Confronted friend for pulling out of trip

[anxiousannie2022]

My friend, let's name her Mary is friends with Ann and Jo. I have met Jo a few times & we get on. I'm not a direct friend but I would socialise with her when with Mary and Ann.

Jo has organised a weekend trip this year. Mary got on to me a few months ago and said I have to go, last year's was so much fun. A Whatsapp group of 15 people was set up and all said they were in. I don't know anyone except for Ann, Mary and Jo. Jo booked her flights, Mary said she'd book when she had a free minute and I said I'd book on payday. Payday came, I spent 300 euro on flights. Radio silence from Ann & Mary.

I PM'd Mary to ask was she booking and she said she wasn't sure now, she's going to try for another baby and will have to see closer to the time. I was miffed as there was no indication before this that were was any doubt, & while I realise having a baby is a priority, a heads up would've been good as I don't really know anyone else going & was missing a good friends hen party to attend this trip. I also am aware trying for a baby is private so no need to share those details. Just a "I mightn't be able to go for personal reasons, just in case that affects you wanting to go" kind of thing.

Weeks later, I'm having dinner with Mary. She drops in she's going on a weekend away with Ann and did I want to come on xxx date - the same date of Jo's trip! I said no as I'm going on Jo's trip? Mary said "oh is that the same weekend?" Then said she wasn't sure about going on Jo's trip as it was a different group of pals and her and Ann didn't like them. They told Jo they are not sure about their trip, as both trying for babies.

I was annoyed as felt I could have been given some indication they may not be going as I wouldn't have booked otherwise. Financially, I could have done without a trip where I know 1 acquaintance and the rest are strangers.
I voice-noted Mary this morning - a nice message with general chit chat & brought up re Jo's trip. I said nicely, a heads up would have been good & while I'm not trying to make them feel bad, I feel awkward about going and I wouldn't have booked if I'd known they may not be able to go.

I got some long texts back about being stressed due to a variety of personal goings on, that she didn't know she would be trying for a baby, this trip was far down list of her priorities, she's mixed up the dates and her and Ann's trip is not the same weekend & nothing to stop me heading on my own or cancelling and going to my friends hen (at a significant expense now as can't get refund for flights).
I replied to say I was unaware of all that going on and that's completely understandable - from my perspective I'd been told a few different things and was confused but that's all fine.

She kept going and said I was told a few different things as there's hopes and reality and reality happens quite often for most people. Again I said I understand, but I'm not a mind-reader and could only go but what I was told and what is in messages and I have more of an understanding now. Have had no response since except a thumbs up and now feel really awkward and bad. Was it correct to call her out without knowing all the details of what was happening with her? I just feel like I couldn't have known only what I was told. I feel awful now. She is a very close friend.

No, I didn't. She did say no reason you can't go alone like I did last year. I don't think she knew many of Jo's friends but the difference is Jo and her are close friends. I don't think she was trying to pawn me off though, no.

Wow I’d be seriously pissed off with Mary. Having roped you into the trip she absolutely should have clued you in that she wasn’t 100% about going - and saying “will book when I have a free minute” is the exact opposite of that.

I don’t think YOU should be worried you’ve upset HER.

Don’t waste time worrying you’ve upset someone that didn’t consider you at all.

I hope you have a good trip.

Sounds like this friendship is unbalanced. She's not worried about upsetting you, she's clearly not being apologetic or trying to make you feel better, yet you are being apologetic. You're acting as or coming across as the 'underdog' in this - as in you value her friendship and are worried about losing it, she doesn't and is not.

Please don’t feel awful or let her minimise your upset. She is the one in the wrong and you should be backing off from these “friends”

She didn't think twice about you though so don't even think about how upset she may be.

I'd imagine any upset from her will be because she knows what she has done is wrong but wants to be seen as the victim in all this.

"Any time you asked I told you what was true for me at that time."

Ooh, that would piss me right off! "Anything I say to you is only true whilst the words are leaving my face."

"There's hopes and reality," she says! This is nothing to do with bloody "hopes and reality"! This is about committing to plans and pulling out at the last minute without communicating!

I think your friend has behaved very badly but I also would have waited for confirmation that she had booked before booking.

Anyway, hopefully you will foster some good friendships on this trip. You never know, they could become good friends, as you will more time to spend with them than if your friend came too.

Shady behaviour and no remorse.

I'd go on the trip, have a good time, make the effort to get to know the new group and change friendship groups.

I hope it's a brilliant trip!

Thanks everyone for the advice. I have lots of good friends and am a social person so I think the trip will still be fun, even if it is not really what I had signed up for. I do not like drama or confrontation normally, and I treasure my friendships hence I do feel a bit anxious/worried about this and as it was laid on me a list of personal things that were going on in Mary's life, though I didn't know, I feel a little guilty I guess.

I used to be friends with someone who behaved like this with me on one occasion.

Note the use of the words used and once.

These people are not your friends, I would distance myself from them.

I wouldn’t worry about that. It was really awful of her to not give you a heads up she might not be going. I think I would have done a quick triple check that they were ready to book before I did, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have let you know when they started having doubts.

Mary doesn't sound like a good friend at all. Even if she had just gone "Oh my gosh Annie, you're so right, I convinced you to go on that trip and it's just been so hectic here I should have kept you up to date with what was happening. I'm so sorry." you would have been absolutely fine with that I expect.

Don't message anything further to her. She has behaved appallingly and minimised your feelings and costs. If she is at all decent she will realise that eventually.

I have no idea why 'trying for a baby' is any kind of excuse! The trip was just a few days, not months!
I agree - they should have told you for sure if they weren't going as soon as they had second thoughts.

I really cannot be bothered with people who flake out on you and then have a super serious excuse for why they can't come (but still no excuse for why they didn't say no earlier). I have a colleague who does this. Doesn't turn up, then waits for you to ask where she is and it turns out her dog was run over or she was mugged or a close family member was rushed to hospital that morning or something. I think she likes the drama of being the victim. "I was giving actual CPR to little Fluffy but all that callous bitch could think about was whether I was joining her Zoom call."

Mary is a bitch - she has treated you badly and is doubling down out of embarrassment. Don’t let her off easy! Bet her weekend with Ann is the same weekend and she knew all along!

So sanctimonious with all the “this trip is so far from my mind” as if she is so busy and important! Don’t apologise for sticking up for yourself - she’s one for the bin.

I think you need to place a higher value on yourself in all this. Your friend made this Lisbon trip sound amazing, then didn't bother to tell you she'd changed her mind until after you'd committed to it. (Next time, if there is a next time, you'll know better than to book until you've confirmed that she has, as well.) Instead of caring about that, she's weaseling out of her role in it and trying to make you feel guilty for being understandably disappointed by the whole situation.

You're worrying about how your words may have damaged the friendship, but she's apparently not worried that she's doing damage. If anything has changed between you two, she's more to blame, imo.

If anything you have been too reasonable. This was a s!@t thing to do to you. At least they should give you the money you will lose.

Honestly OP, it sounds like Mary has done you a favour by dropping out. Now you don't have to spend a holiday with her being tedious. Hope you enjoy the trip and make lots of new friends.

Being busy and distracted is absolutely no excuse. If I'm reading this correctly, she said she would book when she had a free minute. But actually never wanted to go because she doesn't like some of the people going. Being busy doesn't mean that it's OK to commit to a trip with other people who you know will book and pay, even when you've got no intention of going.

She also bullshitted you with TTC excuses which weren't valid given she was planning another trip at the same time, for which TTC wasn't a consideration.

She is giving you a load of justification for behaviour that isn't OK, and hasn't once acknowledged that this has wasted a load of your money.

Basically she didn't think about the effect on you at all, and still doesn't now it's been pointed out. I'd be mortified if someone had shelled out for a trip away with me (when it's obvious it was to go with me and not the wider group) and then I didn't go.

The only mistake you have made is to think that Mary is your friend.

She is not.

She's tried to cover up the shitness of her friendship and behaviour by detailing stuff that's going on in her life. Well guess what, everyone has stuff going on.

You need to get rid of all of them.

Cancel your flights if possible and ghost this bunch of bitches.

Mary is not your friend she's a selfish asshole. I can't believe she used the lame excuses TTC to as a reason she couldn't go on a weekend trip. it's just ridiculous.

Then she tried to twist it back on you, making it look like you're the bad guy. I would ditch Mary for good.

I hope you have a good time with this new group and that some better friendships come out of it

Don't be upset that this may have damaged your friendship as you didn't do it! All you did was notice what she had done and ask her about it. She then employed the DARVO technique to shift her guilt to you. Not much of a friend. I'd put her somewhere "so far from my mind" in future. Particularly when she wants something from you - thinking she'll be the sort to invite you to a baby shower for free gifts - best to be unavailable or don't respond or say you are coming and cry off at the last minute.

I'd leave it as an awkward silence as she really needs to apologise for messing you around and costing you a fair amount of money. It looks as though she won't apologise or even accept that her behaviour was inconsiderate so you'll probably get silence until she wants something. When she does you can say that you can't afford it as the holiday has wiped you out as far as socialising goes for the current time.

Hope you do go on the trip and have a great time and post lots of pictures of it!

You didn't damage the friendship she did, and tbh her response was a bit shitty too, if not be quite as pissed off if she'd just apologised and owned the issue, rather than the reasons she gave.

£300 is no small amount of money and of course I expect you have to take time off work which is also precious. I'm sore you'll have a lovely time, and hopefully make some new friends as I'm not sure your current friends value you as much as you value them.

YANBU, it was a shitty thing for them to do to you

These two women who are messing you about are close friends?? Shakes head in disbelief.