Confronted friend for pulling out of trip

[anxiousannie2022]

My friend, let's name her Mary is friends with Ann and Jo. I have met Jo a few times & we get on. I'm not a direct friend but I would socialise with her when with Mary and Ann.

Jo has organised a weekend trip this year. Mary got on to me a few months ago and said I have to go, last year's was so much fun. A Whatsapp group of 15 people was set up and all said they were in. I don't know anyone except for Ann, Mary and Jo. Jo booked her flights, Mary said she'd book when she had a free minute and I said I'd book on payday. Payday came, I spent 300 euro on flights. Radio silence from Ann & Mary.

I PM'd Mary to ask was she booking and she said she wasn't sure now, she's going to try for another baby and will have to see closer to the time. I was miffed as there was no indication before this that were was any doubt, & while I realise having a baby is a priority, a heads up would've been good as I don't really know anyone else going & was missing a good friends hen party to attend this trip. I also am aware trying for a baby is private so no need to share those details. Just a "I mightn't be able to go for personal reasons, just in case that affects you wanting to go" kind of thing.

Weeks later, I'm having dinner with Mary. She drops in she's going on a weekend away with Ann and did I want to come on xxx date - the same date of Jo's trip! I said no as I'm going on Jo's trip? Mary said "oh is that the same weekend?" Then said she wasn't sure about going on Jo's trip as it was a different group of pals and her and Ann didn't like them. They told Jo they are not sure about their trip, as both trying for babies.

I was annoyed as felt I could have been given some indication they may not be going as I wouldn't have booked otherwise. Financially, I could have done without a trip where I know 1 acquaintance and the rest are strangers.
I voice-noted Mary this morning - a nice message with general chit chat & brought up re Jo's trip. I said nicely, a heads up would have been good & while I'm not trying to make them feel bad, I feel awkward about going and I wouldn't have booked if I'd known they may not be able to go.

I got some long texts back about being stressed due to a variety of personal goings on, that she didn't know she would be trying for a baby, this trip was far down list of her priorities, she's mixed up the dates and her and Ann's trip is not the same weekend & nothing to stop me heading on my own or cancelling and going to my friends hen (at a significant expense now as can't get refund for flights).
I replied to say I was unaware of all that going on and that's completely understandable - from my perspective I'd been told a few different things and was confused but that's all fine.

She kept going and said I was told a few different things as there's hopes and reality and reality happens quite often for most people. Again I said I understand, but I'm not a mind-reader and could only go but what I was told and what is in messages and I have more of an understanding now. Have had no response since except a thumbs up and now feel really awkward and bad. Was it correct to call her out without knowing all the details of what was happening with her? I just feel like I couldn't have known only what I was told. I feel awful now. She is a very close friend.

The friend already has a young child, a child who has been very ill for months, which included making multiple trips to A&E, while her husband was out of the country meaning she had to deal with that on her own, while having other family trouble, and potentially moving/leaving the country before the Lisbon trip is to happen etc.

So, unless you are Superwoman, I imagine all that would push a jolly with your mates down your list of priorities somewhat.

@HollyKnight or should I call you Mary.
I agree things happen in peoples lives and a trip with friends becomes low priority. However if you are that person,when you realise your friend has spent a wad on flights to go away with people she hardly knows at your bequest do you:
a) apologise sincerely and vow to make it up in the future

b) whinge and moan about how busy and important you are and try to make friend feel guilty for having brought up the topic. Who cares about her having to go away with a bunch of strangers, pshaw you have real problems in your life ?

I’m glad you’re still going on the trip. You’ll probably end up enjoying it and hopefully end up making some new friends so you won’t be so reliant on Mary and Ann. I think Mary asking you to go on the weekend away with them was really odd - she’d already used it as the reason she couldn’t go on the trip you’d booked for and then suddenly it no longer coincided. I wouldn’t worry about upsetting either of them - they’re inconsiderate and have treated you very shoddily.

FGS don't feel guilty! I think that by confronting your friend in a super nice way hoping to elicit an apology has backfired. She's sensed that this is uncomfortable for you and has cast herself as victim so you'll back down. Do you wish you'd been more forthright? Can you see you yourself still maintaining a good friendship with her?

Um how is any of that relevant to me correcting someone on their "PFB" comment, and their statement that there are no circumstances in which a change of plans would not be immediately communicated?

At no point did I say the OP wasn't owed an apology.

Her: "I said that during a very hectic UK trip when we had several A&E trips with (her DD) and have had months of sickness and a nightmare with (her sister) living here since we've been back. And very unhappy children and lots of travel and lots of absent (DH). This trip has been pretty far from my mind most of the time.

People say yes when they mean no. It's just social lip service in the moment. This is not unusual, I find many other people very selfish and flakey.
She let you down and she knows it, hence the emotionally charged, manipulative nature of her text above. Politeness means you can't dispute it any further. A&E, children, illness.

I'd get over Mary not coming on the trip but not the way she has made herself a victim and me some sort of diva. I wouldn't be impressed with this at all. Oily as fuck.

Mary has acted poorly but her response and reaction, imo is worse and shows that your feelings are irrelevant to her.

Go have an amazing time and don't waste any more energy on the lovely Mary!

A simple, "I'm sorry, I said yes when I shouldn't have, then buried my head. I fucked it up and let you down.", would have been far preferable (to me) to the long-winded defensive poor-me crap she came back at you with.

I have little respect for those who try to control my natural feelings about poor treatment by cornering me with emotional blackmail.
It leaves you with two options; swallow their pish or be hailed a cunt.
Neither suit me so I tend to let them go. No rancour but no effort either.

They aren’t your friends! I believe your perception of the friendship and it’s closeness is different to theirs! Id message the group explaining you now only know Jo and it would be great to meet some more people prior to the trip if that’s possible! Make yourself some new friends who won’t screw you over! These two have had conversations and never approached you directly to explain why they aren’t going! Her responses are also incredibly childish and she’s trying to justify being a shitty friend and these over explainations of multiple issues (which were never brought to your attention at any time) proves their guilt and she’s trying to make you feel bad!

Long shot, but is there anyone in the Lisbon group that hasn’t yet booked a flight? Maybe paying to change the name on the ticket and selling the flight might recoup some of your loss, then you could go to the hen night?

You've been royally messed about OP, and now Mary's guilt-tripping you for daring to mind. YANBU.

YANBU.

I'd be absolutely furious OP! I think you've reacted very calmly, all things considered. You were led to believe the trip was a definite goer, so you booked your flights, a perfectly reasonable thing to, based on the information you were given. But now they've back-tracked and are doing something else!

Now you're on a trip with one occasional acquaintance and a bunch of Randoms. Fuck that.

Mary is NOT a good friend, and Ann isn't much better. Time to start fostering an independent (of Mary and Ann) relationship with Jo I say. The only one of the 3 who actually seems reliable.

I do agree with you @Honestmama .

I'm 48 now and personal experience says you're absolutely right.
There was ample opportunity for Mary (as well as Ann) to be upfront about her/their change of plans or any other issues. At best, they didn't consider or care how pulling out would affect OP at all...which of course it has.

Great advice to suggest a wee social before the holiday. Turn a negative into a positive.

Yes, sounds very flaky. I'd be quite hurt if my friends treated me like this. I hope you go on the trip and have a great time with the other ladies. You sound like someone who can make the best of things and deserves to. xx

Personally I'd have wanted to know they had booked before I did. But hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it? Whether I'd have said something depends on what I hoped to achieve, and realistically, what did you want from the 'calling out'? because there's presumably little that can be done about it now. She's not going to go on the trip, and so the best you'd get is an apology, which is of no practical help.
So I think on balance I'd have been more inclined to just privately add it to my knowledge of Jo, and ammend my own behaviour going forward, specifically not commit myself to anything that relied on her.

I'd be dropping this melt, 'Mary'.

Mary sounds like incredibly hard work OP, what do you get from her friendship?

Sounds like an absolute nightmare and she should’ve apologised and been straight with you before. I’d distance yourself from her now. She definitely sounds self centred and unreliable/flakey.

I had a similar holiday drama with a best friend. After I’d booked and paid to go on a holiday with her and her family abroad about 3 months before we were due to go away she emailed me to say her partner and father of her DD (whom she’d been separated from but they’d connected casually since the start of the year) wanted to come too instead of me, and gave reasons why they hadn’t had a holiday together when their DD was a baby etc. Of course I was angry and especially as I didn’t think she’d do anything. I demanded my deposit back and then demanded she tell boyfriend I was coming not him and then told her once she’d done that no I’m not coming (I could see she’d hold it against me if I came and not him). But the relationship was over and she mentioned something in passing (just to do with a comment a man had said to her/me) which had annoyed her but really it was deflecting from her behaviour. About 3-6 months after this I thought maybe I overreacted so messaged her on linked in and she seemed friendly. Only to afterwards see comments to a mutual friend about what a bitch and nutcase I was. So after that I definitely blocked deleted and ended things. As per @ChristmasFluff my friend did apologise and bend over backwards to try to resolve this but… I then heard from old friends that she drops friends when a man comes on the scene. And when we were last together on her birthday (a few weeks before her email) she had the chance but not the balls to speak to me then.

I agree with this. It’s pretty clear that, unintentional though it may have been, they have fucked up big time and put you in a shit position. Yes plans change but then you make sure you inform your friend asap so that they can make a decision accordingly. And then to say they don’t really like Jo’s friends anyway?!? Well why the hell would they encourage you to go on the trip in the first place??

And now instead of Mary just owning the fact that she and Ann have been rubbish, and apologising and possibly even trying to sort out the holiday mess, she just comes out with loads of excuses (and they ARE excuses, sorry).

I just couldn’t be doing with the lack of consideration shown throughout this whole debacle. Good friends don’t do that.

@HollyKnight thank you, I must indeed be Superwoman, as I managed to be the carer for my dying father and my demented mother, whilst having a son and a job, without turning into a twat who disregarded my friends.

A text takes ten seconds, and an apology is faster than a self-justifying rant.

So maybe I'm just a normal human, unlike self-centered Mary.

This.

All they needed to do was text you directly and say... I'm not 100 per cent sure I can make this trip ( too many uncertainties here atm). and then you wouldn't have booked.

And they could have just said up front, we don't like some of the other girls without guilt tripping you about IVF etc... and as for casually saying go on your own ( we don't want to go but you can if it shuts you up)

Sure they have life issues like everyone else (the reality speech - was patronising and lecturing) but I think they left you high and dry. Perhaps this was not deliberate but they both sound quite self centred.

However it sounds like you can make the best of it as you are sociable. But I hope if they do expect an apology for having the "cheek" to question their actions that you won't make it a fulsome one.

Mary has used every reply to you to say that her life is so much more important and has never said sorry in any form. She’s turning it round as though you’re being unreasonable every time. That’s the most annoying bit, and what indicates she’s not a great friend. I’ve had loads going on in my life too, and probably been a bit flaky sometimes, but if I was in Mary’s position I’d be mortified if I’d forgotten to tell you that I wasn’t going and you spent £100s.
I hope you have a great trip and that you make better friends while there. I’d let Mary and her terribly important life slide onto the back burner personally.

But Mary is already booking other trips - London weekend - with mates, so none of it can be that bad.

Ultimately, she's out of order.

Yep, this is what I thought.

Mary is out of order.

She convinced you to join her non a trip, then found out people where going she didn't like. Decided not to go herself and don't bother to tell you.

We all have stuff going on in our lives. She's totally manipulating you to feeling bad for raising it but honestly, she's a shit friend.

And she knows too well you wouldn't have considered the trip if she wasn't going, but has no remorse whatsoever.

She is DARVO inc you.