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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not believe everyone who says they wish their parents divorced

105 replies

KungBooPanda · 20/03/2024 21:48

For people who grew up in homes that were abusive or toxic or just unhappy, do you truly really wish your parents had split? Even if it meant spending your life between two homes? Even if it meant spending days and days with the abusive/toxic/unhappy parent?

My parents had issues. Im an only child. My dad was an angry and drunk man. Although my childhood was pretty miserable I think I might have been more unhappy being at dad's home by myself for long periods of time.

I'm interested in people's thoughts and reflections.

OP posts:
KungBooPanda · 20/03/2024 22:26

I'm also sorry for all the upsetting childhoods described here. Its heart breaking. I do agree that when there is abuse like that...certainly splitting is the right thing to do of course.

OP posts:
KungBooPanda · 20/03/2024 22:30

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 20/03/2024 22:26

Very glad my parents divorced and b) that it happened at an age when contact was led by me.

Had I been say under 10, however, I can't imagine how awful contact weekends would have been.

This is exactly what I mean. As miserable as the fights or tension were, I always had my mum. I can't imagine being 6 or so and being with my dad without my mum. He wasn't physical but he was furious and intimidating and never had anything to say to me. I would have hated it!

OP posts:
Foxblue · 20/03/2024 22:45

The thing is, is what you are asking also means 'do I wish my parents stayed together, unhappily for my sake'
I'd be surprised if you could find anyone who would say yes to that.
Look at how many people who now feel like their childhood was a lie because their parents stayed together until they were 18 then split.

Having read probably hundreds of experiences over the years, the discomfort and annoyance of feeling shuttled round in your childhood, while can be anxiety inducing and disturbing for kids, pales in comparison to the long term damage done to kids and their view of relationships when growing up witnessing a dysfunctional relationship, especially one where the parents pretend it's all fine and normal.
Think about it - a feeling of 'not having a place' in childhood is unpleasant, and im sure there are cases where its led to a lot of unrest, but abuse and dysfunction cycles are perpetuated through generations - you see it on posts here, people will say 'that's how my dad was with my mum so I've grown up thinking it was normal' - and that's just one way it perpetuates.

HungryBeagle · 20/03/2024 22:46

KungBooPanda · 20/03/2024 22:30

This is exactly what I mean. As miserable as the fights or tension were, I always had my mum. I can't imagine being 6 or so and being with my dad without my mum. He wasn't physical but he was furious and intimidating and never had anything to say to me. I would have hated it!

We didn’t all have abusive parents though. Just parents who had a toxic relationship with each other. It was a massive relief when they split and I could spend time with them individually, instead of together in a horrific atmosphere. That’s why I’d rather mine had split earlier.

catscalledbeanz · 20/03/2024 23:02

Three days a week living with abuse is better than 7 days a week living with abuse AND having that be your primary example of relationships/ parenthood/ boundaries/ norms.

However in my case- both my parents are bearable, even nice people. Apart. I love spending time with my mother- she's witty and funny and has a dark humour which is. coupled with an understanding of human nature and life. She is a ball.
My dad is gracious, kind and the life and soul of every party. Charming and exuberant. He is one of my favourite men in the world.

Together my parents bring out only the very worst in each other- my mothers dark humour and wit becomes bile and cruel venom. My fathers spirit, that outgoing confidence and natural charm becomes obnoxious, and domineering. Neither are abusive parents directly. By staying together I grew up in an abusive home and it wasn't until adulthood I found out that they are great people who love me. The toxic atmosphere ruined my childhood . They thought they were doing us a favour

Oneofthesurvivors · 20/03/2024 23:10

Frankly, I wish my adoptive parents had sent me back to the children's home like they kept threatening to. They were both toxic, abusive, arseholes.

TheGhostOfKatesProlapse · 20/03/2024 23:12

But on his weekends (assuming this was back in the day when dads mainly just got weekends rather than the 50/50 movement) you would just be up in your room with the door locked. I always took lots of books.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 20/03/2024 23:14

Neither of my parents were abusive or toxic, but they got to a point where they just didn't love each other anymore, and that was not a nice atmosphere to be in. I remember them yelling at one another, and me crying and shouting at both of them to just stop shouting at each other. They were both angry until they realised how upset I was.

I was about 16 I think when I realised they clearly didn't love each other - arguing, never doing anything together, general sniping at each other - and I was almost 18 when they split. I'm glad they did.

Pixiedust1234 · 20/03/2024 23:16

For people who grew up in homes that were abusive or toxic or just unhappy, do you truly really wish your parents had split?

Yes. I used to sleep with a carving knife under my pillow from the age of ten as I was that terrified of something bad happening.

EDIT - although it wouldn't have been two homes, I would have refused to live or be near my father.

Unexpectedbaby · 20/03/2024 23:17

Yep. They are still together now. I'm back living at home and it's still as bad as it was when I was a teen. They do not like each other. That much is palpable in the way they speak to each other. They should have split a very long time ago.

It made me realise early on that staying together for your kids is not the best thing to do.

WhatWhereWho · 20/03/2024 23:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

fubared · 20/03/2024 23:29

KungBooPanda · 20/03/2024 21:48

For people who grew up in homes that were abusive or toxic or just unhappy, do you truly really wish your parents had split? Even if it meant spending your life between two homes? Even if it meant spending days and days with the abusive/toxic/unhappy parent?

My parents had issues. Im an only child. My dad was an angry and drunk man. Although my childhood was pretty miserable I think I might have been more unhappy being at dad's home by myself for long periods of time.

I'm interested in people's thoughts and reflections.

Growing up I thought this. They did eventually split, but ended up in even more toxic relationships that I had to be part of, week in, week out

Dorriethelittlewitch · 20/03/2024 23:34

I don't know. I do know watching my father almost bleed to death after a fight with my mum, helping mop the blood up, being sworn to secrecy aged 4 and lying to the military police was damaging. I know as a slightly older child dealing with the pity of the military police as I helped sober him up when he needed to go and investigate a plane crash after my mum told them all to fuck off was damaging. I know coming home from school to discover dad was on deployment and mum had headed back to the UK was damaging. Both my parents would have made awful single parents. I asked dad's boss (who had 3 boys) to adopt me once when I'd been abandoned by my mum whilst dad was away investigating a crash. Neither of my actual parents could understand because he was far stricter than they were...but they weren't strict because they were too busy fighting/ignoring each other or "making up".

I was the adult in their marriage long before adulthood. They both (mum more than dad) moaned about each other to me for as long as I can remember. I stopped caring as a teenager because neither would take my sensible balanced advice. Dad was a functional alcoholic chasing stress and my mum is a bitch.

WhatWhereWho · 20/03/2024 23:41

Dorriethelittlewitch

I know what you mean about being the adult in the home from far too young an age. I sincerely hope that you are in a better place now.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 20/03/2024 23:48

Personally no, because my mum would have been financially very poorly off (married women's stamp) and my dad would still have been an arse. As it was she had 16 happy years travelling the world on his money after he died.

whatnow123 · 20/03/2024 23:52

Interesting thread. I also wonder when they did split up were the new relationships better. I hear. as many stories about horrible step parents.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 21/03/2024 01:08

Twolittleloves · 20/03/2024 22:11

This sounds abit 'holier than thou'...tantrums are a normal part of toddler development, and raised voices on occasion don't make someone a bad parent or produce troubled kids :-/ It shows kids that it's normal as a human to feel anger, or get stressed sometimes.
And show me a kid that has never had an episode of 'bad' behaviour ever, and I'll show you a pig that flies 😂

Sorry if it comes across like that but tantrums just didn’t happen and quite honestly raised voices were never acceptable in our home. Children need to know where they stand and what the rules are. Maybe just very lucky and I guess as a SAHM it was maybe easier. And as per pp, yes, growing up in a toxic household really does shape the way you do things differently.

Catsmere · 21/03/2024 01:36

I'm very glad my parents divorced. My father wasn't abusive to any of us but he was a waste of space and repeatedly unfaithful. There was never any idea of living between two houses, not in Australia in the 70s (I don't know how much it's even a thing here now, I don't know anyone with young kids). He was no father, took no notice of me (just as well, he screwed up my older brother) and I never missed him.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 21/03/2024 01:38

@KungBooPanda

Yes, from a purely selfish point of view I think my childhood and early-mid teens would have been much happier had my parents split. Father had issues with alcohol and had grown up with a completely domineering Mother of his own. My own Mother was a vicious narcissist, so their relationship revolved around F being absent and drinking their money, and then grovelling to M to the point whereby he let her walk all over him, wouldn't stand up to her in any scenario even when she was being ridiculous, and M taking out all her frustrations on me, which included simple neglect, violence, and constantly being so irascible that she was completely unapproachable for any reason whatsoever, and any attempt to ask her for anything typically required by children was met with a tirade about how undeserving/needy/demanding/ungrateful you were.

My F was largely absent in terms of being involved in his children's lives, but when he was present he was invariably approachable, pleasant, personable, and never ever raised his hands or his voice to us except once or twice when behaviour had been so poor we really did deserve a bit of disciplining. I had to rely on him for absolutely every aspect of parenting because my mother was the total opposite. Despite being present, she was worse than useless and actively made my live utterly miserable. This continued to be the case long after my F stopped drinking completely, the only real effect of which is that he became much more outwardly miserable, although he was still approachable if you chose the right moment, normally when M was out of earshot.

I've long thought that had they split my F may well have drunk himself to death, but as he was mostly absent in any case it wouldn't have made a lot of difference. M may have been less stressed and less of gorgon had they been permanently split, but I'm not certain about that because even after F's behaviour changed completely she still remained a cantankerous, nasty, cold, thoughtless person, and to be honest I think that's just her nature because she's much the same decades on. I don't see how my experience could have been any worse had they split, because as things were my mental health was wrecked by my mother in any case, and the home environment was utterly hostile to typical things like maintaining friendships with schoolfriends, seeing and visiting relatives, or participating in hobbies and so on, so the privations that may have come with living with a single parent wouldn't have made any difference there, in fact, that aspect, and my mental health could only have improved.

My M is the single biggest reason why I have no relationships with any of our near or extended relatives, why I've had a lifetime of up and down mental health issues, and why I've always been extremely reluctant to do "family" things as an adult, including introducing friends and partners to my parents. Despite that, it's my mild-mannered, kind, generous, warm F who is still considered to be the problematic one because of something he stopped doing nearly 40 years ago. The stigma and shame back then from coming from a "broken" home wouldn't have bothered me one iota, because my home was utterly dysfunctional and "broken" as it was, to the point whereby they were an ongoing embarrassment to me anyway.

ThisGoldHedgehog · 21/03/2024 01:42

I spent a lot of my childhood being miserable. When my parents got divorced, my life got CONSIDERABLY better.

Not quite what you asked, but relevant, I think.

ThisGoldHedgehog · 21/03/2024 01:44

KungBooPanda · 20/03/2024 22:30

This is exactly what I mean. As miserable as the fights or tension were, I always had my mum. I can't imagine being 6 or so and being with my dad without my mum. He wasn't physical but he was furious and intimidating and never had anything to say to me. I would have hated it!

If he never had anything to say to you, why are you assuming he’d want you 50% of the time?

Stillhoping1990 · 21/03/2024 01:45

I would never argue in front of my children because I remember how frightened I was as a child when my parents did it. Their behaviour was disgusting! Hitting and shouting at each other and threatening divorce. Somehow they managed to stay together but I remember wishing they’d just split up. I also think it affected my relationships as an adult and my decision making.

Itsonlymashadow · 21/03/2024 02:13

KungBooPanda · 20/03/2024 22:30

This is exactly what I mean. As miserable as the fights or tension were, I always had my mum. I can't imagine being 6 or so and being with my dad without my mum. He wasn't physical but he was furious and intimidating and never had anything to say to me. I would have hated it!

It’s weird that you said this.

I could simply say ‘hmm I think you are wrong. I don’t believe you. You are wrong’

How come you are so convinced you were happier with them together than you would have been if they were apart? But don’t believe people who believe the opposite?

It’s sounds more like you are trying to convince yourself you would have been happier and can only do that by not believing people who feel differently about their own situation.

If you are so convinced your parents staying together was truly for the best, why can’t you believe that people truly feel theirs would have been happier apart?

tobee · 21/03/2024 02:18

It's so difficult to know though.

One of my bil is still traumatised by his parents splitting up and divorcing, over 40 years ago. He has a very strained relationship with both his parents.

However, it's impossible for him to know what it would have been like if they'd stayed together.

Iwantmybed · 21/03/2024 02:37

My parents weren't blissfully happy but I assumed that was what marriage is and was completely normal. Knowing what I know now, I wished they'd have divorced earlier and found their true happiness sooner.

They divorced in their 50s/60s, it wasn't a good split and it is very awkward dealing with them both, for my sibling and I, but in their own lives they are happy with their new partners.

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