSS have now split up, and MIL's constant turning up unannounced, among other things, have meant that she has now gone NC with her.

MIL now only gets to see DGD on the weekends she is with her father, and not always then.

Start as you mean to go on, OP, and put boundaries in place.

I've been through this lately. Its a minefield and navigating it carefully is hard work. Some coping mechanisms I'm using: let dh deal with responses to texts, get in touch with MIL with pictures of baby when it suits you 'on our way out but wanted to share a picture...', entertain the overexcited for the first visit of baby but then you need rest and bonding time after that so be firm and say you'll be in touch with her when ready to arrange next visit and you won't be checking phone between then as its a special time. Also try handing her the baby generously when she's there but do not feel awkward about taking baby back for feed, sleep whatever. If she starts with unhelpful advice just counter with 'oh thanks, I'll think about it' and still do as you choose anyway. Don't allow yourself to be bullied or manipulated in those early days and you are well within your rights as babys mother to ask her to calm down if she can't control her overexcitement. All else fails just be busy until it suits you to spend more time with her. I'll get slated for this but I don't care. An overbearing, interfering and obsessive MIL is a nightmare to handle and I wish you well.

It’s not MIL bashing. There’s a middle way between complete disinterest and over the top intrusive and constantly hyped up excitement.

OP, your DH should tell her that her intensity and constant pushing for info is overwhelming.

Where does the myth that you can only bond with your baby if no other adult is allowed near it for the first 10 years ( or until you need a babysitter) come from ?

Yes this applies to MILs too, them thinking they have to be heavily involved from day 1...

😆 I was just thinking “I wonder how long before she’s begging someone to come round to hold baby for her to take a bath”

Just stop telling her everything. I used this technique with my mother years ago, just minimal info after a big accident, didn’t want her coming down to ‘help’. Pull back if you need to, put boundaries in place and get your Dh to reinforce. Gently remind her that you don’t need multiple calls/endless contact or visits. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, get your Dh to deal with her.

Only MILs or does that include her own Mother?

Completely empathise with you. It is really annoying when someone is being overbearing.
Best thing we did was have 2 weeks to ourselves when my daughter was born, really gave us time to bond and figure things out just us three.

I would encourage you to let your husband do all of the contact with your MIL. This became our new rule as otherwise its incessant - he texts and rings his mum with all things baby and I do the same. Keep it brief but polite with your MIL and she will get the picture to contact your husband about these things.

Own mother too if they also can't control themselves!

Sympathy OP. My MIL fortunately hasn't done this but my DM is similarly being a nightmare. Constantly texting with all sorts of questions, tellling me about all the baby stuff she's buying - for her own house! We don't have a very close relationship normally, I rarely see her as I live abroad. She doesn't seem tinterested in me or how I'm doing, she was never particularly interested in me as a child, so it's bizarre to me that she's now obsessive about an unborn grandchild.

She wouldn't take a hint so I just stopped responding to texts quickly and told her I've been sleeping/working etc (usually true.) I give very few details or say "oh we haven't decided /talked about that yet".

If she started passing on my medical information though I'd have to tell her bluntly to stop, even if it upset her. Or just make sure she never had it in the first place. If she's likely to announce the birth immediately against your wishes then I agree with telling her the date has been pushed back and keeping her in the dark as long as possible. And don't feel bad about it, she seems to think trampling all over your feelings is fine!

If it was normal, it would’ve been happening before the pregnancy. It wasn’t.

The sudden, overwhelming interest simply because @MumDaisy1980 is pregnant is uncomfortable. Understandably so.

Eh… I think that when you have a cordial but distant relationship, expecting to be parked up in someone’s uterus is wrong and a completely unreasonable expectation.

The relationship established before pregnancy is a reasonable expectation to continue. If you spent time together, visited regularly, enjoyed each other’s company, then expecting it to continue is cool. Rarely saw each other, civil and now want to be included in medical care information and be around constantly? Sends a message that they weren’t worth knowing before, but gimme the grandchild, incubator!

Wait until your baby is born before you say anything that could burn potentially high quality childcare bridges. The truth is once you have a child your life will NEVER return to how it was pre-kids. Expecting that is unrealistic. That includes the relationships you have with family.

See how you feel once the baby is born, see how much help and support you need, and then invite both sides of the family as much as you need. Your inlaws sound like the kind of people who might be ready and willing to jump in for childcare or to help at a moment’s notice and if you have PND or just feel overwhelmed people like that can literally safe your life.

There’s also the small matter that once your baby is no longer a newborn people are naturally less interested in them. So if you want grandparent childcare you will definitely need to catch build the relationship when they’re a cute and cuddly newborn as it’s just easier.

We meet the fam during bdays etc and occasional basis . Also won’t have much contact If not necessary.

This rather speaks volumes. You obviously don’t want much to do with your DH’s family, is that his choice? Was he close to them before he met you? Maybe there’re hoping the new baby will mean they can play a part in your lives if you’ve been distant?

TBH I find it very odd that you are upset that your MIL is excited over her son and his wife having their first baby. Her baby is having a baby, any normal mother would be delighted and excited. Nothing of what you have posted seems that extreme and she doesn’t sound controlling or nasty from what you’ve posted. Are his parents not allowed to pop over without an appointment or check in with you? Is she in your face everyday? You seem irritated by her very existence!

I seriously can’t get my head around this relatively new thing of keeping the birth of a baby secret, no one’s allowed to visit until weeks afterwards in case a I hour visit affects bonding. hold the baby etc. A birth is normally a time of celebration in a family. I think some women just like the feeling of power they can hold over their husband’s family, because it’s normally the in-laws they do it to.

Speaking as someone who families (mine and DH’s) really didn’t and still don’t give a crap about our children, I’d have welcomed any interest, excitement and support they offered.

If she is like this before the baby is born, what would she be like after???

You most definitely need to have a word with your DH about what is acceptable from his mother and what would be unacceptable.

I would actually go so far as to say that the due date has changed (to a date about a fortnight after your actual due date). Then I would only contact her a day or two after you actually have the baby.

I would also get DH to tell her that regular phone calls/texts/whatever asking if the baby has arrived will result in her being the LAST person that gets informed so she'd better stop. The baby will come when the baby is ready to be born and not a moment sooner, irrespective of the number of text messages she sends asking about it.

I'm going to guess here but has she thrown her tuppence in about names yet? Because that will happen if it hasn't already.

I think remember that the way your children see you treating your dm and mil is the way your children are likely to treat you in the future.

I'm sensing this is an overstepping MiL who wants to be the messenger of all of the family news (i.e. the centre of attention) even when there is no need for it.
Not all MiL are like this but the OP's MiL is.

Give her a break.

Same story again and again though.

A dil and Mil who don’t really have a let’s text all the time and pop in for coffee relationship.

Yet the second the Dil is pregnant the Mil suddenly expects this to change.

If you want that relationship create it before your incubator (sorry Dil) becomes pregnant.

Get your husband to let her know to back off a bit and don’t share anymore than your comfortable with her sharing knowing what she’s like.

But the OP hasn't set any boundaries so how does MIL know she is breaking them. Is her own mother allowed to be excited. Also a MIL/DIL relationship doesn't need to difficult.

The message is that OP didn't want anything to do with then not them with her. The child is her DH's too. He seems to want tk be including his family and he should have a say too.

I always wonder with threads like this - what the outcome will be.

So so many people on here with childcare issues, cost of living worries of how to balance work and a sick child .. relationship issues because they 'never get any child free time together as we don't have any help' ... and I wonder . This whole 'keeping willing and excited, loving grandparents at arms length and being very stringent with boundaries.. at the fun new born stage doesn't cause resentment ?

I would say be careful what you wish for !

I would never change my experience of accepting all the help I was willingly offered.. coming home to MIL cooking and cuddling number 1 and bringing her in to my room to feed in peace was THE MOST sublime and restful way to start life with a new born.. my own mum and dad took over when DH went to work after two weeks.. but for my DH it was simply wonderful to have his mum there to 'show him the ropes' and definitely made him a much more competent father and created a bond with dc grandparent that continues to this day ..

It's fucking HARD having a new born for the first time .. you are both beginners. I would seriously look at reframing this in your head and look at the positives of an extra EXPERIENCED pair of hands.

The only caveat I will add is the ' lazy entitled grandparent.. I have only come across it with one friend - but if they are the type to sit on their arses and expect you to cook and entertain them and your partner in a pristine house then they need to be told to go away.. but in my experience it's rare .. most of my friends had mums /MIL /Df/FIl who were unerringly practical.. cooked , cleaned , burped, soothed , and generally made it fantastic... and ALL
reaped the rewards, not least the baby ..