People ignoring deceased requests etc - funeral

[Auburngal]

It was my DGM funeral yesterday. She specifically asked for no flowers, bar the coffin spray which my Grandad had for his funeral. Dad was livid (inside) when he saw those tacky (imo) Mum letter flowers and flower cushions in the hearse.

This happened at a funeral of my friend’s gran too.

Then my cousin’s daughter invited her friends who never met my DGM. Plus her half siblings (not related to DGM) and her mum who divorced from cousin c28 years ago.

The funeral was lovely but was tainted by “what are they doing here” folk.

aibu?

Why? Surely the Aunt & cousin have every right to make decisions. They're equal in this to the OP & her Dad.

Thanks @Lovingitallnow - I misread it.

Apology accepted

So annoying to go against the wishes of the dear departed. I however want a big funeral, flowers, black clothes, you absolutely WILL mourn me 🤣

Narcissism? Wow.

So it’s the deceased’s daughter and her daughter who have made the funeral arrangements.

But the deceased’s son and his daughter aren’t happy because they don’t think the arrangements reflect the wishes of the deceased.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other, probably. The son saying he’s doing the financials is a fairly typical man’s cop out from doing all the painful stuff: clearing out the room at the care home; talking to the funeral directors; all those decisions relating to the funeral; all the times you have to talk to people while holding back tears.

Bit cheeky to avoid all that but then complain about how it was done.

@HeddaGarbled my parents and aunt cleared out the room in the CH.

She lived in the CH for 15-16 months.

My parents cleared out her housing association property of the small things and food. My aunt would have chucked everything in the bin. She took responsibility of getting rid of the larger items- charity shop, council for bulky waste plus a couple of the newer items went to family.

What food we didn’t eat went to food bank

Seriously, OP, let this go. Your aunt has lost her mum. Cut her some slack. Throwing away food when her mum has just gone into a care home is not the crime of the century. Leave her be.

I think a funeral is also for those who are left.

Agree with this.

Surely it depends on the nature of the relationship with the person who died whether you feel like you are being respectful following their wishes or whether you feel like the deceased is being controlling from beyond the grave.

OP, who permitted the extra flowers? You haven't answered that.

Either your dad allowed it, or the funeral directors contravened instructions.

Sorry for your loss

Was the funeral director told that the only flowers were to be the coffin spray?
Having worked for a funeral director, we regularly had flowers delivered to us in addition to what the next of kin had organised. Without an instruction from the family to the contrary, we would put them in the hearse.

I don't think they're a waste of money.
It's part of the tradition and culture for many people.

People on here have said previously on threads ignore what the deceased wants it is about the living

I find that rude

Well, we can agree to disagree here. I also think it is a waste of money, and terrible for the environment. Fancy wood from tropical forest, silk and precious metals for handles, etc. Polystirene bases for flower wreathes, etc.

But it is a personal choice, and the wishes of the deceased should be 100% respected.

Sometimes people go to a funeral because they want to support a friend who is grieving. It's not always about knowing the deceased.

Why shouldn't your aunt add her own flowers? I think that's entirely her perogative. And friends going seems fine to me. I've been to the funerals of friends' grandparents. Part of supporting them.

I think that’s a very naive, and slightly harsh, way of looking at it. When someone dies, especially if unexpected or suddenly, you’re thrown into organising a funeral at short notice and face a week or two of what seem like endless decisions. Just when you’re not really in a state to think rationally at all. You try the best you can to make the right decisions, but you will make mistakes. You’ll do things that made sense to you at the time, but that when you look back you’ll ask yourself ‘why did I do that’

My husband died suddenly. I know what his favourite flowers were. I also know they were out of season in October, when he died. So he didn’t get them. I know that he’d expressed a desire to be buried, though there was no definitive instruction. As a lifetime atheist, and with his parents being very lapsed Catholics, we found the thought of trying to organise a burial just too daunting, good though the funeral director was. So he was cremated. I rationalise it on the basis that I know full well had the boot been on the other foot he’d have done what suited him!

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. I know, when all is said and done, that while the funeral might not have been what he’d thought he wanted, he would have wholeheartedly approved of what I actually organised. And even if there are details I’m wrong about (which of course I’ll never know) I also know that he’d understand why I did what I did, and certainly wouldn’t hold it against me.

I agree entirely. We are talking about a daughter and her dead mother. The OP, while a relative, is not the daughter of the deceased and so is not in a position to claim any moral high ground, in my opinion.

On the throwing food away front…who cares? The day my husband died I threw away some of his clothes. They were in the laundry to be washed, and I thought ‘well, there’s no point washing them now’ and binned them. It was an entirely rational decision in the moment, but with hindsight I am slightly shocked at my action! But, I was on autopilot so I’m not going to beat myself up over it.

Funerals are for those that are still living to grieve, get sone closer, celebrate the life of the deceased. So, if it gives someone comfort by having a "tacky" flower arrangement - so be it

As a relative who has faced loss and grief without a funeral, and more importantly without any ceremony or celebration to mark the life of someone who I loved I think you might be being unreasonable. Although I know it is judged, I believe that funerals are for the living.
Flowers- a final act of love I imagine. Not tacky to those who chose them.
Other people at a funeral. Surely it is nice that these folk wanted to show their respects.

But you are grieving. I am so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself, but do remember that everyone grieves differently and it can be so hard to accept that.

A friend's colleague took their own life. The deceased requested a letter be read out at their funeral which included a vicious diatribe blaming several of the attendees for their death. Imagine the trauma those poor people will have to live with now. There are definitely circumstances where it's appropriate to ignore the wishes of the deceased. Especially when you believe they weren't in their right mind when they expressed those wishes. I wouldn't want the last act of my loved one to be to spread more anger into the world.

My df had the view that funerals were a waste of money and that we should wrap his body in a black bin bag and take it down the tip (he was fully aware this would not happen even if such a thing were legal!). My dm made the arrangements she wanted and dsis and I followed her wishes. When her time comes I know she wants a non-religious service at the local crem with family flowers only. This will be honoured. She did not have a memorial plaque for my dad preferring to buy flowers each week in his memory and has stated that she is fed up of visiting graveyards and the crematorium to put flowers for her parents, sibling and in laws. Dsis and I would prefer a plaque and when she dies will arrange for a joint one for her and our dad. Neither of us has mentioned this to her.

It was the same at GM funeral. GM didn’t want flowers did like the waste of them rotting away. She wanted flower money to go to charity. My cousin turned up with massive almost comical bouquet. She lived in the same town but never visited GM.

Which just goes to show that you can’t dictate how people spend their own money, especially after you’re dead.