Confronted friend for pulling out of trip

[anxiousannie2022]

My friend, let's name her Mary is friends with Ann and Jo. I have met Jo a few times & we get on. I'm not a direct friend but I would socialise with her when with Mary and Ann.

Jo has organised a weekend trip this year. Mary got on to me a few months ago and said I have to go, last year's was so much fun. A Whatsapp group of 15 people was set up and all said they were in. I don't know anyone except for Ann, Mary and Jo. Jo booked her flights, Mary said she'd book when she had a free minute and I said I'd book on payday. Payday came, I spent 300 euro on flights. Radio silence from Ann & Mary.

I PM'd Mary to ask was she booking and she said she wasn't sure now, she's going to try for another baby and will have to see closer to the time. I was miffed as there was no indication before this that were was any doubt, & while I realise having a baby is a priority, a heads up would've been good as I don't really know anyone else going & was missing a good friends hen party to attend this trip. I also am aware trying for a baby is private so no need to share those details. Just a "I mightn't be able to go for personal reasons, just in case that affects you wanting to go" kind of thing.

Weeks later, I'm having dinner with Mary. She drops in she's going on a weekend away with Ann and did I want to come on xxx date - the same date of Jo's trip! I said no as I'm going on Jo's trip? Mary said "oh is that the same weekend?" Then said she wasn't sure about going on Jo's trip as it was a different group of pals and her and Ann didn't like them. They told Jo they are not sure about their trip, as both trying for babies.

I was annoyed as felt I could have been given some indication they may not be going as I wouldn't have booked otherwise. Financially, I could have done without a trip where I know 1 acquaintance and the rest are strangers.
I voice-noted Mary this morning - a nice message with general chit chat & brought up re Jo's trip. I said nicely, a heads up would have been good & while I'm not trying to make them feel bad, I feel awkward about going and I wouldn't have booked if I'd known they may not be able to go.

I got some long texts back about being stressed due to a variety of personal goings on, that she didn't know she would be trying for a baby, this trip was far down list of her priorities, she's mixed up the dates and her and Ann's trip is not the same weekend & nothing to stop me heading on my own or cancelling and going to my friends hen (at a significant expense now as can't get refund for flights).
I replied to say I was unaware of all that going on and that's completely understandable - from my perspective I'd been told a few different things and was confused but that's all fine.

She kept going and said I was told a few different things as there's hopes and reality and reality happens quite often for most people. Again I said I understand, but I'm not a mind-reader and could only go but what I was told and what is in messages and I have more of an understanding now. Have had no response since except a thumbs up and now feel really awkward and bad. Was it correct to call her out without knowing all the details of what was happening with her? I just feel like I couldn't have known only what I was told. I feel awful now. She is a very close friend.

I think rather than saying, 'my understanding was...' you should have been direct and just asked- why did she ask you to go if she wasn't sure of going and why did she say last time was a lot of fun and much later said, they didn't like people on the group to the point of not booking another trip.

Why do you feel awful??
there weren’t any circumstances preventing her to go on the trip that should make you feel awful.
she just was flaky friend!

Im sorry to hear how this has gone
My views

As your friends knew when you were planning to book. And knew they were the two people you actually knew on the trip. And they were the ones who invited you.
They should have told you before payday, if theyre nice people and considerate - that they were having second thoughts. And that actually they are not sure if they'll go.
Them giving certainty and then reducing that breaks trust. So yes thats them being bad friends.

Equally them doing the same thing twice about inviting you on trips then saying they're not sure after - they're repeating that behaviour.

There is no excuse for being inconsiderate. Ie fair enough they have stuff going on but it doesnt mean it detracts from the effect of their behaviour on their friend ie you.

Things to takeaway

• if you plan to go on trips, especially with these people, make sure they have booked before you book. Better yet get them to book for you both and pay them back when you are there in person. That way they'll be way less likely to keep dropping out.
• i would re evaluate how close you are to these people. Nice you see them ect but it doesnt sound safe for your peace to be planning big expensive activities with them when they're unreliable and inconsiderate towards you.

They have not considered you very much and hence you have been left in a position where you are inconvenced by them.

At this stage, as you.
Go and make the best of it because you cant get the money back. Unless its going to be a lot more than the expense youve already covered.
Maybe you can alter plans and do a more you trip instead of meeting up with that group. Ie make good use of the flights.

Be very straight with your friends that because they had given you a clear yes then flaked and not told you. It has cost you money and eroded at sense of trust you have in the friendship. If you just say how you feel. And leave it at that. Then they know.
And if they're nice friends having a major wobble, they will care.
If they are not such great friends, they won't care, will continue to behave in an inconsiderate manner, and i personally think you're wellbeing and happiness would be improved if you choose to spend time with people who care more about you and how their actions impact you. Ie are responsible for their actions.

If they were nice, its fair to have personal stuff its fair that they may think you'd double check to be cautious.
But it's also fair that they as friends should care if theyve let you down, and also show that in changed behaviour. And saying sorry rather than excuse making.

Anyone can have busy reasons, but just because you are busy with one thing doesnt mean its mutually exclusive to how that impacts other things.
/people. Even if it's out of ignorance.

Ie if you walk into someone, or drop something on them by accident or just didn't think, you can still care if they experience upset as a cause of your actions.
Thats the issue with your friends. Is its they're okay maybe didnt have bad intentions. But also it was inconsiderate. But really the issue is when you raise it and they don't care.

You did have the power to mitigate the situation by asking them the day you book flights for solid confirmation.
Your risk for trusting your friends and not doing that meant that you now pay the price.
It sucks.

But you do have the power to:

• not make the same decision with trust and bookings. Ie check.
• choose different friends that care more about you.

If you do both of those in future you will be happier.
Although you cant go back and implement that.

And jt also sucks that you had that level of trust with your friends and they let you down.

In short. You paid a price for trusting your friends.

If you tell them that.
How do they respond and act?
Based off their reactions and actions /behaviour, what do you want to accept for yourself?

You can't make people be nicer than what they are.

You kept telling her you understand and that it's all ok, would be grand.

People like Mary are unreliable. We all know priorities can change but if you are at that stage in life, better not involve in your erratic life. She didn't have to try to convince you to go on this trip.

I think a lot of people told you that YANBU but you're still confused, so I think now you need to decide yourself.

But this poor woman could book a trip with another friend for April ( original trip in May) despite all these problems?

@HollyKnight this is what happened

Glad to see most supported you

"nothing to stop me heading on my own or cancelling and going to my friends hen"

This sentence all.on it's own is selfish and thoughtless.. she could have simply written " I'm so sorry you're absolutely right , I should have given you a heads up but I really didn't think " end of and op, you sound more then reasonable, you understand they have their own lives that's their priority.. shame they don't recognise this for you.

Did you go in the end OP? And are you still friends with Mary? Does she still have as much of a brass neck?