To say it's not really my problem that my friend chose to have two children

[Fruitystones]

DD10 is an only child. I'm close friends with the parents of her two oldest friends. They have multiple children. I would say my household income is the highest out of the three of us, although we're not rich at all. One of the two friends will always make comments about how it's unfair DD gets "so much". It will come up in passing or she'll see me post a picture and she will message.This has been going on for years, since I was a single mum on benefits (she was as well), and I've finally hit a point where I'm a bit sick of it,

Previous complaints have included -

DD had a bigger bedroom than her girls (she doesn't in our current home)

We take DD for a weekend away on her birthday and she can't do that with her girls

When they were little it was that it was that DD had a party at a "better" soft play to her DD.

DD has her own Nintendo switch when her kids have to share one

It's not fair that I get "time off parenting" in the holidays because DD goes to her grandparents for a few days.

It's not fair I got to move to the southwest and she'll be stuck in the north forever

There have been loads more, but these are the ones that spring to mind.

AIBU to gently point out that it's not my problem that she chose to have two children and has to split her resources accordingly next time she does this?

Also, in case it's relevant - DH and I don't have more children for multiple reasons. We found out he is infertile a couple of years ago. DD is from a previous relationship, I had her in my late teens. Prior to finding out, DH and I decided we didn't want to explore having more children until we had bought a house and settled. We should hopefully buy in 12-18 months when we're in our early 30s, and then we'll explore fertility treatment if it's still something we want.

It would appear your friend is slightly envious of your life and also the choices you made vs hers.

You should feel happy and support other mothers in all walks of life not condemn them for what appears to be happiness and a sense of being able to provide for your child. Just give her company a wide birth she doesn’t need anymore air time in making you feel like your lesser or spoiling your child.

Bin her negativity off!

@Fruitystones YANBU Comparison is the thief of joy. Remind her of that, and it’s not just her joy it’s your joy too. When she is comparing herself to you it makes it hard to enjoy her company.

I don’t think you need to make a big deal of it. Just agree with her and move on to the next topic. Who cares if she’s jealous of you. I doubt she really is. As you say. This is just her behaviour. She’s probably like that with everyone. It doesn’t mean she’s rather have what you have. She’s the incredibly fortunate to have two children. That far outweighs any material gain. Just laugh and move on.

I have one kid and no one I know with multiple children has ever examined her bedroom and made a comment about the size. Also the Nintendo switch, there’s no alternative to your daughter having one by herself so it seems an unusual thing to comment about. I would also add the weekend away, taking two kids for a weekend isn’t that much more expensive if everyone is in one hotel room. It sounds like your friend is probably a wee bit depressed looking for things to feel sad about.

It's unacceptable to make bitchy jealous comments about your friends' material possessions or lifestyle, regardless of how many kids anyone has.

I'd always try (don't know why MN doesn't suggest this more) to talk to a friend in person rather than send texts/ring them.

Whenever I've had friends (one of them!) and my half sister say "I don't want to see you in person because of your reaction" - well yes, I can let rip at people if they've done me wrong, but I'm also capable of being polite, civil and reasonable, particularly if it comes to resolving a disagreement. I respect people far more if they suggest that rather than hiding behind emails/texts/phone calls.

Yes but as I said before, there's no harm in saying to this friend quietly - this is affecting me and our friendship and I don't like what you're saying/how you're behaving towards me, it upsets me. So what if other friends have to put up with it? OP doesn't have to put up with it and has the right to challenge this behaviour and say its upsetting her and if necessary give the reasons why.

I would reply "that's why we decided to have one child and not two"

Yes, but this woman moaned all the time about it, to anyone who'd care to listen. "Oh I wish I'd never had twins and another child, it's so hard". I had to listen to her once when we were on speaking terms and it was mostly her complaining.

Thank you for giving me this view. I appreciate your perspective. Apologies for the long reply; I wanted to answer properly. First, I wouldn't want to phrase it how you put it. I don't want to hurt her. I just want to make her see some sense.

I think a lot of my frustration lies in the fact that this has been going on since we were both single parents, and things were really difficult for both of us.

She knows things haven't been easy since we moved; I talk about the bad as much as the good. She knows I was forced to quit work due to an ongoing health problem; she knows we've really struggled with DD and finding the right support for her additional needs, etc. But she also knows about positives, such as the fact DH and I had a micro wedding (we only had 9 guests including DD). I don't talk about days out anymore because there will be comments even if it's a free day out. Even talking about swimming lessons garnered a complaint because it's unfair I can pay for 1:1 sessions. I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from snapping that I only do it because DD needs to swim and struggled in a large group at that point.

My social media updates are a mixture of things; at the minute, most posts are about my frustrations trying to navigate the education system with a disabled child. Friend knows about past struggles because she's known us since DD was three. DD has had two open-heart surgeries as a baby and needs another in 4 years; she knows DD was tube-fed for the first two years of her life. She knows that I had to move out when I fell pregnant and that there were many times I couldn't do things because I didn't have childcare. I had little to no physical support until DD was 5/6, and my mum would visit for the weekend and take her to a hotel. It's only in the last year or two that DD has had 5-night stints. Prior to this, I would go with DD as my mum struggled to manage her additional needs.

Friend's parents live a two-minute walk away, have both her girls for an evening a week, and have them for the odd sleepover. When she had her second daughter and struggled, she was allowed to move back home; her ex also sees the girls for 2 nights a week.

Both DD's Skype, which is how the friend knows about DD staying with my mum. Her daughter noticed it was a different bedroom. She then asked what DD had done that day. She knows DD has a Switch because the girls play Mario and Animal Crossing together.

We're actually moving soon because DH got a new job, as living in the South West isn't feasible for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to my health, DD's education, and cost.

FWIW when I say we have the highest income, we're not rich by any means. Our household income is under £40,000. We rent a small 2-bed flat, and DD's current bedroom is essentially a boxroom. When we lived near my friend, we both had small two-bed terraces. DD's bedroom was only bigger because I swapped with her to give her more space. She chose not to make that choice.

We go on one staycation a year, and DD gets a birthday weekend away because she can't cope with parties. I had a nosey, and our weekend away last year probably cost about £15 more than the party friend held for her DD.

I've spoken to her gently before, where I basically asked her if anything was wrong because she seems really unhappy with her life and seems to make a lot of comparisons between her children and DD. She is always adamant her life is fine, and that she doesn't complain. I suppose I just want to put it bluntly and say "I only have 1DD so she literally can't share. It's not my problem or responsibility that you have two DD and they have to share or have less sometimes, especially because they have plenty of things my Dd doesn't have" if that makes sense.

Got ya. In that case I'd say something pretty direct to her.

I wouldn't immediately end friendship or anything quite so drastic at the start because as you say - a good friend in other ways.

But if it's getting to the stage where you'll pull away from the friendship then may as well be honest.

I hope, if you want a second child that you get your dream. 😊

First answer by @JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls nailed it.
Luckily you can choose your friends.

If she's saying this to your face I dread to think what she could be saying behind your back. A relative of mine is like this, she bemoans how lucky I am that my sons dad is in his life and is supportive and I get time off every other weekend (despite the fact he walked out on us when DS was 2).

The fact is that she decided to have a child with a man she barely knew after a one night stand. I just don't speak to her anymore. I cannot be bothered with anyone projecting their poor life choices onto me.

She’s out of order to say this if you have one child solely by choice, but to say it when you have fertility problems is outrageous (unless she doesn’t know, apologies if I missed this in the thread). Having 2DC is obviously more financially complex than one. She does sound rather jealous.

You are not being unreasonable at all. This would drive me nuts. I get this here and there my dd is also an only. I had someone tell me she was she's spoiled by too many holidays. But to do this constantly is just ridiculous. She's too busy being jealous to see any good in her situation and being petty.

I think id explore the why in context - so for instance if she brought this one up in conversation We take DD for a weekend away on her birthday and she can't do that with her girls; I'd kinda shake my head and ask her what she was expecting from the exchange?
Is she just venting that she wishes her life was different?
Is she fishing for an invite for you to pay for her DD to come along on your trips?
Is she just moaning and wants nothing from the exchange but is just making conversation and possibly she didn't see it as moaning?

Depending on what her answer is then gives me more an idea how to progress. Until you know her driver - you cant decide how to deal with it.

We didn't choose it though. DH is completely infertile and she knows it. Which is probably a huge factor in why her comments get to me so much.

This is how many in the UK are these days. Always coveting the other's property under the guise of equality and fairness.

YANBU! I have one DD 11 and she's had friends fall out with her because they are jealous that she's an only child and has her own room/belongings that she doesn't have to share with a sibling!

I don't think it's fishing for compliments because when we lived closer to each other, I was living below the poverty line and didn't really go on any trips away beyond my grans caravan or my mum's house. Most of our nice day trips now are to beaches as we live in a part of the south west thats basically an hour away from various beaches in Devon, Cornwall and Dorset

I honestly think she just can't see the woods for the trees. Because she's completely oblivious to what she does have and genuinely doesn't recognise she's complaining when people pull her up on it. She seems genuinely unable to see some things are about choices and priorities rather than fairness. I.e. DD chooses a weekend away as opposed to a party. I do wonder if it is just her way of carrying a conversation on but it's bloody annoying because I don't whinge about anything she does that I can't do 🤷🏽‍♀️

Make a point of identifying those who are the only child of their parents and encourage friendships with them.

Maybe the next tack is to act super offended... so the next time she brings something up like above you go on the offensive - "you do actually remember my husband is infertile and we have been unable to have more children, it's very offensive to me that you don't seem to realise we would have more children if we could"

Maybe this may be the trigger for her to be shocked into silence...

Would crying on command be going too far? I feel like she'd be oblivious to words 🫣

I'd respond in like -

"My dc have to share a switch"

"That's because you have two kids and I have one"

"Your dc had a better party"

"That's because you have to pay for two party's and I pay for one"

Or I'd grey rock it.

Honestly, that's what I'd do. Say all that and be clearly distressed.

"Your DD is so lucky to have a Nintendo to herself"

"Your children are lucky to have siblings to play with. As you well know, that's something that she will never have, and a sadness I live with daily. I'm not sure why you're the one complaining here"

Of course she could also be grateful that her children don't have a special need.
Thinking about it, she really has quite a nerve to think that you have it better than her.