Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands new job has made my life harder in the short term

96 replies

newmumma2000 · 22/03/2024 15:07

Husband applied for his dream job when I was 4 months pregnant. He got offered the job day before I went into labour. Had three weeks off for paternity and then went back to work to old job for a week and then started new job. Since having has a baby and realising what it is like for me day to day, I feel like the new job has made my life harder and my husband has the best of all worlds.

Old job:

1-2 days WFH
flexible start between 7-8
left house at 6/630 for 7/730 start
7-330 mon to thurs
7 to 1pm friday
could take calls, flexi time, company were very relaxed if he needed to leave early for personal reasons and could make time up in the week of need be
job wasn't mentally stimulating and too much managerial pressure in his role

He was home by half 4 most days. He worked 2-3 Saturday mornings a month to boost wage.

New job:

Mon to Fri 830 to 530
Leaves at 645, commute is 50 mins
less spent on petrol
free lunch, bonus scheme
no WTF days
not home until 630/7
now has Saturday mornings free
better career prospects, but few steps down

Since starting the new job, I have found myself resenting him. I am happy for him for his career as if he said no, he most likely would not have been offered the job again but timing isn't great. I have also been diagnosed with PPD, we have no family near by except my mum 40 minutes away. He can't physically help until 7 in the evenings as by the time he has had a shower and a sh*t, then its 7/720 as he takes 40 minutes. He gets lunch too so doesn't think about a food shop etc as he is covered so I just do it for muself. Our 4 month old doesn't sleep, husband does help at night where he can but its hard. He knows how I feel. His new job means I can't go back to my job full time, the nursery we have chosen for our child can no longer go to as it only opens at 8 but I need a 730 start and he was going to do the drop offs and me pick ups as he had a flexible start time but I now have to do both so have had to change nursery. Financially, new job means I can work three days a week but I love my job and have worked hard to get where I am in my career. I feel like I have had to make a lot of scarfices. New job also took husband away for three weeks in total, once when baby was 8 weeks for two weeks and once at 16 weeks for a week.

AIBU - with my feelings about his new job?

I am struggling to find a way to see the positives as it has made my husbands life better as he has the best of everything, at my scarifice of time, career etc. PPD already makes me feel shit and I just have soooo much resentment for this job and I feel bad that I do as I know he believed he was making the right decision for us as a family. There have also been times where I have called him needing support and he would have been anle to come home in his old job but can't with his new job.

OP posts:
InterestedinEfteling · 22/03/2024 15:09

Was this not all discussed before he decided to change jobs? 🤔 and he just said tough shit I'm doing it? You definitely can still go back full time, it's not on you as mum to work around the child. He can do it too.

Moonshine5 · 22/03/2024 15:12

Would DH support you in getting your dream job?

Original poster
newmumma2000 · 22/03/2024 15:13

We did discuss but he only had 24 hours to respond and I was in the early stages of labour so I was preoccupied to really give it much thought. I was really happy for him as I knew how much it meant to him aswell so didn't really consider the day to day impact it would have. We also didn't know about the travel until he started.

OP posts:
CrappyBarbara · 22/03/2024 15:14

He should be helping you the moment he walks in the door. The shower needs to wait til baby is asleep. The shit can get done in 5 minutes if he leaves his phone outside.

TayIorShift · 22/03/2024 15:15

I think for a lot of it YABU. But I don't think he should have taken a job that means you can't go back full time to what you were doing. There must be a way around that somehow? Or a compromise between you. He has every right ti take his job and his working hours sound completely normal.

Original poster
newmumma2000 · 22/03/2024 15:17

I agree he has the right to take the job, and he has. Just the timing is rubbish when you have a new baby and you need your husband at home more than ever. We had such a nice set up before its just had to see the positives now.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 22/03/2024 15:20

Can you go and stay with your mum for a few days for a bit of respite? Things are just so hard when they are tiny and clearly you aren't getting much help.

Or can she come stay with you?

I'm a lone parent so I really get how hard this is, had to go back full time when DD14 was 4 months old it was just so so hard.

Your DH needs to step in when he gets home definitely.

Changingplace · 22/03/2024 15:21

He doesn’t need to have a shower as soon as he gets home, that can wait.

Can’t you look for a different nursery that’ll work for you going back full time if that’s what you’d prefer to do? You don’t need to be the only one making sacrifices while he just does whatever he likes.

Whatineed · 22/03/2024 15:23

So if he's free on every Saturday mornings now, he can either give you a lie in, get up and do some chores, or do the food shop while you doze with the little one surely? Or do the food shop on a Sunday for you?

It's inconvenient but sometimes life throws these changes at you, understandably it's hard to rationalise when you are knackered and sleep deprived, but sit him down and ask him what he can do around these changes.

Shetlands · 22/03/2024 15:23

It's tough right now - I remember being in a similar situation and resenting the 'freedom' DH had compared to mine. I couldn't change anything so I had to make my life bearable by having friends visit and visiting them - we'd have chaotic afternoons together where we'd swap horror stories about shit and nipples and laugh until we felt sick!

Could your Mum visit once a week or could you go to her?

Librarybooker · 22/03/2024 15:23

His hours sound quite normal. The nursery switch is a pita though. Amazing you could do that, where we live getting a nursery place organised after the birth would not be an option as places are scarce

FreeCheck · 22/03/2024 15:24

no WTF days

No WTF days is a huge positive in a job!
I have many WTF days in my job and it's not good.....

Birch101 · 22/03/2024 15:24

Personally I wouldn't stop going back to a career I loved

Is there no wiggle room. E.g. he doesn't need an hr lunch break so 0830-1700 with a 30min break rather than 1hr (assuming he is working a 40hr week currently)

He takes 40 minutes for a S&S???

Definitely look for alternative childcare to enable you one of you to drop and off and one to pick up, he doesn't just get to opt out of that.

If your mum were nearer would she help out with regular childcare as that may be another thing to consider, but if you need support in the interim invite her to stay for while especially whilst you are dealing with PPD (assuming she will benefit you)

Theothername · 22/03/2024 15:25

CrappyBarbara · 22/03/2024 15:14

He should be helping you the moment he walks in the door. The shower needs to wait til baby is asleep. The shit can get done in 5 minutes if he leaves his phone outside.

This 100%

spookehtooth · 22/03/2024 15:26

No job conditions are set in stone, you and him can discuss requests for him to make that will help.

No job is for life either, so he can always be on the lookout for other opportunities, especially if this company doesn't try to compromise and meet at least some of the requests.

Also between the two of you, the responsibilities you both have are negotiable. Think about what you can ask of him, that he can deliver on

TayIorShift · 22/03/2024 15:26

But if he was already in his dream job he wouldn't have given it up because a baby has arrived. You both would have worked it out.

TryingNotCrying24 · 22/03/2024 15:34

I think he needs to be figuring out what he can do to help more, e.g. on his hour lunch break he should be doing an online shop to arrive a couple of times a week, batch cook on his Sat mornings, see can he be flexible with start and end times, etc. Not just 'oh dear', that's the way it is. If you went back to your old job how did he plan to make it work?

Candleabra · 22/03/2024 15:34

I think YAB(a bit)U about the situation right now, though I understand why you feel generally resentful. His hours don’t seem excessive, just the previous job was ridiculously flexible - but at the expense of a low salary. So it’s not unreasonable of him to move to another with better prospects.

Where he is being very unreasonable is absolving himself of any future responsibilities for the baby during working hours. That isn’t fair and that’s what I would focus on long before you return to work. He must pull his weight with nursery drop offs and pick ups - and time off if the child is ill.

Rickrolypoly · 22/03/2024 15:34

For the most part I think YABU as you are just describing normal everyday life. Get on with it.
He doesn't need to shower etc. as soon as he is home, this can wait unless he is coming home filthy.
One thing that stands out is this though
" His new job means I can't go back to my job full time, the nursery we have chosen for our child can no longer go to as it only opens at 8 but I need a 730 start and he was going to do the drop offs and me pick ups as he had a flexible start time but I now have to do both so have had to change nursery"

You need to change your whole mind set around this. You are making childcare 100% your responsibility and it's not. You both have a child, you both work. Right now you are on ML and therefore you don't need paid child care however, once you go back to work you both need to find the solution. Too many women take this on themselves and this is just one of the reasons they get burnt out and stressed going back to work. Repeat after me... "we both have a child and we both work so we both need to figure out childcare!"

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/03/2024 15:58

In my house when one of our jobs impacts on the other person, we do more to make up for it when we can. For example if we are away when we would normally be doing pick up or drop off, and it's awkward for the other parent with meetings, we try and sort a friend to help. If we miss bedtimes we will do more bedtimes the rest of the week.

It seems to me, that your husband has created an issue, but he is leaving you to fix it

He should be sorting out an alternative nursery or drop off arrangement

He should be doing his share of family food shops

He should be picking up more childcare etc when he is back, if the bulk of it falls to you

And he should be tweaking his shower and shit routine so he looks after kids etc as soon as he comes in, unbelievable he gets back home and just disappears when you've already been doing loads extra because of him.

Basically - he needs to sort out the consequences of his decisions

NeedtostopusingMNsomuch · 22/03/2024 16:12

I’ve been there, partner working long hours, travelling, home with the baby, doing everything else. I think in my situation it hit hard as the pregnancy stage was so exciting, you have the new baby and feel like a team then after parental leave they sort of disappear and hand over to you as if it’s all now completely your problem and theirs possibly at weekends / in the evenings if they have time. The resentment hasn’t really gone away as I stayed being a SAHM and have x2 now and his career has soared. I made those choices and need to live with them but my advice to you is enjoy your time with the baby, set very clear expectations on how much help you need and then go and get your career back if you want to and make sure he understands you aren’t his full time housewife you are his partner and equal

WombTangClan · 22/03/2024 16:22

If you need some support too in the interim, outwith the husband issue, it could be worth seeing if you have a local home start?

Quartz2208 · 22/03/2024 16:26

I think you need a good long chat about it as well

first off he can help,when he gets home he does T need to have a shower and shit every day

just because he has lunch at work he can help with that as well

you need to go back to your job so figure it out between the two of you, why should you suffer for this

Spirallingdownwards · 22/03/2024 16:32

I think with the baby already being 4 months things will become a little easier now that you have gotten through the worst of the newborn phase where it exhausts you.

Have you spoken to your work about flexing your hours so they fit in with the nursery timings as that may be a possibility.

Sorry about the PPD. I do hope you are getting help with that and your Mum is only 40 minutes away so you could ask for help there. Mine was 3000 miles away.

Arrange a weekly online shop/delivery and that sorts out needing to go shopping. However when I had PPD I did find taking the baby in the car to go to do this routinely helped me (a) get out of the house and (b) make me get dressed etc.

You do need to have a chat about whether a shower is necessary immediately unless he a is builder or similar where it is. But if office based it can wait.

But generally what you describe is life after a baby for most couples. You are just thinking back to when he had a different job but he doesn't have that anymore so no point missing what you no longer have as harsh as that may sound.

Shopper727 · 22/03/2024 16:41

It’s rubbish it clashes with your job, but as pp has said ask you’d work about flexible starts etc to try and work both together. It’s tough being working parents, when my youngest was born I was due back to work and my partner was changed to 7 on 2 off shifts. I am a nurse. So basically had to beg to work his days off. So I did 2 long days, then he did 7 and so on, we were both very tired - had another 3 children too.

are you getting much support for your ppd? Ask for support/help if you can. This will make you feel much worse than without it, I used to catastrophise constantly and everything was a big drama. Thankfully I didn’t have it with ds3 and 4 just first 2. But it’s really horrible, my hv was great and I did a group they put on and hv was very involved and supportive. Try to take time for you, you have very long days with baby so dad needs to step up at the weekend to give you time for yourself if you want it. Even if that’s just a long lie, uninterrupted shower and a walk to get coffee for yourself. Take care and hope things improve for you.