People ignoring deceased requests etc - funeral

[Auburngal]

It was my DGM funeral yesterday. She specifically asked for no flowers, bar the coffin spray which my Grandad had for his funeral. Dad was livid (inside) when he saw those tacky (imo) Mum letter flowers and flower cushions in the hearse.

This happened at a funeral of my friend’s gran too.

Then my cousin’s daughter invited her friends who never met my DGM. Plus her half siblings (not related to DGM) and her mum who divorced from cousin c28 years ago.

The funeral was lovely but was tainted by “what are they doing here” folk.

aibu?

We had this at a family member's funeral. A non-family member's flowers ended up on the coffin which was quite upsetting for the family.

This is just so so wrong. HER wishes, how you felt about it was totally irrelevant. What lack of respect.

Whoever arranged the funeral with the funeral directors gave permission for the flowers to be included in the hearse, they wouldn’t just put them in there, your dad should have really been part of that process if he wanted to make sure it all went as her wishes.

i don’t like funeral flowers personally, as I see them as an utter waste of money, but some people feel they need to do it as a mark of respect, or a final mark of “you can’t tell us what to do!”.

I've opted for a direct cremation after my first choice (leaving my body to the local teaching hospital) fell through.

My only caveat was that if my only child (adult) felt the need for some ceremony, she should do whatever she felt might ease her distress.

Why though?

I do not understand this level of control over a funeral.
Did it really matter?
The funeral directors at fil’s funeral put the wrong date of death on the memorial cards.
We didn’t get upset, these things happen.
They printed new ones at more expense to themselves.

I think it's controlling and selfish to dictate to your family what they do after your death. The final act of narcissism.

All us children were at the meeting with the funeral director planning my Dad's funeral but I thought if was really nice that he phoned my mum the next day 'just to check the arrangements'. She confirmed what had been discussed but I appreciated that she had the chance to change anything if she wanted or felt we had pushed our views. Final arrangements are totally up to the next of kin.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. If the wishes of the deceased person for their funeral have been made known, I don't think there is anything much more disrespectful anyone can do than ignore what they wanted.

I don't agree with the flowers, but people are allowed to grieve in their own ways and if brining friends for support helps them it doesn't harm anyone

Did your cousin's daughter really buy a wreath for your mum, that says MUM? That's weird! Why would she do that?

Sorry for your loss 💐

You have no idea…..what she asked for would have had significant consequences
for many people. Don’t judge what you know nothing about.

Surely it depends on what those wishes are.

My df wants his body flown to another country. I’ve been very clear that I will not be arranging any such thing and he’s now opted for his ashes to be sent.

Dying Isn’t a free pass to control your family one last time.

I have been called names for this in the past (once called a psychopath which i thought a bit ott but what can you do 😄) but imo it really doesn't matter what the deceased wanted because they're dead. They know nothing about it.

What matters is they felt assured in life that they'd get what they wanted at their funeral. If that means saying yes to something you know you won't do then fair enough. They won't know the difference.

When they are dead, the only feelings left to consider are the feelings of their loved ones and ideally they should get together and agree what would give them most comfort. This may well be and often is following the deceased's wishes or it may be doing something different and if that's the case it doesn't make sense to follow the wishes of a dead person who won't know about it over the wishes of living people who do.

@SignoraVolpe When the deceased has asked for specific flowers, it is very upsetting to see an arrangement in completely different colours and style to what was wanted. It feels like the person has completely disregarded not only the family's wishes, but the deceased wishes too.

I have specified to my children that I want a simple bunch of wildflowers on top of my compostable coffin - no unsustainable materials used in the arrangement etc. I don't think I am being unreasonable to expect everyone to respect my wishes.

My good friend travelled all the way from London to New York state when her father died. She has a step mum and two siblings in the US. They arranged precisely zero for his funeral, nothing. She felt she might as well have not bothered.

I think the issue for you and your dad is that your aunt and cousin didn’t discuss it with him and come to a shared agreement

What @cloudglazer ????? It's not up to cousin to come to a shared agreement FFS
It's up to OP and her dad.

A funeral is always a balancing act between what the deceased wants and what the people who are grieving want to help them get through a tough few days.

My Partner left his body to the LSA. It was his long standing wish. It caused me great distress. My Mother died. There was some confusion about her wishes (she told me she wanted a proper burial & indeed had a paid up Funeral Plan. My half brother claims she wanted an unattended direct cremation & convinced her elderly husband to agree. It was awful. She was taken to a 'hub' 200m away, cremated over a '72 hour window' & posted back in a cardboard box which got stuck in the Royal Mail strike.
Both my young people have ASD. I would prefer my ashes to be scattered in a very particular place. My Dd would prefer a burial so she process it better. I will pay up a plan & leave instructions. To include that she must do what is easiest for her when the time comes.

NOT AT ALL - it is about respect for the person who makes choices. If children and close relatives can't have the decency to respect their wishes- this is so wrong.

Why? The aunt who organised it was presumably her daughter, and her cousin also her grand daughter.

But surely that was an error rather than a disregard.

I’m sure your wishes will be respected because they’re reasonable.

It wouldn’t be reasonable for me to prevent my dc having a ceremony for me when I die because dd especially would be distraught.
However I really couldn’t care less about a full blown funeral and I’ll be leaving it up to them.
Wild flowers would be nice though.

Same here- and I know my adult children will respect my wishes. What sort of adult children would not respect the deceased wishes? Why would they want to control and distort wishes, as some sort of 'revenge'.

So wrong, so weird.

How bloody rude!! They're not 'just for show' they can be important to the family. My Dad had a spray on his coffin from my Mum Brother SIL & me. The undertaker who led the pall bearers in carried a Teddy bear of flowers. They were on behalf of his 2 young grand daughters who had just lost their adored Grandpa. It was also to illustrate one of his proudest roles in life - being a Grandpa. They were important for us. They most certainly were not 'just for show'

Edit .... I misread OP and thought it was OP's DM.

@SofaSpuds its the ops cousin not the Dgm's cousin. The cousin is also a grandchild- same as op. Why else would the aunt have gotten mum written in flowers? Because she's the daughter of the deceased. The op is giving out about a great grand-daughters friends coming to support her.

So deceased (dgm) has a son and daughter- the ops father and aunt. The cousin is the aunts daughter- a grandchild just like the op.