To not believe everyone who says they wish their parents divorced

[KungBooPanda]

For people who grew up in homes that were abusive or toxic or just unhappy, do you truly really wish your parents had split? Even if it meant spending your life between two homes? Even if it meant spending days and days with the abusive/toxic/unhappy parent?

My parents had issues. Im an only child. My dad was an angry and drunk man. Although my childhood was pretty miserable I think I might have been more unhappy being at dad's home by myself for long periods of time.

I'm interested in people's thoughts and reflections.

The problem is that no one who has parents who did stay together can know what life would have been like if they had split. It’s easy to assume that life would have ticked along much as ever but without one parent but that often isn’t the case. In other words, someone might sincerely want their parents to split but might not want the resulting fallout.

Very grateful mine didn't as back then, mothers automatically got custody and my life would have been much worse without my dad to intervene.

50% of the time in a happy, calm home is better than 100% of the time with tension and negativity.

There is rarely a day that goes by where I don’t wonder how much better my life would be now had my parents divorced earlier. I hate who I am as a person which, I now understand thanks to a lot of therapy, is a result of growing up in such an emotionally abusive home with a narcissist for a father. Part of me resents my mum for choosing him and for staying with him as long as she did, even though I knew she was subject to controlling and coercive behaviour and being abused herself. It’s made navigating life as an adult, a wife, an daughter and potentially a mother really difficult and it’s crushing to know it could have been avoided. My tolerance levels for people who say they are “staying together for the kids” are zero.

Oh god yes,I wish they had broken up

I had two homes as it was (I mainly lived with my grandad)

3 would have been bearable and put a stop to the 'if it wasn't for YOU,I could have left your father and been HAPPY!'

(they are still together-53 years of sheer hell)

It's fucked me over in my own relationships-massive red flags where my normal

So yes,they should never have got together in the first place

My parents did divorce and then get back together.

What I wish is that they sorted themselves out because it's hard to say which was worse - when they were together. Each circumstance was utterly dreadful for my sibling and me.

Mine did the same. Only in my case it was complete with getting married again to each other and finally more than a decade later they got divorced again when all their children were adults.

The divorced periods were indefinitely better than the together periods.

My parents did divorce and I think overall it was better. I still had to spend time with an abusive parent but I also got some time in a household without that abusive parent so that was a bonus. And whilst it was generally pretty toxic post divorce (with both parents dragging us kids into their ongoing battles) on balance it was more toxic when they lived together.

God, yes. But I do wish the non-abusive parent pushed for more contact rather than just accept EOW. Still, EOW was more peace than I got when they were together.

Are you afraid of what will happen to your dc if you divorce, op?

I left my ex when dd was 18 months. He was emotionally abusive and it was harmful for her to spend time alone with him. Would it have been better together? No. He was extremely jealous of the relationship between her and me (in his own early childhood, he had been forced to choose his very scary father over his mother). Being in separate homes meant she could cuddle me without him flying into a rage or physically removing her from me. I was able to be my real self again. She spent over half her time in a calm environment.

He was so obviously toxic that the school became concerned. I went back to court and an order was made that he had to have a third party present during his contact. It still wasn't ideal, as he would pile on the charm with them and confuse her by being nasty when he felt he could get away with it.

As soon as she could, she dropped contact. For a teen, it's been infinitely better for her to be able to make that call.

I remember sitting in my room aged 13 listening to my dad screaming at my mum, and wishing that my mum would leave my dad and take me with her. But I knew she wouldn't - they were a different generation and different times. She was a housewife with no income and she was weak and foolish. He was a nasty bully. Plus I had a sibling with SEN who also made everyone's life a misery although obviously not his fault. My mum would never have coped.

When I was 12 my dad started to see other women. He'd disappear for hours, coming home in the early hours or being out all weekend. It took until I was 15 for them to divorce. That was 3 years of them arguing & fighting.

They then took a further 4 years (until I was 19) for them to come to a final settlement. All that time we lived in the same house - my dad had some rooms, we had others. When DM & DF were even within a few yards of each other they argued & fought. It was like those two bits of an atom bomb that come together to cause an explosion. It happened every day from breakfast to bed. I don't think I ever fell asleep before one or two am because I'd be waiting for DF to come home and the rows to start. I never asked friends round.

All during that time they played childish games & my siblings & I were pawns. My brother recently told me he was so scared & anxious he used to wet the bed when they were fighting (he's a lot younger than me).

So, I really wish they'd separated properly when I was 12. Me, my DSis & my DB all have life long mental health problems.

My mother stayed with an emotionally abusive, coercive control based relationship. She didn't love him and still doesn't, but she stayed because church told her marriage is through everything, and she would be judged for leaving. Now he has dementia and is in a care home trying to sleep with other women while guilting her constantly for leaving him there and being an all-round awful person. So she is spending her last healthy years trying to care for someone who is even more openly abusive.
I blame church for the ongoing abuse I suffered because she felt unable to divorce.

Yes, I think social pressures in the past have a lot to answer for. So many unhappy marriages and unhappy children because of the fear of ostracism or disapproval.

We divorced our parents. Sat them down (teens) and told them it was time to call it a day.
Knew DM was unhappy and DF was the best dad ever but they argued all the time.
They were a bit stunned I think, it hit home then what an effect it was having on us.

Once they separated, both got on so much better and still see each other every day.

They stayed in their marriage for us, but it was the wrong thing to do. We wanted 2 happy parents growing up, but it took until we were mature enough to make the decision for them.
I wish they'd have done it when we were younger.

I agree with you OP. My dad wasn't great but I am eternally grateful that my parents stayed together. Having to sell the house, move god know where, see my dad on his own, cope with my parents having other relationships, potentially having step brothers and sisters. That all would have been my worst nightmare.

It's not the case for everyone and of course it depends on just how bad thing are but I'm very glad they stayed together.

Did anyone here experience their parents divorce come out of the blue? For mine that’s what happened. He left after me being aware of an issue for 6 months and we were careful not to argue in front of the children. They told me they had no idea it was coming. In many ways this worries me as their world fell apart over night. I can see how it might impact their trust in relationships. This is why I’ve worked very hard to coparent well. We still do birthdays / Xmas as a family. But it does worry me a lot.

My parents split. It was horrible, I barely saw my dad, my mum had loads of boyfirends. They slagged eachother off to me all the time. I cannot imagine the hell it'd have been if they'd stayed together though, mum was really explosive, she'd have been physical alot, dad was cruel and quite frankly a bully. It would have been hell.

Thank you for sharing all your stories. Some of them are fucking horrendous and all credit to you for surviving it and also having such insight and perspective on what you went through

Of course people are right it's impossible to know what life would have been like if our parents had separated. It may have been better but I know one friend who persuaded her mum to leave her dad (who was a total arsehole) and her mum had a psychotic breakdown post separation and is still not able to live independently.

I am just interested as people often tell women on here to protect their kids and leave but I think that can feel like the opposite of protection for some women, it can feel like abandonment.

My parents separated when I was 18. They had stayed together for us when we were kids.

I absolutely do wish they had divorced earlier. The tension in the house was unbearable at times and I often didn't go home because of it. I understand why they stayed together but feel that they haven't really shown us what a healthy relationship looks like.

I feel my parents should have divorced. I asked my mum once why they didn't when I was about 16, and she said because she had nowhere to go. What a sad life. I'd have been happier for her to have gone and found her own life, my dad made her live a very sheltered life, away from friends and family which got worse when she had to give up work aged 40 due to ill heath.

I have great parents and no issues between me and them but I am glad they divorced as they are not suited to each other, no issues apart from being incompatible Why they got married I have no idea

I am divorced and my children have said the same! @WandaWonder

I very much doubt your mums friends breakdown was simply due to leaving her arse hole husband. That one thing isn’t what triggered it.

I can see why women choose to stay sometimes. But more often than not ‘I am staying with him because of the kids’ is actually ‘I am staying because I am afraid of the alternative and being alone’ and I do get that. It took me 3 years to actually leave.

But it’s not staying for the kids. And very often the kids would be better off if they did split.

That is not usual. Most women who leave unhappy marriages end up much happier.

A different perspective, my parents stayed together for the kids and split when we were adults.

In hindsight, I think the relationship was loveless and they might have been happier separately, but it wasn’t toxic/abusive and certainly not to me and my siblings. I often see similar situations described on here and people are often encouraged to leave the relationship.

I am so, so glad my parents stayed. I would have absolutely hated living between two houses, my parents were both very involved in my life day to day and I would certainly have lost out if we were shipped between them instead of them being able to split responsibilities relating to the various kids between them. I’m grateful that they were both able to prioritise us over their own desires and not create a toxic environment for us to grow up in.

I suspect quite a few people feel like you @dinkydonky Of course all the stories of abuse and violence - its indisputable that its right to leave - but otherwise I think most kids would rather have parents cohabiting without much love, than living in 2 homes.