Being called Mrs *-*

[LorlieS]

I'm married and a Ms My Last Name - His Last Name (hubby also double-barrelled when we married).
So why do so many people insist on addressing me as a Mrs?! AIBU to be annoyed by this?

99.9% of the general public presume all mums are straight, and all married people are straight. I’ve never had a teacher or anyone else correctly refer to my wife without being told.

Presumably people either have a piece of paper in front of them with the name on (say a doctor’s receptionist/teacher/someone you have emailed, hotel check in etc) and will use whatever title and name is written there- so hopefully you have supplied them with your preferred one.

or they don’t know who you are at all and you are giving the information for the first time, in which case give them your preferred name and title (there are many more than mrs/miss/ms)

only after that is it cause to be irritated if they get it wrong.

I think the actual change in tradition that is taking place is to refer to everyone by their Christian name rather than Title Surname, which hardly ever seems to happen anymore- after all, if you don’t want your title to display your marriage/job/social status then why use one at all? They don’t have any other function.

I have a ridiculous 11 syllable name, but no one refers to me in any setting as anything other than an equivalent of ‘Jo’.

It's odd when someone's level of logic is that poor.

Although actually, this particular topic does seem to attract that sort of sexist double standard like flies on shit, so maybe stupid would've been a better word.

The particular topic also appears to attract rudeness, aggression and insults. And a spectacular lack of tolerance of anyone else’s viewpoint.

Indeed, for example perpetrating a standard that means women never get their own names while men do is rude and insulting. And the people who engage in it all too frequently are intolerant of their poor behaviour and logic fail being pointed out by those of us who are on the receiving end of it.

When I taught parents and kids just seemed to call every female Mrs.

But what we're you before you married? If you'd been Miss, then making the leap to Mrs probably seems more natural tonthem than you suddenly being a MS.

However if you were Ms before the marriage AND you have told the person your preferred form kf address now, then they are bu

@Notlikeamother its a first or given name, not a Christian name.

They all mean the same thing.

Although Christian name is antiquated and doesn’t make sense since most people aren’t Christian… I’d just been reading a thread about the crosses on hot cross buns and had the word Christian in my head which is why I used it I think.

I have a neurological condition that affects my language use and means I forget words a lot- I’ll blame that!

I didn’t change my name. You’re arguing with the wrong person, dear.

I wonder if the news letters the school send out with the x is teaching assistant for year R, Y is teaching assistant for Y1 etc has her a) listed at all and B) has her listed as Ms.

Which name do you use? The one you were born with or a different one?

In some cultures names are not patriarchal but sadly here nearly all women have a name that was given to a man before them unless they have changed it by deed poll to something they chose themselves, or a female ancestor did and passed it down, but that’s fairly uncommon.

I have no issues at all being described as a feminist. (I certainly don't think feminism is about 'destroying gender differences', although some feminists might be about that) - but I chose to be 'Ms' before I understood what feminism really was, and I wouldn't have allied myself with it at that stage.

About gender differences. What I understand gender to mean is a set of socially-dictated stereotypes, conventions and mores attached to a commonly-shared set of perspectives about what it means to be masculine or feminine. That's a very different thing from male or female. 'Gender' is hard to define because in some ways it's nebulous . It's very definitely ephemeral, because these stereotypes are historically specific, geographically and culturally distinct, and shift in accordance with time and place.

Historically, the central job feminism has done is to challenge these stereotypes and insist they don't tie us biologically to our bodies. In any case, gender is an arbitrary distinction and often has nothing to do with our sexed bodies whatsoever.

The distinction between Ms, Miss and Mrs is one such meaningless convention. They are all truncations of the same word of 'mistress'. I'd be fine with Mrs as a default title for all adult women. As an indicator of sexual status (yes it is, as much as that repulsive term of 'maiden' name 🤮) I'll continue to reject it.

If women continue to insist upon these distinctions then their individual choices are of no consequence: they don't affect my life one iota. I shan't criticise their choice: by the same token I don't owe other women 'support' for their choices on the basis of shared XX chromosomes.

But as a PP upthread points out, it's rude as hell to insist to women that our brothers' names are theirs by right but ours 'belong' to our fathers.

No, they don't. They are ours.

I'm arguing with you because of what you wrote, babes.

@Notlikeamother I use the name I was born with. It was my father's and mother's before me, but I don't know what sex the first person to have it was.

You are not unreasonable to expect people to call you by your name, it's really simple.
I (f) constantly have to correct school - my children have their dad's last name - we are together but not married - I am Ms. I am referred to as Mrs partner's name despite friendly corrections. Whilst I understand how this happens I don't agree with the people who think I should just suck it up, my name is not defined by my relationship to a man.

'Babes' is so incredibly patronising, do you really need to resort to that?

@Notlikeamother What do you and your wife go by in the way of titles?
My husband's ex-wife is now remarried and they are Mrs and Mrs.

You don't think the person calling her "dear" was patronising?

@Notlikeamother To answer your question, a few years' back they sent out a out a "Meet your new teacher newsletter" with myself listed as Mrs!!! This was before I was even married!! 🙈

So is it OK if it's two women? Or is that a no no as well?

@Itloggedmeoutagain Their choice, gay or straight irrelevant.
Personally I would never be a Mrs, regardless of whom I married, but again that's my own choice.

And yet in one of your early posts you say that there shouldn't be a choice. We should all have the same title.
I fully support everyone's right to choose and i don't think we should all be Ms.i think we should refer to people by their chosen title whatever that may be. But if someone got mine wrong it wouldn't bother me enough to correct them as for one thing, it doesn't bother me personally, and for another, they're not spoken as much as they used to be. If i was ringing the bank or the hospital i would just say it's Joanne Bloggs here. Envelopes just go in the bin so they don't interest me

@Itloggedmeoutagain But there is always going to be a choice (unfortunately imo). Just never one I would make personally.

So because you wouldn't make that choice you think no one else should?
I fully support that it would be wrong to force anyone to be called Mrs. But I cannot support a lack of choice

Where is the campaign for men to have a choice?

I think it might have been easier if you had kept your own name.
I was Ms Myname and when I got married became Mrs Myname simply because Ms is a pain to pronounce. Also I was 35 and liked the French tradition of women of a certain age automatically being addressed as Madame.

I am in my 60s and I know no-one else my age who kept their name other than for professional reasons but I don't like rules.
However I answer to anything and don't mind, as does DH who throughout DC school years answered to Mr Myname.

This is what I struggle with.
Mr. gives no indication as to marital status. There should be an equivalent for women - or rather, there should have always been.

When I research records for my ancestors, my Scottish female ancestors are all listed by their unmarried names (aka "maiden names") so if I'm looking for the birth of John McSmith, I can see that his father was James McSmith and his mother was Sally McBloggs. Her retention of the name didn't make her any less married.

I respect people's right to do as they wish with their names but I reject the concept that it SHOULD be the case that women take their husband's surname, and that correspondence should be addressed as though she were an extension to him.