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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands new job has made my life harder in the short term

96 replies

newmumma2000 · 22/03/2024 15:07

Husband applied for his dream job when I was 4 months pregnant. He got offered the job day before I went into labour. Had three weeks off for paternity and then went back to work to old job for a week and then started new job. Since having has a baby and realising what it is like for me day to day, I feel like the new job has made my life harder and my husband has the best of all worlds.

Old job:

1-2 days WFH
flexible start between 7-8
left house at 6/630 for 7/730 start
7-330 mon to thurs
7 to 1pm friday
could take calls, flexi time, company were very relaxed if he needed to leave early for personal reasons and could make time up in the week of need be
job wasn't mentally stimulating and too much managerial pressure in his role

He was home by half 4 most days. He worked 2-3 Saturday mornings a month to boost wage.

New job:

Mon to Fri 830 to 530
Leaves at 645, commute is 50 mins
less spent on petrol
free lunch, bonus scheme
no WTF days
not home until 630/7
now has Saturday mornings free
better career prospects, but few steps down

Since starting the new job, I have found myself resenting him. I am happy for him for his career as if he said no, he most likely would not have been offered the job again but timing isn't great. I have also been diagnosed with PPD, we have no family near by except my mum 40 minutes away. He can't physically help until 7 in the evenings as by the time he has had a shower and a sh*t, then its 7/720 as he takes 40 minutes. He gets lunch too so doesn't think about a food shop etc as he is covered so I just do it for muself. Our 4 month old doesn't sleep, husband does help at night where he can but its hard. He knows how I feel. His new job means I can't go back to my job full time, the nursery we have chosen for our child can no longer go to as it only opens at 8 but I need a 730 start and he was going to do the drop offs and me pick ups as he had a flexible start time but I now have to do both so have had to change nursery. Financially, new job means I can work three days a week but I love my job and have worked hard to get where I am in my career. I feel like I have had to make a lot of scarfices. New job also took husband away for three weeks in total, once when baby was 8 weeks for two weeks and once at 16 weeks for a week.

AIBU - with my feelings about his new job?

I am struggling to find a way to see the positives as it has made my husbands life better as he has the best of everything, at my scarifice of time, career etc. PPD already makes me feel shit and I just have soooo much resentment for this job and I feel bad that I do as I know he believed he was making the right decision for us as a family. There have also been times where I have called him needing support and he would have been anle to come home in his old job but can't with his new job.

OP posts:
SpringOfContentment · 22/03/2024 16:52

Why is he leaving at 6.45 for a 8 30 start less than an hour away?

PansyOatZebra · 22/03/2024 17:58

I don’t think his hours are unreasonable they’re quite normal.

Ive a 10 week old and my husband works similar hours and can’t wfh and I can’t really relate to a lot youve said.

Victoriancat · 22/03/2024 21:21

"Nice set up before" yeah for YOU
I wouldn't want to stand in the way of a dream job

Cbljgdpk · 22/03/2024 21:29

Something similar happened to me when my DD was 4 months old; it was hard and I resented the new job. I got used to it though and we’ve found different levels of balance in our jobs as our DC have got older

Vonesk · 22/03/2024 21:32

Its such a huge upheaval .( Baby)
And You are going to be ' comparing ' each of your life routines . With a Negative conclusion.
PPD can go on and on and on. All the while you are both navigating A Whole New World.
Go easy on yourself and believe me cherish the baby months at home

Once you decide, then launch back into work it s forever.
Bear in mind baby s body clock is sensitive and will learn to do the same thing like sleep at same time each day.
Are there any play groups you can both go to to meet other mums in local churches.

PeloMom · 22/03/2024 21:34

Can you afford getting a mothers helper few times a week to give you a break?

BubblePerm · 22/03/2024 21:36

Ask for flexible working at work?

ButtockUp · 22/03/2024 21:38

Go to work full time and negotiate a dual parenting role.

His hours seem normal but you don't think so.
Employers want staff in .

I'm not sure what else your options are.

Do you want to go back full time ?

RandomMess · 22/03/2024 21:40

He can make a formal request to amend his hours he could do some compressed hours and then work a couple of shorter days?

TiredMummma · 22/03/2024 21:46

So it's fine he took then job but now he needs to have a conversation with his manager and get reasonable adjustments.

Most contracts build these in for childcare for example, there should be no reason he can no longer do the drop offs.

Also why should your pay, your pension, your job progression suffer? I think he has to understand it's all ok whilst you are on maternity but once you are no he needs to pull his weight and recognise he has to flex his job too. If he can't, he needs to look for another job that is conducive to family life.

DadJamie · 22/03/2024 22:12

FreeCheck · 22/03/2024 15:24

no WTF days

No WTF days is a huge positive in a job!
I have many WTF days in my job and it's not good.....

What are WTF days?

RubyBon · 22/03/2024 22:26

Rickrolypoly · 22/03/2024 15:34

For the most part I think YABU as you are just describing normal everyday life. Get on with it.
He doesn't need to shower etc. as soon as he is home, this can wait unless he is coming home filthy.
One thing that stands out is this though
" His new job means I can't go back to my job full time, the nursery we have chosen for our child can no longer go to as it only opens at 8 but I need a 730 start and he was going to do the drop offs and me pick ups as he had a flexible start time but I now have to do both so have had to change nursery"

You need to change your whole mind set around this. You are making childcare 100% your responsibility and it's not. You both have a child, you both work. Right now you are on ML and therefore you don't need paid child care however, once you go back to work you both need to find the solution. Too many women take this on themselves and this is just one of the reasons they get burnt out and stressed going back to work. Repeat after me... "we both have a child and we both work so we both need to figure out childcare!"

100% this!

seasaltbarbie · 22/03/2024 22:47

His working schedule really isn’t that unreasonable to be honest. I think it’s your PPD that is causing you to feel resentful, your having a really tough time and have to put your life on hold and he is starting his dream job, that sounds really tough for you. I had PPD too so I know how hard it can be, I wish there was a way to make it better for you but time is the healer, it can take a while after having a baby to feel good again. Having babies is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, some days you will nail it and some days you will be a complete mess. You unfortunately do need to soldier on though, and one day you will look back and realise just how strong you are for getting through this. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, you will recover I promise, keep your chin up remember it’s ok to find this very difficult because it is bloody difficult.

Wigtopia · 22/03/2024 22:52

newmumma2000 · 22/03/2024 15:13

We did discuss but he only had 24 hours to respond and I was in the early stages of labour so I was preoccupied to really give it much thought. I was really happy for him as I knew how much it meant to him aswell so didn't really consider the day to day impact it would have. We also didn't know about the travel until he started.

Never heard of someone being given 24 hours to accept a job. How odd

woahboy · 22/03/2024 23:15

A)he doesn't need to shower until after baby
B) his new job changed things do he can figure out the new nursery situation. He can research and find somewhere. Why would you be doing this? You'll be too busy back at work.

You'll both be working FT so he needs to parent his child

Start as you mean to go on OP

BabySnarkDoDoo · 22/03/2024 23:17

I think the way you feel is perfectly understandable. The day to day routine is quite different now than how you expected it would be and you only found out about the change when you were giving birth!

I do think he needs to be proactive in finding a solution to not being able to do drop offs, his change of job shouldn't prevent you from going back to work as that's what you want. Also, he doesn't need to be spending 40 minutes in the shower when he gets back from work, either take shorter showers or wait until the baby is asleep.

penjil · 22/03/2024 23:20

FreeCheck · 22/03/2024 15:24

no WTF days

No WTF days is a huge positive in a job!
I have many WTF days in my job and it's not good.....

If I had WFH in my job, that would definitely stop the WTF days! 😂

ForestFancies · 22/03/2024 23:22

You absolutely need to sit down and talk to him about how you are both going to juggle nursery when you go back to work. He took the new job knowing you were returning to your old job, so how did he think it was going to work? Shifting our hours works best for us. I start/finish early and do pickups, my husband starts/finishes later and does drop offs. We split child sickness days.

It all started with my husband when I totally lost my shit with him during the 2nd covid lockdown after realising that his work had experienced zero impact of covid childcare at all (why bother asking if I'm doing it all?). Meanwhile I was entering my 2nd lockdown trying to work while also doing primary school online learning for a 5 and 10 yo, all at the dining room table. I went back to the office 50% of the time (I announced it for the following week, no discussion) and said he'd be looking after the kids because I couldn't get any work done at home. He had a baptism of fire however, we've not looked back. Our children now see their dad doing 50% (childcare and also housework) so I hope my son expects to do this and my daughter knows to expect it from her future partner.

Spopssas · 22/03/2024 23:24

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LoneFemaleTraveller · 22/03/2024 23:28

Fid he not even think about how he would be dropping the ball on parenting completely?

bonzaitree · 22/03/2024 23:44

He has the right to submit a flexibale working request to his employer to enable him to do drop offs at nursery.

Really he should have thought about this and negotiated better before taking the job.

Don’t go down to three days- why should you have to when you don’t want to?

Babyghirl · 22/03/2024 23:57

@DadJamie
WFT means working from home.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/03/2024 01:03

"not home until 630/7"

"He can't physically help until 7 in the evenings as by the time he has had a shower and a sht, then its 7/720 as he takes 40 minutes."*

Immediate change he can make - his shower waits until baby is down, and he leaves his phone outside the loo and thus takes 5 minutes to shit. I cannot comprehend how he can fuck about on his return like thisShock.

" He gets lunch too so doesn't think about a food shop etc as he is covered so I just do it for muself."
Another task that actually - he can pick up. He can order the food shop online (during lunch?) and arrange its delivery for when he is home. 'Doesn't think' doesn't wash - he eats, he knows you eat. He needs to get his finger out.

He needs to stop revelling in his new job, and instead revel in his new baby.

Zone2NorthLondon · 23/03/2024 01:31

CrappyBarbara · 22/03/2024 15:14

He should be helping you the moment he walks in the door. The shower needs to wait til baby is asleep. The shit can get done in 5 minutes if he leaves his phone outside.

actually, yes he can have a shower when he gets home after work. It isn’t unreasonable to shower after work. He really doesn’t need to snap to it immediately gets in. He can shower, make them both a cuppa
As Much as op is tired (understandable) with new baby, he is tired too. Commuting & working. Find a midground that will suit you both, and you can both work that out.

Ponderingwindow · 23/03/2024 01:46

The childcare is equally his problem. You have a job you enjoy, don’t change it just because he is saying he can’t do his share of parenting. This is as much his problem to solve as yours.

he can renegotiate his hours
you can find a different nursery
you can hire a nanny
you could move closer to his work
you could move closer to your work
you could get a nursery closer to one of your jobs so the drop off and pickup does not include commute time

im not saying every one of these is a great solution, but absolutely every option should get considered before you even remotely consider sacrificing your own career.

oh and my DH solved his long shower problem by deciding to set himself a timer on days he has additional responsibilities. I was surprised to hear it go off the first time, but he didn’t trust himself not to linger, so he gave himself enough time to get clean plus a minute or two to decompress and then it’s off to the races .