Have been uninvited

[FriendDilemma24]

Have name changed for this.

So, L and I, friends since school, now in our 40s. I’d do anything for her and she knows it.
We used to live near each other (London) and see each other all the time. Then she met a man and they now have two children. When she was pregnant with their first, they moved up North to be near her mum.
I still see her, she comes to London a couple of times a year for work, and I visit her and her DH & DCs whenever I’m invited.
Anyway, they’re now getting married and I got an invite to a party they’re planning afterwards. I said I’d love to go. Then I get a message saying it turns out that none of her other London friends can make it so it’s just local friends so I won’t know anyone so can we do something separate instead?
I’m so hurt. How do I respond to her? This is my best friend. I’d literally do anything for her! And she’s just uninvited me from her wedding party. AIBU to be upset?

She is your best friend, you aren't hers.
Just say no worries and lick your wounds privately. No need to bother making the effort if she doesn't want you there.

Focus your energy on making new friends who care for you the way you do them.

Thank you. That hurts to hear but I know you’re right.

It's not unreasonable to be upset - I think most people would be when they find out that their best friend has moved on and you've been a bit downgraded into the friend in London category. Of course that's upsetting.

However, onwards and upwards. You know now, so the rest is up to you. I'd demote her to the same level of friend that she sees you as, no rancour, do whatever suits you with regard to meeting and keeping in touch but I wouldn't especially put myself out.

I honestly would make myself unavailable until I felt able to communicate with her without feeling hurt. Just send a blasé message and back right off!

Well it's her choice but if you would have been happy to go without knowing many people then I get why you're a bit wtf about it.

It must sting but does she have a point? Hosting a party where someone/ people don’t know anyone is quite awkward. It’s awkward to attend too- I went to a party where I knew nobody other than DH recently and we stayed a couple of hours for politeness sake and scarpered.

Be gracious and have a fabulous boozy lunch together or whatever floats your boat. You might enjoy it more.

Maybe I should look at it this way. Tbh I wouldn’t know anyone there, but I’m quite sociable and she knows this!

I can see both sides. I'd back off for a bit and let her contact you. Sounds like you are the better friend.

I'm reading it that she thought she was doing you a favour

However I'd have been happier if she gave me an option eg no londoners coming so if you prefer we could just have a v special day just the two of us but if you still want to come I'd be delighted

I honestly think that was possibly where she might have been coming from x

Are you sure she's your best friend? Or is this an outdated title to afford her?

It shouldn't matter that you won't know anyone - that's pretty common when it comes to wedding parties. To redact an invite like that is incredibly rude and I'm be very hurt. Just reply 'OK' and leave her to it. Selfish cow.

Well this is a bit shit. Particularly since she knows you are sociable and presumably able to handle yourself in social situations.

I can't imagine withdrawing an invitation in these circumstances. Fair enough to give you a heads up 'you won't know people, what do you think - do you still fancy it?' And leave it to you to decide.

But to cancel your invitation altogether - it's just plain rude.

Time to reframe this relationship - she's not your closest friend any more, things have changed, put your efforts into new relationships.

Are you invited to the actual wedding? Or just the party afterwards?

Did she literally say don't come, or is she giving you the option?

That wording could be interpreted either way really.

I would probably call so there's no miscommunication.

Either way I would arrange something, just because life has got in the way and you're maybe no longer best friends, it doesn't mean you should totally cut off a friendship.

i was wondering this too?

Just the party. But the wedding is very small so wouldn’t expect to be invited to that.

You're not her best friend if you aren't even invited to the wedding that's a certainty

I mean, I don’t think any friends are invited. It’s literally just a handful of family members.

Yeah I would distance myself from her for a while. Firstly because she's done a hurtful thing and secondly because if you do decide to meet up it's better to do it when the dust has settled and emotions aren't running as high.

I would respond with a short message along the lines of 'ok no worries, hope you enjoy the party'.

She sort of said would it be okay to do something separately, so she gets to see more of me but I feel like it’s just an excuse because she doesn’t want me there. I mean she wasn’t going to see any more of me if her other ‘London’ friends were going, and the only thing that’s changed is that they can’t make it.

If the friendship is as important as you say then I would be honest about how you’re feeling and take it from there. Distancing yourself without giving her real insight to your feelings and a chance to respond could ruin a friendship that could very well be sorted out with good communication.

I don't think you are unreasonable for being upset, but I don't think she has necessarily "downgraded" you.

I moved from a large city many years ago and - although I stay in touch with a few people - I have only one friend I was still close enough to, to invite to my wedding.

When I sent out invitations, she called me to say that she would feel anxious about being at a wedding where I was the only person she knew and asked if she could come and spend some time with us on another occasion to celebrate our marriage (which I was very happy to do).

I know it's the other way round and it's your friend who has made the suggestion, but I wonder if she had the same thoughts. Do you want to go to a party where you don't know anyone? Wouldn't you rather spend some proper time with your friend?

The background information you have provided doesn't suggest to me that she has any evil intent.

This.

This is a fair point. I haven’t known how to respond so haven’t but perhaps she’s wondering why she’s not heard from me.

Hmm not sure this is as bad as it seems though you are reasonable to feel hurt.

You are an old friend but seems she has a local group and it is much easier hosting a group that all know each other and will bugger off when the party is over. With you there she needs to host you the whole weekend and “look after” you as you likely won’t know anyone at the party. Also you won’t be able to properly catch up as she would be so distracted.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I personally thought it was very common to not know people at a wedding and if you were so close before, I don't see why she would think you wouldn't want to go to her wedding. If you're sociable like you said and she knows this, I don't understand why she didn't give you an option, eg. "look, heads up you won't know anyone so I understand if you prefer not to come but come if you still want to!" type thing. But as someone posted previously, unfortunately it's likely you aren't her best friend now and she probably wouldn't do anything for you as you would for her so that's why she could so easily uninvite you.

I'm quite petty but I'd probably reply with "Right." or "I see." then leave it and DO NOT attempt to organise the "something else instead" event because she clearly said it just to brush you off.