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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD's Dad should help if he can?

93 replies

heartypres · 21/03/2024 15:01

DD17 is doing A Levels and plans to go to university providing she gets the grades. Her Dad has always paid me maintenance (£150 a month) and has never contributed towards anything else for her.

DD came home from her Dad's at the weekend and said she had heard her Dad and his wife talking. His wife had said to him that it's not much longer that he'll have to pay me maintenance and it'd be good to have the extra cash each month. My ex then said that he was planning on using the money each month to help DD at university (so send it to her rather than me). His wife said absolutely not, DD needs to fend for herself once at university.

DD is a little upset. Although she plans on getting a job whilst there, she knows that I was planning on sending her a small monthly allowance and I think she assumed her Dad would help too.

Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 21/03/2024 15:03

I think dd is unreasonable to listen to a private discussion that her dad is having with his wife.

Bubblegummies · 21/03/2024 15:03

What did he say when your dd asked him about what she heard?

Original poster
heartypres · 21/03/2024 15:04

@Hankunamatata They were talking in the kitchen which leads in to the lounge, where DD was, with the door open. Don't think it was an ear pressed up against the bedroom door situation!

OP posts:
Original poster
heartypres · 21/03/2024 15:05

@Bubblegummies DD hasn't told him that she'd overheard.

OP posts:
Youcannotbeseriousreally · 21/03/2024 15:06

Hankunamatata · 21/03/2024 15:03

I think dd is unreasonable to listen to a private discussion that her dad is having with his wife.

Yeah this, no matter the circumstances.

it’s unreasonable of anyone to assume he’d continue to pay and it is his choice , perhaps they can’t afford it once the legal requirement passes. We are certainly going to have to have a big think about what my DH pays as we will have to make it fair for all the kids , so there will be lots to think about.

Reugny · 21/03/2024 15:08

heartypres · 21/03/2024 15:05

@Bubblegummies DD hasn't told him that she'd overheard.

Well she needs to and should have done that instead of coming to you upset before she does.

As you are divorced what her dad decides to do isn't any of your business and vice versa even if any shitty behaviour affects your daughter.

Heatwavenotify · 21/03/2024 15:08

Talking about her when she is right there? Of course she is going to listen. How ridiculous to suggest otherwise.
Obviously her father should support her. £150 for a child isn’t even close to what it costs to raise a child so the very least he can do is to continue to pay that when she is in education.

NotMyDayJob · 21/03/2024 15:09

Yeah of course how unreasonable of his daughter to think he might give her something towards university 🙄 and how unreasonable she overheard a conversation that was had somewhere she could over hear it.

I don't have an answer OP but YANBU and neither is your daughter

Reugny · 21/03/2024 15:10

Heatwavenotify · 21/03/2024 15:08

Talking about her when she is right there? Of course she is going to listen. How ridiculous to suggest otherwise.
Obviously her father should support her. £150 for a child isn’t even close to what it costs to raise a child so the very least he can do is to continue to pay that when she is in education.

That isn't for the OP or anyone else to dictate.

Her DD does need to have a serious conversation with each parent about her university finances.

Original poster
heartypres · 21/03/2024 15:11

Maybe I'm just exasperated as he's only ever contributed £150, and 4 nights a month of his time, since she was 2. I was hoping it wouldn't all fall on me again, for University.

OP posts:
Reugny · 21/03/2024 15:12

heartypres · 21/03/2024 15:11

Maybe I'm just exasperated as he's only ever contributed £150, and 4 nights a month of his time, since she was 2. I was hoping it wouldn't all fall on me again, for University.

Just be glad you aren't still with him.

Teajenny7 · 21/03/2024 15:12

If they had wanted a private conversation they should have shut the door or waited until she had gone home.
It seems like your DD father wants to contribute to his daughter's University expenses.
Seems a bit mean that his wife should not.
Most parents help their kids at Uni.

bubblesforbreakfast · 21/03/2024 15:14

Your DD is learning her value, in her fathers and stepmothers eyes. £150 is an awful lot of money for some and not a lot to others. I don't know what your exs financial situation is but I'm sure your DD will recognise the support (or not) that he is giving her

Heatwavenotify · 21/03/2024 15:15

Reugny · 21/03/2024 15:10

That isn't for the OP or anyone else to dictate.

Her DD does need to have a serious conversation with each parent about her university finances.

Show quote history

Thanks for that. But maybe missing the point of AIBU. It is for people to express their opinions on the OP’s question. Not for you to comment telling everyone it’s none of their business 😂

SummerInSun · 21/03/2024 15:17

I also Team DD on this one. £150 per month is not a lot to an adult couple but a huge amount to a student - she'd have to work an extra 10-15 hours a month to earn this, which is time she won't then be able to spend studying, which is afyer all the main thing she's supposed to be doing as a student. He's paid it until now (and it's very little as far as responsibility towards your child goes), he can pay it for three more years.

Not sure what you or she do, though. Do you have the sort of relationship where you suggest to him that once DD is at uni he should start paying the £150 to her (or meet bills to that amount of he'd rather pay it direct to accommodation or whatever), and if he says he won't? Warn him he risks damaging his relationship with her permanently?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 21/03/2024 15:18

Your DD is not unreasonable to be upset that her stepmum's attitude seems to be "thank goodness that pesky daughter of yours is 18 and off your hands". Yes, at 18 someone is technically an adult but expecting her to never again need anything from her dad seems a bit mean. It doesn't say "loving stepmum invested in the ongoing success of her stepdaughter" and nor does it say "loving father prepared to stand up to his wife for the sake of his daughter".

Uni is expensive, and good parents want to help out to try to mitigate their child starting adult life saddled with £30k debt.

Plus £150 a month is pretty cheap going to raise a kid.

TigBitss · 21/03/2024 15:53

Uni is expensive, and good parents want to help out to try to mitigate their child starting adult life saddled with £30k debt.

Just for anyone reading who doesn't have £30k to help your child through uni, you are still a good parent ffs 🤯🤯

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 21/03/2024 15:56

Uni is expensive, and good parents want to help out to try to mitigate their child starting adult life saddled with £30k debt.

Not everyone can afford to help out - it doesn't mean they're not good parents ffs.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 21/03/2024 15:59

Ok @TigBitss and @lifebeginsaftercoffee you seem to have read what I wrote as "you can only be a good parent if you completely fund your child through uni".

Whereas what I actually said was good parents want to help out to try to mitigate their child starting adult life saddled with £30k debt.

You'll notice words like "help out", "try to" and "mitigate" there, not "completely pay for".

TigBitss · 21/03/2024 16:03

@FineWordsForAPorcupine so you're only a good parent as long as you can contribute to uni in some way, that is still what you're saying. Individual circumstances come in to play, nit just a sweeping comment of being a good parent because you pay towards it.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 21/03/2024 16:06

@TigBitss

Again, no, that's clearly not what I'm saying - I wonder why you are so determined to misread it?

I'm saying that a good parent would want to contribute.

So even if it turned out they couldn't, they would still want to be able to, surely?

I can understand not being able to financially contribute, but I can't understand also not wanting to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2024 16:06

Have you gone through CMS? £150 seems low with EOW contact, has his income not increased in 15 years?

DD needs to speak to her dad about ongoing support she’s hoping for. She doesn’t need to mention what she heard.

LolaSmiles · 21/03/2024 16:07

It seems quite a spiteful mindset that your exH's wife has. It seems like she's counting down the days until she can say "technically your DD is an adult now" and justify being awkward about any financial assistance he might want to give.

A parent is a parent for life and part of that is supporting our children to be functioning, independent adults.

It's understandable that your DD is hurt.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 21/03/2024 16:15

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 21/03/2024 15:59

Ok @TigBitss and @lifebeginsaftercoffee you seem to have read what I wrote as "you can only be a good parent if you completely fund your child through uni".

Whereas what I actually said was good parents want to help out to try to mitigate their child starting adult life saddled with £30k debt.

You'll notice words like "help out", "try to" and "mitigate" there, not "completely pay for".

And he does want to help out. It's the new wife that seems to be the problem.

£150 could be nothing to some families and two weeks worth of food for others - so whether it's a reasonable expectation or not really depends on all sorts of things.

Chatonette · 21/03/2024 16:17

It sounds like you and your ex need to have a serious conversation. Your daughter’s Cost of Living Loan will be based on your total household income, since she lives with you. This includes you and your DH or DP, if you have one. (Even if he’s a DP, if he lives with you, his income DOES count toward your DD’s eligibility.) She will get the full £10-£13k-ish loan if your household earns under £25k. Anything above £25k for your household income means that your DD will lose a portion of that loan—it continues to drop the higher your household income is. If your DD gets a partial loan, the government expect her parents to make up the shortfall and pay for the difference between her loan and the cost of her living expenses. This is known as the Parental Contribution. It is obviously optional, and down to the goodwill of the parents in wanting to ensure that their children can eat and can put a roof over their head while studying, as it is due to their finances that their child does not get the full loan. It sounds like step-mum wants to drop DD and not pay toward the parental contribution, which is a shame.