To not believe everyone who says they wish their parents divorced

[KungBooPanda]

For people who grew up in homes that were abusive or toxic or just unhappy, do you truly really wish your parents had split? Even if it meant spending your life between two homes? Even if it meant spending days and days with the abusive/toxic/unhappy parent?

My parents had issues. Im an only child. My dad was an angry and drunk man. Although my childhood was pretty miserable I think I might have been more unhappy being at dad's home by myself for long periods of time.

I'm interested in people's thoughts and reflections.

My DH would be a lot less messed up if my PIL had divorced.

Yes, I remember my brother and I sitting at the kitchen table one day both praying our loud (literally) that they’d stop arguing. We must have been what 6 and 8. Growing up in such a toxic atmosphere has really impacted my ability to have a relationship. I can’t stand any conflict or arguing. I’ve managed to raise 3 teens without any conflict or a cross word. I cannot best to go home and not know what the atmosphere will be. I split with my DC’s father 13yrs ago and we have managed to raise the children into decent adults across 2 homes. We have a good Co-parenting relationship and this has been a million times better than living in a family like mine. It’s just not comparable.

For me yes, I wish my DM had left years earlier. DF we then only seen daytimes when he was sober so no longer had to experience the scary evening drunken abuse.

Yes I do, my dad was in and out of prison and was a drug addict so anytime at home he would just sell anything we belonged (ie tv ie computer etc) and he would beat the shit out of my mum, I wouldn't have went to his home (never went to his girlfriend's!)

If your Dad was dysfunctional would you have spent much time with him? On the whole until recently mothers had majority custody.

My friends parents have been married 50 years. She wishes they had split up about 40 years ago.

She'd have far rather lived in 2 houses with parents who would have been happier & might have met & married other people

@Zanatdy totally agree. 4 kids, never a raised voice, never any tantrums, bad behaviour, no smacking (different generation then), all in good relationships, good jobs and DP and I also never argue.

Yes I did. Mine split when I was 8 for about a year but got back together. I wish they’d stayed apart. They did eventually split again when I was 18, but that still meant far too long living in a house with 2 people who clearly despised each other. Neither were abusive and I was happy spending time at both houses in the brief period they were apart. Together they were toxic, and home was miserable.

My parents definitely should have divorced 20 years ago. Not physically abusing but toxic. It’s even worse now I’m an adult and not living at home.

I absolutely wish my parents had divorced many years before they did. They finally separated just before my 16th birthday. The constant arguments, affairs and regular domestic violence has impacted me way more than having divorced parents ever would. Realistically, would your dad have even wanted to have you living with him for part of the time?

Why wouldn't you believe them I thinks it's pretty accurate.

Also realistically in most of these situations the child wouldn't have a lot of contact with the dysfunctional parent so no need to spend long periods of time to be lonely with them

My parents were toxic together which lead to an incredibly traumatic childhood. Seperately though they were decent parents and I was so much happier when they split

I spent years wishing for my parents to separate. When they did it was a huge relief. A big change with its own upheavals but it taught me much healthier things about a relationship than watching them.

And not all involve a dysfunctional parent. Mine were great parents apart, it was just their relationship that was awful and toxic.

You're right that's very true. Many parents that don't work together are still good parents individually so again it wouldn't be a lonely place to be if the parent was a good parent but a poor partner.

Better to separate but kids shouldn't be sent with abusive drunk parents anyway.

I have great parents and no issues between me and them but I am glad they divorced as they are not suited to each other, no issues apart from being incompatible

Why they got married I have no idea

No-one can understand another's situation.

I wish my dm had found the courage to leave. We wouldn't have had to see f any more because he wouldn't have bothered and we would have been rid of him a lot sooner.

But she didn't - it wasn't the done thing then- and so each of us had 18 miserable years except little sis who jumped ship shortly before her 16th birthday.

This sounds abit 'holier than thou'...tantrums are a normal part of toddler development, and raised voices on occasion don't make someone a bad parent or produce troubled kids :-/ It shows kids that it's normal as a human to feel anger, or get stressed sometimes.
And show me a kid that has never had an episode of 'bad' behaviour ever, and I'll show you a pig that flies 😂

100%, my parents split when I was 13 and it was such a relief. Going between two happier homes was much better than the awful home we were living in before.

I think you underestimate just how much growing up in a toxic environment where shouting etc was the norm fucks you up.

The poster isn't saying they are perfect or holier than thou they are recognising how their current life is as a direct result of the environment they grew up in.

There is no guarantee of living between two homes even with divorced parents.

Mine had a miserable marriage. It was such a relief when they divorced. I felt free. I was 10. I never spent a single night at my dad’s with the exception of a holiday with him and his partner when I was probably 16/17. He’d come to visit. I might go for Christmas lunch with his side of the family. He’d come see my school play. Never had a single overnight, which was great. I don’t think he had much interest in being that sort of parent. And probably enough sense to realise he was shit and shouldn’t try.

I would have had more sleep at least. Trying to sleep whilst keeping my fingers in my ears to block out the arguing, shouting and screaming as my dad hit my mum, was really difficult.

@mindutopia and would you have felt this relief if your dad had demanded overnights do you think?

I'm trying to establish if people who say they wish their partners have divorced would feel the same in this 5050 world where kids are forced to spend time equally?

Very glad my parents divorced and b) that it happened at an age when contact was led by me.

Had I been say under 10, however, I can't imagine how awful contact weekends would have been.