Husbands new job has made my life harder in the short term

[newmumma2000]

Husband applied for his dream job when I was 4 months pregnant. He got offered the job day before I went into labour. Had three weeks off for paternity and then went back to work to old job for a week and then started new job. Since having has a baby and realising what it is like for me day to day, I feel like the new job has made my life harder and my husband has the best of all worlds.

Old job:

1-2 days WFH
flexible start between 7-8
left house at 6/630 for 7/730 start
7-330 mon to thurs
7 to 1pm friday
could take calls, flexi time, company were very relaxed if he needed to leave early for personal reasons and could make time up in the week of need be
job wasn't mentally stimulating and too much managerial pressure in his role

He was home by half 4 most days. He worked 2-3 Saturday mornings a month to boost wage.

New job:

Mon to Fri 830 to 530
Leaves at 645, commute is 50 mins
less spent on petrol
free lunch, bonus scheme
no WTF days
not home until 630/7
now has Saturday mornings free
better career prospects, but few steps down

Since starting the new job, I have found myself resenting him. I am happy for him for his career as if he said no, he most likely would not have been offered the job again but timing isn't great. I have also been diagnosed with PPD, we have no family near by except my mum 40 minutes away. He can't physically help until 7 in the evenings as by the time he has had a shower and a sh*t, then its 7/720 as he takes 40 minutes. He gets lunch too so doesn't think about a food shop etc as he is covered so I just do it for muself. Our 4 month old doesn't sleep, husband does help at night where he can but its hard. He knows how I feel. His new job means I can't go back to my job full time, the nursery we have chosen for our child can no longer go to as it only opens at 8 but I need a 730 start and he was going to do the drop offs and me pick ups as he had a flexible start time but I now have to do both so have had to change nursery. Financially, new job means I can work three days a week but I love my job and have worked hard to get where I am in my career. I feel like I have had to make a lot of scarfices. New job also took husband away for three weeks in total, once when baby was 8 weeks for two weeks and once at 16 weeks for a week.

AIBU - with my feelings about his new job?

I am struggling to find a way to see the positives as it has made my husbands life better as he has the best of everything, at my scarifice of time, career etc. PPD already makes me feel shit and I just have soooo much resentment for this job and I feel bad that I do as I know he believed he was making the right decision for us as a family. There have also been times where I have called him needing support and he would have been anle to come home in his old job but can't with his new job.

he only had 24 hours to respond and I was in the early stages of labour

Tells you all you need to know.

Any normal person/decent employer (if they want him that much) would understand if the wife has gone into labour that that takes precedence.

Anyway, now he has THE BIG IMPORTANT JOB does not overrule his duties as a father or your duty to your career. (You'll need it).

This!

It is the baby that has made your life harder, not your husband's job. His work setup is very normal for most families. You are both entitled to feel happy in your jobs. The important thing is that he pulls his weight when he is not working. At the moment, naturally, most of the baby stuff falls on you because you are on maternity. You both need to work together to make sure it doesn't still fall on you when you go back to work. This might mean finding alternative childcare arrangements if nursery isn't suitable anymore.

Perhaps mum has a job she can't just drop?

Any man who coming home from work takes 40 minutes to 'shower and shit' with a newborn is taking the piss, THAT is your problem, not his job - his attitude.

Honestly, I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm in a similar situation but not with newborns.
You had a flexible life previously and now it's gone rigid and you have a new baby and you have PPD! that's three major changes to your routine and lifestyle, that's enough to make anyone feel rubbish!

My husband also had a wonderfully flexible job which meant that he could make it home to collect the kids on most days. He then got made redundant and had to take a different job which is ridiculously inflexible.

I WFH, and I'm now doing morning and afternoon school runs, to two different schools.. every day. My husband said he would still be able to do drop offs but it would make him late so he doesn't.

All the burden has fallen on me, plus I'm looking after the kids when they come home and cooking the dinner every day.
He barely does anything now because he is at work Monday -Saturday.
I resent him taking this job, it's more money but I have to do everything as well as do my job which is in a leadership position whereas his isn't. So his isn't as stressful as mine. He gets a nice 40 mins to decompress on the way home but as soon as it hits 5.30, I have to leave my desk and get straight to cooking.
And then he arrives home to a lovely home cooked meal.

You're not being unreasonable, talk to him and tell him to help out more.
I told my husband to start making the lunches for the kids and taking them twice a week because it's not fair on me.

Seriously!

At 4m my daughter was still a colicky nightmare; DP had a 5-hour round trip daily commute (we did move eventually! ). He used to have one arm out of his coat as he was opening the front door, be taking DD as he shrugged the rest and his rucksack off, and started pacing up and down with her straight from the 2.5-hour trip home.

OP, I do think your husband has the right to find a better job for him. BUT his job can’t compromise yours without him compromising too: it’s not OK to give you 100% of the pickup/dropoff load and make you figure it out. You work full time; he works full time. It’s both your jobs to create a schedule that works, to find alternative childcare, to look for a solution, and to do 50% of the nursery runs. Don’t let him shrug this off; you’re not doing a hobby job, and you didn’t have a child solo.

DP’s job does create a shit work schedule for me as he commutes and I wfh, so there are two days where it’s all on me – nursery runs, school runs, dinner, bath, bedtimes. Again, the second he walks in the door on commute nights he takes over bedtime if the kids are still up; otherwise he just dives in with what needs doing. And overall he ensures that, though my workday is curtailed two days a week, it doesn’t affect me more than it has to. Eg he pays a larger share of bills so I can increase pension payments to what they’d be if I didn’t have to trim my hours.

Not doing food shops or meal plans because your own lunch is sorted is BOLLOCKS. He eats breakfast, dinner and at weekends, right? He cares for you and DD and wants you eating your five a day?

He needs a come to Jesus conversation.

He’s having a laugh having a SHOWER and SHIT for 40 MINUTES.

What the fuck is he doing in there?!???

2 stood out to me, firstly, that you're simply just expected to damage your own career, I'm fiercely protective over my career and consider it an absolute must, to be financially independent.

Secondly, he should not be taking 40 minutes for shit and a shower, if he needs a shower he can wait until just before he goes to bed, and the children are asleep and all the chores have been done. I think you need to sit down and have a frank conversation with him about this, he's a parent and as such needs to be flexible with his working arrangements to enable him to take responsibility for the dc, and support you in your career, it shouldn't all be on you.

How was DH going to drop off at nursery at 8am when he started at 8am, and most days he was starting at 7am? You’d have needed a different nursery anyway. In any event, can you find a local CM to do drop off so you can work your required hours?

No sleeping ds and PPD. What has your HV and GP said about that?

I personally think that changing to a new job which allows less flexibility when you’ve just had a baby is something that would annoy me a lot, if my partner did it. Having to decide when you’re in labour is a very difficult situation. However this is done now, and it’s probably best not to think too much about how it might have been easier if a different decision had been made. Contrary to a lot of other people on here, I think his working hours sound quite long - not abnormal but quite long. Again, there’s not much you can do about this now so probably best not to dwell. However, I like you would be pretty irritated. As everyone has said the 40 minute shower situation is unacceptable he needs to get with reality on this. Someone said he has a right to a decompression after a day at work well yes in an ideal world, but when you’ve got a little baby things aren’t really ideal. There is no time for everyone to have decompression most days. I too had non-sleeping babies and felt very resentful when I was on leave as my life was a lot more difficult than his. That was just a reality. I disagree with anyone who thinks working is harder for being on Mat leave and looking after a baby on no sleep. I suspect it’s quite common to feel a bit resentful towards partners during this time, especially with some of the extra challenges you’ve got. I really sympathise. Having a baby is wonderful but also incredibly hard. I agree with other posters that he needs a sit down and a long chat about how you’re feeling and to come up with some solutions for your job when you go back as it’s unreasonable that you make all the sacrifices. Dream jobs are great but realistically I think it’s pretty rare for women to have a freedom when they’ve just had a baby to go for a dream job, and I don’t think it’s that unreasonable for a man to perhaps wait a year or two until the baby isn’t tiny to do likewise. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but it’s probably best to try and find a way through without letting the resentment overwhelm. The 40 minute shower has to go though.

My partner works from home and I resented him so badly when I was on Mat leave, the poor man couldn’t pop to the kitchen to get a drink without me thinking he was just dossing about not helping with the baby. The fact he was there, but not helping caused me so much stress. Even though in my normally functioning pre baby brain I knew he was working, my post partum brain was constantly annoyed.
So honestly, particularly with your PPD, I think you would have felt this way with the old job too. Our brains do funny things to us in those first few months and can make problems out of any situation.
I would however sit him down and explain the times you feel he could help more when he’s home and list these out. He’s out of the house, so doesn’t immediately recognise what needs doing like you so, so just tell him. It angered me initially that I had to do this, but it helped so much in the end. I think as mums we naturally take everything on and do a good job, as a result it’s not always obvious what needs doing or when we need help.

Honetly the resentment eases off and gets better later on. You will feel more like you again and find some routine and balance.

I also always thought I would want to go back full time, but when it gets to that time you may not want to. I loved my job, it was my life, now I do it because I need to but all my priorities have changed. I don’t work Wednesdays now and love never being away from my little boy for more than 2 days at a time. So give it time for you to work that side of things out too.

I’m not sure I’d ever feel comfortable telling a grown up how long they are able to spend taking a shit 😂

Has a referral been made to perinatal mental health team to support you?

I think you would possibly still feel resentful even with old job. It’s natural and happen to many women after baby. The way society is set up your whole world is turned upside down and they swan off like nothing has changed.

Voted YABU but only because I think you would possibly feel this way about his old job too. It's more about you adjusting to your new circumstances than him working. I admit he would have been around more perhaps in the old job but you need to take the opportunity when you can. Perhaps make a decision to do something for yourself on a Saturday morning and he can have baby. That way you benefit from the time he has "got back" and it will be good for his relationship with the baby too. It's hard being a new mum, whatever your circumstances. Enjoy what you can and don't waste life being resentful, it will take its toll on you more than anyone else x

His new job sounds like a normal setup to me. My husband and I took it turns over the years over whose careers got the priority with the family life juggle so we could both progress and have our career moments but if you are both building up your careers and have a young family you can't have it all, there is compromise, juggling and stress as part of the course.

Did you not discuss it before he applied? Surely some talk would have happened around that and what it would look like if he got the job?

If someone said that to me, theyd likely get slapped 😂😂😂
40 mins for a shower and the toilet is average surely?

Was your baby premature? How did he go for the job at 4 months pregnant and was only offered it 1 day before your baby arrived?

Lol why is his day prioritized over hers? So basically he works 8.30 and clocks off at 5.30 and then his time is his own, but her day is 24hours???

I think yabu and a little emotional.
You need to have a chat with him.
Does he do his share on weekends and evenings?
Can he take some parental leave or holidays?
Childcare can be worked out in the future.
Find a middle ground but most importantly enjoy being a family

I've been in a similar situation to you OP.
DH took his dream job when DS was two and it did make our life a bit more challenging but we have made it work.

Your DH needs to be prepared to pull his weight and understand the impact his job is having on family life and do what he can to mitigate these new challenges.

We both work full time and make it work by making it clear that organising childcare is not just my responsibility. DH organises his diary so that he can do his fair share of pick ups/drop offs. He had to negotiate this with his employer but women don't think twice about doing this and we need more men to do the same.
The same goes for household chores. Make sure they are shared equally.

I think he has either taken this job without knowing the consequences. or thought hang it Im taking it ,does he know how much it impacts you? Surely there would have been discussions before you were in Labour? Maybe 3 days (if it doesnt impact your position) may be better ATM? Revisit later or maybe compressed hours may work.I think he has been reckless taking this post really .As it is you need to ask him if he can drop off a couple of times a week .Many companies are open to discussions on flexible hours now