To say it's not really my problem that my friend chose to have two children

[Fruitystones]

DD10 is an only child. I'm close friends with the parents of her two oldest friends. They have multiple children. I would say my household income is the highest out of the three of us, although we're not rich at all. One of the two friends will always make comments about how it's unfair DD gets "so much". It will come up in passing or she'll see me post a picture and she will message.This has been going on for years, since I was a single mum on benefits (she was as well), and I've finally hit a point where I'm a bit sick of it,

Previous complaints have included -

DD had a bigger bedroom than her girls (she doesn't in our current home)

We take DD for a weekend away on her birthday and she can't do that with her girls

When they were little it was that it was that DD had a party at a "better" soft play to her DD.

DD has her own Nintendo switch when her kids have to share one

It's not fair that I get "time off parenting" in the holidays because DD goes to her grandparents for a few days.

It's not fair I got to move to the southwest and she'll be stuck in the north forever

There have been loads more, but these are the ones that spring to mind.

AIBU to gently point out that it's not my problem that she chose to have two children and has to split her resources accordingly next time she does this?

Also, in case it's relevant - DH and I don't have more children for multiple reasons. We found out he is infertile a couple of years ago. DD is from a previous relationship, I had her in my late teens. Prior to finding out, DH and I decided we didn't want to explore having more children until we had bought a house and settled. We should hopefully buy in 12-18 months when we're in our early 30s, and then we'll explore fertility treatment if it's still something we want.

Have you trued immediately drawing her attention to it?
It's not fair that..
See x, this is exactly what I have been talking about. What's this if not you moaning? Why are you talking about fairness? It's perfectly fair that two children cost more than one

YABU for being so bothered about it. Every time she comments along those lines you could just ignore rather than try to justify yourself.
Its not her business.

I'm a single mum who works full time and is also on benefits. My best friend has a child the same age as my son. Her house is worth over a million and she goes on holiday regularly. Her son always wants to come to our house as he prefers it. He doesn't care that her house is bigger. He loves it here because it's fun, we have musical instruments, we're close to a park etc. Kids need love and laughter and to be listened to and interacted with. Ask most adults who have lost their parents what they miss - I can assure you it won't be their big bedroom. Your friend sounds insecure and like they're focusing on the wrong thing.

I get this a lot from a family member but rather than fairness they are obsessed with my good luck. 'You're so lucky you aren't in debt', 'You're so lucky to have a nice house' blah blah blah. It really riles me because I work my socks off and this relative doesn't. I often say "Well, I like to think it's not all good luck and that some of my hard work has paid off" to which the relative instantly changes their tune and says how amazingly hard I work. I don't really think they are saying it to get at me they are just vocalising their own envy and are probably well aware that their own situation is due to a lack of effort on their part.

I'd respond to your friend with something like "Well I'm not sure it's about fairness, you've just made different choices to me" and leave it at that.

How childish. I think I’d find it very difficult to have a friend like that.

Sadly I still think the relationship has run its course. Yes it was very special to be so close when you were younger

YANBU. DH and I have had similar comments from people and we don't even have children, lol. It's apparently not fair that we have a house and two cars.

Honestly, I think people sometimes just like to moan without thinking of the logistics - yes, we own a home but it was a fixer upper on a cheap street in a run down town. Yes, we own cars but they're essential for our jobs and are both second hand, cheap runabouts.

We also chose not to have children for various reasons, and lots of these comments come from people who chose to have 3-4 kids. I mean, each to their own but it's no secret that children are expensive!

YANBU.

Your friend sounds quite odd IMO. I would never ever think to be jealous of another child or say ‘it’s crap that your child has it better than my child’.

Not massively relevant but also shows a change of times. Kids are now moaning they have to share a games console but i found it a lot more fun playing racing and fighting games with brother on our PS1.

What does she mean it's not fair?

Did her children just one day arrive on the doorstep, and not through pregnancy or something?

Tell her fuck off.

It's absolutely not your fault, or problem, that she made a shitty life decision and had another baby.

Every time she moans
"Give it a rest already!"

It really does show a change of times that kids struggle to share a console. Obviously in our case DD doesn't share it with a sibling because she doesn't have one. But she only uses it to play mario kart with her dad or her friends, she said she finds it boring playing alone😅

Omg mario kart, bloody fantastic game!

Have you tried saying things like "well of course she doesn't have to share it as she's an only child" "well of course your budget goes further because you've got two children and we only have one" etc. point out the obvious as if you're oblivious to the jealousy.

So you've never moaned about the consequences of any choice you've made? Had a bad day at work and moaned about it, had a moan about DH, etc? One kid then twins IS hard. I didn't abort one to make life easier for me but I still get to moan two is hard.

she sounds ridiculous. As you say, the reason your dd doesn't have to share a games console with her sibling is because she doesn't have one! Should she just not be allowed one at all? But then that wouldn't be fair because jealous!friends dds would have half of one? Maybe you should only let her use it every other day to make it fair? Same with the bedroom - should you have not bought that house? Or section off a third of that room
I would be tempted next time she makes one of her stupid comments to either give one of those ridiculous suggestions so she realises how silly she sounds, or just drill down into what she's saying.
'Oh it's so unfair that you get childcare from grandparents'
'What do you mean?'
'Well I don't get a break,'
'Right but why is that unfair?'
'Well...because I want a break.'
'But they aren't your parents. So regardless of if my parents look after my dd or not, you wouldn't have a break anyway. Do you think I should refuse my parents to see their grandchild so it's fair that neither of us get a break?'
'Um...no, of course not.'
'Well, I'm a bit confused as to why you brought it up then?'

Does she know about the fertility problems? It's possible she's trying to make you feel better about having only one?

If she's doing it via SM (assuming there's now geographical distance from your post), just block her. Not all friends are for life, it's time to let this one go.

There's a lot of petty, pointless envy about. I would distance myself.

Oh OP, you’ve committed the ultimate young single mum sin…..you coped on your own, you built a life and then you found a lovely husband. There are so many people who can’t cope at all with people they consider to be way beneath them in the social shit heap managing to pull themselves up a bit.

I have 3 kids, I teach, I did well financially out of my divorce but ex has never paid a penny in maintenance. I got a good inheritance when I lost my mum. We have had a decent life, not amazing, but the odd holiday, days out, iPads and phones. I own a nice home. I have literally heard it all. One woman once told me I was mistaken I was a teacher because ‘people like you can’t teach’. Another sniffed on my doorstep about how much her taxes were contributing to rent my house (I’ve paid every last mortgage payment). I just wave and smile.

You don't seem to like each other very much. I can't imagine a friend messaging me to complain about my life choices. 😂

It's not fair I got to move to the southwest and she'll be stuck in the north forever

As an aside, it's sad to hear 'stuck in the north'. I'd far far rather live in the north than the south west any day.

She sounds bitter - but does she not understand maths? If you have a certain amount of money to split between your children, quite obviously 1 child will get more to themselves than 2, and the money then needs to be split both ways.

She made her choices, which is absolutely fine, but saying things to other people who made different choices is just useless.

This.

ive moved three times in the last thirty years. Each time I left behind a supposed friend. The one I hated the most used to wipe her finger along the skirting board behind my sofa and call me disgusting if there was a trace of dust. Ome Christmas Eve I tidied her whole house and iced her cake, made her mince pies whilst she laid on the sofa recovering from a caesarean. I dusted her filthy skirting board and said nothing!

You sound quite self congratulatory tbh OP. I have a nice house, lots of holidays etc and have two DC. It’s not the amount of kids you have it’s how much you earn.

Anyway she is probably beating herself up that she isn’t as wonderful as you and that is why she is bitter. Maybe just not be her friend anymore?

she sounds like a crazy lady

Same, I've lived in both and south west was hellish. Outside of city centres amenities are severely lacking, it's what I imagine living in a developing country must be like (if people in developing countries drove 4x4s).