People ignoring deceased requests etc - funeral

[Auburngal]

It was my DGM funeral yesterday. She specifically asked for no flowers, bar the coffin spray which my Grandad had for his funeral. Dad was livid (inside) when he saw those tacky (imo) Mum letter flowers and flower cushions in the hearse.

This happened at a funeral of my friend’s gran too.

Then my cousin’s daughter invited her friends who never met my DGM. Plus her half siblings (not related to DGM) and her mum who divorced from cousin c28 years ago.

The funeral was lovely but was tainted by “what are they doing here” folk.

aibu?

Sorry for your loss.

Who arranged for the flowers?

Cousin’s daughter. Aunt done the local stuff as lives half a mile from care home DGM lived in. Dad’s doing the financial stuff

I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

I can understand why you might feel upset when you’re grieving, but flowers are just flowers. Try not to let this cloud your Grandmother's send off. People express their grief in their own ways. They might not have understood it was a ‘no flowers’ funeral, and the flowers although tacky to you might have seemed fitting to them.

As for the other relatives coming, I don’t think you can stop people attending a funeral. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, I don’t know? I’m Irish and funerals are public affairs, anyone can (and usually does) turn up to pay their respects, not just close family. I thought Brits were the same?

It's shit and very disrespectful OP. I am sorry for your loss and sorry that this happened at her funeral.

I don't agree that "flowers are just flowers". If a person specified no flowers at their funeral, the people who ought to have known that really ought to have respected that. Following somebody's requests about their funeral is one of the last things we can do for them, so I can see why her son was unhappy about it.

See this is why my mum has asked for straight to cremation, it will cut all this shite out.

Categorically NO funeral, no people, no coffin, no flowers, no people who other people disapprove of, no “family” get together pretending to get along and like each other. Non of it and I think that’s a bloody great plan.

People/families are a bastard nightmare.

Seems odd that the cousin’s daughter’s friends would want to attend the funeral of an old lady they’d never met. It’s not exactly a fun day out, is it?

Also, how did all the ‘tacky’ flowers get into the hearse? This would have been controlled by the funeral directors.

Are you quite sure of your facts here?

I think a funeral is also for those who are left. I went to one that said absolutely no black to be worn and all colourful clothing. Older people saw this as disrespectful and went in black. The funeral directors were in black. I suppose it's disappointing for the family that instructions weren't followed but if people feel they want to send flowers then that is down to them and I wouldn't dwell on it.

You'd think. Mum asked for exactly the same, and we got complaints about there not being a funeral. You can't win.

(we did exactly as she asked though).

A recent family bereavement the undertaker acted on the decisions of the next of kin only.

The deceased was our son, the next of kin, his wife.

Some arrangements were changed by his wife, something the undertaker advised was her right, despite it not being our wishes. ( accepted by us as her right too).

@Auburngal Did the next of kin agree for the extra flowers to be in the hearse - have the undertaker acted correctly?

I completely respect everybody's right to have their personal wishes carried out after their own death. Those left behind ought to respect their wishes, I think.

I had two relatives (married couple) who each insisted on not having a funeral when their time came. It did feel very odd and somehow unfinished, not to hold the familiar funeral rituals to celebrate their lives and say goodbye.

As I said though, it was totally their right to request no service and our family did as asked.

One of the many reasons I'm having a direct cremation. What a waste of money flowers etc are. All for show.

@AuntieMarys "All for show".

Do you think there is any understandable element involved regarding providing comfort to those left behind?

Obviously not when it goes against the directly expressed wishes of the deceased, though.

I want all the flowers, the more the better. They add a bit of cheer to a miserable occasion.

Mum wants the same. At least most of the people she doesn’t want at her funeral are no longer with us!

I probably want the same as once my parents are gone, it’s just me. I don’t send birthday cards to the other family mentioned in the op

Funerals are for the living to come to terms with losing their lived ones. Whatever helps them surely?

That should say loved ones.

Direct cremation. Me too. Sorting out Will and probate quite enough hassle for DSs

Also, how did all the ‘tacky’ flowers get into the hearse? This would have been controlled by the funeral directors .Are you quite sure of your facts here?

I was wondering this. Usually whoever arranges the funeral sorts out whether it's family flowers only/donations in lieu etc and the funeral directors will act accordingly. If you specified no flowers in the hearse, there shouldn't have been any.

Exactly.

People trying to control their own funerals baffle me.
It’s far more important that the living can say goodbye in the best way for them.

My dc can do as they please, I’ll be dead so it won’t bother me.

Probably as missing out on free food! Cousin and family went to DGM’s sister’s funeral 5 years ago. Not seen her for a good 20 years. They cleared the buffet. I didn’t go to that funeral as it was on my day in at work. Work will only give us the day or two off if it’s (great) grandparents, parents, siblings, children. Not for great aunts!

When my other grandmother died - my then employer only gave me the day of the funeral. They didn’t believe me that I could have family living 220 miles away. As 99% of employees have family living nearby! I had to fight it esp when the funeral was I think was 10:30am. I didn’t have a car then and I changed trains twice. On the way back home, my parents took me as funeral was on Friday

I think funerals are more for those left behind. The ritual is to help with the grieving process.

We didn’t follow my mum’s wishes completely, because it would have caused us huge distress, embarrassment and shame to follow all her instructions. we were there, and she wasn’t!
I think the issue for you and your dad is that your aunt and cousin didn’t discuss it with him and come to a shared agreement.

Agree with this my mum has requested this too and for immediate family only to go for a meal out to celebrate her life.

Totally agree. Respect is respect, more like. Especially as flowers at funerals as cushions or reefs, etc, are all arranged on polystirene bases- which my mum specifically did NOT want as it is so bad environmentally- and with flowers that have been grown on the other side of the world and flown over. She asked me to pick a simple bouquet of meadow flowers - everyone respected her wishes.

But is it what you really want?