Buying a house with in-laws

[ohmyohmy123]

My in-laws are in their 80's - both DH and I work full time and have children, pets etc. we live quite close and try our best to support them. They are now at the point that they need regular care which is difficult as we take turns to visit each evening but they are isolated and lonely and it's hard work to try to leave - they find jobs for us to do or complain we've not been there long enough.

DH sibling lives too far and sees them once a month so it's all on us.

They have a cleaner and a gardener but complain about having to pay people when they have family near by. They expect my children to support with gardening etc (they are 12 & 14 and do lots of extra curricular activities so rarely get time. They do small
Jobs like putting their bins out each week but with 2 hours of homework each evening and their clubs I don't feel it's fair to expect more from them.

I cook at their house twice a week to ensure they see us all together but it's not enough for them and they still complain they haven't seen us.

I have seen a house big enough to house us all to enable us to care for them whilst having our own space. It would mean them giving the money from their house sale to help fund it.

I have discussed this at length and father in law is on board- however mil is saying that it isn't fair to sibling as they should have half of the house sale. Whilst I appreciate this - we can mortgage partially to cover it. Sibling is quite precious about it and everything has to be "fair" so they wouldn't be happy about it incase we got more than them.

For example in laws wanted to help us buy our first marital home but sibling complained so they had to half the money between us.

DH says they won't do it because sibling would be unhappy etc. To me it's not about money but about quality of my time. Preparing meals, cleaning, gardening etc whilst raising my children and cooking, cleaning in my own house. It they lived with us it would be easier for me and I know that's selfish for me - but DH expects me to pick up the slack as his job is more physically demanding (mine is mentally demanding).

It is affecting the relationship with my own family as my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time. I still manage her money, do her shopping etc but she then feels guilty asking for help as
She knows I'm stretched.

I don't really know what I want from this thread - time management advice? Tell me to man up and make DH do the care for his parents, suck it up and get on with it?!

[WhateverMate]

Definitely woman up and make your DH do much more for his parents!

I think moving in together would have disaster written all over it. What would happen if they needed round the clock care in their 90s?

I've a feeling even more of it would fall on you and they wouldn't even have the money for a care home if it all got too much.

[MojoMoon]

You don't have to be at their beck and call, do their cooking, gardening and care.

It isn't a requirement even if they are family.

They could pay for help - they are being very rude in expecting you to provide gardening, cooking for free.
They could downsize to a small, manageable property with plenty of practical support from cleaners, housekeeper etc with family visiting to enjoy each other's company not to be a skivvy.

Their care requirements could grow and grow over time so bear that in mind if you are living together- are you prepared for providing personal, intimate care because it sounds like it would fall to you and not your husband?

Don't martyr yourself. Your husband would not do the same for your mum, I bet

[HeddaGarbled]

man up and make DH do the care for his parents

Pretty much this.

Don’t buy a house with them.

Don’t expect your children to do anything other than the occasional favour.

Decide how much you can manage, ensuring that your mum gets an equal share of your time, and that you protect your own family and leisure time.

And then just hand over all remaining responsibility to your H.

[Twistingskies]

I’d do as much as you want to. You definitely shouldn’t be doing any gardening or cleaning if they can afford to pay for it.

It really should be down to your DH and his sibling to take charge of their care. Your DM should be your priority after your own household.

Encourage then to move closer to the sibling or maybe move in with them. That’ll make things a bit fairer since you’ve helped out loads and they like things equal!

[GrumpyPanda]

Will you sell your house if they have to go into care? Sounds like a mess. And yes, your H should definitely pull his weight and not put his duties onto you. Your poor mum.

[TheGreatGherkin]

Terrible idea. You would be beholden to them and no doubt conflict would arise at some point, SIL would be a pain in the arse and caring for frail elderly people is bloody hard work. Many of those things can be outsourced, gardening cleaning etc and meals can be delivered.

[Shinyandnew1]

They have a cleaner and a gardener but complain about having to pay people when they have family near by.

Do they not think you have enough to do?!

I think you and your DH need to have a serious chat about this-it sounds like you will be doing huge amounts of care, ignoring your mum so that your DH doesn’t have to address the issue.

[sandyhappypeople]

This sounds like a terrible idea to me.

They sound incredibly needy even though you are already doing so much for them, do you really think moving in together will solve that problem? Or will they just become 100% reliant on you for everything (especially if your DH is not stepping up) and put pressure on the kids to help them more. You would not be able to escape it.

Then you've got to think about the time when one of them may be so frail they need care, but insist on staying at home because you're all there to 'look after them' do you really want to sign your kids up to that? Having to do personal care for their grandparents etc?

Would you have to sell the property if the money is zapped by care home fees?

What is the real motivation here, surely you realise this is going to make your life harder not easier?

[Kelly51]

Do not buy a house together, you'll never a minutes peace.
They sound incredibly demanding and selfish, if they can afford to pay for help then they need to increase the hours of help; you and your kids aren't free labour.
I'd suggest the sibling who demands fairness shows a bit of fairness and steps up.

[OrangeSlices998]

This is not your burden to bear OP. You have your own mum and family to care for, work, and your own life and other responsibilities. DH and his sibling need to think of a fair way to support their parents. You are not there to meet everyone’s needs!

[PotatoPudding]

If you move in together, you will literally be running around after them every second of the day. Don’t do it!

Also, have you looked at financial implications such as inheritance tax and what would happen to the house if they went into care?

[Hungrycaterpillarsmummy]

Why are you just bowing down to their expectations?
Just because they want company doesn't means they must have it. You don't have to do any extra jobs. You need to tell them no, you are busy you cannot do it all.

Absolutely do not buy a house and live with them. Jeez

[Pallisers]

It is affecting the relationship with my own family as my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time.

Seriously, OP? Your own mother is losing out because your in laws demand stuff of you. You don't have to prioritise them. They have the money to pay for stuff. Your dh can prioritise them. you can be a nice helpful DIL.

At the moment when you are neglecting your own mother because of your in-law's demands - not needs - that is the moment you need to take a good hard look at your family dynamic and ask yourself why you are neglecting your own mother for two people who would probably not do the same for you.

Stop. Just stop. Tell dh he needs to deal with his parents and to fuck off if he expects you to do it. And no he doesn't expect it because his job is more physically demanding it is because you are a woman and that's women's work (your sibling in law clearly feels the same)

Do what suits you and what suits your family and no more.

And for god's sake under no circumstances whatsoever should you merge your finances with your PILs and take on full-time, live-in care for them. Just NO. Stop.

[Ladyprehensile]

Your poor mum. Sounds like she’s being sidelined by your selfish PIL and with respect, your feelings of trying to be helpful.

Im sorry for your dilemma and can empathise a bit with your indecision (and concerns) to do the right thing but believe me, having them sharing a home will mean the authorities will pile more and more onto you as their needs increase. Furthermore, don’t be the driver of all this. Your husband must be involved more and the sibling too if they want any say in the matter regarding the future. Does this sibling appreciated how much work you will be taking on? I doubt it but they’ll still want what they consider theirs when the time comes.

Dont do it Op. Step back. Just don’t.

[pinkdelight]

Christ, don't get a house together, that's crackers. They're in their 80s. Let them stay in their home. If they need more help they can get carers in. You're doing plenty and it's not on you just because they don't want to pay for it. They can afford to by the sounds of it. And they're not lonely as they've got each other and gardeners etc. They're asking too much and their DC should be doing more. Be less beholden and be firmer with your boundaries.

As for the sibling/house situation, that's another reason to not go near it (as if you needed another reason apart from giving up your private space to long-term care). I've seen this situation before and it does cause huge rifts between siblings. Afraid with your ILs being so old, it does look like a way to get yourselves a bigger house and muddy the inheritance. Even giving you the benefit of the doubt, it's still a bad idea. Drop it and back off. Just because you're nearby and female doesn't make this your issue to solve.

[Theoldwrinkley]

Think very very very carefully about living with and caring for parents or in-laws. I think it is a 'preferred option' for the older person, but the strain on family life only gets worse as the older person gets more frail. I cannot stress too much how it dominates your whole family dynamic. Obviously it's your situation to cope with, but especially with a financial uncertainty with SIL, then it most definitely won't be easy. Get hubby to help more.

[LizzieSiddal]

but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time.

Why do you “always” have to put your own mum second? Stop it now! Leave your In-laws to your H and you concentrate on your own mum. And do not buy a house with your Inlaws.

[Ladyprehensile]

Just to add, and as a PP mentioned above …

Take advice about the tax and financial implications of any co generational living. It’s a minefield.

When the parents have both passed away & sibling wants share of their estate, how will that be managed?
Don’t do it.

[pinkdelight]

@LizzieSiddal

but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time.

Why do you “always” have to put your own mum second? Stop it now! Leave your In-laws to your H and you concentrate on your own mum. And do not buy a house with your Inlaws.

Edited

Excellent point! How about you always prioritise your mum and yourself and your kids, and worry less about the ILs. Just because they're shouting the loudest, doesn't make them your priority. It's your mum's turn now, and I have a suspicion she won't take the piss quite as much.

[Bonbon21]

No.
Just no.
Forget about all the other issues.
Think about the affect this will have on your kids. Because an arrangement like this will take you away from them, even under the same roof, they will no longer be your priority, there will always be someone needing more of your time.
Let your husband look after his parents as best he can.
You do what you can for your mum.. just dont understand why she is less important than your in-laws!!

But no.. please dont do this.

[DodgeDoggie]

Yes the house needs to be split fairly. Would be ridiculous to do otherwise.

I suggest they buy in (or siblings and DH buys in) gardener/cleaner for his parents. You sort out your mum.

[Gcsunnyside23]

Why are you prioritising your in laws over your own mum? At least they have each other whereas she's on her own. Also your husband needs to step up and so does the sibling who wants it all to be fair. Why don't they come up weekends to do the garden, shopping etc?

[Vroomfondleswaistcoat]

Oh God,no. If you all move in together you will never get a moment's peace. Your ILs will expect you to attend to their every whim, and be at their beck and call 24/7. You have to work? Expect lots of phone calls telling you how FIL is stuck in the shower and MIL needs you home and you have to drop EVERYTHING and you're the only one who knows how the TV recorder/microwave/boiler works and they need you there NOW to make it work.

At least when you live at a distance you can ignore them to an extent, which I think is what you need to do. They can pay people to do what they've got you doing right now. Just because they don't want to, doesn't mean they shouldn't.

[NewName24]

Sounds like an awful idea.

It they lived with us it would be easier for me

I think you are being really naive here.
Look at how demanding they are being at the moment and how much it dominates your lives. If they lived with you - especially funded by them - you would end up indebted to them (literally) and you would be expected to be on call 24/7, 52 weeks a year.

There is no way I'd even consider this, let alone suggest it or try to persuade others to agree.
Not fair on you and 100% not fair on your dc - who it seems your in-laws already think should be 'looking after' their elderly grandparents rather than living their own lives.

Also, of course, unfair on your sibling, in terms of you taking their reasonable expectation of inheritance.

YABVU for so many reasons.

[pizzaHeart]

Agree with all PPs - don’t buy a house with them and generally leave them to deal with their problems. Focus on yourself, your children, your mum and your partner.