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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say it's not really my problem that my friend chose to have two children

104 replies

Fruitystones · 21/03/2024 16:55

DD10 is an only child. I'm close friends with the parents of her two oldest friends. They have multiple children. I would say my household income is the highest out of the three of us, although we're not rich at all. One of the two friends will always make comments about how it's unfair DD gets "so much". It will come up in passing or she'll see me post a picture and she will message.This has been going on for years, since I was a single mum on benefits (she was as well), and I've finally hit a point where I'm a bit sick of it,

Previous complaints have included -

DD had a bigger bedroom than her girls (she doesn't in our current home)

We take DD for a weekend away on her birthday and she can't do that with her girls

When they were little it was that it was that DD had a party at a "better" soft play to her DD.

DD has her own Nintendo switch when her kids have to share one

It's not fair that I get "time off parenting" in the holidays because DD goes to her grandparents for a few days.

It's not fair I got to move to the southwest and she'll be stuck in the north forever

There have been loads more, but these are the ones that spring to mind.

AIBU to gently point out that it's not my problem that she chose to have two children and has to split her resources accordingly next time she does this?

Also, in case it's relevant - DH and I don't have more children for multiple reasons. We found out he is infertile a couple of years ago. DD is from a previous relationship, I had her in my late teens. Prior to finding out, DH and I decided we didn't want to explore having more children until we had bought a house and settled. We should hopefully buy in 12-18 months when we're in our early 30s, and then we'll explore fertility treatment if it's still something we want.

OP posts:
KestrelMoon · 21/03/2024 19:11

AIBU to gently point out that it's not my problem that she chose to have two children?

I see this is not the popular view, but yes, if you don’t want to destroy your friendship, you would be unreasonable to say this to her. Mostly because your DD gets more for reasons other than because your friend has two children. It would be unfair on the second child for you to plant that seed in their mum’s head that she had too many children.

It seems to me that your friend’s jealousy comes from a place of barely managing and your life seeming to be comparatively effortless. Does she know of any of the low lights? Or do you subconsciously edit your updates and Skypes to show only the highlights?

I do recommend you have a heart to heart with her and hash out things, but saying “you chose to have two kids, you made your bed now lie in it” is too close to a “should have kept your legs closed” and will put a full stop on the friendship.

Crushed23 · 21/03/2024 19:15

To be perfectly honest, I find it completely mystifying why anyone would have more than one child!

The benefits of having one over multiple children seem so obvious to me.

Sallyh87 · 21/03/2024 19:16

Why would two siblings need their own Nintendo? Isn’t it more fun to play together?

But yeah, she sounds insufferable.

DodoTired · 21/03/2024 19:27

She is not your friend. She supported you in the past in a way that benefited her too (shared school runs etc). It was not real friendship and it certainly isn’t now

Trickabrick · 21/03/2024 19:59

Next time she does this, I’d respond with “I’m not sure how you expect me to respond, are you wanting me to apologise because we do things differently / have different finances etc?” Put it back on her to explain why she’s saying these things to you. I’d certainly be withdrawing from the friendship, she sounds tiresome and petulant.

AuntMarch · 21/03/2024 20:06

thatgirlinjapan · 21/03/2024 18:43

Does she know about the fertility problems? It's possible she's trying to make you feel better about having only one?

I was actually thinking that would make her insensitive as well as bitter.

"It's not fair that your kids have a sibling" might shut her up OP?

Absolutely nothing wrong with having one child, I have no intentions of giving mine a sibling. But if she knows that you would potentially like to grow you family but face difficulties doing so, she's being a bit of a cunt

WandaWonder · 21/03/2024 20:33

I only have one child by choice but you don't need to stay friends with them, it is not mandatory

KestrelMoon · 21/03/2024 20:37

Sallyh87 · 21/03/2024 19:16

Why would two siblings need their own Nintendo? Isn’t it more fun to play together?

But yeah, she sounds insufferable.

It’s a Nintendo switch which is today’s bigger and better Nintendo game boy. They are portable and designed for one player per switch. Although multi-player each with own switch can connect and play together.

ForestBather · 21/03/2024 21:01

I wouldn't say that to her because I don't think her having two children is the issue here. She's just jealous of someone who has more resources than her, and would be if she had no or one child too. If you had to say something, that's what I'd address.

femfemlicious · 21/03/2024 21:03

I would NOT be happy with these comments. Yanbu to say whatever you have to say to get her to stop!

longingtobe23 · 21/03/2024 21:04

I’ve a sis like this I love her dearly and I think the closeness lets her mouth speak before her mind. Obviously I won’t drop my sister like you won’t drop a good friend - you love them anyway. But I dealt with their comments in the end.

I have one child she’s got 3
she said stuff at my child’s birthday like … oh wow that’s an overpriced party
do they need all that?
well I can’t afford it

also comments on my clothes as I pick nicer brands/ stuff for casual etc

she works hard and her husband does and they could afford what we do but they don’t prioritise it and they’ve got more children !?!

again we don’t have just one child by choice we are trying for more and we’re also going through fertility treatment (so perhaps I have spoilt them as I got desperate for more over the years but it’s my money)

when they were moaning about having to buy all new car seats as they need three rear facing in the back - I said “well you don’t need to spend thousands for a chance to just have a child do you?”

shut them up and nothings been mentioned since

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/03/2024 21:06

Next time...

" So which of your two are you going to have adopted? Then the remaining one can have the same as my DD... no need to share, biggest room, fancier birthdays... and no sibling...'

Probably the 'petrol on the bridge' option... but that sort of behaviour does my fucking head in.

Phiy43 · 21/03/2024 21:10

Your friend is being ridiculous, we’ve got a large family and of course friends with only 1 child tend to have more disposable income/of on holidays more, have more kid free time etc. It’s swings and roundabouts, does she not see what your child maybe benefits on more one to one time and activities with you, her children get the sibling relationship, it’s not unfair

FleurdeSel · 21/03/2024 21:11

I wouldn't be gentle, I would be firm and set a boundary.

Say that you want to speak to her about something you are finding challenging. Give a specific example and ask her not to do it. Say you will need to end the conversation and catch up another time if it happens again. Them do it.

When it happens again say that you thought you'd talked about it and say you are changing the subject now. If it still happens, end the conversation.

You don't need to explain your reproductive health or reasons. Just that it makes you uncomfortable.

TruthorDie · 21/03/2024 21:14

She sounds like an ex friend of mine but the situation was kind of reversed. It was “so hard because she had 2” (no one made her have 2), “we spend sooo much on childcare” (they had them super close together as she wanted that). “It’s not fair you can go on holiday and relax but we spend so much money on chikdcare”. Whereas we had fertility issues and only had children after a few rounds of IVF. But we had it easy when we bought a house as we didn’t have children etc etc etc. It was exhausting and drove a major wedge between us. She CONSTANTLY compared, assessed we had it easier / she had it way harder as she moaned. If we were friends now she would be super annoyed as lm 6 months back from maternity leave (only 1 maternity leave as l had twins), have a new job (got promoted!). But a real friend would be happy for me

Your friends needs to wake up to how tactless and petty she is being. The constant moaning and comparing sounds very draining. Has she always been like this? In hindsight my friend was fine when she perceived herself as top dog / being “the best” but the problems started when she wasn’t

MyNameIsFine · 21/03/2024 21:24

Fruitystones · 21/03/2024 17:16

The reason I haven't ended the friendship is because she's a good friend when she hasn't been complaining. And when she's not being jealous, I genuinely enjoy her company.

When we both lived in the same area, we spent a lot of time together and we were both single parents so we became our own village to ease the load.
I would do school drop offs she would do pick ups, she babysat DD when I had a couple of childcare emergencies, I babysat her DDs when she needed help etc. We'd often split the cost of ingredients and have dinner together at one of our houses.

I live 300 miles away now, but we still talk occasionally and the girls speak via Skype

It's just the jealousy that really gets to me. I know this is likely insecurity on her side but I wish she could see that actually, in my eyes she has just as much as me in a different sense, because she has two healthy DD's. Whereas my DD has a major heart defect and my husband is infertile. She just can't see that wealth isn't just material items.

I have spoken to her as has another friend who has experienced it, but it's like she can't see she's complaining.

Perhaps she means it light-heartedly? Like a joke that's just gone a bit too far now and got a bit old?

Caroparo52 · 21/03/2024 21:36

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 21/03/2024 17:12

Can you have a quiet word with her and say you're finding her comments a bit hard? You don't want it to come between you sort of thing.

Show quote history

This. Also very materialistic to think that things and events are measures by which you value your life. She's twice blessed with her dc... find the joy not the burden in this

Londonrach1 · 21/03/2024 21:38

She's not a. Friend

Lyxou · 21/03/2024 22:57

potato57 · 21/03/2024 19:11

Same, I've lived in both and south west was hellish. Outside of city centres amenities are severely lacking, it's what I imagine living in a developing country must be like (if people in developing countries drove 4x4s).

Show quote history

Probably missing the point of the thread, but I couldn't get past the comment about "being stuck in the North". North Yorkshire, Northumberland, the Lake district, take your pick, all much more beautiful and nicer to live in than the South. I can't stand Cornwall, really can't work out what the appeal is.

PlumbersWifey · 21/03/2024 23:25

I get this ALL the time with my 'spoilt' only child. ''Oh his coats so expensive, wow he has another pair of Nike trainers, OMG you're at Thorpe Park again, Wow he's spoilt on his bday''. Yes friend, my 1 child compared to your 4 children costs a lot less so we can do a lot more.

Original poster
Fruitystones · 21/03/2024 23:34

AmericanUgly · 21/03/2024 19:03

You don't seem to like each other very much. I can't imagine a friend messaging me to complain about my life choices. 😂

It's not fair I got to move to the southwest and she'll be stuck in the north forever

As an aside, it's sad to hear 'stuck in the north'. I'd far far rather live in the north than the south west any day.

Honestly, we get along really well... She just seems to be jealous of anyone who has anything more.

As for the South West. I'm not the biggest fan. I'd swap with her any day. But she wouldn't ever move, even though she says she's so unhappy. I moved there as DH was stuck in a training contract and we wanted to be together. I've never settled.

We're moving to the midlands in the near future as DH will be able to further his career there. Our 10 year goal is to be back in Yorkshire and settle back there permanently. I miss my home county!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fruitystones · 21/03/2024 23:40

thatgirlinjapan · 21/03/2024 18:43

Does she know about the fertility problems? It's possible she's trying to make you feel better about having only one?

She's been doing this since we met, so a good few years before I knew DH. I'd probably feel less irritated if she was trying to be well meaning. But it's just pure insecurity/jealousy.

OP posts:
Whytoodee · 21/03/2024 23:58

Yanbu. I feel for her kids if she projects this to them too. We're not rich but I always focus on the positives. You get to share toys, it's like having double! You have ready made besties etc. there's an upside and downside to everything and being jealous of others never makes your life better. She needs to calm it down. Distance yourself from her comments. She's not worth it

Whytoodee · 22/03/2024 00:05

To add I had a similar friend in reverse. Always saying how easy it must be with two kids. How they must not need me at all. How hard her life was with one. Sone of the things she comes out with make no sense. Some people are just jealous and out to score points with digs. I don't get it.

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 22/03/2024 00:12

Fruitystones · 21/03/2024 16:55

DD10 is an only child. I'm close friends with the parents of her two oldest friends. They have multiple children. I would say my household income is the highest out of the three of us, although we're not rich at all. One of the two friends will always make comments about how it's unfair DD gets "so much". It will come up in passing or she'll see me post a picture and she will message.This has been going on for years, since I was a single mum on benefits (she was as well), and I've finally hit a point where I'm a bit sick of it,

Previous complaints have included -

DD had a bigger bedroom than her girls (she doesn't in our current home)

We take DD for a weekend away on her birthday and she can't do that with her girls

When they were little it was that it was that DD had a party at a "better" soft play to her DD.

DD has her own Nintendo switch when her kids have to share one

It's not fair that I get "time off parenting" in the holidays because DD goes to her grandparents for a few days.

It's not fair I got to move to the southwest and she'll be stuck in the north forever

There have been loads more, but these are the ones that spring to mind.

AIBU to gently point out that it's not my problem that she chose to have two children and has to split her resources accordingly next time she does this?

Also, in case it's relevant - DH and I don't have more children for multiple reasons. We found out he is infertile a couple of years ago. DD is from a previous relationship, I had her in my late teens. Prior to finding out, DH and I decided we didn't want to explore having more children until we had bought a house and settled. We should hopefully buy in 12-18 months when we're in our early 30s, and then we'll explore fertility treatment if it's still something we want.

Your so-called friend is a toxic bitch. Run fast, run far. She will only get worse.

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