To not believe everyone who says they wish their parents divorced

[KungBooPanda]

For people who grew up in homes that were abusive or toxic or just unhappy, do you truly really wish your parents had split? Even if it meant spending your life between two homes? Even if it meant spending days and days with the abusive/toxic/unhappy parent?

My parents had issues. Im an only child. My dad was an angry and drunk man. Although my childhood was pretty miserable I think I might have been more unhappy being at dad's home by myself for long periods of time.

I'm interested in people's thoughts and reflections.

Of course people are right it's impossible to know what life would have been like if our parents had separated. It may have been better but I know one friend who persuaded her mum to leave her dad (who was a total arsehole) and her mum had a psychotic breakdown post separation and is still not able to live independently.

I think you're missing the point. Of course a parent having a breakdown and being unable to live independently is not a better choice. But when people say they wish their parents had divorced, what they mean is that they think that things WOULD have been better if they weren't in those toxic environments.

Certainly, I am confident that DH and his siblings would have MUCH better off his parents had divorced much sooner. And certainly, I don't think it's a co-incidence that they've all struggled with relationships. In DH's case, he's managed to get it right with me but honestly, it has been really really hard at times and one of the things I love about him is that he's really put the effort in to unlearn all the lessons he learnt growing up.

I used to wish that my parents would divorce. What's interesting though is that while a lot of what was going on was NOT okay, I found as a young adult I was able to process a lot of these issues and actually, come out the other side. My parents also really mellowed as they grew older so in retrospect, I think it's' probably good they didn't split up.

But, having said that, I don't think that's necessarily true for everyone and I think in our case, my dad didn't always behave well. BUT the big difference is that everyone was genuinely trying their best. I can look back now and think, "ok, yes, that specific behaviour wasn't okay" but I can also think, "but on the other hand, I wasn't walking on eggshells all the time, I genuinely felt supported by my parents etc". DH's dad, on the other hand, was largely absent. Both of his parents were harsh, and erratic, disciplinarians and DH's childhood and early teen years were largely him trying to get away from how shit his life at home was. I think, looking back, he would still agree that them divorcing would have been better.

This is of course very subjective. My parents didn't like each other and mostly avoided each other. From about 16 I believed they were waiting until my much younger sister grew up to separate but one sadly died quite young so it never happened. I am very grateful that they were together growing up, I was mostly unaware of the hostility between them as they were always civil to each other and protected us from their issues. Whether they argued in private or not i do not know. I can imagine they were exhausted from putting on a front but it was worth it for the sake of a stable home life for us.

I had many years of wishing that when they were trying to “stay together for the kids” and the relief and calmness when it happened was amazing, they were toxic together and truelt better apart.

I think you might be right.

If both parents have made this decision before resentment and bitterness has set in. Most people really try to make a relationship work stay long after it should have ended. By which point living together in a healthy environment is very difficult. Plus at least one will be very hurt about the split.

Relationships usually end when the bad feeling between the 2 is at a high point. At which point people feel shit about all the things that have happened leading up to it. Or there’s one big things that’s so devastating there’s no coming back from it, like cheating. Pretty hard to live together then

If people still like each other, treat eachother well and with respect, mortally supportive (especially over things like childcare) and work like a team so the house is happy, you might have a point.

However, that’s very rare. And in most cases would mean people splitting up earlier and not putting in several years of effort (at least from one person) trying to make it work.