To think DD's Dad should help if he can?

[heartypres]

DD17 is doing A Levels and plans to go to university providing she gets the grades. Her Dad has always paid me maintenance (£150 a month) and has never contributed towards anything else for her.

DD came home from her Dad's at the weekend and said she had heard her Dad and his wife talking. His wife had said to him that it's not much longer that he'll have to pay me maintenance and it'd be good to have the extra cash each month. My ex then said that he was planning on using the money each month to help DD at university (so send it to her rather than me). His wife said absolutely not, DD needs to fend for herself once at university.

DD is a little upset. Although she plans on getting a job whilst there, she knows that I was planning on sending her a small monthly allowance and I think she assumed her Dad would help too.

Who is being unreasonable here?

I thought if children were at university they still had to pay child maintenance

@Chatonette Thanks so much, that's super helpful. It's just me and DD, I have no partner.

There is a parental contribution calculator on Martin Lewis’ website where you can input your salary and see how much of the loan DD will get. It would be nice if your ex will help you meet that shortfall, even if it means continuing with his £150. Good luck.

I thought you still paid of they was in higher education?

My ex then said that he was planning on using the money each month to help DD at university

He does want to contribute. As a family they might not be in a position to.

YANBU.
unlless it’s changed I thought your DD still counts as a dependent whist in higher education to 21? Money goes to them directly . If probs get some legal advice.

the step mum is unreasonable to marry someone with a child and not want to support them. Yes you can work through uni but you also need time to study and those with financial pressures can struggle to get the grades.

Obviously his wife!

But unfortunately their are to many women entering blended families who completely disregard their husbands children.

This is a conversation that your daughter should have with her father. He should want to be part of her success- and by the sounds of it he wants to be.

Has this women not got her own children.... because I've got a 21 year old in uni and she wouldn't survive without our support.

My 25 year old son... often asks for financial support x even I would ask my parents for support!

It doesn't end because they leave school.

I highly value education the step mother’s mindset is alien to me. She sounds like an arse.

On a different point, I don’t know why people get their knickers in a knot over “30k worth of debt”. University debt isn’t considered in the same way credit card debt is, it doesn’t impact credit score etc. Yes you repay it, proportionally to your actual earnings. It’s not a drama.

@Poppalina37 Yes his wife also has an older DD, who decided not to go to university.

Now you know partly why.....

Then it really may be a case of if we give one DC money per month post 18 years old then we need to do equal for the other DC - maybe that is where it becomes unaffordable for them?
I would ask your ex what his future plan is, give him all of your DD’s uni costs and future outgoings and just be upfront

She needs to have a discussion with him. She shouldn’t have really assumed. They should not have had the conversation when she was around, but the DF should also have had a conversation with his wife; if it’s all coming from the family pot

@Whatsnormalhere Yes that could be where it's coming from, although her DD dropped out of college by choice.

If I was DD I'd pretend I hadn't heard that conversation and speak to her dad alone and say that with starting uni soon she was wondering if he'll be able to please support her financially in any way. Nothing to lose seeing as his wife is wanting to stop all financial contribution anyway.

I think they were unreasonable to have had the discussion while DD was in the house given they could so easily have had it another time.

OP I think its nothing to do with you.

Fwiw - my DH is going to give his DSC half the maintenance payments he gives to mum at the moment when they stop. It will be a sizable amount as he pays quite a bit.

My parents were excellent parents but I'm still "saddled" with debt. You know what I wouldn't change it for the world. Yeah I have to pay a small proportion of it back in my salary each month but it stopped when I was on mat leave and frankly it was worth it.

Yeah it's more like a little extra tax

The wife is entitled to her opinion and if it's joint money then she can have her say.

The wife is being unreasonable
It's unreasonable for anyone to think financial support for a child automatically end at 18

As long as his daughter is in education, he should be paying towards her care. There’s no financial difference for her between being in education at 15 and being in education at 18. She needs to speak with her dad.

Same issue here.

DD off to uni in Sept. I've told DD for the last year if she's old enough to go to uni, she's old enough to talk finance with her dad.

I'd be really happy if the £300 he gives me each month for her goes straight to her at uni.

However, he's recently got engaged and is looking to move to USA to be with his new women and her 7 yr old. Throughout our 20 yr marriage X was adamant our children would need to pay their own way at uni like we did.

It's on DD to try to explain to her dad the finance system is far less generous than in our day and to talk to him. She hasn't yet... She only sees him for a couple of hours every few months.

I don't think he'll give her the cash. He'll see me as earning more than him and expect me to stump up the shortfall, while he saves for his move.

I know DD will take it all in. I'm happy with my relationship with my daughter. I would hate the piecemeal she's given him for years... But that's what he brought on himself. What I have with DD is priceless.

We are still supporting ours in mid 20's!

My exh gives me £600 a month to pay for DDs allowance and also the cost of maintaining a home for her, driving her to and from university etc. He realises that parenting doesn't end at 28 even if you have split up!

You need to check the maintenance loan eligiblity criteria. If ex never contributes you can leave him off the form and loan amount gets calculated on your income only. However if his income is included it will likely reduce the maintenance loan and that could change from her managing ok to having to work a huge amount just to pay the rent. I don't know what happens if ex pays maintenance but stops as child starts uni. It must be quite common though. Alternatively if you yourself have a good income the maintenance loan might already be small and it might be vital for her that he contributes.

It is the most stupid system as it rewards feckless parents and makes hardworking parents struggle and their children struggle in the uni years- although in the long term children of feckless parents have more loan to pay back. Everyone loses.

If you say don't go to uni then you miss out on a formative experience and important social networks for the country in future.

I think he should continue to pay her. She is his daughter and parents usually support their children. They don't suddenly stop being your children just because they are 18.
And to those who say she shouldn't have been listening to what they were saying sometimes people can't help but over hear conversations. It's hardly her fault if they were talking within her earshot.
I can understand why your daughter is upset and I can see why it might affect her relationship with her father's wife.

So if you are on a low income so student gets full loan it's because you are feckless? How the hell do you come to that conclusion?