People ignoring deceased requests etc - funeral

[Auburngal]

It was my DGM funeral yesterday. She specifically asked for no flowers, bar the coffin spray which my Grandad had for his funeral. Dad was livid (inside) when he saw those tacky (imo) Mum letter flowers and flower cushions in the hearse.

This happened at a funeral of my friend’s gran too.

Then my cousin’s daughter invited her friends who never met my DGM. Plus her half siblings (not related to DGM) and her mum who divorced from cousin c28 years ago.

The funeral was lovely but was tainted by “what are they doing here” folk.

aibu?

@Tryingtokeepgoing

I'm hop you will able to change your name to ‘ keep going onwards’ soon 💐

We requested no flowers for my Dad’s funeral and donations to a very meaningful cause in lieu of flowers. My Dad’s friends had some lovely flowers made up regardless, and I found them very touching.

We also said we’d prefer not to see everyone in black but still people came in black, and that was fine as it was just nice (if anything about the whole thing could have been nice at all) to see everyone who loved him in one place. They could’ve come in their pyjamas and I wouldn’t have cared!

Funerals are for the living, really.

And a bagpiper. I want a bagpiper.

OP said it was her cousin's daughter. Presumably in consultation with the aunt (cousin's mother), who presumably was the DGM's own daughter.

It sounds to me as though DGM asked for no flowers, her son (OP's dad) followed this wish and her daughter (OP's aunt) wished to add some more.

most of the time I see people upset that the friend of the hairdressers 3rd cousin didn’t show up to the funeral.

Or that more people didn’t send flowers.

my mother on the other hand, felt the same way. She only wanted her nearest and dearest in attendance. She didn’t want people sending flowers. So we held her memorial at a private venue by invitation only. We had complete control over everything that way which is very different than having a church service. It was also just a really nice, personalized gathering

I went to a funeral of my friends mum. I had met her mum a handful of times. I was there to support my friend. She asked me to come. It is normal for people struggling to ask people to attend to support them.

It sounds like the daughter or granddaughter organised the funeral? Maybe your gran had said something different to them about what they wanted?

Maybe my bar is set really low but I would just be happy people had turned up and paid their respects. I have been to funerals where virtually nobody outside the immediate family turned up.

These sort of things seem so, so important when grief is new and raw.
I think grief often sends us slightly mad.
In time, I think, it is possible to rationalise contentious issues and come to the conclusion that in the scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.
Sorry for your loss OP.

Funerals are for the grieving not for the deceased. Presumably the "mum" flowers are from a child of the deceased so a very close relative. They should be able to grieve in whatever way they want and if that means they want flowers then that's up to them. If you want to "respect the deceased's wishes" as your way of grieving and saying goodbye, then you do that. It's not up to you or anyone else what others decide to do and there's little point getting angry about it. I am sure family disagreement and fall outs is the last thing the deceased would have wanted.

Describing any funeral flowers as "tacky" is also not very nice. They obviously meant a great deal to the person who bought them.

Sorry for your loss 💐

Well I think your DGM's wishes regarding flowers should have been respected, but at the end of the day they are only flowers and she doesn't know about them.

As for the funeral attendees, well surely anyone is allowed to attend a funeral if it isn't a private one? Once again, does it really matter? Going to a funeral is not a fun day out so surely they must have gone to pay their respects to your DGM. It doesn't matter if they knew her or not, people generally attend either because they knew the deceased, or they go to support family members.

I never understand all this angst on MN about people who shouldn't be going to someone's funeral. Most people I know IRL are pleased to see a good variety of people there.

It’s possible that the “No flowers” directive didn’t get as far as the people who sent the flowers - things often get mangled in the telling and family often rely on verbal messages rather than reading formal notices when it comes to funeral.

But I think funerals are for those who were left behind, and if it helps the living grieve to send flowers, then it’s okay for them to send flowers. It gets tricky when views on what should happen differ between grievers. And one thing upsets another. The circle of grief gives a reasonable starting point for an order of precedence, but if it’s between a spouse and children (I know you said great-grandchildren(?) arranged the flowers but they seem to have been on behalf of the deceased’s daughter?) I think there just needs to be some acceptance of difference.

It’s easy to focus the anger of grief at others, but doing so harms us in the end.

Personally I have found the process of organising the funerals of both my parents to be an important part of the grieving process.
For my Mum it brought us 5 children and my dad together in a way we had never been before. After sitting by her bedside for 10 days as she died, continuing that closeness but with the focus on laying her to rest brings me great comfort.
I think if we'd been left to get on with our lives because she wished to be directly cremated I would have felt very isolated, lost and sad.
This thread has prompted me to talk to my children about my own wishes.

I learned it has nothing to do with the deceased person's wishes. MIL didn't want a huge funeral, no flowers except a small arrangement of her favourite flowers. She wasn't even gone & DH, SIL & FIL were booking the whole funeral package . I was told it wasn't MIL's choice!!!

With just about everything else she wanted, her wishes were ignored.

I loathed the woman, but still felt sorry for her.

Why? Their life in which they made choices, their death, where their choices die with them. Have the damn curtesy to accept and act upon those
Those who are left should find their own way of grieving rather than what thet percieve to be fitting, or indulging their needs
Those who doesn't resect a dead person's wishes ("because they are dead and thus don't know") are appalling

Sorry to read of your loss.

My opinion is that the deceased wishes should have been respected. A funeral should be where anyone who wishes to attend can do so.

Personally I have found the process of organising the funerals of both my parents to be an important part of the grieving process.

This was so true for me and my siblings. Both of my parents left instructions as to their wishes, and we followed them to the letter. Carrying out their wishes (as opposed to what any of us might have preferred) was in itself an important stage of the grieving process.

My Mum's funeral was very recent (February). She had asked for a cremation, two specific pieces of music, donations (if any were forthcoming) to her chosen charity and a non-religious service. She didn't need to ask for that last one - we knew! The rest of it was up to my brother and me. We chose a willow casket and one posey of flowers. We spent a few thousand on a family gathering and catering. It was fitting and the usual happy/sad occasion.

I will make similar loose requests from my children. I think generally they should see me off however they see fit.

If anyone in my family sabotages my death plans for a silent uneventful cremation I will rise from the dead like a zombie and eat the bastards. I hate a fuss. I hate attention and I've been through enough horrific funerals to know how painful they can be. Thank God I only have a husband and son, the rest of my family are gone.