Confronted friend for pulling out of trip

[anxiousannie2022]

My friend, let's name her Mary is friends with Ann and Jo. I have met Jo a few times & we get on. I'm not a direct friend but I would socialise with her when with Mary and Ann.

Jo has organised a weekend trip this year. Mary got on to me a few months ago and said I have to go, last year's was so much fun. A Whatsapp group of 15 people was set up and all said they were in. I don't know anyone except for Ann, Mary and Jo. Jo booked her flights, Mary said she'd book when she had a free minute and I said I'd book on payday. Payday came, I spent 300 euro on flights. Radio silence from Ann & Mary.

I PM'd Mary to ask was she booking and she said she wasn't sure now, she's going to try for another baby and will have to see closer to the time. I was miffed as there was no indication before this that were was any doubt, & while I realise having a baby is a priority, a heads up would've been good as I don't really know anyone else going & was missing a good friends hen party to attend this trip. I also am aware trying for a baby is private so no need to share those details. Just a "I mightn't be able to go for personal reasons, just in case that affects you wanting to go" kind of thing.

Weeks later, I'm having dinner with Mary. She drops in she's going on a weekend away with Ann and did I want to come on xxx date - the same date of Jo's trip! I said no as I'm going on Jo's trip? Mary said "oh is that the same weekend?" Then said she wasn't sure about going on Jo's trip as it was a different group of pals and her and Ann didn't like them. They told Jo they are not sure about their trip, as both trying for babies.

I was annoyed as felt I could have been given some indication they may not be going as I wouldn't have booked otherwise. Financially, I could have done without a trip where I know 1 acquaintance and the rest are strangers.
I voice-noted Mary this morning - a nice message with general chit chat & brought up re Jo's trip. I said nicely, a heads up would have been good & while I'm not trying to make them feel bad, I feel awkward about going and I wouldn't have booked if I'd known they may not be able to go.

I got some long texts back about being stressed due to a variety of personal goings on, that she didn't know she would be trying for a baby, this trip was far down list of her priorities, she's mixed up the dates and her and Ann's trip is not the same weekend & nothing to stop me heading on my own or cancelling and going to my friends hen (at a significant expense now as can't get refund for flights).
I replied to say I was unaware of all that going on and that's completely understandable - from my perspective I'd been told a few different things and was confused but that's all fine.

She kept going and said I was told a few different things as there's hopes and reality and reality happens quite often for most people. Again I said I understand, but I'm not a mind-reader and could only go but what I was told and what is in messages and I have more of an understanding now. Have had no response since except a thumbs up and now feel really awkward and bad. Was it correct to call her out without knowing all the details of what was happening with her? I just feel like I couldn't have known only what I was told. I feel awful now. She is a very close friend.

The only thing worse than friends being shit, is friends being shit, and if you call them out, they make you feel like you are the bad guy. Ugh. Don’t apologise.

They are flakey and out of order. Maybe they are a bit disorganised. I am astonished by people sometimes. I once arranged to go to the theatre with a friend - I gave three months notice and they cancelled on the actual day because they wanted to “do up” their house.

It’s pretty annoying how she keeps saying it’s far from her mind and it’s so low on her priorities… it was higher on her priorities than it was on yours as she was the one who convinced you to go in the first place 😂 she seems quite self absorbed actually. If it was me I’d probably pull out but if you don’t mind going a meeting some new people then who knows you might have a really lovely time.

I'm not sure how old you are but I'm 24 and I've realised life is too short to deal with 'friends ' like this .

I'm the only one in my group of friends who has a child and I'm always upfront if I can't go on holiday with them whether that's due to childcare money or anything else. And the 'things going on in her life' are things the rest of us deal with without being shit friends

I really understand your frustration and think you’ve absolutely done the right thing calling your friend out. You seem like a lovely person who values friendship but be careful of Mary as she sounds like a selfish twat!

She 100 percent should have told you she has no plans to go but she didn’t care enough to stop you. She then has used absolutely every excuse under the sun to make herself the victim in all of this after youve called her out instead of just saying sorry. Absolutely hate people like that!

Her behaviour is awful, you deserve a lot better!

Have the most amazing time away

Some people struggle to give heartfelt apologies when they are in the wrong. Perhaps she grew up seeing that admitting fault was a despicable weakness, who knows.

If you can overlook this inability or unwillingness in her then you can move on. But the fact you have essentially asked her to apologise and instead she has come up with various excuses (not reasons), becoming more defensive each time, seems to indicate that she would prefer to withdraw rather than reflect or change.

Honestly after reading the updates she is still in the wrong. Even if it was a genuine mistake, she didn't see/register your message about booking the following week etc. it was still a mistake, she should have apologised and acknowledged her mistake not became defensive.

I'd struggle to continue a close friendship with someone like that. I wouldn't fall out but I'd probably pull back a bit.

She doesn’t come across well in those messages. As soon as you had her pinned down that she told you she was going to book in Jan (when she had a minute!), she comes out with a load of woe is me excuses, including vague medical ones to make you feel bad. She sounds very self important too (so busy, so stressed, unable to give headspace about a silly weekend away - unlike you….).

A simple apology would have been better.
I can’t get over the fact she’s the one who persuaded you to go!

What about Ann? What is her excuse for bailing out?

I would have doubled checked with them before booking the flights, I think you know you should have done this

I'm not as close with Ann but would know her well enough that I attended her wedding. Mary and Ann are very close though. Ann says she is also TTC but Ann also hadn't told me to go on the trip etc. So don't feel as odd about it with her.

I guess I assumed that as I had said on the group chat that i was going to book the following Friday, that if there was any reason to hold back it would brought forth. But Yes I agree I should have double checked and will know for future reference for sure.

I’d be fairly pissed. She could have 100% told you that she was not fully sure, didn’t even have to go into reasons, and you could have held off booking. Go, have fun, learn for next time.

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

You know what they've done is not morally aligned with your values, you're being kind because you don't want to lose your otherwise good friendship but I think you need to unapologetically distance yourself from them. X

Just read your latest update. She knows full well she’s screwed you over and she is not a good friend. Trying to gaslight you and change the narrative is plain nasty! You’d respect her more if she said, sorry, I fucked up, let’s go halves. You’ve prioritized this friendship and cost over something that would have been better and came up later. She’s done the opposite - what a nasty cow! Get angry and be angry. There’s nothing wrong with telling her how it is and letting her know how hurt and upset you are. I mean, really, who knowingly lets a friend fork out on flights and then doesn’t book for themself?

I would be super pissed. And not nearly as accommodating as you seem to be in you texts.

I would still go. I've been to things before where I knew no one and made some good friends.

Mary sounds awful. Why are you friends with her? I feel it might be more of a one sided friendship and she doesn’t really give a shit about you. 🤷‍♀️

she didn't know she would be trying for a baby,

Well, that's rubbish of course but that is her private thing. No need to share it with anyone.

It's why I love travelling solo. No drama! Do my own thing without having to set up a travel agency for everyone else lol.

I don’t think either of them ever had any intention of going on the basis they were not keen on Jo’s friends. They didn’t really care about you. They are not really your friends, they are prioritising each other over you. The TTC thing is a red herring. They couldn’t go on this trip due to TTC but can go on another time away a weekend either side and TTC is not an issue with that? Yeah. No.

Go on the trip with Jo, try and start on other friendships, build on those and ditch these ones who don’t really care about you.

Well, it sounds like you might enjoy the trip anyway, OP. So if I was you I'd focus on the positives of that.

After, I wouldn't invest as much trust in Mary or Ann. Like you, I wouldn't fall out necessarily, but I wouldn't commit to anything with them again.

I think Mary sounds like she had every intention of going on this trip when the plan was made, but then life shit got in the way, and she just hasn't had the bandwidth to deal with it with everything else going on until now. I don't think she intentionally meant to forget about you in all this, I just think all of it was put on the back burner then when she did get around to dealing with it, the trip doesn't work for her anymore.

It's up to you if you think this is worth losing a friend over.

It's OK to be miffed with her. She should have told you she wasn't going. She's might have had a difficult time at Xmas but she's still managed to plan another trip she is going on. As for her going on her own last year, well she's good friends with Jo so less likely to be awkward than if you go as you've said you don't know her as well. All the crap about hopes and reality would have annoyed me. She's in the wrong and turning it around on you because she is defensive. Don't let her and stand your ground. She should have told you some things came up in December and she might not go that way you could have weighed up if you were happy to go anyway. You haven't done anything wrong by calling her out on it.

You've finally discovered that your friend Mary is a self-centred flake who can't admit she's wrong and simply apologise. If your incredibly patient and polite calling out of her behaviour damages your friendship with her, then honestly I think you've done yourself a favour.

This!

YANBU at all. Mary and Ann should really be apologetic towards you and the fact Mary keeps making excuses is pretty poor.

Good for you for saying something.

I always find it helpful to turn the whole thing around and ask myself, 'under what circumstances would I encourage a person to book a trip, then not tell them I had changed my mind about going? Or in fact tell the the second I was having doubts?'

I cannot think of any reason at all, for any person, let alone a friend.

Which means that this person is completely self-obsessed and doesn't give a shit about anyone except herself. Her response to you proves this, OP.

If she had an oun ce of decency, she'd be absolutley mortified and bending over backwards to put things right. Instead, she's blaming you.

Fuck her off now, cos she can only get worse - can you imagine what she's going to be like when she's The World's Only Ever Pregnant Woman and once she has a PFB?