Husbands new job has made my life harder in the short term

[newmumma2000]

Husband applied for his dream job when I was 4 months pregnant. He got offered the job day before I went into labour. Had three weeks off for paternity and then went back to work to old job for a week and then started new job. Since having has a baby and realising what it is like for me day to day, I feel like the new job has made my life harder and my husband has the best of all worlds.

Old job:

1-2 days WFH
flexible start between 7-8
left house at 6/630 for 7/730 start
7-330 mon to thurs
7 to 1pm friday
could take calls, flexi time, company were very relaxed if he needed to leave early for personal reasons and could make time up in the week of need be
job wasn't mentally stimulating and too much managerial pressure in his role

He was home by half 4 most days. He worked 2-3 Saturday mornings a month to boost wage.

New job:

Mon to Fri 830 to 530
Leaves at 645, commute is 50 mins
less spent on petrol
free lunch, bonus scheme
no WTF days
not home until 630/7
now has Saturday mornings free
better career prospects, but few steps down

Since starting the new job, I have found myself resenting him. I am happy for him for his career as if he said no, he most likely would not have been offered the job again but timing isn't great. I have also been diagnosed with PPD, we have no family near by except my mum 40 minutes away. He can't physically help until 7 in the evenings as by the time he has had a shower and a sh*t, then its 7/720 as he takes 40 minutes. He gets lunch too so doesn't think about a food shop etc as he is covered so I just do it for muself. Our 4 month old doesn't sleep, husband does help at night where he can but its hard. He knows how I feel. His new job means I can't go back to my job full time, the nursery we have chosen for our child can no longer go to as it only opens at 8 but I need a 730 start and he was going to do the drop offs and me pick ups as he had a flexible start time but I now have to do both so have had to change nursery. Financially, new job means I can work three days a week but I love my job and have worked hard to get where I am in my career. I feel like I have had to make a lot of scarfices. New job also took husband away for three weeks in total, once when baby was 8 weeks for two weeks and once at 16 weeks for a week.

AIBU - with my feelings about his new job?

I am struggling to find a way to see the positives as it has made my husbands life better as he has the best of everything, at my scarifice of time, career etc. PPD already makes me feel shit and I just have soooo much resentment for this job and I feel bad that I do as I know he believed he was making the right decision for us as a family. There have also been times where I have called him needing support and he would have been anle to come home in his old job but can't with his new job.

OP this is really tough. DH took redundancy after covid as his shift work with a huge commute had taken its toll after our first child. He now has set days and shifts and we either do drop offs or pick ups each.
He had an interview for another job last year which would have been 8:30-5:30 and was offered it. He was a bit miffed he couldn’t take it but as we her one child at nursery and one at school getting to two different places before 8:30 for an 8am drop off wouldn’t have worked for him and then he’d also only have time to pick one of them up for a 6pm finish at nursery and after school club. The job would have meant the kids were in breakfast and after school clubs more. We did discuss it though and he asked if I could drop the kids off in the mornings but I am a teacher and work half an hour away so that was not possible. I did remind him I work around him too and that I can’t just change my job to whatever as it has to fit around his shifts and be the right days.
It’s not forever for my DH but for now it has to work for both of us.

Your DH needs to find a way to solve this - is there a nursery right by his work that would make his hours work better and he could do all the drop offs and pick ups? I go for that as as much as it seems cute to do those, my working days are a lot less stressful on the one day I don’t do any!

A few things umped out at me.

he was going to do the drop offs and me pick ups as he had a flexible start time but I now have to do both so have had to change nursery.

His dream job does not trump your desire to carry on in the career you like. He was going to do the drop offs so now he needs to take responsibility for working out how this is going to work - dumping his responsibility on you is not acceptable. SO he needs to spend his lunch hor researching nurseries/childminders/nannies to find one that he can drop off to.

He gets lunch too so doesn't think about a food shop etc as he is covered so I just do it for muself.

This needs to change. He can meal plan and cook for the 2 of you when he's home in the evening and can sort out an online order for delivery and just ask you to review and add anything you want for you to it.

now has Saturday mornings free

Rephrase that to - now he doesn't need to go in to work on Saturdays he is available for childcare so you can have a lie in and he can bond with the child he jointly created and doesn't see much of in the week. Part of this time should be spent outside the house so the baby isn't disturbing you/he can't ask you to step in when there's a problem.

I understand how this is all playing out for you. And feel for you as I remember how long and lonely those first days with a baby were. Rereading your post - I think your feelings towards his job are being impacted by the PPD and lack of sleep. Take each issue one at a time - all together it’s just overwhelming.

Dont panic now about your work. You need to focus on getting the help and support to manage these first few difficult months with the baby. Get out and talk with other mums at local baby groups - you are not alone! See if your mum can come up during the week to spend time with you and the baby.

Have a frank conversation with your husband about home life right now. You are alone all day, looking after the baby is work, the social aspects (dinner, talking etc) when he gets home are key for your mental wellbeing. He needs to engage
positively with that (bring/cook dinner, talk with you when he get back) Before he disappears into a routine he had pre child - he needs to
adapt to accommodate.

Once that support is in place, then re look at nurseries and think about how this will all play out when you go back to work. Then have a think about work. Nursery is super expensive for under 2s. There may be value in only doing 3 days…. Going up to full time/what you want in time when nursery/school comes into play.

When you’ve worked out what you want to do it’s really worth talking to your manager. I currently have someone working for me that’s on 3 days and it’s not stopping her career. Key is right sizing job so you can do it in time you have, as that will keep your career progressing. Rather than being set up to fail….

Away as I said at start - tackle one things at a time.

I think you’ll have to find a way to work through it and tell him why it’s hard for you. If he didn’t take the job because of you he’d be resenting you. For a bit of perspective my husband took a job just before our baby was born which is 12 hour days 5 days a week with a commute and I don’t live close to family. Those first two months being alone with the baby for 14 hours a day were trying to say the least.

What are WTF days?

Your problem is not the job but your DH. The minute he walks in he should be helping. Not after some extra 40mins to himself. Also he shouldn't be just thinking of himself; you're now a free babysitter who's making it possible for him to live a lifestyle of a childless dude.
You need to sit down with him and discuss all this honestly.
He could:
Ask to work part time so he has shorter days or one day off per week.
Bring takeaway 3x a week.
Hire an occasional nanny/babysitter.
Hire a cleaner.
Subscribe to a meal delivery service.
Take care of the baby half days Saturday and Sunday to give you a proper rest.

Please lean on to your mum more too. 40mins is nothing. My mum is on the other side of the world...

Your Dh is either clueless or taking the piss. Leave him in charge of the baby for every Saturday and he'll start to figure what's the issue.

I’d be telling him I’m going back to work and he needs to find a way to make the drop offs work by next week. See how that focusses his mind! What a selfish man! Do not think you need to plug the gaps his new job has left. He can organize a nanny or whatever it takes so he can fulfill his end of the bargain.

Are you financially better off with his new job?

If so because it's taking away from time he can help at home can you afford to buy in some help?

Could you get a cleaner?

Can you do online food shop? I have an Asda midweek pass and also have my regular shop saved so I only really need to think beyond the basics and even that's easier!

Hindsight is always a wonderful thing but right now I'd be concentrating on how to make your life easier to match his positive changes.

Why does his desire for a new job trump your right to work? Surely he wants you to be able to earn as much as possible so that in the worse case scenario you would be able to take care of yourself and your child without him. He needs to find a way to keep his end of the bargain, why should your earning potential suffer because he changed his mind?

I don't quite see the issue, seem normal to me. Not sure why he l aces do early though for an 8.30 start.

Ok my kids are young adults now so perhaps that colours my views, but it's always hard when kids are young, and I don't get why people should be available to help during the working week except in emergency, wfh in my limited experience was being abused by some staff hence why everyone came back in 2021 (not working during the working day basically)

So you don't think her husband should be available for any nursery/school runs? Therefore making it difficult for the OP to go back to work as planned?

WFH doesn't mean people expect you to be available during the day but it can mean it's easier to share the school run.

He needs to request more flexible working when you return to work!!

either agreeing a later start a few days a week or earlier finish to facilitate some nursery drop offs and pick ups! It can't all be on you - surely other people at his work also have to do the same if they have kids!

The timing suggests he did it on purpose so he wouldn't have to pull his weight at home when the baby arrives.

Your husband sounds really lazy. I don't think you should resent him for the change of job, if he is going to work (which I presume he needs to do to pay the bills) then he should be able to chose a job he is really happy doing. However he sounds like he's using the new job as an excuse for being lazy and not helping. He can't help being home later, but he definately should be having no more than 10 mins to himself between getting in and baby going to bed, unless you are doing something he really can't help with (like breastfeeding). Even then he could be cleaning up or something.

Why is he leaving so early / getting back so late on a 50 min commute? He should be leaving no earlier than 7.30 and having DC for some of that time and then leaving ASAP at 5.30, and apart from a quick wee taking the DC once he's back not taking 40 mins in the shower. He's taking the piss. No wonder you feel resentment.

Both DH and I fought for flexible working so we could share drop off and pick up etc and I agree he should have looked for a role where he could keep his side of the deal eg still do drop offs, not expect you to pick up the slack.

I agree

This 100%

Its called team work. Presumably there will be benefits for you all from husbands new job and baby st ages do come and go.

If he cuts it down to 20-30mins I think it’s fine that he gets a little time to decompress. He’s been at work all day and can have half an hour having a shower and going to the toilet before taking over baby duties and mum having a rest. It’s unreasonable to expect him to walk through the door and immediately see to the baby.

There was a post earlier about a mum being flustered that her dinner is on the table as soon as she walks in and she wanted 30 minutes to get changed and unwind before eating. Everyone was on her side and saying dinner could be pushed back so she could have time to unwind and that was just so she could have headspace to eat a ready made meal.

I think this must be more about division of labour than his new job. His new job sounds completely reasonable - the hours, no WFH sounds pretty normal, and no Saturday working is a bonus surely. Perhaps you need to discuss with him on when and how you can split the load more fairly, rather than focussing just on his job.

I think you are making an excellent point. Sometimes there is an assumption that whatever the mother makes has to cover childcare, and that it's a waste to work if you have little left over beyond paying for the nursery. But there can be other benefits to staying in a job besides salary. Such as pension and in being around when career opportunities arrive. It may be that you have to spend more on childcare than you are doing to get coverage for the hours you need. That expense is worth it, and it's his responsibility as much as yours.